onthebrinkofitall Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Well, had a good day and a bad day yesterday/this morning. I redecorated my bathroom, which made me really happy because it's something I've been wanting to do for a while. I also got a few new things for the kitchen to cheer me up.. and it worked.. for nearly a whole day. My soon-to-be ex husband [is there an abbreviation for that?] came over last night and watched some movies with me. Well, we ended up falling asleep at some point and this morning, he slept in and I had to get up. Well, I noticed his phone sitting on the kitchen table.. and [i know it was wrong and intrusive and a total invasion of privacy] curiousity got the better of me. So I took a peek. Well, last night, when he was also texting with me telling me he was on his way.. he was texting a couple friends at the same time telling them that he didn't feel like coming out tonight and he was just going to go home and call it a night. Well, I got a little angry about the fact that he hadn't said he was coming to my place. So, when he woke up, I told him I had looked through his phone and asked him if he was embarrassed about coming over. He said yes, of course he was. He's the one who left and he didn't want to look foolish for coming over. Plus, his friends are encouraging him to stay away from me because he's told them how miserable he was with me. I guess I don't get it.. if he was so miserable, why does he keep coming around? It's not like I beg him to come over.. it's his idea about half the time. I guess my question is, what would you do in a situation like this? I'm angry with him for not telling his friends the truth and just making things up about why he left.. like he's just looking for some sympathy. And he won't even tell them we're still hanging out. Today after he left, I packed up the rest of his stuff that was left here and let him know he needed to come pick it up a.s.a.p. He lives about 45 minutes away, so not sure how soon that will be. I know I should be going NC but I feel like I don't have the willpower to do that.. how does everyone else do it? I feel used and I'm angry right now but I know that'll pass and in a few days, I'll miss him again. Sorry for the lengthy post and please, please, please.. no comments on going through his phone.. I knew it wasn't right and I know now.. I shouldn't have done it but I did and the damage is done. Any advice would be helpful at the moment.
BiAxident Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 It is hard to give advice without knowing the particulars of your situation. However, as someone who's relationship is on the rocks, if my SO left me, then regretted it and decided to hang out and even spend the night, I would be so elated that I wouldn't care what she told her friends. I'd simply be happy to have her around. As for using NC, it is easy if/when your ex isn't giving you anything other than pain. If this guy said he wasn't interested in you, and he was dating someone else, and wouldn't want to talk to you if he wasn't free to discuss his new love -- believe me, NC becomes pretty easy!
LostInTurn Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 We tend to lean on our friends. When we have troubles, we lean on our friends. I have actually learned who I should tell what and when. Friends can be very judgemental. If you want to be with someone, regardless of the troubles along the way, friends should support no matter what. You would probably support your friends in their decision making. One thing these people who are too afraid need to realize is that this is their life, not their friends life. I think it would be beneficial if you took the liberty of NC. You need some time to think. Taking a few days away isn't going to change the world.
bboy Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Don't judge him too hard about this. By all means he's suffering too and wants his friends to support him. Good friends will do so; and they know also that you are not an idiot or else he is also one for being with you. Leave his privacy private - don't digg o to it or his friends will know that you don't respect it and will become really upset. You need to cool down on the emotion part and behave respectfully. Then it will be even harder for him to reject you and lie to his friends.
Author onthebrinkofitall Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 I understand that friends are supportive.. I guess it's the fact that he lies about our situation that's upsetting me. Makes me wonder what else he lies about. One of these friends is a girl.. and there were several text messages from her. He doesn't want me coming to the town he lives.. he hosts an open mic on Mondays and used to always want me to come. Suddenly he says he feels uncomfortable singing around me, which is BS. I know this girl goes to these and I know he was out with her until 3am the other night.. he told me this, no snooping around for this info. I'm convinced that there's more going on between them but obviously I can't prove it.. and I don't want to go psycho and show up there. Maybe it's just paranoia but I've been cheated on before, many times.. it makes it hard to trust. On a positive note, I haven't sent him a text message in about 13 hours.. sounds bad, I know but it's an accomplishment for me. I always text him before I go to sleep and in the morning but I didn't do either. Open mic was last night and I'm sure this girl was there, she always goes. The not knowing is driving me crazy but I'm trying to stay busy. Thank you all for the advice. It's good to get unbiased outlooks on the situation. Anybody know a cure for nightmares?
Nappeal Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 STBXH - soon to be ex husband, just FYI You are both separated, and he has the right to say whatever he wants to whoever he wants. Is it fair? No, but you 2 are no longer together-whatever he says, be it to men or women, is obviously his own business, whether or not you looked thru his phone. It sounds as if you are holding on while he is trying to let go? Is there any real chance of reconciliation? After my X and I separated (after 8 yrs of marriage), I held on really tight to little hope. Forget about the fact that he had another chick and was open about her w me; forget the fact he made it clear he was no longer interested in reconciliation w me; forget the fact that everything about the situation told me to move the fk on. I was still there, everyday w 'hope', because he sorta fed it to me. He invited me over, did things w me and the kids...things like that. He wasn't sure what he wanted, but ultimately it wasn't me. I just wanted to share that w you because it took me a whole damn year before I finally let go, and it was THE MOST gut and heart wrenching year of my life. I try to persuade people going thru what I went thru to move on if there's no hope...I don't want to see you holding on to a man who sounds like has a foot already out the door. GL hun.
Author onthebrinkofitall Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 STBXH - soon to be ex husband, just FYI You are both separated, and he has the right to say whatever he wants to whoever he wants. Is it fair? No, but you 2 are no longer together-whatever he says, be it to men or women, is obviously his own business, whether or not you looked thru his phone. It sounds as if you are holding on while he is trying to let go? Is there any real chance of reconciliation? After my X and I separated (after 8 yrs of marriage), I held on really tight to little hope. Forget about the fact that he had another chick and was open about her w me; forget the fact he made it clear he was no longer interested in reconciliation w me; forget the fact that everything about the situation told me to move the fk on. I was still there, everyday w 'hope', because he sorta fed it to me. He invited me over, did things w me and the kids...things like that. He wasn't sure what he wanted, but ultimately it wasn't me. I just wanted to share that w you because it took me a whole damn year before I finally let go, and it was THE MOST gut and heart wrenching year of my life. I try to persuade people going thru what I went thru to move on if there's no hope...I don't want to see you holding on to a man who sounds like has a foot already out the door. GL hun. Wow.. sounds like basically the same situation. He comes down and hangs out with me and the kids sometimes. He recently told me he wanted us to hold off on a divorce tho.. before, it was important to him that we get one soon. He's bipolar, which complicates the matter. I dunno.. maybe I am holding onto something that isn't there. He definitely has the right to say what he wants but both of us have agreed not to see other people as long as we are still married. I guess that's what's upsetting me. If he's seeing someone.. he's lying about it to me and we both said we wouldn't do that. Adultery is adultery, even if you're separated.. that's how we view it.. at least one of us still does. Thanks for the abbreviation tip! It's hard to keep up with all of 'em on here!
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