Evil_Gurl4064 Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I have been dating my boyfiend for over a year now. He is separated from his wife, and has been for over four years. When we started seeing each other, I knew he was married, but was given the impression they were in the process of getting divorced. About two months after we started seeing each other he went to alaska to drop his daughter off with his estranged wife. She had him sign the divorce papers while he was up there. My reaction was that is great, finally getting the ball rolling! Well I find out today, about 8 months later. She has been sitting on the divorce papers! I also found out that this isn't the first time she has done this!!! I feel betrayed! I moved in with my boyfriend about 3 months ago. If I am being honest, I don't know if I would have, had I know then what I know now. He doesn't want to "rock the boat" for fear of losing his daughter. I am at a complete loss. I love this man very much, as well as his daughter. I have never been married before, and would someday like to marry this man, but HE HAS TO GET DIVORCED FIRST!!! I just don't know how long I an manage to stay happy in this situation if he doesn't get the ball rolling.
spriggig Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I'm sure he can get the divorce finalized even without her consent or cooperation. He needs to talk to his lawyer. Make sure he understands that you will not stand for this very long. Remind him constantly and never seem complacent or accepting of the situation. If he continues to drag his feet (remember he has control here, see above), walk out on him. And, then think about if you want to be with a man who is not ready or able to "man-up" and take control of such a situation the way he should.
hopesndreams Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 He's still married. 4 years separated? Why oh why did you ever hook up with him in the first place?
tojaz Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Dont seem that evil to me. What reason does he give for not persuing the D? He can initiate his own if she refuses to. There are many reasons that are possible, some being financial. I wouldn't worry to much about why she is holding back so long as your BF has his head in the right place. When it becomes necessary he can initiate the D himself. Seperated for 4 years I doubt you have much to worry about, but even if its over it is sometimes hard to let the marriage go even after the love has gone. TOJAZ
Author Evil_Gurl4064 Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 I "hooked up with him" because I was told a divorce was in the works. He didn't lie to me about it, exactly. I think he didn't tell me because he knew I would be mad about it. I am not happy with the situation the way it is. He is just scared to "piss her off" because he is afraid he will lose his daughter. There is really no reason he would loose custody, but that doesn't eliminate his fear. I refuse to live my life in constant fear of his ex. I see the divorce and "cusody arrangement" as the best way to eliminate that fear. I didn't marry her. I will not deal with this. Our lease is up in 10 months, if the ball isn't rolling by then. I think I am going to have to leave.
witabix Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Whereas I agree with what spriggig has posted, there is another dimension. You mentioned OP. The fear that he will be cut off from his child. This fear is real, it happens. A separated woman can use the children against her estranged H, it can happen even without marriage being involved. As a man it is a heart wrenching experience, your ex won't quite let go and your child is used as the glue to hold on to you. I am experiencing it at the moment, only coming up to six months apart. Already the subtle manipulations are starting to show. Nothing overt, but definitely there. It is entirely possible that he wants nothing more to do with his wife, that him proceeding to divorce will engender bad feeling and this will interrupt contact with his child. There may be something else to it as well of course. Ask him about it all, gauge his reaction, and go on your gut instinct as to whether he is telling the truth or not.
hopesndreams Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 10 months is a long time to live with fear and uncertainty.
Simon Attwood Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 So you have your fear, versus his fear of losing contact with his daughter. His fear seems quite clear cut and rational, but what exactly is your fear?
Author Evil_Gurl4064 Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 It is a long time, but I am locked into a lease, and cannot afford to get out. I feel as though I was misinformed when I moved in with him. He knew she was sitting on the papers, and I was under the inpression they were being file. Even asked for updates on what was going on blah blah blah. I feel betrayed. If I had know that she was sitting on the papers, and he was going to drag his feet on this. I would not have moved in with him.
Author Evil_Gurl4064 Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 If he didn't want to divorce her, because of his fear. (which I was not told ahead of time) He shouldn't have brought me into this situation!
witabix Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 If he didn't want to divorce her, because of his fear. (which I was not told ahead of time) He shouldn't have brought me into this situation! You should definitely have been informed of the whole position.. If you feel you were misled than you are free to do what will make it better for you.
Simon Attwood Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I'm still curious for you to put your fear in to words, Evil
Author Evil_Gurl4064 Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 I am young with no children, never been married. I want to get married, have children of my own. I can't do that while he is still married. I love this man very much and I am afraid, if he doesn't get divorced, then we have no future together. I feel like I was mislead to think that we could. With the situation being what it is, we can't.
You Go Girl Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Moving in with a man under false pretenses, ie; lying through omission, is manipulative. Simply stating the facts.
Simon Attwood Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 You have a choice, as I see it; you either face the facts and understand that you might not be the most important woman in his life right now and that his daughter might be the most important woman (naturally so), or, you walk away and find someone who can give you the sole focus that you need in order to ease your fears. I wonder if it is his wife you see as the competition, or his daughter.
You Go Girl Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 He deceived her to get her to move in with him. She has stated herself that her choice would have been different had she known all the facts. That's a red flag for future deception potential, in addition to knowing that she now cannot fulfill her dreams and life desires until these other people play their moves, and their moves may or may not happen for years. She was put in this position unfairly.
Author Evil_Gurl4064 Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 I would never think to put myself between him and his daughter. I would never want to be with a man, that would put any woman before his child. He tip toes around her mother over every issue. This is just one of many. The custody situation will ultimatly have to come to a head, whether I am involoved or not. He needs to put an end to that, by establishing a custody aggreement. He got involved with me knowing that he had unfinished business with his ex. Thus he involved me. I feel cheated, I thought I was getting involved in a situation that was being resolved. As it turns out that wasn't true.
Simon Attwood Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 (edited) He deceived her to get her to move in with him. She has stated herself that her choice would have been different had she known all the facts. That's a red flag for future deception potential, in addition to knowing that she now cannot fulfill her dreams and life desires until these other people play their moves, and their moves may or may not happen for years. She was put in this position unfairly. we not only deceive others but ourselves, all the time. It's the motive for deception that is important. He was protecting his relationship with his daughter. Edited August 22, 2010 by Simon Attwood
Trimmer Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I would never think to put myself between him and his daughter. I would never want to be with a man, that would put any woman before his child. He tip toes around her mother over every issue. This is just one of many. The custody situation will ultimatly have to come to a head, whether I am involoved or not. He needs to put an end to that, by establishing a custody aggreement. He got involved with me knowing that he had unfinished business with his ex. Thus he involved me. I feel cheated, I thought I was getting involved in a situation that was being resolved. As it turns out that wasn't true. Now that you have witnessed, first hand, his relationship with his ex (or STBX...), are you expecting that to change, once a divorce is completed? You might want to consider that having a divorce and custody agreement in place will not necessarily change the fundamental dynamic of their relationship as time goes on, and given that they will be a part of each others' lives (because of their daughter) for years to come, you will be affected by that. Make sure that a realistic view of this fact is incorporated as a part of your vision of a life with him. Please don't marry someone in full view of a bunch of problems, and expect to "change him" later...
You Go Girl Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 we not only deceive others but ourselves, all the time. It's the motive for deception that is important. He was protecting his relationship with his daughter. The motivation for deception was to get her to live with him.
spriggig Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Again, the right person for him to talk to is his lawyer, to quell his concerns about custody and to clarify his options. Men follow Newton's first law of motion: An object at rest will stay at rest unless an outside force acts upon it.
newdawn Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Well, maybe you could move out and get a roommate, or even two roommates if finances dictate, and make a new beginning with him after he has finalized his affairs with his wife. I mean, now, you know his true situation. If you stay, well, it looks like you're ok with it. Staying now would feel like loss of personal dignity to me. I'd go now.
Simon Attwood Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 The motivation for deception was to get her to live with him. no, his motivation was to protect his relationship with his daughter.
You Go Girl Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 no, his motivation was to protect his relationship with his daughter. I dare you to show me logic in that he lied to her about the divorce proceedings in order to protect his daughter. Protecting his daughter has nothing to do with lying to her.
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