Cheaters - weren't you worried about reprisals?

[Spark1111]

So you believe that because someone is/has been a mistress, she/they can not perform an objective survey? Talk about being biased.

 

What does this survey have to do with fear of reprisals????????????

[Spark1111]

If you were married and had an affair, or even were the OM/OW of someone you knew was married - did it bother you at all the possibility of the betrayed spouse taking revenge? I mean it's been known for some of them to injure, harrass, or even kill their SO once they find out about the betrayal.

 

It seems strange to me that people are willing to risk having their genitalis mutilated, getting fired, having their life ruined, or even being murdered by a vengeful ex wife or husband, just for some side action. Cheaters did you consider this and if so what made you decide to take the risk anyway, was the sex that good?

 

Also, did anyone ever suffer a revenge attack from the betrayed spouse?

 

fBS here.

 

I left her alone. I told him to go get her. When he decided he had made this biggest mistake of his life, I wasn't ready to have him back.

 

As he pursued me to reconcile, I again discovered continued contact between them. That made me crazy, so I threw him out again.

 

She was asking him so kindly, so supportively, how our reconciliation was going? (She really wanted him to choose her.)

 

I had every phone numberr, address, bank receipt, cell phone bills, and thought of exposing them to the world, but decided it was not worth my time or effort.

 

Living well is the best revenge. Not my nature at all.

[witabix]

As for physical violence - ha! Any foolhardy BW would only make that mistake once, and she'd better have had good medical aid to cover her injuries, and a very good lawyer to get her bail for unprovoked assault (and to argue mitigation so that she gets a reduced sentence). I know how to look after myself.

 

You would beat her up so bad she needs medical cover, then get her charged with assault?

 

The closest I came to a "revenge attack" was some time after I ended an A (and was working with my fMM) his BW suspected something and tried to make a big issue of it at work. She got fired, and he got warned. When he failed to prevent her from repeating her unacceptable behaviour, he was dismissed too. As a result of their losing their jobs, their visas were withdrawn and they were deported, and they had to go and stay with his mother (who hated her).

 

Will he ever have an affair again I wonder?

 

I know you made no defence of affairs, but that sounds like a truly destructive set of attitudes.

[keane2010]

I read about a survey which said that most men would cheat if they knew they wouldn't get caught.

 

 

So, in summary, and at the most basic level, if the opportunity exists and the potential adulterer expects to get away with it, infidelity is extremely likely when an appropriate and willing partner is found."

 

(King & Hayes: A Guide to Surviving Life as a Mistress)

 

Maybe I'm naive and co-exist in atypical peer groups, but many men I know wouldn't cheat if they could get away with it. I could easily get away with it, but wouldn't want to live with the regrets.

 

That said - recently a casual acquaintance approached me and broached an awkward topic. Her husband was apparently a serial cheater, and she was now looking for ten to twelve muscular men who would be willing to be videotaped having sex with her for revenge. She had seen a picture of me in high school in one of the "guess who?" columns in a work publication where I was dressed in gang attire (I grew up rough, but am now middle of the road boring), so she wondered if I might still be rough and rowdy. I think my red cheeks answered, because I began to stutter.

[lilbunny]

Just an observation on some of the posts, sorry if it is slightly off topic but I just felt a sudden burst of joy to live in a nation where people in general don't have free access to guns. Being shot never, ever enters my consciousness and for that I am eternally grateful. I don't know anyone who owns a gun, has a gun in their home and have never even seen one in real life.

Maybe serious reprisals are of more concern to people where these weapons are easy to access?

[jj33]

I worried about the potential career consequences (with good reason as it turns out but not for the reasons I thought of at the time). I never worried about the W as she knew and didnt care.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

I struggle with understanding what my WW was thinking when she had the A. My morale code would never even allow me to think about betraying my FAMILY (wife or kids) - it has nothing to do with repercussions.

 

She obviously didn't consider our marriage a marriage worth working towards. But what about the kids? Do you consider the damage that will occur to them when the affair is revealed/discovered?

[seren]

The first few hours after disclosure I asked H to leave the house until I rang him to come back because I was afraid of the sheer rage I felt toward him. I remember saying, if you stay here I may kill you, and I am not so sure I didn't mean it. I also remember being in the kitchen and being afraid I would lash out at him. I also felt that if OW was in my sights at that time, I would literally have killed her. Blind rage has no conscience or thought for the consequences. having calmed down, it was a different matter, but I admit to occasionally losing it and taking myself away for a few hours.

 

I am so not a violent person so was and am shocked by the primal feeling I felt then. I agree with Spark, a happy life is the best revenge.

[OWoman]

You would beat her up so bad she needs medical cover, then get her charged with assault?

 

I would act in self-defence, with witnesses. I would have the law, my fitness and my skills on my side, and she would have her age, her physical condition and her emotionality against her. If she's foolhardy enough to take on a fight she can't win, that would be her mistake.

 

Will he ever have an affair again I wonder?

 

Given how recently he hit on someone I know, I'd say that seems likely.

 

Oh please enough with the so called hardness. Unless you are a former special forces soldier and/or a former goverment operative, I highly doubt that what you described would happen. All it takes for the BW to do some damage is with a firearm.

 

I grew up around guns in my home country, and learned to shoot (accurately) at a young age. In this country, not even the police carry guns (and certainly not civilians!) Knives are what people around here use for violent crime, and I've fought off (experienced, young, male) attackers armed with knives back home enough times to feel quite confident around those. It has little to do with being hard, and much to do with being experienced.

[witabix]

I would act in self-defence, with witnesses. I would have the law, my fitness and my skills on my side, and she would have her age, her physical condition and her emotionality against her. If she's foolhardy enough to take on a fight she can't win, that would be her mistake.

 

I can't even begin to understand this morality. This is the wife of the man you are having an affair with right? You don't see that the wife may have some cause to be upset?

 

If you are martially as experienced as you say why on earth would you not simply defend yourself?

 

She is older than you, has some physical condition problem, and as you say is full of emotion, and you strut on here crowing about how she would need medical cover and a lawyer.

 

I would suggest some counseling for your pent up anger, it is clear you unhappy about something in your life.

[OWoman]

I can't even begin to understand this morality. This is the wife of the man you are having an affair with right? You don't see that the wife may have some cause to be upset?

 

If you are martially as experienced as you say why on earth would you not simply defend yourself?

 

She is older than you, has some physical condition problem, and as you say is full of emotion, and you strut on here crowing about how she would need medical cover and a lawyer.

 

I would suggest some counseling for your pent up anger, it is clear you unhappy about something in your life.

 

It was a hypothetical answer to a hypothetical question, to indicate how foolish it would have been for her to attempt a physical attack. I have absolutely no interest in engaging with her, physically or otherwise. Nor has she any interest in engaging with me, or us. If she finds herself in the same place as us (we live in a tiny village) she leaves instantly. There is no bloodshed nor any need for any.

[lilbunny]

The first few hours after disclosure I asked H to leave the house until I rang him to come back because I was afraid of the sheer rage I felt toward him. I remember saying, if you stay here I may kill you, and I am not so sure I didn't mean it. I also remember being in the kitchen and being afraid I would lash out at him. I also felt that if OW was in my sights at that time, I would literally have killed her. Blind rage has no conscience or thought for the consequences. having calmed down, it was a different matter, but I admit to occasionally losing it and taking myself away for a few hours.

 

I think your intial feelings are understandable under the circumstances.

 

I am so not a violent person so was and am shocked by the primal feeling I felt then. I agree with Spark, a happy life is the best revenge.

 

This is the very reason I feel that sense of relief that here people don't have guns in the home and few people have access to them in these moments of crisis. Even the most peaceful of us can act in ways they wouldn't normally.

 

I am glad you have found happiness, seren.

 

It might be a 'reprisal' but it isn't much of a revenge if someone ruins their own life in the process. I'm interested in the posts which subtly condemn those in an A and seem to revel a bit in the idea of the BS reaching for a gun or beating someone up.

 

Negative reprisals and revenge attacks don't seem very constructive or positive for the BS in the long term. I felt rather sad for the couple who had dedicated, I think it was about 5 years plotting these acts of revenge on the fOW. The A was still in many ways ruling their M and it is evident they had not moved on or found happiness together without needing a 'mutual enemy' to hold it together. What a waste of energy they could have been putting into doing things together.

[Dexter Morgan]

cheaters only care when they get caught.

 

orgasm first, worry later.

[keane2010]

Did you accept the offer? Hope not. That's crazy. She should just divorce her husband.

 

I didn't accept the offer. My friends love to pick on me for the situations I find myself in - they say I'm too naive. I felt sorry for a woman a few years ago because her child was screaming while she was loading the car. I began to make silly faces and ultimately helped load the car. She asked if I wanted to take the baby home. I said I didn't think my wife would appreciate that. She said, "I'm talking about my home."

 

Back to topic - Many guys in my type of career don't know alot about divorce laws and would assume that divorce would occur with cheating. We whined for days when our retirement accounts lost thousands of dollars during the downturn. Most of us assume cheating would cost us more. This worries me more than the risk of her pulling out a knife or something.

[Dexter Morgan]

I struggle with understanding what my WW was thinking when she had the A. My morale code would never even allow me to think about betraying my FAMILY (wife or kids) - it has nothing to do with repercussions.

 

She obviously didn't consider our marriage a marriage worth working towards. But what about the kids? Do you consider the damage that will occur to them when the affair is revealed/discovered?

 

if they were concerned about their kids, they'd grow up and quit putting side sex ahead of family.

[Joe Normal]

Just an observation on some of the posts, sorry if it is slightly off topic but I just felt a sudden burst of joy to live in a nation where people in general don't have free access to guns. Being shot never, ever enters my consciousness and for that I am eternally grateful. I don't know anyone who owns a gun, has a gun in their home and have never even seen one in real life.

Maybe serious reprisals are of more concern to people where these weapons are easy to access?

 

Just a couple of comments here. First of all, guns are absolutely not needed for reprisals. At close range a knife is arguably more lethal than a gun, they leave worse wounds and someone with a knife will typically slash and stab many times, whereas most people will just shoot once or maybe twice. So being in a country without guns is NO safer at all. If someone wants to hurt you, and wants to arm themselves, a large kitchen knife is just as lethal as a handgun. Even if not armed, 2 or 3 adult males is enough to kill any single person easily - gouging out eyes, strangulation to death etc.

 

Second, being in a gun-free country means you cannot actually defend yourself against a stronger or more violent opponent, or multiple assailants. Having a gun if someone tries to hurt you actually improves your safety.

 

Third, almost all supposedly "gun free" countries allow ownership of things like shotguns. Even the UK, strictest gun laws in the world, allows 2-shot shotguns. That's enough to kill someone easily.

 

So, the comfort you draw is a false one. Anywhere in the world, if you make someone mad enough, they can take lethal revenge and there is almost nothing you can do about it. Even if you wear body armour, weapons, and are paranoid, someone can still jump you with some accomplices when you are not prepared.

 

The only advantage of few/no guns is it stops someone using one in a moment of anger. But most "revenge" is planned in advance, so it's not that relevant.

[Joe Normal]

It might be a 'reprisal' but it isn't much of a revenge if someone ruins their own life in the process. I'm interested in the posts which subtly condemn those in an A and seem to revel a bit in the idea of the BS reaching for a gun or beating someone up.

 

Negative reprisals and revenge attacks don't seem very constructive or positive for the BS in the long term.

 

True but the thread is not about whether reprisals benefit the person taking revenge. It is about whether people cheating are concerned about them. If a cheater is wounded, killed, fired, has their reputation ruined etc, then it is no comfort to them if the revenge-taker goes to jail - they still suffer a lot for their cheating.

 

These days it is extremely easy to take destructive revenge without breaking the law - just make a page on a blog and publish the full details of the affair, post up compromising photos, voice recordings, emails, then email them to all the cheaters work colleagues, customers, clients, friends, neighbours etc. That doesn't break a single law and will ruin someone's dating life and career for the rest of their life. Imagine trying to get a new job and your future employers google you and see a website with all this stuff on, are they going to interview you or choose one of the other 50 candidates who don't have a load of dirt up online?

[jj33]

Great post Joe. The nonviolent reprisals are the most difficult to track as well. If someone doesnt print a blog but knows your employer or others in your field you can lose out big time depending on the sensibilities of your community or the rules at your company.

[Hazyhead]

Great post Joe. The nonviolent reprisals are the most difficult to track as well. If someone doesnt print a blog but knows your employer or others in your field you can lose out big time depending on the sensibilities of your community or the rules at your company.

 

 

I know this HAS been an issue for you, JJ, showing the AP is at risk of reprisals too. I think it unfortunate and unfair that in your situation you suffer whereas he doesn't.

 

I must admit, I worry occasionally. All the BS needs to know is a little information about your life to exact revenge. I have a public job, one which requires me to have a fairly clean image; I think, fortunately, the BS in my situation wants to just move on and doesn't seem the type.

 

But, you should never take it for granted. Betrayal and vengeance are powerful motivations.

[Distant78]

I must admit, I worry occasionally. All the BS needs to know is a little information about your life to exact revenge. I have a public job, one which requires me to have a fairly clean image; I think, fortunately, the BS in my situation wants to just move on and doesn't seem the type.

 

So that's why you took it for granted? Because you think its less likely it'll happen?

 

But, you should never take it for granted. Betrayal and vengeance are powerful motivations.

 

You should follow your own advice.

[Hazyhead]

So that's why you took it for granted? Because you think its less likely it'll happen?

 

 

 

You should follow your own advice.

 

I don't take it for granted. I thank God everyday that I'm ok. I still have to live my life as happily as I can though. I can't take back the past all I can do is learn from it. How am I not, now, following my own advice?

Edited August 29, 2010 by Hazyhead

[TinaniT]

Courts are biased.

 

Damn affair loving courts and judges.

It's like Roman orgies in those things these days, I tell ya.

Because the acts most surely are equivacable to the eyes of a sane person.

[Distant78]

I don't take it for granted. I thank God everyday that I'm ok. I still have to live my life as happily as I can though. I can't take back the past all I can do is learn from it. How am I not, now, following my own advice?

 

But you did take it for granted. Hope you learned your lesson though.

[Hazyhead]

But you did take it for granted. Hope you learned your lesson though.

 

I absolutely did Distant, that I'm very aware of. Never, ever would again.

[jj33]

It is an issue and the unfortunate thing is that since we dont work for the same company its the tittle tattle that can be a problem. He would never tell others but if they knew it would reflect worse on me than him just because of the double standard that exists in many people's minds as between men and women.