Child Please Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Hello all, I am in a situation that I have never been in. First, let me tell you a little about me. I am 39 years old, and divorced (with two kids 10 & 15). I used to have a professional career that made me a lot of money and came with some high "recgonition" from my peers. In 2006 I was in a bad car accident and was hospitalized for 6 months. I was single (divorced) at the time, and it changed my life. I left my career, and dedicated my life to recovery and my kids. I went from living a very comfortable lifestyle to just having enough to make it month to month, but I was okay with that, and planned to get back to the rat race at some point. Anyway, I met a woman last year and we began dating. We moved VERY fast, and I moved in with her (and her 3 kids) 4 months later. Things went very good and I was very happy. We started talking about marriage and a lifelong future together. Then I made what amounts to be the worst decision of my life. I was in need of money, and I knew that she kept cash and where it was. In a moment of complete stupidity, I decided that I could take what I needed and return it before she would ever know it was missing. Obviously, a horrible thing to do. Now, I have never stolen from anyone in my entire life. Never cheated, done drugs, been arrested, nothing. But, my pride wouldn't let me go to her and asj for help (and I know she would have done it). I got caught. For the first few hours, I denied knowing anything (which only served to make it worse). Then, I finally admitted the horrible truth. It's been a week since this all happened. She (and I) have been an emotional roller coaster all week. She finally told me Friday that she wanted to end it. Which, I completely understand. The problem is, as much as I know I screwed up, and know I destroyed the bond of trust and hurt her, I don't want to lose her. Since were live together, I obviously have to move out, and will start that process this week. She has told me on many occasions this week that she loves me, and forgives me, but is very angry and bitter. All of which I deserve. She is very close to my kids, as I am to hers. I have hurt them all, and will learn to live with what I've done. What do I do now? I asked her today if she would consider dating after I move out, and she asked if we could re-visit that in a couple of weeks. Of course, I will. From this point, I am trying to break off communication with her (as I smothered her all last week). I don't know what else to do, as I love this woman and don't want to lose her. Help...
Fruitpunch Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Break off communication, PROPERLY Leave it 2-4 weeks, as long as you can. Sort your life out, sort our finances out and sort your mind out. That was a real **** thing you did, about the lowest of the low. Actions speak louder than words so fix the problem by manning up and sorting your life out, before you continue involving her in it
Author Child Please Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 (edited) Break off communication, PROPERLY Leave it 2-4 weeks, as long as you can. Sort your life out, sort our finances out and sort your mind out. That was a real **** thing you did, about the lowest of the low. Actions speak louder than words so fix the problem by manning up and sorting your life out, before you continue involving her in it It was probably the worst thing I could have done to someone. I know that. All good advise. Advise which I know is the right thing to do. Also, I am trying to break off communication with her the right way. I am not the kind of person that would try to put any of this back on her, but having been through a break-up before (on both sides), I know sometime your brain can't stop your heart from spewing out of your mouth. But I will try. Edited August 22, 2010 by Child Please
GrayClouds Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Break off communication, PROPERLY Leave it 2-4 weeks, as long as you can. Sort your life out, sort our finances out and sort your mind out. That was a real **** thing you did, about the lowest of the low. Actions speak louder than words so fix the problem by manning up and sorting your life out, before you continue involving her in it I suggest the rather then break off communications and leaving, do the opposite. Stay and start learn to communicate properly. First through your actions: As soon as morning light hits the ground, find a professional counselor to work with to understand why you behaved so poorly and what will keep you from doing it in the future. These behavior includes lying, stealing, and the thing/habit/vice is you needed the money for but was not able to ask. Secondly as soon as that is done it time to look for work that will support you. If that means taking a second or third job as a convenient store clerk, then do it. Third sit down with you partner, tell her what you are doing to become the person she deserves, tell her you understand you broke her trust, and let her know you are dedicated to rebuilding including besides you person counseling work to become a better person, you want to commit to couple therapy to help become a better partner. Ask her in additional to those action, if she needs anything else from you, and then commit to doing them. Finally, then do all the above, be consistent, and focus while showing her love and respect through actions but also allow her to come to you. If she still wants relationships you will know, if not then show her you do respect her decision by continue working on yourself and correcting your issues. . .
Author Child Please Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 I suggest the rather then break off communications and leaving, do the opposite. Stay and start learn to communicate properly. First through your actions: As soon as morning light hits the ground, find a professional counselor to work with to understand why you behaved so poorly and what will keep you from doing it in the future. These behavior includes lying, stealing, and the thing/habit/vice is you needed the money for but was not able to ask. Secondly as soon as that is done it time to look for work that will support you. If that means taking a second or third job as a convenient store clerk, then do it. Third sit down with you partner, tell her what you are doing to become the person she deserves, tell her you understand you broke her trust, and let her know you are dedicated to rebuilding including besides you person counseling work to become a better person, you want to commit to couple therapy to help become a better partner. Ask her in additional to those action, if she needs anything else from you, and then commit to doing them. Finally, then do all the above, be consistent, and focus while showing her love and respect through actions but also allow her to come to you. If she still wants relationships you will know, if not then show her you do respect her decision by continue working on yourself and correcting your issues. . . Thank you. I didn't put in my OP what I needed the money for, but it was for a medical bill. I do think a couselor would be a good idea...to help me figure out why I made that decision, and why now. As for staying, I am pretty sure she doesn't want that. She hasn't said "get out", but I've offered to move out, and she is okay with that. I assumed (maybe worngly) that when she said she wanted to end it, that also meant "you need to live elsewhere". I do respect he and her decisions. If she elects to move on without me, as hard as it would be, I would respect it.
GrayClouds Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 (edited) Thank you. I didn't put in my OP what I needed the money for, but it was for a medical bill. I do think a couselor would be a good idea...to help me figure out why I made that decision, and why now. As for staying, I am pretty sure she doesn't want that. She hasn't said "get out", but I've offered to move out, and she is okay with that. I assumed (maybe worngly) that when she said she wanted to end it, that also meant "you need to live elsewhere". I do respect he and her decisions. If she elects to move on without me, as hard as it would be, I would respect it. You need to communicate that you understand the gravity of your behavior, what action your going to do to became a better person, one she deserves, you want to make the realtionship work, that your committed to doing what ever it takes to built her trust and ask her if she wants. Tell her you know you do not deserve the opportunity to make it up to her but if it is in her heart to give you a chance, you will. Be explicit and put yourself out there, in a committed, serious, honest and vulnerable positions. So there is no assumption or confusion what you or her wants. Assumption got you into this, so do not again make the same mistake. Remember at this point your words mean very little so what ever she says prove to her and yourself through actions that what you say is what you do. . Edited August 22, 2010 by GrayClouds
Recommended Posts