Wanting what you can't have...

[Star Gazer]

The weird thing is if I get blatant disinterest from a crush, not only does my interest disappear but I'm somehow able to instantly delete the guy from my brain. The rejection stings, but the guy himself disappears within a few hours. I no longer feel anything for him or even think of him. Sometimes I even forget the details of what he looks like, and I'm typically excellent at remembering visual details, faces in particular. I can go from fantasizing about a guy for weeks/months on end, to thinking nothing of him like that. It's like my brain refused to even to go there, because it knows it would hurt too much.

 

I know this feeling all too well.

 

To get more specific by way of example, there's this dude P. P and I have a "history." We dated about 2 years ago for a few months. Back then, he was initially very interested. I loved it, ate it up! He was charming and flirty and just oozed this something special that I wanted...and I just loved that he behaved as though he felt the same way. Then after I was emotionally hooked, he slowly started going hot-cold. Push-pull. That Katy Perry song "Hot Cold" came out, and I thought she wrote it about him! Haha!

 

Anyway, when he was cold, I sensed a dwindling interest on his part, but because I wasn't certain of it, I didn't lose my own interest in him. If anything, it made me want him even more. As time passed, I perceived his behavior as either gamesmanship, or putting me on the back burner. Eventually, I got tired of the emotional rollercoaster and moved on to someone who's interest was clear and consistent (Skiman). But it took a LOT longer than it should have for me to move on from P, and I can only assume it's whatever's behind the "want what you can't have" psychology? Or maybe it's something else?

 

Well, 2 years passed, Skiman and I broke up, and who did I end up reconnecting with? Yup, P. This time around has been very similar, with one major difference. He was again very interested in the beginning, and even more open than he had been 2 years ago. But then he started doing the hot-cold thing again. When I'd call him on it, he'd become hot again... but of course, would cool off only a few days later.

 

Here's the kicker. We have a mutual friend. This past weekend, P and this mutual friend happened to be at the same party. He brought me up to her, asking about how we'd become friends. She said something like, "And you two used to date right? What's going on now, anything? wink, wink..." (She said this knowing full well what was going on between us, just trying to dig for more information for me, I guess.) His response? "Oh, we're just friends. That's all we've ever been."

 

Oh really? Friends is ALL we've EVER been? Even after recently talking about how you were different now from the way you were before when w DATED? Okay. DONE. It's like POOF! All interest disappeared, just from knowing - however indirectly - that he's not interested in return.

 

But had I not been given that critical piece of information, I would have continued on the rollercoaster of games for a few more months, I bet!

[Star Gazer]

BTW Star, do you go in a semi-chasing mode once the guy you are dating starts withdrawing? (I know I do )

 

If not, how do you act?

 

Um, yes. That's the ONLY time I ever find myself in chasing mode, and it's maddening!!! In the midst of it all, I rationalize my behavior by telling myself something akin to, "Well, he's been doing all the chasing thusfar. Perhaps he's backing off to see if I return the sentiment." But then what happens? He doesn't respond to my chase.

 

To use my example of P, what makes it even worse is that he said he doesn't chase girls to begin with. Which makes me feel like it's encumbant upon ME to do the chasing. Well, not anymore, but you get my drift.

[Star Gazer]

I have some questions for other people who struggle with this problem.

 

When the mixed signals start do you believe that their interest has actually dropped or are you in denial/confused?

 

Is your respect for the guy affected by the change in his behavior?

 

My answers:

 

It used to be the case when I was less experienced that I was sincerely confused by mixed signals and gave the guy the benefit of the doubt. It's partly that I'd talk to other well-meaning people close to me like friends and family, and they'd all say variations of, "I'm sure he's still interested. He's probably just busy." At some point I realized, no these guys just aren't interested. But the weird thing is it doesn't make a difference if I'm attached. I can know he's not interested, and still want to win him over. Maybe it's some sort of control thing, but it's not healthy.

 

In answer to the second question meanwhile my respect for the guy takes a nosedive, partly because I feel like it's a ****ty thing to string somebody along. Yet remarkably I'm still eager to gain his affection.

 

My answers would be exactly the same.

 

Benefit of the doubt until all doubt is removed, and yet I also have no respect for him anymore as a gentleman. Hmph.

 

I can't speak for others, but for me I think it's a control thing related to my abandonment issues. As I wrote above, I no longer respect the guy, so it's no longer about him so much as it is about avoiding rejection.

 

Same here. It's no coincidence this thread followed shortly after my thread on abandonment issues... I'm just having difficulty reconciling these feelings. It's been a long time since I found myself "dating" and trying to assess someone else's feelings (and my own for them).

[SadandConfusedWA]

The thing is, I don't know if there is the right way to act in those situations.

 

Say a guy is withdrawing but you are still dating. If you acted a certain way, is there a chance to keep him and increase his interest?

 

I typically start initiating contact more, trying to pinpoint him on making plans when he gives me vague answers, trying harder to dress up and look good...

[Star Gazer]

I don't know. The first problem I have trouble with is identifying actual withdrawl from simply being busy and the like. I mean, I'm not a mind-reader, ya know? So I end up chasing, to see what the response would be...

 

Ugh.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I can't speak for others, but for me I think it's a control thing related to my abandonment issues. As I wrote above, I no longer respect the guy, so it's no longer about him so much as it is about avoiding rejection.

 

 

Yes, I agree with this. I am still not over the rejection of the politician guy. I have no respect for him anymore, but the rejection stings. It really rattled me. Initially I thought that I don't really care, but I do

[SadandConfusedWA]

I don't know. The first problem I have trouble with is identifying actual withdrawl from simply being busy and the like. I mean, I'm not a mind-reader, ya know? So I end up chasing, to see what the response would be...

 

Ugh.

 

Yep, same. I am sometimes not really able to differentiate the two. Any distance triggers my abandonment fears so I start with the chase. Texting and calling and the guy seems to get even more distant. Yuck.

[shadowplay]

The thing is, I don't know if there is the right way to act in those situations.

 

Say a guy is withdrawing but you are still dating. If you acted a certain way, is there a chance to keep him and increase his interest?

 

I typically start initiating contact more, trying to pinpoint him on making plans when he gives me vague answers, trying harder to dress up and look good...

 

f you're just dating somebody casually and they start doing this, I don't think there's much you can do.

 

I've found that if you're in a relationship and this starts happening, there usually is a way, but it's not a way you should be really trying as a healthy person. Usually what happens to me is when I start really trusting the person, I let myself relax a little and some of my problems and bad habits come out. I think a healthy partner would point those out as soon as they arise and try to work with you through them. But the guys I've tended to date have instead been the passive types who avoid confrontation so they'll just withdraw or worse suddenly cut things off without warning. That said guys like this are also fairly easy to manipulate.

 

If you want to win them over, assuming they aren't dead set against giving you another chance (and sometimes even when you are), you basically be on your best behavior around them. You have to play a part, play the perfect version of you. Amp up the confidence and not show any vulnerabilities. Act like this around them for enough time, and they'll suddenly forget your flaws and start longing for you again. It's almost disturbing to see how responsive they are to something that's clearly false. I also think guys tend to have worse memories about relationship stuff than women and live in the present, so they'll more easily forgive and forget something a woman did in the past if she seems good in the present.

 

But this is so dishonest. I used to do it all the time with my ex ex, and his response was completely predictable. Yet I couldn't bring myself to keep it up. I do have flaws, and I shouldn't have to play a role to be loved by somebody. The best way to be in a relationship is somewhere between your best and your worst self on average. You don't want to let yourself go and stop caring about being a good partner, but you also don't want to feel like you have to be perfect. A guy who needs perfection is unhealthy.

Edited August 23, 2010 by shadowplay

[Cobra_X]

Simple inquiry here, which I hope will evolve into a deeper conversation:

When it comes to romantic relationships, do you believe people want what they can't have? Why/why not?

 

This happens to people for different reasons, but there are some common themes.

 

For one thing, they get emotionally attached to the other person relatively quickly. Also, they tend to take romantic rejection more personally than others.

 

For example, when I am in the first 2-3 date stage with a woman I come on fairly strong and show a very good amount of interest. This allows her to know that I am attracted to her and begins to build varying degrees of emotional attachement... which seems to be strongly linked to the amount of physical contact.

 

Then to test her interest level I can somewhat withdraw and see the response level. I assume she internalizes the sudden emotional unavailability as personal insecurity, and as a sudden opportunity to gain self esteem by reigniting my interest. That can be a potent mix in my experience.

 

I equate the emotional response to taking a woman who has no car, letting her drive a very nice one for a week, then taking it away. Of course once she likes it and gets the opportunity to imagine life with it... she will want it back. In fact, so long as she enjoyed driving it... she should want it back much more than at initial interest.

 

I think that type of feeling exists on many levels for many different situations regardless of gender.

[skydiveaddict]

When some one breaks up w/you, that you sincerely thought was "the one", you cant help but want what you can't have.

[phineas]

Okay, so I think I may have phrased MY particular question too harshly.

 

Let me rephrase. What is it about someone slightly withdrawing, which inspires more desire?

 

When someone does this I assume their loosing interest or playing games.

Either way I actually desire them less & think about them less because that type of behavior is a total turn-off to me.

[Yamaha]

The thing is, I don't know if there is the right way to act in those situations.

 

Say a guy is withdrawing but you are still dating. If you acted a certain way, is there a chance to keep him and increase his interest?

 

I typically start initiating contact more, trying to pinpoint him on making plans when he gives me vague answers, trying harder to dress up and look good...

 

Alot of books guys read tell them to act hot and cold to keep and increase a womens sexual interest. Getting a women to chase you will keep her interest high. I don't know if this was the case with you but many guys practice this technique.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Alot of books guys read tell them to act hot and cold to keep and increase a womens sexual interest. Getting a women to chase you will keep her interest high. I don't know if this was the case with you but many guys practice this technique.

 

Unfortunately, I don't believe that most guys are doing this because they are playing games. In my experience, they were just genuinly losing interest.

[Alma Mobley]

I completely know what you're talking about, Star (as well as SAC and Shadow). I used to be just like that. Then I got burned very, very badly and said NEVER AGAIN. I promised myself that I would only date men who showed clear and consistent high interest and bolt at the first sign of it dwindling. Luckily for me, I met someone who had a high interest and in fact, my reticence to get too emotionally invested too quickly and keeping myself busy and not preoccupied with thoughts of him seemed to pique his interest more! Apparently before me, he had dated women in whom his interest was lukewarm and they started chasing him, which was a huge turn-off. IOW, women who probably acted just like I had in the past...

[SadandConfusedWA]

Alma,

 

I don't really think that chasing is the problem. It's that the guy has lukewarm interest in the first place. I don't really think that a guy with a lukewarm interest would like us more if we didn't chase.

[Sphere]

This is especially true of women.

 

I notice that when you're in a relationship, girls will hit on you a lot more than when you are single.

 

This always made me laugh and still does.

 

These women weren't interested in me when I was single, yet when I shack up with someone, they then decide to want me, fortunately for me, I am content and don't want them.

[sumdude]

Because anything (anyone) that's to easy to get somehow seems to have less value. Otherwise diamonds would be worth as much as quartz.

[jamesum]

I always feel the need for attention from my friends' girlfriends and yes I feel ashamed of myself.

[SadandConfusedWA]

f you're just dating somebody casually and they start doing this, I don't think there's much you can do.

 

I've found that if you're in a relationship and this starts happening, there usually is a way, but it's not a way you should be really trying as a healthy person. Usually what happens to me is when I start really trusting the person, I let myself relax a little and some of my problems and bad habits come out. I think a healthy partner would point those out as soon as they arise and try to work with you through them. But the guys I've tended to date have instead been the passive types who avoid confrontation so they'll just withdraw or worse suddenly cut things off without warning. That said guys like this are also fairly easy to manipulate.

 

If you want to win them over, assuming they aren't dead set against giving you another chance (and sometimes even when you are), you basically be on your best behavior around them. You have to play a part, play the perfect version of you. Amp up the confidence and not show any vulnerabilities. Act like this around them for enough time, and they'll suddenly forget your flaws and start longing for you again. It's almost disturbing to see how responsive they are to something that's clearly false. I also think guys tend to have worse memories about relationship stuff than women and live in the present, so they'll more easily forgive and forget something a woman did in the past if she seems good in the present.

 

But this is so dishonest. I used to do it all the time with my ex ex, and his response was completely predictable. Yet I couldn't bring myself to keep it up. I do have flaws, and I shouldn't have to play a role to be loved by somebody. The best way to be in a relationship is somewhere between your best and your worst self on average. You don't want to let yourself go and stop caring about being a good partner, but you also don't want to feel like you have to be perfect. A guy who needs perfection is unhealthy.

 

Gawd, this is so true. I have even experienced this in friendships. Anytime I have shown real vulnerability (past OMG this guy doesn't like me and such) but deeper emotional problems, I have had friends distance themselves. It's like I have to be cheery, confident, talkative, FUN around everyone for them to like me.

 

Even my own brother avoids me when I am sick or depressed. But anyway, I digress - back on topic

[harmfulsweetz]

I'm exactly the same. It's not so much wanting and chasing after the unobtainable as it is chasing after a dream. What I mean by that, for me, is that when a guy shows interest, and my interest is piqued, I suddenly dream of what could be, and become very easily invested. When he backs off, I am still as in as ever, sometimes even deeper. He has to show interest first in order to ignite my interest.

 

I've been giving this some thought lately-most people advise giving up on these sort of guys because they are going nowhere, and are just a dream. They are quite clearly-just not that into you. But it's tougher than taking a simple rejection because you're always left wondering. What if this? What if that? Will he come back? If a guy outright rejects me, I move on, sure it stings, but least I know and can make that move. Grrr. I hate that kind of situation so much, it's painful.

 

Like right now, I know my chances of him still being interested are slim to none, but I'm still trying. Still dressing up even more than the day before, promising to push myself further, i.e talk to him more, try and gain his interest. It's like I can't let it go, or get it through my head that if he was that bothered about me as I am him, he would call, he would be arranging dates, and such like.

 

I've been wondering how much of this is down to self-esteem issues, a confident person would know when to cut their losses and move on, when to claim back the dignity if you like, whereas I, just don't have a clue. Other guys have come along, and my interest in them is lukewarm at best, despite the fact that they were really good looking, normally right up my alley, but not now. Now, I'm obsessed, like a dog with a bone and won't let it go. Not until I have no further option but to.

[dispatch3d]

Unfortunately, I don't believe that most guys are doing this because they are playing games. In my experience, they were just genuinly losing interest.

 

when playing hot/cold timing is EVERYTHING.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I'm exactly the same. It's not so much wanting and chasing after the unobtainable as it is chasing after a dream. What I mean by that, for me, is that when a guy shows interest, and my interest is piqued, I suddenly dream of what could be, and become very easily invested. When he backs off, I am still as in as ever, sometimes even deeper. He has to show interest first in order to ignite my interest.

 

I've been giving this some thought lately-most people advise giving up on these sort of guys because they are going nowhere, and are just a dream. They are quite clearly-just not that into you. But it's tougher than taking a simple rejection because you're always left wondering. What if this? What if that? Will he come back? If a guy outright rejects me, I move on, sure it stings, but least I know and can make that move. Grrr. I hate that kind of situation so much, it's painful.

 

Like right now, I know my chances of him still being interested are slim to none, but I'm still trying. Still dressing up even more than the day before, promising to push myself further, i.e talk to him more, try and gain his interest. It's like I can't let it go, or get it through my head that if he was that bothered about me as I am him, he would call, he would be arranging dates, and such like.

 

I've been wondering how much of this is down to self-esteem issues, a confident person would know when to cut their losses and move on, when to claim back the dignity if you like, whereas I, just don't have a clue. Other guys have come along, and my interest in them is lukewarm at best, despite the fact that they were really good looking, normally right up my alley, but not now. Now, I'm obsessed, like a dog with a bone and won't let it go. Not until I have no further option but to.

 

 

Yep, and I keep thinking - what if I cut my losses now and things would have worked out if I just hang in there? As in, what if I looked at the big picture and maybe we are just having a rocky start? Maybe he will get more interested if he gets to know me better etc etc. Ugh. It is so hard giving up on a guy you are really into.

 

That's the problem I have with guys that string us along. If they just told us "I don't want to see you anymore" or similar - I would have no problem letting go. But they keep the hope alive

[phineas]

when playing hot/cold timing is EVERYTHING.

 

I don't don't play hot/cold. I play luke warm until she gives me a reason to be hot.

 

Also, hot/ cold doesn't work on me. Out of sight, out of mind.

 

The woman I was friends with did hot/cold for almost a yr that I knew her. I just did my own thing & let her contact me because that type of behavior didn't generate real interest other than hanging out as friends.

 

Then she decided she wanted to date me & was hot/hot, got my interest & when I agreed she said she needed to takeing things slow.

 

Now she's all of a sudden doing hot cold again & I don't care if I hear from her or not as long as she shows for our planned dates.

 

Now another woman is showing interest & the whole hot cold thing with the first woman has me viewing the second woman as an option.

[SadandConfusedWA]

If a guy is doing hot/cold to me - I am willing to consider other options. I might be in some turmoil about it but I will give other things a go and ditch him if I end up clicking with someone.

 

If a guy is hot/hot and consistent - I will not even consider other options.

[dispatch3d]

I don't don't play hot/cold. I play luke warm until she gives me a reason to be hot.

 

Also, hot/ cold doesn't work on me. Out of sight, out of mind.

 

The woman I was friends with did hot/cold for almost a yr that I knew her. I just did my own thing & let her contact me because that type of behavior didn't generate real interest other than hanging out as friends.

 

Then she decided she wanted to date me & was hot/hot, got my interest & when I agreed she said she needed to takeing things slow.

 

Now she's all of a sudden doing hot cold again & I don't care if I hear from her or not as long as she shows for our planned dates.

 

Now another woman is showing interest & the whole hot cold thing with the first woman has me viewing the second woman as an option.

 

lots of people just do hot/cold by how they feel at the time. This isn't the right way to do it. You want to act cold/disinterested when they are at a peak/chasing, and act hot when/chasing when they are at any other time. It's generally used in conversations though not for setting up dates. You get her to a peak/she spikes in interest or attraction then you act disinterested or go cold. Sort of difficult to explain and not something I can actively implement (yet! )....