iamenough Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 (edited) I don't even know where to begin. This is really SUCH a long drawn out story. I will try to keep it to the points.... I have been friends with this guy for a total of 12 years now. He attempted to sorta pursue me about 6 years ago but I shot him down for fear I'd get hurt. (turns out I was smarter then) Needless to say I have ALWAYS been attracted to him since the first day I met him and I actually grew to regret saying no to him years ago. Fast forward to new years eve 08/09 -- He showed up at my place with a bottle out of NOWHERE and we decided to chill and drink that bottle. I'm sure you can figure out the rest.... The beginning of our relationship was incredibly rocky. Turned out he thought it best to just remain friends. I was sad, but understood. I wasn't terribly invested in him at that point (not in love) and so I was cool with it. Fast forward 2 months later, when he comes around again (out of the blue) declaring his "intense" feelings for me. He said he got freaked out because we had been friends for so long he didn't want to mess with it, but at the same time, he felt compelled to take me out on a "real date". I agreed. Hell, I've always been crazy about him who am I kidding right, and this might be the best relationship ever considering we're already friends. And I was right. We fell in love hard (or so I thought) we seemed to communicate so well - couldn't stand to be apart more then 2 days at a time. I mean, it really WAS a great relationship.... for awhile. Then he started to take me for granted, just little things like not calling when he said he would or breaking plans with me to do other things. It caused a lot of tension for us and things were kind of off for a couple months. THEN... in May, he f'n cheated on me. on my BIRTHDAY of all freakin days!!! I found out that DAY (worst birthday ever) and called them both out (separately) within hours of each other. She claimed he told her we broke up (and he probably DID tell her that, but we're all on facebook and it clearly stated that he and i were in a relationship with each other, so I am more inclined to believe, she didn't care) -- They both claim no sex happened (though i highly doubt that, he came home with scratch marks down his back) -- anyway... I broke up with him the very next day. During the aftermath he BEGGED for another chance. Really romanticized it and played to my heartbreak by saying things like "you've ruined me... i can't go without you, etc, etc" (wait, I ruined HIM? uhhh..) add to this the fact that this man is an INCREDIBLE liar and salesman, I eventually broke and agreed to attempt a fix at our relationship. I suppose the shock of it all and the intense feeling of loss and missing him got the best of me. That lasted a couple weeks (complete with sex because I'm more stupid then I even imagined) and when he realized he had me, that I still loved and wanted him, he bailed... for HER. I got the old "I can't be in a relationship" song and dance and in that instant I knew he was lying. I called him on it and he swore up and down and did his best sales pitch for how he just really wants and needs to be on his own. Fine. I let him walk, did absolutely nothing to stop him. Put up zero fight. -- We had seriously, lengthy, in DEPTH conversations about truth, even as he was breaking up with me he was making declarations like "at this point iamenough, I just couldn't lie to you because I know it would hurt you more." --- and yet.. he LIED. I sat there and told him "just tell me the truth, it will hurt, but we will be ok if you just tell me the truth" -- I knew he was leaving for her, but he just couldn't bring himself to say it. Then the truth came pouring out via facebook -- she had me blocked then unblocked me randomly one day and uploaded a picture of them kissing. A picture that looks DISTURBINGLY similar to one he and I had up a mere 3 months ago. I am absolutely devestated. I mean, I am 31 years old, I have been heartbroken and cheated on before, so this is not really a new experience. but ... somehow, I have never felt betrayal on this level in my entire life. -- I was doing ok up until I almost literally ran INTO them one day. They didn't see me but I certainly saw them... walking off into the effing sunset. Crushing. I see him out pretty frequently too which really doesn't help. I never stop and talk. -- Anyway, I deleted my facebook, I do not contact him, I keep busy, I do the things I enjoy, I remind myself every day that I'm awesome, but I'm failing. I don't have many friends I can lean on for support and most of my friends are his friends since we've all known each other for over a decade. I just KNOW he is destined to pop up some more... maybe even with her. I've been able to keep my cool for the most part and act as though I am doing well, but I am not doing well. I have no idea what the hell to do from here. I have fantasies of running into them and ripping them both a new one (unhealthy, I know) -- I'm just so friggin frustrated and hurt that they profit from my heartbreak. I want to be on the other side of it so badly but... I'm suddenly back to crying myself to sleep months after the fact.... I don't know what to do to make this any better. Suggestions? Edited August 22, 2010 by iamenough
BiAxident Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 1) Realize that, if he screwed you over like this, and you were friends with him for so long, just imagine what he is going to do to her, eventually. 2) Focus on the fact that, if he screwed you over like this, better that you got it done and overwith "relatively" quick -- you didn't get engaged or spend years of your life with him. 3) Take the advice of his holiness the Dali Lama. If there is something you can do about your problem (poor self-image, lonliness, etc) there is no need to worry. Conversely, if there is nothing you can do about your problem, there is no need to worry. 4) Understand that you may still stand out in the dating pool for men your age (like me) by virtue of the fact that you (apparently?) haven't been married and dont have children. 5) Keep posting in here, and replying to the posts of others.
Lost Fish Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Dear iamenough, Your pain comes through loud and clearly. But beyond it I see a woman who is very smart and very in touch with herself. I know it sucks to have to endure the pain right now, but I assure you it will get better. You will come out of this with a lot of wisdom. First, it is really important that you let yourself fall apart and feel this pain. Don't try to shut it down and fake it - but maybe for 20 minutes or so a day, really let yourself work through the feelings of loss. To do this, just start simple and keep asking yourself "Why?" like a 2 year old would do. An example would be like this: I am so sad and hurt. Why? Because she so easily left me for that stupid guy with the earring. Why? Because she no longer was attracted to me. Why? ...etc... If you keep doing the exercise you may be surprised to see that the depth of your emotion not only has to do with him, but also has to do with how you perceive yourself. A good thing is that you already are starting to see that your ex is a giant douchebag (and I'm sure he may have some redeeming qualities, but his slimy manipulative ways are simply vile). So - really my advice is simple: 1. Ride out the feelings you are experiencing - really let yourself fall apart and FEEL the loss. 2. Keep going forward even when you feel broken inside, because I promise you it will get easier. 3. Use Loveshack! We are all here to help you and a lot of us are going through similar losses. Stay strong. You will be ok. I promise!
Author iamenough Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 1) Realize that, if he screwed you over like this, and you were friends with him for so long, just imagine what he is going to do to her, eventually. 2) Focus on the fact that, if he screwed you over like this, better that you got it done and overwith "relatively" quick -- you didn't get engaged or spend years of your life with him. 3) Take the advice of his holiness the Dali Lama. If there is something you can do about your problem (poor self-image, lonliness, etc) there is no need to worry. Conversely, if there is nothing you can do about your problem, there is no need to worry. 4) Understand that you may still stand out in the dating pool for men your age (like me) by virtue of the fact that you (apparently?) haven't been married and dont have children. 5) Keep posting in here, and replying to the posts of others. 1) I suppose that's true. One can only hope (hah, sorry but karma.. she deserves it for being so disrespectful to my relationship with him at the time) 2) TRUTH. I am actually very thankful I did not end up with him. I had NO IDEA how horrific and self serving he was. I knew he had issues but this is something else. It's still really painful to let go of the life we talked about though. There was a lot I was looking forward to with him specifically and those specific things are gone now. Hurts 3) I will try to keep that advice in mind. If only emotions were logical and could be reasoned with.... 4) I hope so! I can't be "finished" at 31 that would just be............. no. 5) I will, thanks for your thoughtful reply.
Author iamenough Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 Dear iamenough, Your pain comes through loud and clearly. But beyond it I see a woman who is very smart and very in touch with herself. I know it sucks to have to endure the pain right now, but I assure you it will get better. You will come out of this with a lot of wisdom. First, it is really important that you let yourself fall apart and feel this pain. Don't try to shut it down and fake it - but maybe for 20 minutes or so a day, really let yourself work through the feelings of loss. To do this, just start simple and keep asking yourself "Why?" like a 2 year old would do. An example would be like this: I am so sad and hurt. Why? Because she so easily left me for that stupid guy with the earring. Why? Because she no longer was attracted to me. Why? ...etc... If you keep doing the exercise you may be surprised to see that the depth of your emotion not only has to do with him, but also has to do with how you perceive yourself. A good thing is that you already are starting to see that your ex is a giant douchebag (and I'm sure he may have some redeeming qualities, but his slimy manipulative ways are simply vile). So - really my advice is simple: 1. Ride out the feelings you are experiencing - really let yourself fall apart and FEEL the loss. 2. Keep going forward even when you feel broken inside, because I promise you it will get easier. 3. Use Loveshack! We are all here to help you and a lot of us are going through similar losses. Stay strong. You will be ok. I promise! Thanks a lot. That second statement helped a lot. I am certainly in touch with who I am... just losing my way here... thanks for the reminder though. I definitely allow myself to feel it. Never denied myself that at all.... but it's getting soooooooo exhausting. A lot of it does in fact have a lot to do with my own self-image. This is why I remind myself every day that I'm awesome, and I literally say outloud all the reasons why. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. "I promise you it will get easier." I'm holding you to that! hah. Thanks for your reply.
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