wheelwright Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 ...another more than you love your SO. Should you leave? Does it depend on how long the R has been? If you are M? Children? What does it depend on? What if it is an old love you never got over and now realise is the love of your life but didn't do that? You are with your SO? I've seen my friends make this decision. They tend to go for the status quo, with shards of unhappiness mixed in. Is that bad?
jennie-jennie Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 The answer to this is different for different people. There is nothing that would ever make me stay with someone if I loved someone else more. Nothing. But that is obviously not true for my MM. He puts the welfare of his kids first. He has a strong urge to be the provider, this is a huge part of him, to provide for those he loves, including his spouse. Is this part of him more important than who he loves the most? As his OW I am not second to his wife, but am I second to his need to be a provider? Should I accept being second to anything?
woinlove Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I would think in terms of living one's life with honesty and integrity. The question is how did one get into the state of loving someone else more? Usually one doesn't end up loving someone else more without lies and deception. Perhaps the whole R with SO has been a lie if one always loved someone else more but led SO to believe otherwise. Perhaps the lies came later in R with SO and one then fell in love. Perhaps one lied to oneself and always loved someone else more without acknowledging this. In that case, time to come clean with yourself and SO. Once one is honest, you may no longer have a choice to stay or leave. But if you do, I'd say that choice should come after honesty.
Fight4Me Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 All I know is that I wouldn't want my fWH staying with me if he loved someone else more, especially after giving R a try. I deserve to be cherished and adored, and would want the opportunity to be free to find that. Whether he should go to his OW would depend on whether she was available. If married and happily reconciled, he would need to go it alone.
hopesndreams Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 What does it depend on? Depends on whether they have a conscience or not. Those that "fall in love" with another, while in a relationship, have no conscience.
carhill Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I'm definitely not a satus-quo person. Lost both. No regrets. Lots of life lessons.
spriggig Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Make no mistake, there is nothing mysterious going on here. You chose to chase butterflies with the old flame instead of confronting your husband constructively in an honest attempt to develop a stable relationship with him. What if it is an old love you never got over and now realise is the love of your life but didn't do that?Your husband was the "love of your life" when you married him and no one could have convinced you otherwise at the time. This old flame is NOT the love of your life. The idea that there is a "the one" is crap. He's the same person you broke up with years ago. You'd get over the guilt more easily if you'd stop trying to come up with Socratic questions and then picking and choosing responses that defend your position and instead simply accept what you did without defending yourself at all.
Distant78 Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 ^^^^^ Was wondering why she asked this question, and now I know why.
jennie-jennie Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Make no mistake, there is nothing mysterious going on here. You chose to chase butterflies with the old flame instead of confronting your husband constructively in an honest attempt to develop a stable relationship with him. Your husband was the "love of your life" when you married him and no one could have convinced you otherwise at the time. This old flame is NOT the love of your life. The idea that there is a "the one" is crap. He's the same person you broke up with years ago. You'd get over the guilt more easily if you'd stop trying to come up with Socratic questions and then picking and choosing responses that defend your position and instead simply accept what you did without defending yourself at all. Rekindled love is love that was broken up with no action taken by the participants. When life itself came in between you. This is the kind of love which holds an incredible force if rekindled.
jennie-jennie Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 ^^^^^ Was wondering why she asked this question, and now I know why. No, you don't. I don't think WW's extramarital relationship was one of rekindled love. I believe it is a theoretical question.
jennie-jennie Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 What does it depend on? Depends on whether they have a conscience or not. Those that "fall in love" with another, while in a relationship, have no conscience. The falling in love is out of one's control, but not the action taken after falling in love.
Distant78 Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 No, you don't. I don't think WW's extramarital relationship was one of rekindled love. I believe it is a theoretical question. Can you read my mind? Every case of infidelity is not about some fairy tale of lost love.
jennie-jennie Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Can you read my mind? Every case of infidelity is not about some fairy tale of lost love. Oh, I am sorry if I misunderstood your post. Since you did not quote a post, I thought you were referring to the one before yours which talked about old love. My apologies.
TOWinNYC Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 (edited) Your husband was the "love of your life" when you married him and no one could have convinced you otherwise at the time. While we would all like to think that we "marry the love of our lives" lets face it - MOST people I know who have gotten married did not get married because they were crazy about each other. Did they love each other? Yes. But there were many other factors that went into the consideration such as: they've been together for so long it was the next step, they got tired of the dating scene, they got pregnant, they decided their biological clock was ticking, they decided it was "time" to be married, everybody else was getting married, it would be easier financially, etc. This old flame is NOT the love of your life. The idea that there is a "the one" is crap. He's the same person you broke up with years ago. Just because it hasn't happened to you - how can you say someone's old flame ISN'T the love of their life? Not everybody breaks up because they hated each other or they weren't right for each other or because the relationship crumbled on it's own accord. Sometimes LIFE gets in the way and forces you apart. Those are the situations that cause you to "hold someone in your heart" for all the ensuing years (even while your life moves on) while never expecting them to be back in your life. But you somehow reconnect and it's apparent that the other person has also held you in their heart for all those years..... what are you supposed to do? Could you turn your back and walk away from happiness? I couldn't and neither could my SO. P.S. And the reason we love each other is precisely BECAUSE we're "the same person" we broke up with (not by choice) "years ago". Edited August 22, 2010 by TOWinNYC Added P.S.
Author wheelwright Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 (edited) Make no mistake, there is nothing mysterious going on here. You chose to chase butterflies with the old flame instead of confronting your husband constructively in an honest attempt to develop a stable relationship with him. Your husband was the "love of your life" when you married him and no one could have convinced you otherwise at the time. This old flame is NOT the love of your life. The idea that there is a "the one" is crap. He's the same person you broke up with years ago. You'd get over the guilt more easily if you'd stop trying to come up with Socratic questions and then picking and choosing responses that defend your position and instead simply accept what you did without defending yourself at all. I was away for a few days. I wonder if picking Socratic questions is all that bad? He was after all one of the best philosophers we know. I imagine he would laugh at the disparagement, as this in itself raises a question, though more subtly put. I was talking hyperthetically about the old love. That is not my situation. An old love that harps on in the heart (boring if real) is not that different for a MP getting over an A they have decided to move on from for reasons other than love. Bolded part - well almost an attack? Do I really only listen and reply and respond to the posters who correspond to my views? Since I have been equally accused of being an "either/or person, I'm not so sure. Chasing butterflies? I choke. It was the most painful experience I have ever known making myself realise that the life in my EMA was dead. But I swallowed the hurt, and emerged somewhere eventually. Have I been defending myself? Perhaps. Was I attacked? Oh definately. Edited September 7, 2010 by wheelwright sp
ceppisfield Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 I am a former WH/MM- I thought I loved the OW; but it was just wasted time and emotion. I could have spent that time and emotion making myself a better person for me and my S/O. So glad she gave me another shot. This is my first post, (although I registered here months ago and forgot my info...) so go easy on me. My wife is a member here, but we have promised to not read each others posts. If you are not happily married or at least trying to mend somethig then do something about it. Don't waste his or your time. You are an adult so this comes with the territory. Try to stop dwelling on your ex-lover and be you. I wish you well.
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