jackiez Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I pretty much already know what I need to do, but I guess I just need an outlet to get some of my thoughts and emotions out. My story: I'm twenty-nine year old single mother of two, aged 9 and 11, attending law school. I've had a string of relationships with "loser" guys...men who either can't hold jobs, don't have cars, or are emotionally dependent on me. Often its all three. I've known for a while now that my low self esteem drives my bad choices. So, when I got out my last relationship, which wasn't hard because the guy stole my car, robbed a number of people, and ended up in jail, I decided to focus entirely on my family and school. I would not look for another relationship to fill the void. I would work on myself. The experience with the last guy woke me up to how I choose to be treated. So, five months in, I was doing really well for myself. I worked hard to stay focused and avoided any potential for flirting with men. It felt great--difficult, but great. Then, one day a guy I worked with through the school's work study program started asking me questions about my life. We shared a number of the same interests and he asked if he could show me around a nearby city where he lives. I moved from out of state to attend school, haven't gotten around to exploring or otherwise doing things that I consider "fun" in the year that I've lived here, and his intentions seemed friendly. So I said yes. Then a few days prior to us hanging out I got an email suggesting we were going on a date. I said to myself, what the heck. This guy has a job and a car and seems pretty together. Lets see what happens. Well, I had a great time. One date led to another. When I asked him on our second date how long he had been divorced for, which he told me about on our first date, he surprised me by telling me that he was actually separated and not divorced. He has been living separated for about a year and prior to that stayed in separate areas of the house. Well, he didn't really move out of the house, he built a wall and is remodeling his half. He told me him and the ex are good friends, but not good together as husband and wife. He actually told me the housing situation on the first date, but referred to his wife as his exwife. This raised some concern, but I'm an open minded gal. I decided to talk to him about his living situation on the fourth date if we made it that far. After I learned was separated and NOT divorced, I went home and read a bunch of stuff online about dating separated men. So many sites advised to stay away. Number one on my radar was the possibility for him to reconcile with his wife. We made it through date three, again, having a wonderful time. He took me on a hike and we spent all day together. Then I went on vacation for 11 days. We spoke on the phone or emailed every few days while I was gone. I just got back and tonight was supposed to be date four. The date where I ask all of my serious questions and share my concerns. In addition to the not so ex wife, which was actually of lesser concern, I wanted to bring up the fact that I'm starting a new semester in school and that I won't have a lot of time to devote to a new relationship. How can we make things work for both of us? For the most part, I've been able to maintain my resolve about putting school and family first the whole time I've been seeing this guy. I spoke with him last night just before he took his teenage stepdaughter out for a night on the town and made plans to talk in the morning before our fourth date. I couldn't get a hold of him, so I sent an email letting him know we were still on for tonight. All the while, I was cleaning my house and getting some work done for a job I can do from home. No worrying, no pining away like I used to do. Well, then he called me. My heart sank when he told me that after bringing his daughter home last night, his wife decided to tell him she's still in love with him. He's confused, he said. And doesn't think its fair to spend time with me while he and his wife are still working things out. No **** it's not fair! So, I'm glad he told me. I'm pretty certain that he was beginning to develop feelings for me. (And, no, for anyone who decides to read through all this, we were not sexually involved, THANK GOODNESS!!!) And I'm sure that it's not a coincidence that his wife decides now that he's dating that she still loves him after more than a year of being a part. Unfortunately, I think she's the one who wanted the separation and that he is still in love with her. Oh, well. They are still married after all. I guess I just didn't or didn't want to see it coming. To be cliche, but honest, he was the first guy who ever treated me well. So, I'm sad for how things have turned out. But, on the upside, I did get a little practice in how healthy relationships work. Mutual respect. Honest communication. I still don't think I'm ready to look for another relationship, but if another person comes along who takes interest in me, I'll consider him. I don't think I'll ever date a separated guy again, though. I'll need to see the divorce paperwork! Also, I think date #1 or 2 rather than #4 is better for getting important questions answered. While this may not be "romantic" or "fun," there's plenty of room for these things after I decide the man is worth the investment of my time and heart. I guess to close this I want to say that I truly liked/like the guy, more than just the fact that he treated me well. We had a lot in common. There was a spark. I don't know what to hope for, really. That he and his wife reconcile or that he calls me again after getting a divorce? Either way, I'm grateful for the experience to practice balance in my life. If I were to wish for anything, I wish for my own happiness and strength to continue growing and that whatever this guy chooses will end up being the best for him. P.S. to me: You're okay! You DO NOT need a man. Although it is nice to have a good one around.... P.P.S: Why did things go so well with this guy? Because the whole time you treated him like he could be gone the next minute. You were grateful for the good times you were sharing and didn't create expectations. Good practice! When I do finally get married, I want to be able to sustain this outlook and be grateful for every moment me and my husband share together, every compromise he makes, and to make compromises myself out of love.
Child Please Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Jackiez, First, thank you for your story. I'll try to give you some of my insight, but you may want to read my post (Heartbroken Moron) before you consider too much of it. While I have never considered myself (and I never will) a "loser", I've made a very bad choice and it cost me dearly....but, I digress. I was once a "seperated" guy. The one thing I can say is guys that live with woman put themselves (knowingly) in a position to make things complicated. I tried that. And learned from it. There are a lot of "good men" out there that will treat you (and other women) the way they deserve to be treated. I think you probably know the answers to your own questions based on what you mentioned in your post. Sounds like you are deserving of a good/healthy relationship, and this was potentialy the first one to come around for you, except for the fact that the guy isn't divorced. Keep your head up, I'm sure there is something good in your future.
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