Devestated

[mountainbike]

I am not sure what to do. I feel like I have lost control of my life. This is hard to explain. I am 39 years old. I have never been married. Had one engagement at the end of the 90’s and since then, a few small relationships and one serious one that also ended. 3 years ago, I met a girl and we fell in love. She is 34. We were both very scared as we had both been burned before. She did not want to commit. I put no pressure on her. After a few months, we talked and both of us said we were no longer scared and that finding each other after all the bad relationships was our reward.

Back in March of this year, we decided to move in together and then we would get engaged. I own a house, she owns a condo and we planned to live in my house for a few years while she rents her place, then sell both and buy a house in the country. I had a roommate who had been at my place for almost 9 years. I asked him to move out. He did, but he was not happy as he is not in great financial shape. It sucked to have to do it, he is a good friend, but my girlfriend also was not in the best financial shape. She owns and rides horses; she has two dogs, student loans and such. Her moving in was also to help her get stable. I actually pay less to live in my house than she does at her condo.

So, the roommate moves out the second week of July. She is set to move in at the end of August. I had never seen her so happy. She told me how much she loved me and how she was looking forward to starting our life together.

I start cleaning and painting, looking at carpets, all that kind of stuff. A few days later, she calls me and tells me both her grandmothers have cancer. She is devastated and rightly so. One grandmother has throat cancer, the other has leukemia. Her family lives 6 and 8 hours away from where we are by car and there is no major airport or a train to these areas. Her parents are divorced and both live near the grandparents.

So, she goes down to see the family. When she comes back from her trip, she is changed. She is distant. She does not seem to want to be around me. Before, she was coming over all the time or I was going over there. We no longer slept in the same bed and no longer had relations. She seemed uninterested in me. Our daily phone calls that used to last forever and caused me to have to get an unlimited plan became 10 to 15 minutes of her talking to me while driving to and from her barn and she was always sounded distracted. Then it became mostly text messages.

I figure she is having a rough time dealing with her grandmothers. It’s understandable. I don’t bring up her moving in and she does not say anything about it either. She does not say she is or she is not. She stops helping at my place. I am painting on my own, cleaning on my own. Before, it was a team effort and she was all excited. I finally just said, "So I guess you are not moving in for a while." She just looked at me and said she was too busy. I said I understood

This weekend it felt like she was avoiding me. Friday night, she would not kiss me goodnight. She gave me a "friend" hug where she barely touched me. Saturday she would not return my calls, she had somebody else take her to pick her car up while I waited by the phone for her to call. I finally get ahold of her and ask her what is going on, why is she avoiding me. She says she is not but after I lay out everything she finally says I won't like what she has to say but she is going to say it. She thinks she needs space. She wants to take a break. She is considering leaving and moving to be close to her family.

She tells me she knows this sucks but it is what she needs to do. I have an elderly father who lives an hour from me in a retirement home. So she says she knows I would not move with her. She says all this in a robotic voice, devoid of emotion. When I tell her she is leaving me hanging out there with no options her response it, "Well, that is that" I understand she is close with her family. I feel horrible about everything they are going through. I am not sure what I can do. She said she may decide to keep our relationship later, but she has to figure things out. I was and still am devastated. I tried not to cry on the phone. Any idea what I should do?

Edited August 22, 2010 by mountainbike

[ShannonMI]

Give her space. I know it's difficult to do that, but she's going through a very stressful time right now. It sounds like she's got a lot on her plate with two sick relatives.

She will greatly appreciate you giving her the space she needs, I'm sure. Right now she can't focus on the relationship you two have. It would be good just to be understanding at this point. Tell her you will give her the space she needs and if she needs you for support, then you will be there. If just being there for support is too painful for you, then I suggest not having any contact with her until she decides what she wants. I hope that helps!

[mountainbike]

I understand what you are saying. It does make me feel a bit selfish for bringing it up to her. I know she is really having a hard time with this. And I know I should be there and that is what I wanted to do. It sucks being alone because I care about her so much. There is something else though. I did not post it initially because my post was a mile long so I cut it. So here it is.

 

She has a group of her friends, mostly people she works with and almost all young single guys with one exception. The exception is a young married couple. Both are 30 and have been married 18 months. She works with the husband and is friends with the wife. She goes over to their place often. Sometimes I get invited, mostly I do not. She goes over to their house there on Sunday nights to watch HBO.

 

Monday morning this past week I get a call from her at 8am. She is driving to work. She calls to tell me that the young couple’s husband showed up at her place at 10:30pm the night before and asked if he could stay there. He and his wife had a big fight and it was very bad. I think nothing of it at first. She asked me to help clean out her spare bedroom. I go over after work and he is there. He tells me it was not a fight, they are getting divorced. He does not seem the least bit upset, more relieved I would say. I tell my girlfriend this and she says that his wife does not know where he is staying and even though she and the wife are friends, she won’t tell her. I brought this up to a few friends and my 85 year old father and I got the same reaction, “Oh, hell no!” I want to believe it’s all on the up and up….but it does seem a bit odd. Am I wrong?

[GrayClouds]

Sorry bike it is a really hard place to be. I also hate to say it but something her does not smell right. The odds of both getting sick at the same time seems a bit high, her coming back pushing you away rather leaning on you seem counter-intuitive.

 

You have already suggest she has commitment issues and at the least she is showing a deep inability to be emotionally intimate to communicate what is going on. It offers you a window of how she handles stress and will do the same when difficulties in the relationship happens, that will make success very difficult in the long run.

 

As worst she is not being truthful to you at all and her visit to grandmas' house was really sneaking away to be with a big bad wolf.

 

Either way she is being selfish and you deserve much better from some who claimed to love you. Stop all contact, try to focus on yourself and do not give her anything until she beating down your door on hand and knees with a long list of actions that she is going to do to make the realtionship work.

 

Pick up the book Love Must Be Tough by Dobson (despite the religious overtones it has good information to help) and read the follow and do as it says:

 

So you want a second chance?

 

 

Sorry about you pain, it will get better, you deserve better.

 

 

.

[ShannonMI]

I understand what you are saying. It does make me feel a bit selfish for bringing it up to her. I know she is really having a hard time with this. And I know I should be there and that is what I wanted to do. It sucks being alone because I care about her so much. There is something else though. I did not post it initially because my post was a mile long so I cut it. So here it is.

 

She has a group of her friends, mostly people she works with and almost all young single guys with one exception. The exception is a young married couple. Both are 30 and have been married 18 months. She works with the husband and is friends with the wife. She goes over to their place often. Sometimes I get invited, mostly I do not. She goes over to their house there on Sunday nights to watch HBO.

 

Monday morning this past week I get a call from her at 8am. She is driving to work. She calls to tell me that the young couple’s husband showed up at her place at 10:30pm the night before and asked if he could stay there. He and his wife had a big fight and it was very bad. I think nothing of it at first. She asked me to help clean out her spare bedroom. I go over after work and he is there. He tells me it was not a fight, they are getting divorced. He does not seem the least bit upset, more relieved I would say. I tell my girlfriend this and she says that his wife does not know where he is staying and even though she and the wife are friends, she won’t tell her. I brought this up to a few friends and my 85 year old father and I got the same reaction, “Oh, hell no!” I want to believe it’s all on the up and up….but it does seem a bit odd. Am I wrong?

This does seem odd. She may be doing something with this guy that moved into her place. I say just have no more contact. She may come around or she may not. Just try to move on as hard as that is right now. I'm sorry

[GrayClouds]

Monday morning this past week I get a call from her at 8am. She is driving to work. She calls to tell me that the young couple’s husband showed up at her place at 10:30pm the night before and asked if he could stay there. He and his wife had a big fight and it was very bad. I think nothing of it at first. She asked me to help clean out her spare bedroom. I go over after work and he is there. He tells me it was not a fight, they are getting divorced. He does not seem the least bit upset, more relieved I would say. I tell my girlfriend this and she says that his wife does not know where he is staying and even though she and the wife are friends, she won’t tell her. I brought this up to a few friends and my 85 year old father and I got the same reaction, “Oh, hell no!” I want to believe it’s all on the up and up….but it does seem a bit odd. Am I wrong?

 

With this new information... She is cheating. Go NC and stay NC. Really sorry for your pain, make sure you read that link. I wish you well.

[Jeff M Stevens]

Listen, if you could change places with her, wouldn't you want to lean on the most important person in your life for support?

 

I mean, if you had sick relatives, you would want her closer, and not further away.

 

Her sick relatives are only the 2nd reason she is not with you.

 

The first reason (and I know this hurts) is that she does not want to be with you anymore.

 

I think it is pretty bad of her to just break contact from what seems to be a loving situation but you have to look at the bottom line factor.

 

The bottom line factor says that women that love us want to be around us.

 

Anything less than that, and it is not worth it.

 

Even if you do give her "space" and she does come back, what do you have there? A woman that completely shattered your heart and then is allowed back into your life?

 

I think not.

 

I feel for you guy. You seem like a real good man and you need to forget all about this girl and find a girl that will be sweet, supportive and not break up with you with nary a thought as to how it would make you feel.

 

Good luck.

[mountainbike]

Yeah, I found it odd that she did not turn to me when all this happened. I know I would have needed her if things were reversed. She turned to her friends instead. She really made me feel bad for bringing things up. She all but called me "selfish" Maybe I was, but what do you do when you feel you are being neglected. It sucks.

 

I've backed off now so who knows where it will go. I am conflicted, I see multiple reasons for moving on, I have had over a month of being at the bottom of her important list unless she needed a favor so that gives you perspective. I guess the biggest reason I did not do something earlier is I was afraid of losing her and all we were working for. But if one is not working with you, I guess there is no point. Sadly I do know the reasons for staying of she comes back are few if any and the likelihood it will happen again is high. I guess love is just not enough sometimes

[Don Ho]

Sorry you're in this situation bro. Sounds like she lost interest in you and may have gotten involved with someone else. I was going to tell you to go NC and give her space until I read the 2nd part and now I would say GO NC and do not hold out hope with her. It's best for you to start rebuilding your life and move forward. Contacting her will only push her further away.

 

DO NOT send her any emails professing your love,asking how she could do this, that she's an awful person, that you will "be here" for her and so on. NOTHING. Do not contact her regarding her sick relative. Those actions will change nothing. It will not make you feel better, only prolong your pain. I assume you Mountain Bike? Get out there and ride, see your friends, get busy. Hang in there bro. It's rough at first but gets easier.

[mountainbike]

Its been very rough on me so far. I have not made any contact with her since it happened. I work from home, so I am here for 8 hours alone and it really sucks. Most of my oldest friends are an hour away and married and the few that live around me here are also married. I do bike and I am trying to motivate myself to go, its been hard. Thanks for the insights everyone. Just feel so down.

[edgeofdarkness]

hav u considered contacting yr old tenant and asking if he would like to move back in, if he cant tell him what went down, and then apologise, thank him for being a great tenant, wish him luck then find a new tenant!!

She is not gonna need the extra room, and maybe u could do with the income, so go out and find a new house mate.

Then go out and create a new life for yrself, u can do it, dont be daunted by what has happened, bcos if u abdicate your happiness for the sake of someone who has crushed it underfoot, it means u value their actions more than yrself.

put yrself on top again.

[Don Ho]

Of course it's tough bro. But what's your alternative? Contacting her? NO. Get your bike out and start riding everyday. 3 times a day if you have to and especially if you're obsessing or wanting to contact her. Get out of your house. Can't you take your laptop and do your work at Starbucks or somewhere? Get a room mate. Move in with someone. Don't spend time alone all the time or you will be miserable. Your friends are married. So? Does that mean you can't visit? Maybe you should drive an hour and spend weekends with some of them. Get busy bro. Hang in there. It gets easier.