I swear that i have balls!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mychesthurts]

but im being a lil girl for this woman.

 

I grew up in a abusive relationship where my dad ALWAYS beat my mom for whatever reason. I promised myself that i would never be that kind of man and i haven't even once thought about hitting any woman at all, not even once. The mistake that i have made, I believe, is going against my playa 4 life lifestyle and looking for a lady to settle down with.

Aint it funny how if ur looking for someone to love you can find/or make anyone fit into that mold, until they just cant "fit" anymore?

 

Ive been a good man for this woman we have no issues that i am aware of as far as money or anything but evidently something is not going right.

We've been together 7 years, no marriage just young love and she does not appear to be pressuring for a ring so i am just at a loss.

When we first moved in together i was doing everything just trying to NOT be my dad and to make sure that she felt like the luckiest lady on the face of this earth. That was at the beginning when i was totally pumped about US. Now im not so sure. What happened is that whenever i ask her for simple, everyday things she can shrug them away and not do them even when i was going above and beyond without even needing to be asked.

When i ask her about this behavior she gets defensive and it ends up turning into a shouting match (that i fear) so i end up swallowing the problem and apologizing for even having a problem (........yeah i know).

The next month this same thing comes back up and the entire process repeats again.

It has been like this EVERY MONTH since we've been together. So recently i stopped doing everything that i'd been doing without being asked and the house has gone to complete hell. The only thing she had to do was laundry. Laundry has been in constantly rotating piles on the floor since day one. There always seems to be a mountain of unclean clothes on the floor in EVERY hallway of the house and the kitchen.I ask her to get a bigger hamper or implement some kind of hamper system and she argues that idea right out of my head.(HOW?......thats the same question im asking)

She can sit at the computer and play farmville ALL DAY with no interaction with me at all.(Her argument is that i put alot of time (1-2 hrs a day when i first get it)into making my brand new pda something that we can both use for anything we need without having to ask ANYBODY At all for any technical assistance.

Cigarette ashes in her chair, on her keyboard, monitor and the entire desk and what does she do? not what you'd think she reaches around under her shirt and pulls her bra off and throws it ON THE FLOOR IN HER OFFICE and leaves it there...................for weeks sometimes.

Instead of being active she LOVES to sit or LAY especially lay.

She came home one day excited because she'd found a dog that she wanted to make a in house dog. I wanted a pit bull because i know how to raise them the right way but her family is scared of them so she is too all of a sudden.

As a compromise i let her bring the dog into the house but only if she would help with him. The dog is now 11 mths old and all she does is make sure that beast is outside when she comes home and feed and water him. I teach him something and show it to her and its cool but evidently saying SIT and good dog is too much work for her so she uses fear tactics on the dog and he rebels against everything she tries and then has the nerve to forget what i taught him because there are two other ppl bent on teaching him the wrong way to do things. Her sister treats her dog like her child because she lives alone and she thinks i should spoil my guard dog like she spoils her PeTey that is everybody's friend.

 

I mean the dog pisses on them but not on me, they complain but wont correct even though ive showed them in the dog training for dummies book how to do it.(yeah i broke down and bought it because the dog is mixed with pug and they are very STUBBORN)

 

Her sister gives him table scraps so he steals food from her plate and she just complains

(i just give him STRICTLY dog food)

 

He jumps up on them and scratches them and they just say awww hes just playng.

(i dont get scratched or jumped on)

 

 

thats alot for now if anyone is listening though i will continue.......................................................

[bonpaw2008]

So are you guys broken up or are you just thinking about it?

 

To me it sounds like she is very immature, and that you are looked at more as a maid or mom then a boyfriend.....you need to figure out if you are done being treated this way and are ready to get out, or are you going to stick it out the way it is...

[Woggle]

You should never abuse a woman but you have very good reason to end this relationship. You can do better than this.

[GrayClouds]

You did not make a mistake by not being "plaR 4 lif". You made a commitment to be a high quality person and should be proud of that.

 

One thing abusive environment teach is poor behavior that easy to see. The other is a inability to understand healthy boundaries. To understand what are fair and acceptable compromises to make and what is not. In someway you may have tried to hard not to be your dad and as a result to willing in to make too many sacrifices to keep the realtionship going, to avoid conflict.

 

Another thing abuse environments hurt us in it does not teach healthy way to communicate want and needs. In healthy relationship conflict is important if it leads to understand each other better. Though this takes learning how to communicate that is productive.

 

While you did a great job avoiding the behavior of your dad, likely your still learning to develop some of this other limitation his example passed on to you. Though it is important to have someone who is committed to doing the same there to help. It does not seem like this women is all the interested in being that person. Maybe she is, if so she will be willing to go to couple therapy to do so, if not maybe it some work you should do on your own while you move on from this realtionship.

 

 

.

[mychesthurts]

thank you all for your responses.

No we are not broken up at the moment but right now i am willing to.

I woke up this morning and cut the front lawn and trimmed the hedges, washed the dog and the car she stayed glued to farmville the ENTIRE time.

As soon as i let her know there was a problem she hops in the car with the dog and goes to her sisters house.

Then the only way i could talk to her was on the cell and she was defensive and loud the whole time. I gave her time to get there and called her back and because her sister was in the backgorund we had a civilized conversation but she had this this attitude that was just like "Whatever!"

so i told her if either we cant work out this same issue right now on the phone or if she wont come back home right then so we could talk it out face to face, I am completely happy with being completely silent until i move out.

When i said that she told me that she does love me and that she was staying up there for a couple of hours. So i told her that i dont love her and that she can stop lying to me because evidently she doesnt if the same issue keeps coming back up again and hung up the phone.

She then sent me a 4 page txt telling me that she is sorry and that we can talk it out when she gets home.

At this point im tired of bending to her "innocence"

I replied that no conversation is needed and that evidently all of this is my fault and i am the cause for alll of our issues.

 

Complete silence!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I plan on being out of here in a couple of days

[GrayClouds]

You are a good man, sadly she can not see it.

[mychesthurts]

I just cant get her to see my point of view EVER.

Ive never had this problem before, and i DO love her.

I want to protect her and be everything that she needs but it just doesnt seem like she wants me.

When the issue is forgotten or suppressed everything is fine, but when i bring up the issue i always just end up feeling like a lil woman at the end of the day.

 

Last night at her moms house her single cousin was making fun of her about how much she is on farmville and she was still SUPER PUMPED about telling her cousin why she was all into it............. Even though the cousin was laughing during her entire explanation.

Her cousin likes me. I know this because of the babbling she does whenever the two of us have a 1 on 1 conversation. Last night she pulls me aside and asks me "whats really going on in your house, to where your lady can be addicted to a virtual farm for the majority of the day, EVERYDAY.

 

that is the ONLY time her cousin's side of the conversation ever made sense to me.............i swear i shrunk a little

 

 

 

o did i add that my woman is 6 yrs older than me?

Edited August 22, 2010 by mychesthurts

[You Go Girl]

Does your woman have any responsibilities financially? A job of any kind? I'm trying to put together the picture of how she is able to be on farmville that many hours a day.

It sounds like a classic case of zero responsibilities, which can be very difficult to break because she will be defiant.

What you want to avoid is falling into parent and child roles, with you being the parent of course. You don't want to lecture her. What you want to do is set goals, boundaries, time limits on the internet, etc., and agree to them.

You need many discussions about this. First sit her down, ask her to look around herself at your messy home, and ask her what is more important, real life or the fantasy life? Then ask her how can you work together to have a clean organized home and that she still gets to enjoy her farmville? What you want to do here is to make her motivated to do things around the house so that later she will have earned her free time playing her game, and she won't feel that you are a parent trying to take it away from her. Try to discuss how work can be done first, and then she can be rewarded with x hours of farmville in the evening.

It's all in how you ask to resolve the issue, your tone of voice, and how you approach it completely with working together.

Now if you've given up and are going to move out, then disregard everything I have posted except this: Hope your new life works out better.

[mem11363]

Read a book about being "assertive" - your dad was passive - and you need to learn to be assertive or all your relationships will end up like this one.

 

 

but im being a lil girl for this woman.

 

I grew up in a abusive relationship where my dad ALWAYS beat my mom for whatever reason. I promised myself that i would never be that kind of man and i haven't even once thought about hitting any woman at all, not even once. The mistake that i have made, I believe, is going against my playa 4 life lifestyle and looking for a lady to settle down with.

Aint it funny how if ur looking for someone to love you can find/or make anyone fit into that mold, until they just cant "fit" anymore?

 

Ive been a good man for this woman we have no issues that i am aware of as far as money or anything but evidently something is not going right.

We've been together 7 years, no marriage just young love and she does not appear to be pressuring for a ring so i am just at a loss.

When we first moved in together i was doing everything just trying to NOT be my dad and to make sure that she felt like the luckiest lady on the face of this earth. That was at the beginning when i was totally pumped about US. Now im not so sure. What happened is that whenever i ask her for simple, everyday things she can shrug them away and not do them even when i was going above and beyond without even needing to be asked.

When i ask her about this behavior she gets defensive and it ends up turning into a shouting match (that i fear) so i end up swallowing the problem and apologizing for even having a problem (........yeah i know).

The next month this same thing comes back up and the entire process repeats again.

It has been like this EVERY MONTH since we've been together. So recently i stopped doing everything that i'd been doing without being asked and the house has gone to complete hell. The only thing she had to do was laundry. Laundry has been in constantly rotating piles on the floor since day one. There always seems to be a mountain of unclean clothes on the floor in EVERY hallway of the house and the kitchen.I ask her to get a bigger hamper or implement some kind of hamper system and she argues that idea right out of my head.(HOW?......thats the same question im asking)

She can sit at the computer and play farmville ALL DAY with no interaction with me at all.(Her argument is that i put alot of time (1-2 hrs a day when i first get it)into making my brand new pda something that we can both use for anything we need without having to ask ANYBODY At all for any technical assistance.

Cigarette ashes in her chair, on her keyboard, monitor and the entire desk and what does she do? not what you'd think she reaches around under her shirt and pulls her bra off and throws it ON THE FLOOR IN HER OFFICE and leaves it there...................for weeks sometimes.

Instead of being active she LOVES to sit or LAY especially lay.

She came home one day excited because she'd found a dog that she wanted to make a in house dog. I wanted a pit bull because i know how to raise them the right way but her family is scared of them so she is too all of a sudden.

As a compromise i let her bring the dog into the house but only if she would help with him. The dog is now 11 mths old and all she does is make sure that beast is outside when she comes home and feed and water him. I teach him something and show it to her and its cool but evidently saying SIT and good dog is too much work for her so she uses fear tactics on the dog and he rebels against everything she tries and then has the nerve to forget what i taught him because there are two other ppl bent on teaching him the wrong way to do things. Her sister treats her dog like her child because she lives alone and she thinks i should spoil my guard dog like she spoils her PeTey that is everybody's friend.

 

I mean the dog pisses on them but not on me, they complain but wont correct even though ive showed them in the dog training for dummies book how to do it.(yeah i broke down and bought it because the dog is mixed with pug and they are very STUBBORN)

 

Her sister gives him table scraps so he steals food from her plate and she just complains

(i just give him STRICTLY dog food)

 

He jumps up on them and scratches them and they just say awww hes just playng.

(i dont get scratched or jumped on)

 

 

thats alot for now if anyone is listening though i will continue.......................................................

[GrayClouds]

o did i add that my woman is 6 yrs older than me?

 

She all about control, as long as you doing for her and do not ask of her things are mine, right? As soon as you start to making request things to not work so well, correct?

 

I suspect that for the few years that is was the way it went, but now you are finding your voice and she is seeing you changing this agreement that work for 7 years. The balancing in the relationship was all hers. Now your seeing seeing need for equality) .

 

Problem is you worked way to hard to be a good guy with her and not hard enough being a good guy to yourself. Two books that you should pick up- No More Mr Nice Guy ( it help understanding boundries) and Love Must Be Tough (read past the religious bent if your not into that though it too has very good information about finding balance in a relationship).