Family is Exiling me

[Dooda]

My brother calls me the "enemy". My father says there is no point in talking to me anymore.

For 19 years, I haven't realized, until recently, to what point I have been abused.

My father's 'treatment' of me was that he would go into rages and beat me senselessly until he felt satisfied. He would rip my clothes, or break my electronics. He would scream at me and insult me and tell me how much of a garbage person I was, etc. My mother was the same, minus the beating past the age of 13, because she was too small.

My parents would give me the silent treatment. They would beat me, insult me, and then not talk to me for hours or days or weeks. They would tell me stuff like I wish you were never born, it was a dark day the day you were born. Those were mostly my mothers. My mother was very intuitive when it came to insults.

 

My brother would do the same. It was a chain. My brother would suck up and feel bad to his parents, but when it came to me there was no remorse, no feeling, I was just the trash lying on the ground. My brother would beat me, push me on the ground, and then yell at me 'you're wrong.'

 

That isn't to say that my family didn't "love" me, but now I question even that. It was like the family that on the outside was very polished, but when you delved deeper you could see so many insecurities. My mother would put on this face of "I'm so polite, I'm so nice" and then come home to rant about how garbage people were. My father would put on this face of "I work so hard, my son causes me trouble, feel sorry for me" and then come home and beat my ass.

 

My father is exiling me because I no longer take their abuse, their garbage, disgusting, ****ed up, bull**** abuse. I'm so tired of it. I just can't take it anymore. I never realised, till now that I was being abused, and that is why I feel so depressed, so angry, so afraid to talk to people, so stressed out, like I always have to be perfect.

 

It's still the same old bull****. My brother beats me at least once a month, and I'm 19 for god's sake. I feel humiliated. How can anyone humiliate me in that way, in any way? It's not fair, to me or to anyone. He beats me, and feels no remorse. It's disgusting. It drives me crazy, because I can't seem to think how someone could be so hardheaded to think that he has a right to beat me, because he is the "bigger brother".

 

Yesterday, I dropped a salad bowl on the ground, and my Dad psyched out. He was doing a whole bunch of weird movements that he usually does when he can't control his anger. He started screaming, "My rug! What about my rug!" I couldn't take it. I said, "I didn't do anything wrong, it was an accident." He started screaming and insulting me, and I said, "Shutup." He said, "You're not eating any of my food" (as in the food in his house was all his). I screamed at his face and said, "You have no right to insult me because I dropped a salad bowl".

 

I went upstairs and kept screaming, I was angry, I really couldn't control myself. I kept screaming, "you have no right to insult me because I dropped a salad bowl". My dad then came up and tried to intimidate me. My **** brother stood behind him and told him to stop, that I was crazy, that there was no point in talking to 'him'. My dad came up right in front of my face and tried to intimidate me. He said, "what". Then he started screaming at me, saying "HIT ME!" HIT ME!"... like I was going to hit him in the first place, like it wasn't him coming up to intimidate me. I said stop, get out of my face, leave me alone. He kept coming closer to my face. I pushed my father away. My brother said, "Let's leave". My Dad kept standing in the doorway. I pushed him away, hard. I didn't give a ****, I was angry. What right does he have, to constantly insult me like I have nothing, and have no remorse? What right? My brother tried to beat me and then my Dad stopped him. I know why he stopped him.

 

After this, my brother doesn't want to talk to me, he says he doesn't 'love' me. He calls me the enemy. He goes into psychotic fits, and says we have to be UNITED!!, HE IS THE ENEMY!!! Like some real revolutionary soldier. I seriously want to get inside his head and and understand how he can think that... It doesn't make any sense...

 

I don't really care. I don't care at all, what they think. I just don't get how I feel bad, every morning I wake up thinking about this, feeling tormented, and how they go on feeling like life is normal, that there is nothing wrong with them... I am the enemy.

 

I remember once, my brother and I got into a fight, and this was after I started showing resistance back, he started to get violent with me. I ran downstairs, and grabbed a hockey stick. Ofcourse, my mom was on his side, giving me that glaring eye she does whenever there's a conflict between me and my brother. He grabbed the hockey stick then rushed me to the ground. He choked me for about 30 seconds, then he let go, and kept beating me on the head. I gave up, and started saying, "what do you want out of me?" He said, I want you to be a better person, and then smacked me in my face. I said, "I'm a piece of ****, whatever". He said, WRONG ANSWER and then punched me 3 or 4 times in the head. I said it a few more times, and then he did it again and again. I was on the ground, lying there, and he got up and said: "you better get better, otherwise you're going to go crazy"

The place was a mess, and my mother was looking down at me like I was garbage. "You started it, you started getting violent with him, you took the hockey stick," even though it was obviously him who started getting violent with me.

 

I really don't think I love my family, and I don't think they love me. I don't think they have ever loved me. I feel like I will be scrutinized by society for pushing my dad, but no one knows the way I am treated. No one knows how hard it is to feel this way, in this way. They have taken everything away from me, and have no remorse, nothing. My brother has beaten me to a pulp and thinks he has the right to do it.

It's like, I don't want to stop caring, but at the same time, I am so tired of trying.

My brother, mother and father have all constantly told me how much of a garbage person I am. I am unorganized, not clean, unhygienic, misbehaved, argumentative. They want me to change, but at the same time, they don't want to change.

 

They have been abusive to me for so many years, and I have accepted it. The second I am abusive back, it all changes, they cannot accept it. They cannot accept that I am angry, somehow.

I feel like my life is messed up, and that it is out of control. I seriously cannot talk to people. I always think about what they're saying, and what I'm saying, and worry about what I'm saying. I can't have a normal conversation, or be myself. I almost have no more friends, I have lost connection with people, and I feel the anguish that runs between me and my family is impeding my friendships, because I feel so insecure.

Edited August 22, 2010 by Dooda

[Dooda]

Sorry, I moved this to Family.

Edited August 22, 2010 by Dooda

[cesar13]

I don't want to be a jerk but there has to be a reason why they are treating you so badly. Nobody , well at least nobody who is sane , just does this kind of crap. I am so sorry for what you are going through. When I was a teenager , I used to think everyone was against me , when in reality everyone was just trying to help. Teenage years are so hard.