kellyisme Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I'm a MW in affair with MM, who lives about 500 miles away. We were friends in high school & reconnected thru FB after 32 yrs. Each of us were unhappy in our existing marriages. For the last 8 months we have communicated thru txts email, & phone, and have rendezvoused 3 times. We each thought we had found our soulmate and the sex was great too. (duh!) I have seen a lawyer to initiate separation from my marriage (& I have 7yo), not contingent on the affair. Now I'm starting to see the real side of Mr. Wonderful. I've discovered he's not the strong mature honest guy I thought, so I would like to end the relationship. I'm a 53yo strong independent woman, why the hell can't I do this. I have NO IDEA how to initiate a conversation to end. I have considered writing a letter, not sure that's OK? I want to do what is right (haha how ironic); no txting! There were 3 instances where I tried to end it because of something that ticked me off, but I always folded; he can be very manipilative and he's quite the salesman, KWIM? Any ideas? can you give me ideas for Dear John conversation starters? Should I take the easy route and write a letter instead of phone convo? Thanks all!
carhill Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I assume you faced your husband and told he you wanted to separate/divorce, right? Apply that same methodology and perspective to the MM. Face him by whatever means appropriate and unilaterally say/write 'it's over', 'don't contact me again', 'goodbye'. If in person, and he tries his salesman schtick, just walk out, like you'd do at a car dealership. If by phone, hang up. If by letter, ignore the response. Once you've made your intentions clear, do not speak with him again. Delete him from all forms of communication and, if necessary, change your contact information. Wipe the slate clean I've done this a couple times, and find that ending things firmly but on a positive note is helpful for myself...... 'We gave it our best shot, but the reality is that divorce is the best path'. 'If you can't be honest with your husband, I have to let you go. I will miss you, but that is how it has to be' There is no smooth and easy way to terminate someone out of your life. If varies from indifferent to ugly. You've done it with your husband, so have some practice. Put it to use. Good luck
Fallen Angel Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 If I were in your shoes I would simply write him a short, to the point letter(email) terminating the relationship, and then block him from being able to contact you again. Perhaps something along the lines of taking the blame for the relationship not working out would be more likely to lead to him accepting NC. What I mean is when I left my now exH and explained to him that the reasons I was leaving were because of his issues, he just couldn't let it go. He had to keep contacting me and telling me he would change x, y or z. Or he felt he had to contact me in order to prove how I was wrong in my assesment of his flaws. (If that makes any sense to anyone but me. I am only on my first cup of coffee, so bear with me.) But once I took responsibility for the ending of our marriage, by telling him that it was my own flaws that led to the end ("I was weak and allowed my heart to become attatched to another", "I was no longer the woman you fell in love with, I changed."; "I was not happy with who I was anymore") he was more able to let go. Sort of. LOL. All I mean is that when I spoke of the ending of our relationship in terms of what his fault in it's ending was, he looked upon that as a challenge to him, he either had to "prove" me wrong and contact me in order to show me how my logic was flawed, or he looked at it as an open door, a "she said she couldn't handle my alcoholism, so if I promise to go to treatment, then she will want me back" kind of attitude, and he would contact me to make all sorts of promises about how he would change. If you take responsibilty for the ending, he is less likely to contact you with promises of change, or in order to try to minize his fault in the ending. Perhaps a simple.... I am sorry that it did not work out. I realize now that the person I was presenting to you, is not the person who I truly am. I am not the woman you think I am, and I can no longer pretend to be. I wish you happiness and love with a woman who knows who she is and who is happy and fulfilled in a relationship with you. Do not contact me again. I am moving on with my life, and I have much work to do in my healing process so that I can learn to be my authentic self. Much luck to you and yours, Kellyisme After you send the message block him from your email, phone, instant messenger etc. Good luck kelly.
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