kmm111 Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 I was wondering how long the transition has taken for anyone who has started an open, non-discreet relationship with a MM or MW after they have ended their marriage. At what point do you not have to hide your relationship? At what point is it not entitled an "affair" any longer? Is it when the MM or MW is out of the house? Separated? Divorced?
desertIslandCactus Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 If someone breaks up a marriage and then marries that individual, I don't believe there is a happy ending.
BB07 Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 I was wondering how long the transition has taken for anyone who has started an open, non-discreet relationship with a MM or MW after they have ended their marriage. At what point do you not have to hide your relationship? At what point is it not entitled an "affair" any longer? Is it when the MM or MW is out of the house? Separated? Divorced? Regarding how long you feel the need to hide it would depend on the circumstances, such as if there children involved, how volatile the marriage and separation was, who would be hurt, etc.. If the main reason is just MM or MW are covering their own as*, then I would say don't hide it. I would think a lot of things would have to be taken into account depending on the individual situation. Do you want to give us more info? I would say it's definitely no longer an affair when the ink is dry on the legal separation papers or divorce papers preferably.
Author kmm111 Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 Well BB07... MM and I are both going thru the process of ending our marriages. MM is out of the house but still goes over there frequently because his son lives there and helps out around the house, etc. Right now I am sorting out issues with my husband as to what to do with the house we have together. Both our spouses know about the A and know that we have plans to be together. When we talk on the phone and meet up, it's still a secret from our spouses. I'm getting tired of the lies, being interrogated every time I go someplace... But then again, I don't think I can expect things to just happen overnight.
woinlove Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Well BB07... MM and I are both going thru the process of ending our marriages. MM is out of the house but still goes over there frequently because his son lives there and helps out around the house, etc. Right now I am sorting out issues with my husband as to what to do with the house we have together. Both our spouses know about the A and know that we have plans to be together. When we talk on the phone and meet up, it's still a secret from our spouses. I'm getting tired of the lies, being interrogated every time I go someplace... But then again, I don't think I can expect things to just happen overnight. Why is it still a secret from your spouses? Your M is ending in any case, right? Is it because you are worried about the settlement? Most BS say the lies and deceit are the worse part of the A, so the continued lying only makes the situation worse.
lilbunny Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 From a personal point of view I think if they have informed their spouse the marriage is over and moved out before the relationship starts then I don't regard this an affair at all. There is no betrayal or deceit involved. There is no need to keep it a secret at all if the marriage is truly over and divorce is merely a formality. If the MM/MW isn't willing to be straight with their spouse then I would question whether they were hedging their bets a bit and were not 100% it was over.
bestplayer Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Well BB07... MM and I are both going thru the process of ending our marriages. MM is out of the house but still goes over there frequently because his son lives there and helps out around the house, etc. Right now I am sorting out issues with my husband as to what to do with the house we have together. Both our spouses know about the A and know that we have plans to be together. When we talk on the phone and meet up, it's still a secret from our spouses. I'm getting tired of the lies, being interrogated every time I go someplace... But then again, I don't think I can expect things to just happen overnight. I dont think you have any reason to keep it secret when your spouse knows that you dumped him for your MM . Can I ask why do you allow your husband to interrogate every time you go someplace ? I think once the decison is made about ending the marriage , you should even be able to bring your MM home & your spouse shouldn't care . This is better than continue lying for no reason. best of luck
Silly_Girl Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I think the issue here should be one of showing your spouses a little respect and not rubbing their noses in it; as opposed to your contact with MM being a secret. In fact, lying about their being no contact is not showing respect and seems like a waste of energy on everyone's part.
Fieldsofgold Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I was wondering how long the transition has taken for anyone who has started an open, non-discreet relationship with a MM or MW after they have ended their marriage. At what point do you not have to hide your relationship? At what point is it not entitled an "affair" any longer? Is it when the MM or MW is out of the house? Separated? Divorced? I think it is no longer an affair when you are both divorced. I have read on LS quite a few times about AP's moving out and asking for a divorce - then moving back. So I don't think it's over til it's legally over.
Confused4Now Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I think it is no longer an affair when you are both divorced. I have read on LS quite a few times about AP's moving out and asking for a divorce - then moving back. So I don't think it's over til it's legally over.This is my point as well it's not over till it's over...and for me its when both sides have finalized divorce papers. I also agree while going through the D there is no need to rub people's noses in it and I do get there is no reason in hiding it.
Summer Breeze Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 If someone breaks up a marriage and then marries that individual, I don't believe there is a happy ending. You might want to read on. Loads of cases where it happens and my exH (who cheated on me) is one of them, as is an uncle and a very good lifetime friend. You'll find that there are more successful relationships that stem from As than you'd like to imagine. Each that I know of is very happy as well.
Summer Breeze Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 ex MM made all the right moves and noises, but when I told him that I would have full access to him he hesitated. I didn't want to rub anyone's noses in anything, but if I wanted to ring while he was visiting his child then it would be allowed. He didn't need to let on who it was, but there was no reason for his stbxw to be checking his phone so he had no reason not to take my calls (obviously if they weren't frequent and just a means to check up on him). I told him that by keeping me at arms length and not allowing me that access to him he was keeping me as an OW and that he was making sure he had a nice soft place to fall (with w) if we didn't work out. He disagreed and I told him to call me when the D was final. He went home for a few years and the D was final about a year ago. He called and I wished him well and told him it was too little, too late. See ya buddy.
woinlove Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I dont think you have any reason to keep it secret when your spouse knows that you dumped him for your MM . Can I ask why do you allow your husband to interrogate every time you go someplace ? I think once the decison is made about ending the marriage , you should even be able to bring your MM home & your spouse shouldn't care . This is better than continue lying for no reason. I don't agree that the spouse shouldn't care. He may still love her and it can take a while to stop loving. Also, if there are children at home, it would be confusing and hurtful for them. But I agree that the interrogation and lying go hand in hand and honesty is better and more respectful for everyone.
cavedweller Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 kmm111, I think an affair should be kept at a low profile until the divorce is final.. Then you guys are free to do as you please..
Brokenlady Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I think it depends. I don't think it's appropriate to go immediately public after separation. It's unwise for several reasons. However, I think 3 to 6 months to be seen in public together is plenty. I don't think anyone should be meeting the others kids before the divorce is final, or at least a year has passed since separation. It is a hard time to go through, but you'll feel better once you can be seen in public together. And while you're waiting to do the kids introductions, you can meet other adult family members and take other steps that legitimize your relationship. One big word of caution though- do not be suprised if you move a whole lot quicker than your partner. Men tend to move extremely slowly. He may well still be over there doing chores for her a year from now, and by then it's probably going to grate your nerves. So be prepared.
Brokenlady Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I think the issue here should be one of showing your spouses a little respect and not rubbing their noses in it; as opposed to your contact with MM being a secret. In fact, lying about their being no contact is not showing respect and seems like a waste of energy on everyone's part. I second this motion - you should not be lying to your spouses (if they ask). You can either not answer, say it's not their concern since you're divorcing, or tell them the truth, but do NOT ever lie. It gives your spouses hope they may cling to and it's cruel to crush that later on. My xDM did that and it created a world of trouble that always plagued us.
OWoman Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 you will always have to hide your relationship, or parts of it. The stigma of being homewreckers will forever follow you because of your choice to cheat on your spouses. When people start to ask questions about how you met, how long you've been together, etc., are you going to be that willing to let them know that you had an A together and it broke your families apart? Also, its adultery. Forever. The only scriptural reason for remarriage after a divorce is if you are the BS. EPG, I'm guessing by your vehemence and the ignorance of this post that you're a recent BS.... This may well be true within the tiny piece of space that you inhabit, but it is certainly not universally true. In the rest of the world there are a great many happy, successful and embraced Ms that started out as As, whether or not you approve of that fact. My H and I have just had several of his extended family over for the weekend. They all know the background to our R, and there has never been the slightest bit of disapproval from any of them, or anyone else - nothing but warmth and welcoming from family, friends and colleagues. And yes, when we meet new people we're quite open about our history, if people ask - and there's never been anything beyond idle curiosity or good will in their response. I think a great deal has to do with how well it works out - if the fMM and the fOW are happy, if the kids are happy and if people move on with their lives, then those who care for you will be happy for you and welcoming of the partner who makes you happy. If the R is full of difficulty, if the kids have taken it badly or the BS goes around making trouble that gets heeded, then clearly things can be more difficult. But there certainly is no automatic disapproval - we live in a tiny rural village that's a real throwback in time and even here we've had nothing but genuine warmth.
Author kmm111 Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 One big word of caution though- do not be suprised if you move a whole lot quicker than your partner. Men tend to move extremely slowly. He may well still be over there doing chores for her a year from now, and by then it's probably going to grate your nerves. So be prepared. I am feeling this already and it has only been about 6 weeks since he has been out. She has put him through hell so far (which is expected because he cheated yet I think she was a little too extreme) yet he continues to be nice to her and help her out as much as possible. He does have the kids (1 stepson and 1 biological son with her) so I understand that is a factor too. My only concern though - she wants him to come home and is begging him to come back to her so should I be worried that he is giving her false hope? Is this just making things worse in the long run by unabling her to accept the fact that he is really gone?
Brokenlady Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 I am feeling this already and it has only been about 6 weeks since he has been out. She has put him through hell so far (which is expected because he cheated yet I think she was a little too extreme) yet he continues to be nice to her and help her out as much as possible. He does have the kids (1 stepson and 1 biological son with her) so I understand that is a factor too. My only concern though - she wants him to come home and is begging him to come back to her so should I be worried that he is giving her false hope? Is this just making things worse in the long run by unabling her to accept the fact that he is really gone? Kmm, Yes. Yes. Yes. In my scenario, my xDM moved out and a year and a half later (to my knowledge) is still doing her yardwork and other household chores on a regular and consistent basis. He is her first call when she wants anything - a ride to an appt, anything at all. She still fully expects him to come back. It started out with he still slept over at her house once or so a week, and then became more occasional until it stopped, but the house chores persisted. To me, it felt like he was still playing H & W with her. He still studied with the kids at her house instead of taking them to his house. Serious boundary violations. And for what? The woman has done nothing but be abusive physically to him and emotionally to both him and the kids. Yet he still does these things for her because he feels he "should". And he still hid me from his kids after all that time. Now, all that ruined our relationship. He would not cut the cord. I know he won't go back to her, but I wonder if he'll ever really leave. I blame much of his xW's craziness on him, because he gave her false hope (in the beginning he told her he "didn't know" if he'd come back, and forced her hand to file for D. Later, her would just keep acting like her husband that it seemed natural to think theyd get back tgether at some point). Point is - if he really wants out of the M he needs to start acting like it. Still acting like his W's H is going to create a world of hurt and drama for all of you and the kids. I promise you that.
desertIslandCactus Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Also, its adultery. Forever. The only scriptural reason for remarriage after a divorce is if you are the BS. a True statement.
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