Kachunk Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I was looking to get advice from people who have been in this situation, if you haven't been in this situation I'm sure you might have 2 cents to put in, but I really need to hear from people that have been there done that. So my W and I have been married for 3 years, together for 7, about 9 months ago she had started to have these feelings she said, she was unhappy, but never told me, she just bottled it up. Eventually I realized something was up, she was being a bitch to me when she never was before so after trying to get her to talk once before I pushed and it came out, "I'm not happy, I'm feeling stuff that I can't explain, I don't know what is going on with me, I love you but I'm not sure if I do, sometimes I want to just run away I get so upset, but then I enjoy hanging out with you...etc etc". 2 weeks after this all came to the surface we had gone to 1 counseling session in which we went to dinner afterward (her idea) and we were trying to sort things out. We talked and realized that I came up short and took things for granted which caused this all and I felt horrible for that, but told her I wished she had spoke up and told me, she claims she did and I realized and I'm sure she did that its a case of lack of proper communication lines, something that can be fixed in my eyes. She has acknowledged that I have fixed the issues she had with me, but that she still needed to fix her feelings which would take time. She had said she needed space, but never elaborated on that then finally after a silly unecessary argument she said "I NEED SPACE" and she grabbed her stuff and said she was going to live with her family. She explained that living at home with me there and having the same routine everyday made it hard for her to figure things out so going to her families house would allow her that different atmosphere to understand what she is feeling. It was hard at first, I wanted answers and to fix things, but realized pushing would make it worse so I let it happen. I have made it very clear I love her and want to make this work. Its been 2 weeks now since she moved out and we have had another counseling session and another one on Tuesday, the counseling has helped us better understand each others side of things and overall seems like it was helping. My mother-in-law has been super supportive to us, I have talked with her a couple times to help cope and she has been great. I did call her last week when my mind all wound up and thinking crazy thoughts made me think there is someone else, she has told me before MW had assured her mom there was no one, but i asked her again and she assured me there is non one. Now just some background, my Mother-in-law was cheated on 15years ago and abandoned with 3 kids so she is very aware of the signs of a cheater after having gone through hell before so I trust her 100%, she said MW is always home for dinner and does not go out except for twice with her GF's to hang out. She also told me that MW was feeling better about things, she seemed more relaxed and has said to her mom that she wants to rebuild things, her mom did seem positive that with time it will work out. In the 2 weeks MW and I have kept in touch, we have our normal Friday night with friends, we did go on a camping trip with friends which I thought was too much for her, but it was her idea, we occasionally text if we need to switch cars, or I see her at her work if I happen to see her and once last week she stopped over to grab something and we chatted and she decided to stay to watch an episode of Entourage, but there have been at least 4 days where we have not talked at all. Today she needed something out of her car which I was driving so she called me and we talked and I asked if she wanted to come over for dinner, she said no and that she is tired and needs time to herself (just came back from dad's house, he had just had surgery for colon cancer and had complications). I went over to drop off her work stuff and I could see she was not in the greatest of moods, looked tired, but I felt given the feelings of the situation that I would bring up some relationship stuff, I just couldn't help it as my mind has been in overdrive mulling over ****. I did bring up the issue of when can we see or talk to each other, she said that she felt that we had seen each other too much and that she didn't want to give me any false hope, I said please explain what you mean by false hope, she said "she has these feelings that just won't go away". She said that when we did hang out (dinner, camping) that I acted like everything was back to normal, as if that was a problem, but I said I don't know how else to act. We then discussed or I just told her how I am feeling just so that she knows where I am in all of this, I said I can't help but feel that you are going to leave me and that if you are just rip the bandaid off and be done with it because at the time I felt she needed to know that I don't want to be dragged along for weeks when she is just going to leave me anyway. Might not have been the best thing to say, but it was said. So I left feeling hurt again and I felt she was emotional. I'm trying to be positive, but at the same time everytime I'm awake all I can think of is negative thoughts about when she leaves me, being all alone, trying to cope with going back to school in 2 weeks after 10years out of school with no job, no money, no wife and how I'm going to make it through. THen I think if she comes back will I be able to go back to a life with her again after this and at the same time how I want her so bad and to make things better. I dunno. So for those that have been there done that please tell me what you think, is there hope or not? And please people be nice, I don't want someone calling my wife a whore or saying nasty **** about her, I just can't handle that right now.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 There is no hope if you don't know 100% why she needs space, if you get my meaning. If she is still pushing you away, there is a reason - and it is clearly one you don't know about. Until you are 100% in the know, your marriage has no chance. I know you don't want to hear this, but you may want to consider hiring a PI to rule a few things out. In a case like this, taking someone else's word for it is never a smart thing to do. Evidence. Solid evidence. That is where your starting point needs to be.
hopesndreams Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 There is no hope if you don't know 100% why she needs space, if you get my meaning. If she is still pushing you away, there is a reason - and it is clearly one you don't know about. Until you are 100% in the know, your marriage has no chance. I know you don't want to hear this, but you may want to consider hiring a PI to rule a few things out. In a case like this, taking someone else's word for it is never a smart thing to do. Evidence. Solid evidence. That is where your starting point needs to be. Completely agree. You need to know who the interloper is in your M.
Author Kachunk Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 Ok, I checked cell phone records, nothing. Checked email, nothing There was never anything suspicious at all, she was always home as usual, there were never any times she was trying to hide anything, no business trips, nothing. My mother-in-law is a very wise women and she loves me just like a son, when she heard of what was going on she was crying to me on the phone so there is no doubt in my mind that she is being honest, her first husband left her and to this day she is still reminded by it so if her daughter was cheating on me I know she would maybe not come out and say it, but she would certainly give me a good hint as she no respect for cheaters. I know you will all say family protects family so I can't trust he, but this family is not like that. She says when someone is cheating they become infatuated with the other person and make every effort to see or talk to the other person and she does not see anything like that doing on my MW. She is home for dinner every night and she stays there and watches TV with her step dad and they chat, she has been keeping tabs on MW to see if that is the issue and she is not concerned. Cheating is NOT an issue, but thats not to say that it might not be an issue down the road if things don't get better, but the problem now is that she does not understand her feelings. SHe told me to day that she has been seeing a counselor on her own for awhile now, how long she did not say, but she is trying.
Author Kachunk Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 I forgot to add in my initial post that this was not something I had no clue about, my wife had become distant from me since about Feb-March or so, half the time she was great and happy and we were great, the other half she just did her own thing and was always mad at me, its not like everything was great then suddenly she says she wants space. If that was the case then for sure cheating would be my first thought as well, but I knew there was something going on for some time and a friend of ours apparently noticed something too, that she was not happy, of course they tell me this now.
hopesndreams Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Could be someone at her workplace. Perhaps he's married. She's buying time right now to see how things will work out with her new fella. She'll keep her OM well hidden til such time he falls outta the sky! It will be too late then. Start the D ball rolling. It's the only chance for her to be brought back to reality.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 the problem now is that she does not understand her feelings She understands her feelings. I suspect that she simply does not know how to make you understand them in a way that will work out best for everyone. Let's say that there is no cheating - if there is no cheating, then there is only one solution left: she simply checked out of the marriage and does not want to be married anymore, or at the very least she is more than 50% sure of that. There is still apparently a small percentage that perhaps at least wants to spare your feelings, but that percentage is not enough to rebuild a marriage on. If she is pushing you away and needing 'space' and there is no one else involved, then you may not have much of a choice but to make the 'space' a more legal separation, if not an outright divorce. A marriage cannot be fixed if only one of you is interested in fixing it. It does not sound like fixing your marriage is on her mind, so much as escaping it.
health Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 I'm trying to be positive, but at the same time everytime I'm awake all I can think of is negative thoughts about when she leaves me, being all alone, trying to cope with going back to school in 2 weeks after 10years out of school with no job, no money, no wife and how I'm going to make it through. THen I think if she comes back will I be able to go back to a life with her again after this and at the same time how I want her so bad and to make things better. I dunno. . Are you saying you have had no job for ten years? If this is the case, in a sense it's best your not in a relationship - why? Healthy relationships can only happen with 2 independent people. When one is leaning on the other for money or whatever that's not cool. You can't put everything on the other person. Then if something happens, what? it's the end of the world? I think this can be a case of building yourself up as strong and independent as you can. Wife not happy? It's "Her" resposnisbility to be happy and yours to happy alone - not find happiness in her. Get strong, if she comes back it's worth it - yet still being an independent individual who can earn enough to take care of of yourself is SUPER IMPORTANT! I read that you should have enough money to take care of yourself, and your kid in case of divorce or widowing.
mike5770 Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 I hope I am dead wrong but anytime a woman said she needed space that usually means I want out! The previous posters are right she either is with someone else or checked out and is going through the motions...either way bad news for you. I would force her hand and tell her this arrangement is not fair to me, I have been patient but obviously the behavior you are exhibiting is telling me you dont love me anymore and lets just fast forward things now and move on..I would like a divorce. I hope I am dead wrong and also know that is a lot easier said than done..but when she needs space that usually the relationship was bitten by a poisionous snake and just a matter of time before death. Plus forcing her hand means you arent going to sit there and take her **** and be the victim. If she does still care for you it may shock her into the realization she is losing you! Good luck!
health Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 This is actually great - cause now you're gonna have more time to find the right girl for you! You deserve better than these games! Imagine yourself with an even better woman! You deserve it - It's challenging but be strong!
PegNosePete Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Dude. Sorry for your situation, there are so many red flags flying here it looks like a Labour party conference. "I'm feeling stuff that I can't explain" - Can't explain why? Because if she told you about her OM, it would end her marriage? "I don't know what is going on with me" - I am torn between staying with you because you're dependable, and taking a risk with the OM "I love you but I'm not sure if I do" - One of the most consistent things a cheating spouse will say. Just google that phrase! "sometimes I want to just run away I get so upset" - Run away into OM's arms... "I enjoy hanging out with you" - As a friend, not a partner
Recommended Posts