evicted Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I'd appreciate any advice, or help! and sorry but this ones gonna be long, but if you just read the last paragraph , the "bottom line". Here is a little background: Went out with my girlfriend for almost 3 years. 1st year of our relationship was picture perfect, we were in love, however, near the end of the 1st year, she moved away for 6 months, and we both worked hard to keep our relationship going and we did extremely well. so at around our 1 and three quarters of a year of dating, I began to not pay as much attention to her, I wasn't a GREAt bf (although i wasn't bad either). She was still great and i never doubted that she was fully in love with me. but she tried hard to keep our relationship going eventhough she felt as though i wasn't being as good as her. anyways at the lowest point of our relationship almost at 2 and a half years. I was supposed to be going out with 2 of my friends, 1 of which was a girl that my gf did not like at all, because she was worried that , that girl liked me. To my luck, when i picked up the girl and was driving over to my other friends' place, he flaked. i went to the movies anyway (which was extremely awkward being just me and that girl..) I came home told her exactly what happened and explained that it was a horrible night. (btw she didn't want to go because that girl that she disliked was there) . After that we just went down hill, until we both mutually agreed to break up, because i wasn't fully dedicated to her, because i could not promise her marriage. During this recent summer, (we always talk to each other) , she mentioned to me that she had developed a crush on this other guy, and that they had been in contact , texting each other. And she was wanted advice on how to proceed. ..... I was HURT! I understand that it might seem like it was jealousy, but it really wasnt. It was more of a realization of how much i actually loved, and still love her. i didn't want to lose her. And i explained it to her the next day. She explained to me that she didn't know that i was in love with her still, and that i "finally" realized that i love her, and that she also still loved me. But from then on, she always seems distant, when i would want to talk to her she was always busy. So basically she said that if i really love her, then i would have to prove it to her, and that it would take time for her to come around. She kept saying that she loves me and she wants a future with me, as long as i could build trust in her. I told her that if she loves me, then we should get together and we can work out everything, but well she didn't agree. I just told her that if after all the stuff we've been through, through the good and the bad, if she could not commit to being my gf, it was understandable to me, but i just wouldn't be able to keep in contact with her because it would hurt me too much. she cried and begged me to try and show her and give her more time to be able to trust me again, because she really did love me. She said that she wants a future with me, but is not yet ready to commit to being my gf again, because she has to build trust first. (I don't know why she is telling me this, i mean as i saw it, if you love someone and you see a future with them , then there would be no reason to not commit to a romantic relationship. =/ is she just bs'ing me, because she is afraid to lose me as a friend? or do you think she is honest about her feelings. ) She agreed, that if i visited her for 2 days 1 night, and i could sweep her off her feet, that she would be my gf again. so i visited,and the visit went great! we both had alot of fun and were holding hands and we even cuddled at night on the same bed. but before i left the next day she explained that she still needed more time and that 1 day was not enough. i seriously was like, are you serious!? i was really romantic throughout my visit... or at least so i thought.. Bottom line!: I don't know if there is something else that is going on with her and maybe her crush? (although i doubt it, because she told me that the crush was stupid and she loved me way more and that she wasnt even talking to him anymore) , does she really need time?. And if she really does need time, would it even make her change her mind? would she ever fall in love with me again? Will a girl who has apparently fallen out of love with her ex , fall in love with him again? im confused. what do i do?
Ronni_W Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 She has told you that the problem is that SHE is lacking trust. So, the question is what is SHE prepared to do, to start trusting you again? You are trustworthy; you have not done anything to demonstrate that she "shouldn't" or "can't" trust you. The problem is actually on her side (within herself), not yours...but she's turned it into you being "at fault" and the one who has to "redeem" himself. It's just BS that she's been selling and you've been buying. What to do is give it back to her: Tell her that there's no valid reason for her to NOT trust you, so there's nothing for you to do on your own and by yourself. Tell her that SHE needs to work to overcome HER problem. Ask if/how/what you can do to HELP her with her trust issues. That is, you can offer to partner with her to resolve her problem. While she is digesting this new information about herself, you can ask yourself if you really want to be in relationship with someone who: (a) is emotionally under-responsible, and going to blame you and make you the "wrong" one...even when you aren't the problem, and (b) is quite ready and willing to say, "You fix it and I'll judge if/how well you're doing" -- instead of saying, "WE have a problem. How can WE partner together to resolve it to our MUTUAL satisfaction?"
Author evicted Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 thanks for the advice! well, i mean i wasn't really a good boyfriend to her, i didn't give her as much attention as she gave me. and thats how i supposedly hurt her. but , should i discuss wither her that she should fix her trust issue and that there is nothing i can do? because she keeps telling me that I have to build trust back in her, by "wooing" her and by acting like a good boyfriend eventhough im not her bf. btw, i asked her what she considers us then, and she says that we are "just dating", and that neither one of us , is allowed to see anyone else , hence she doesn't keep in contact with her "crush" supposedly.
tornandmarried Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 its weird how she would cry and beg for you, yet still need time to think about being with you....the crush she asked for advice about might have been a story she invented to make u want her back....either she really wants a second chance at a relationship or she wants to string u along cuz she feels u wasnt giving her enough attention in the relationship and wants to see u sweat over getting her back...her way of getting the attention she deserved before....if she really didnt trust you she wouldnt even speak to you
straycat99 Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Dude, this chick sounds super lame, I'm sorry to break that to you. The fact that she's made up some obscure rule about you guys not seeing other people, albeit you're not together, makes you really look like a doormat. And unless this girl is 15, she shouldn't be asking something of you that you are struggling to comprehend. A real woman (and a real man) will tell you where they stand in black and white terms, and they are either willing to negotiate or not. So don't go down with the ship dude, life is too short. Go meet someone else who won't waste your time and theirs. I know it's easier said than done, but just walk away (proverbially) and don't look back.
Ronni_W Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 she keeps telling me that I have to build trust back in her, by "wooing" her and by acting like a good boyfriend eventhough im not her bf. she says that we are "just dating", SHE needs to make up her mind if she is "just dating" you or if she is your "girlfriend". YOU need to stop being such a pussy-doormat. Take a firm stand and TELL HER that you're not going to "act like a good boyfriend" towards anybody that you are "just dating". ASK HER what is SHE prepared to do, to make the relationship work better. TELL HER that YOU need some trust/evidence that your efforts are not going to just be criticized, pissed on and rejected. If she says "Nothing, it's all up to you," then just dump her sorry ass. She's going to keep making your life miserable by blaming you for everything that's wrong, and making you work like a donkey to keep her happy, and keep making you feel incompetent and inadequate because, no matter WHAT you try to do and succeed at, it is NEVER going to be enough for the likes of her. Seriously, you guys, stop acting like that. It's unattractive and does nothing at all to actually improve relationships from their foundations, up.
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