NotaBadGuy Posted February 17, 2004 Posted February 17, 2004 Well, its been awhile since I posted. I have been battling through the abyss my failed relatioship has created in my mind. Although I have known with certainty that the end was inevitable, I guess a part of me thought the end was a fictitious part of my imagination. I did everything I could to run from the reality. The reality is that tomorrow my divorce is final. Now I must cope with the inevitable. However, I thought I was coping the whole time. I mainly write this because my channels of communication have altogether broken down. Or better yet, I have broken down my channels of communication. I choose to communicte with noone, yet manage to communicate with everyone. My story is not one that has not been written time and time again, but for some reason takes me to the depths of my soul. I sit alone in confusion, but together at the table with many. On the outside, it appears I am persevering, yet on the inside I am on the battlefield. I was married last May. One of the toughest decisions I have made because it had to be so right. Well, demands of grad school took my instant attentions and affections to a low, and she took refuge in the arms of another after only 4 months. She later filed for divorce and now we are in the culmination of the marriage that never was. I am getting out rather free of burden and expense, but it still does not answer why I cannot move on. We have no children and have basically went our separate ways. I seek solice in many places, yet seem to wind up right back in the abyss of self delusion. I know I am better off without her. I know I did nothing wrong but seek the best out of my educational opportunities. I know I should have been there for her more. I know I should be celebrating my new found independence. But it does not work that way. It helps to read about the lives of those who have been where I am. I seek solace in those words. But as I often sit and look into the mirror of complete and utter confusion, I fall back on my face. Scarred by the debris that has riddled my existence, I find myself searching for answers to the riddle. I make no sense to myself and yet make complete sense to myself. The end is near yet I am only seeing the beginning of the journey. A journey that will take me to the limits of my existence and to the bowels of my soul. I had thought I was traveling this journey several months ago, but have discovered I had only stepped through the door. The finality of what is inevitable is the reality of which I must concede. I cannot run from it. I cannot hide from it. I can only accept it. If you have read this far, I thank you. I need the release at this point in time. I make no sense to myself at times, so I understand if you do not. Any thoughts, guidance, wisdom, and understanding would be apprecited. At this time, I am the vulture who hovers the desert searching for nourishment. I have been hovering for some time to no avail. I guess I am at the alpha and the omega all at the same time.
Errol Posted February 17, 2004 Posted February 17, 2004 Words of advice? If you are not enrolled already -- take some writing courses. You write very well and a great writer writes from personal experience and pain. Your words may help and comfort others when they read them, and a structured output may help you to deal with them. You question why you cannot move on. You can move on, and you will move on - in your own time and in your own way. You will find that way--it's there, on the other side of the pain. It may seem a million miles away, but it's really not that far and you will find your way. Assure yourself that you did not push her to someone else. It was her decision. Do not hold yourself guilty of her bad choices. You are blaming yourself -- your statement "... I know I should have been there for her more ..." is a reflection of that guilt. She should also have been there for you and for her to leave the way she did -- it would not have mattered at all if you were there for her constantly. She still would have left because of HER and not because of YOU. You know that - tell it to yourself every day when you sit alone at the table staring at the food on your plate. Make a mantra and repeat it to youself and someday you WILL hear it with your heart and not just your ears or mind. Really.
faith04 Posted February 17, 2004 Posted February 17, 2004 You seem to be very well rounded, very intelligent and very driven. Awesome writing abilities....something most women cannot resist. I understand your pain and confusion of how you'll ever be able to move on. But you will. It will be hard at first, but every passing day will make it easier. These are the learning blocks of life. You've just had a tougher time than the Average Joe. However, you're no "average" Joe. Your special and unique, as everyone is in their own way, and someone out there was made to love you for all the reasons that make you special. I have confidence that you'll pull through and better yourself from this, and I don't even know you personally. This is not your fault in any way, shape or form. In a loyal and true relationship, she would have talked to you about her doubts instead of running away and decieving you so badly. There is no excuse for cheating. It's NOT your fault, it's her fault. You were only trying to better yourself for her and you. That's a hard quality to find these days. Not too many men continue to improve past their 20 year mark. The way I see it.....her HUGE loss. I know she'll look back one day and think, I was so stupid.....why did I do that? She'll regret it.....they almost always do. You just don't hear about it. Chin up! Love yourself, and remember there are a lot of people that care about you, because you're you. Smil everday, and think....."Damn! I kick ass!"
pinkroses Posted February 18, 2004 Posted February 18, 2004 The pain and the poetry in your words moved me to tears. I'm divorced too, so I know where you're coming from. No matter what the reason for the ending or how much investment there was in a marriage, there is still a rending in the soul that takes place, leaving you feeling like a half instead of a whole. As time goes on you'll move out of the denial and darkness and despair and start to feel real again. Hang in there, there are many of us here who understand.
NotaBadGuy Posted February 18, 2004 Posted February 18, 2004 Thank you to those who have replied. I take those words of encourgement dearly. They give me what I cannot give myself. Thank you for commenting on my writing. It is good to hear I can convey my message in a way others understand and feel my pain. Well, today is the day. I have tried to prepare myself for this day for several months now, but no mater how much I have tried, prepared I'm not. I have sought wisdom and understanding in the winds of change only to be violently tossed in the currents of the fight. I am in the calm before the storm. Or maybe the storm before the calm. As I look into the darkness of the light, I see the storm that has brewed on the horizon. The storm creeps through the sky like a hunter about to kill its prey. It moves with a passion and precision only seen by those who understand its beauty, yet at the same time moves with destruction and might only known by those who have been left in its wake. No matter whether I decide to run or stay, there is no shelter in this lonely place. And the sad reality of it all is that I am not alone, but I am all alone. Alone to noone who knows my name but as alone as the man who has no name. I should be watching the storm in jubilee, yet I find myself ill prepared for the dependence of the independence I altogether know. At this time nothing makes sense to me except the darkness in which I live. But even that makes no sense because I cannot see this place upon which I stand. The power and awe of the storm consumes my mind. The battles become greater as I fend off the winds of change. Am I just afraid of the reality of what is known or am I fighting who I am? Or is who I am in the reality of which I know? The thunder of the life that I once thought I had violently shakes the foundation upon which I stand from a distance. I must not let the discouragement and the pain take one ounce of my fortitude. My foundation is strong and my fortitude is strong, yet I can still not be ready for the destructive nature of the the storm. I have to believe the storm will win or has it won already. I have fooled myself into believing the currents of the wind will blow the storm into the dungeons of my fight. But I only fool myself when I believe this for the storms path cannot be predicted, yet I have knew it was coming my way. And in one short moment my dreams and reality collide. One consumes the other and I am left with nothing but what I once thought I knew. The churning in the sky is the churning in my heart. I am now lost for words as I move into the eye of the storm. The calmness surrounds me, but I am no fool because I can see the awesome power of the storm as is violently spins around me. The reality is that I must take the storm head on. It is intimidating but I cannot let it know. I must pull myself from the wreckage left in my soul and feel the pain. I must shake the pains of doubt. I must believe without seeing. I must allow the storm to consume me. Although I never wanted the storm to hit me head on, now I want the storm to leave. I cannot battle what cannot be battled. I have no defense except to hope the storm moves on. Today, I was its prey. In the end, it has leveled everything around me and shows no remorse. It continues its path of destruction and has no set direction to travel. The only constant is the wake in the fabric of those lives it touches. Thank you for reading if you have made it this far. Again, I write and vent my thoughts to help me cope in this difficult time. I am so lost to myself yet so found tho those around me. If they only knew. I guess the storm is the begining and the end all at the same time.
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