I don't have to get over it, I'm not wrong. Betrayed & Getting Divorced

[painter]

i still say he could have wanked in the shower. he didnt have to go and deliberately break his promise to the person who is supposed to be the most important person in his life. there is no justification for that.

if he needed the stimulation of s&m then how did he get a hardon with his wife anyway?

he seems to have a lot of anger towards women, this is not uncommon in a world where women have forgotten that men are human too. i dont blame him for this but he seems to be deliberately humiliating and disregarding his partner in life for the sake of whacking off now and then in a way that upsets her.

if only he could have seen that before he did the damage.

[gotmanna]

I was married for 4 years. During our first 3 months of marriage, I too found out that my husband was viewing and paying for porn on the internet. The stuff he was viewing was not my thing to put it nicely. He racked up $400 a month on porn on his ccard. I called to cancel all of it, and almost divorced him then.... I should have.

 

Now, I found out on July 10th that he is having an affair with an ex girlfriend. Someone who skrewed him over multiple times in their 15 years of on again off again. He started talking her by email 1 year after we married. He was having an affair when I was pregnant, and just told me about it July 10th.

 

I have an 18 month old son, a house under construction and and X husband. It took me 8 weeks to finalize the divorce. Trust me, do it quickly. Looking back I see that he has a sex addiction problem. Like you said, he never wanted sex with me after we married.. also he said the same thing, you are my wife now, I can't do stuff like that anymore. Bull Crap. There was just no thrill to it.

 

Good luck

[Mr Spock]

The Moral of the Story is...

 

MEN-don't EVER promise your wife you are going to give up porn if you enjoy masturbating to it.......otherwise you're setting yourself up to be a liar.

[arcadia]

one common thing in all these porn threads that really annoy me are the people who suggest that you "Watch porn with your husband/boyfriend. Spice up your sex life. Try new things."

 

those people have obviously never dealt with a siginifigant other that relied on porn. It doesn't matter how often you jump on him, strip for him, suggest you watch porn together, they will STILL want to have their alone porn time.

 

-I have suggested watching porn with my boyfriend, but he says it makes him uncomfortable to watch it with me. I had to practically force him to watch it the one time he agreed to it. So no go there.

 

-When i found out my boyfriend was into BDSM porn, i suggested we try it out, even though i had never done anything like that before. But he didn't want to do it with me. That was his own private thing.

 

-I am constantly suggesting new things for us to try. While he may be agreeable to some of it, his porn use still hasnt stopped and he still uses it as a replacement for sex.

 

 

I've said it in other threads and i will say it again now. Some men are able to separate their sex lives and their porn time. Others aren't. Just because you are able to differentiate the two, doesnt mean that these women's husbands can. Porn does in fact affect people's sex lives. Quite often. I love porn. But i don't love it when it means my boyfriend would rather sneak upstairs to watch it while i am at home and then not be in the mood for sex later. Or when he watches his porn when i am at the movies with a friend and then cant get it up when i come back and pounce on him.

 

If at any time porn affects your sex life... it is no longer a harmless activity.

[FolderWife]

If at any time porn affects your sex life... it is no longer a harmless activity

 

Well said.

[jmargel]

If at any time porn affects your sex life... it is no longer a harmless activity

Originally posted by Monday

Well said.

 

No.. That should be re-written.

 

"If at any time porn affects your sex life 'negativily', then it's no longer a harmless activity"

 

Porn is not a black & white issue, there is a gray area involved.

 

When a SO wants to view porn, who is not addicted, uses it as a subsitition all of the time or relies on it to have sex with the SO, then there is nothing wrong with it, IMO.

 

When it does any of those things, then there needs to be measures taken. It's not so much the viewing of the porn, but the treatment the other SO gets from their spouse due to it being viewed.

[arcadia]

well i think it is obvious that i meant it affects it in a negative way.. i didnt really think i needed to clarify that

 

i also did say that it isnt black and white. and that some men are able to view porn in a harmless way. but others cant. i am not one of those girls that hates all porn everywhere and thinks no one should watch it ever.

 

and i agree that it isn't the porn that is the issue. it is the result of his addiction to it. It would be the same if my boyfriend was addicted to video games (like i read in another thread here) and ignored me so he could go play games. I shouldnt have to strip down naked and force him to look at me to get his attention. He should pay attention to me anyways. which was the whole point of my post (people saying things like "Strip for him! make him not want the porn!") cause that just doesnt work with someone who has a problem with porn.

[Calotine]

I agree with the original post 100%. I have always tried to suppress my feelings towards that subject just because a lot of people say it is ok. I felt guilty for even having a different opinion! TY for agreeing on porn = cheating. In fact, because how much this has bothered me throughout my life, relationships, I have actually seeked help from professionals. Cheating is defined as sexually unfaithful, if between a couple, one party believe jerk off with another "REAL GIRL's" pictures is sexually unfaithful, then yes, it is cheating. Those girls have names, they are real people. Some men say that they didn' touch her and she didn't touch him.. what is the big deal. Well, if your bf jerk off in front of a live nakkid girl, but no touching each other.. would that still be ok? Porn has got to a point where you can turn on your puter and boo it is there right in front of your face in the matter of seconds. It is out of hand IMHO. Some people categorize online porn as cyber sex, which is another form of sex. Having some kind of sexual activities with other people beside your significant others... well, that is cheating by me. In my life, a lot of male/female have tried to convinced me that porn is good for the relationship and I should "change" my opinion. Oh well, now I know I am not the only person in this world that feels icky about porn. I am really glad. Really glad. Let's put it this way, I no longer have to hide my feelings/opinions in the closet. LOL.

[evagreten1]

No, you are definately not alone in this! As soon as had the courage to mention the issue to a few of my friends, all of them sighed and immediately knew the whole subject inside out, they'd almost all been through it!

 

The problem is, what do you do about it? The fact that he looks at it means he wants to, obviously. What's the point of telling him he can't if his feelings are like that? I want him to NATURALLY not want to look at it and pay more attention to me, and if it doesn't come naturally, what's the point of me forcing it on him?

[saxysheri]

What do you do when it's the person you're dating who is looking at porn? What do you do when they are 40 years old and every day looking at barely legal porn? What do you do when you've tried to talk to them about their problem, but they just get mad and tell you it's not you, it's them? What do you do when they stop having sex with you, but continue to look at this stuff? What words do you put down on paper in a letter to tell them from the heart that this is tearing you up inside?

[FolderWife]

What do you do when it's the person you're dating who is looking at porn? If it were me, I'd stop dating them, because you don't want to be married to someone with this problem. Once you're married, however, it's a whole other ball game

 

 

What do you do when they are 40 years old and every day looking at barely legal porn? Feel really disgusted.

 

What do you do when you've tried to talk to them about their problem, but they just get mad and tell you it's not you, it's them? It IS them, but that doesn't make it any better! They are getting upset, because they feel like you are accusing them of something, and wanting them to stop doing something that they enjoy....or they think they have a right to do it, and it's not harmful, so why are you nagging.

 

What do you do when they stop having sex with you, but continue to look at this stuff? In my situation, the only solution was to get rid of the computer, cable, and dirty magazines...get rid of any and ALL temptation. MY husband wouldn't have sex with me, so I thought it was just his nature...then I find porn everywhere, and felt devistated, because it wasn't that he didn't want sex...he just didn't want it with me!

 

What words do you put down on paper in a letter to tell them from the heart that this is tearing you up inside? There are no words for this. I cried, and confessed that I wanted to get over it, but I couldn't, and that it tore me up every time, and he promised to never do it again....

 

but he did.

[jmargel]

Originally posted by evagreten1

No, you are definately not alone in this! As soon as had the courage to mention the issue to a few of my friends, all of them sighed and immediately knew the whole subject inside out, they'd almost all been through it!

 

The problem is, what do you do about it? The fact that he looks at it means he wants to, obviously. What's the point of telling him he can't if his feelings are like that? I want him to NATURALLY not want to look at it and pay more attention to me, and if it doesn't come naturally, what's the point of me forcing it on him?

 

Your husband has a serious addiction that needs treatment. Addiction to pornography is the same as addiction to drugs or alcohol; it can be progressive, and eat up huge chunks of a person's life. Very basically, what he is doing is escaping from real world relationships into a fantasy world.

 

Like all illnesses, this addiction needs to be treated immediately. He must be made to understand how sick and damaging it is not only to him, but also to you and your marriage. Most men use pornography as an escape, it's not because they don't desire you.

 

Getting your husband to begin counseling might be hard, so discuss the possibility carefully. Don't make him feel threatened, criticized or as if you feel there is something wrong with him. Instead, be gentle and clear. Let him know he is not alone, that porn addiction is a pattern that escalates, and so many others are going through it too. You can say something like, "Many people are having problems with addiction to porn these days because it is more available. It seems that the more you watch porn, the more you need it and also withdraw from real relationships. It is lonely for me, and disturbing, to see you, my husband, watching other women."

 

Make it seem as though the problem belongs to both of you, not just him. If you offer to go along for counseling, seeking help may not sound threatening to him. Another way to start this conversation is, "Many people are seeking help for porn addiction nowadays. Because of the problems it is creating, I'd like both of us to see a professional counselor to help us." This statement lets him know once again, that the problem is common, it doesn't mean he's "crazy" and that the proper action to take is to seek therapy.

 

If he refuses to go get help, you have to let him know that you don't want a relationship where your self esteem is being hurt and your partner is not available. Be strong. Tell him there are consequences to his decisions. Ask him how he would feel if you watched porn the way he did? If he is still unresponsive, then go for counseling yourself. Get support so that you can take positive steps for you. This addiction can chew up your life together, and your children's. Please take action as soon as you can.

[zara]

What do you do?

Just a suggestion but i hope this brings an evil smile to your faces ladies...

Get yourself a whole load of gay porn, preferably hardcore, page after page of beautiful young men with hard bodies and dicks to match, and leave it where he can see it. Tell him it doesn't mean you love him any less, you just like to use it... and see what his reaction is. Chances are they'll get a taste of what you are feeling. And you never know, some of you might even like the stuff

 

For the record: i hate straight porn. Naked women do zip for me. i am one. i am surrounded by them at work. big deal. but gimme a face full of athletic 18 year old boys and NOW you got my attention!

[Proto]

Originally posted by arcadia

and i agree that it isn't the porn that is the issue. it is the result of his addiction to it.

 

 

What addiction? He looked at porn 5 times IN 20 YEARS OF THE MARRIAGE

 

 

A good lot of you people posting in this thread (anti-porn) have SEVERE control/insecurity issues.

[Proto]

Originally posted by arcadia

and i agree that it isn't the porn that is the issue. it is the result of his addiction to it.

 

 

What addiction? He looked at porn 5 times IN 20 YEARS OF THE MARRIAGE

 

 

A good lot of you people posting in this thread (anti-porn) have SEVERE control/insecurity issues.