Insecurity in an LDR?

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm new to LDR's, been with him 4 months, 500 miles apart, different countries, met up 3 times, meeting again in 2 weeks. I've never felt insecure in a relationship before and he has given me no reason to at all, it is just the distance and the lack of physical affection, the comfort and security and reassurance you get from physical contact. Although we are very affectionate and sexual even when apart.

 

I just find myself wondering why he doesn't phone if we haven't talked that day, for goodness sake it's only a day! I find myself questioning whether he loves me as much as I love him, I don't mean that I ask him that, it's just going on on my head. I'm overthinking way too much.

 

I think about how some of you say you skype each other a lot and yet he doesn't suggest it anymore but at first he was eager to, he does want to talk on the phone most days though and we text and email most days. I think to myself but he can't love me as much as some of you love each other cos some of you even skype each other asleep and he would never suggest that, even though we are very close and loving.

But this phrase keeps coming to mind; "Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have." And he does love me the way I want him to, so what is wrong with me When we're together these doubts etc all go out the window, no insecurity at all, just so much love and affection.

 

I don't want these expectations that I've put on us (I'd hate him to know that) about him phoning, texting, or skyping or talking on msn, I hate it.

I keep questioning it, I feel at times that I can't handle being in an LDR.

 

My ex left me last summer after 20 years because I was so independent, had too much of a life outside of him that he felt neglected, not important. It has left me feeling insecure, 2nd best, (he is now with a friend if mine who I always dreaded him getting together with) I fear my new partner getting bored with me.

 

I gather it is more common to feel insecure in an LDR? My insecurity isn't so much that he'll meet someone else though, he is close with ex still but I trust him, even though they were still sleeping in the same bed for a while after they split (don't want to go into reasons why right now why they did for a while, they are no longer sexual with each other since they split last year), he has several close female friends but I trust him, he's not the cheating type at all, he can be a little bit flirty, but that's all it is, he only wants/needs one partner, ie me, and I do trust him on that. My insecurity seems to be more about does he love me as much as I love him, which is silly cos I know and feel that he does, I would never ever question him about it, ugh!! I have a lot of pride, and there's some things like this I wouldn't want him to know.

I don't want my split last year affect us nor our distance.

 

He also gets insecure at times, plus he was also left after a LTR, it's just I show my insecurity a bit more than he does, he is more closed with his feelings, he doesn't see much of my insecurity or doubts though nor do I want him to.

I feel at times, but not all the time, goes in phases, that I'm putting too much emphasis on this relationship and neglecting some other parts of my life here and there, I don't like being this way, this is partly as I'm often tired from staying up late to talk to him so I end up being too tired for other stuff. It's as if there's so much time apart, which leaves room for overthinking Also I gave a up something in my life which took up a lot of time when things were on the rocks with my ex as an attempt to mend the relationship, so I do have too much time on my hands now sometimes, which I need to change.

 

How do you deal with insecurity in an LDR and how do you keep a balance of all things in your life and not have the relationship as the main focus, ie the looking forward to talking to them (which is fine in itself unless it's mostly what you think about) or worrying if they don't get in touch for a day or two?

 

Ugh, I've never been insecure like this, it must be the combination of being left after a very LTR (in which we were incredibly close and loving) and now being in an LDR. The daft thing is, he is so incredibly sweet and loving and makes me feel so special and a few weeks ago he brought up the subject of the future and how he would want us to live together or nearer to each other in time and it was me who was like, hang on a minute I can't look ahead, also was feeling very cynical about relationships lasting any length of time and not wanting to hear any false promises.

 

Most of the time I am ok with being in an LDR and it's actually giving me time and space to rebuild my life after my break up last year, I did say to him I might need space sometimes so as to keep on rebuilding my life and retain my independence which is very important to me, he is very respectful of that, but silly me I worry if a day goes by and don't hear from him. I worry a lot I need him more that he needs me, I feel stupid saying that cos I know it's not true!

Somebody slap me

[HeavenOrHell]

Forgot to say he's been in an LDR before, so he's used to it, he also spent much longer apart from her at times (a year sometimes, whereas the most we go is 6-8 weeks), it makes me feel he can handle it better, so I think that's where my feeling of wondering if he cares about me as much as I do him comes into it

[CycleOfLove]

Hey. I know exactly how you feel because I feel the exact same way some days. I think its a "women thing" especially in a long distance one, to have doubts, to worry, to question your relationship, to over think and to panic. I do this all the time,sadly. But I believe that this is Just how we are and how are mind work. Some days I would feel so strong and happy and feel in love with my boyfriend and know that noting can stop us,not even this distance.

But then some days, I question myself and my relationship then I panic and worry and question everything and have doubts and wonder if long distance is for me, and I get worried because I don`t want to lose my boyfriend.

I guess that this is how it will always be as long as we are apart. This is why Long distance relationship are hard. Just hang in there you are not alone in this I am sure many other couples feel the same way,especially us women..

be strong! You going to see your SO in 2 weeks, and try to see If when you guys are together if you feel happy,and in love. see if you have any doubts when you are together or if you catch yourself questioning your feelings, if your answer to all those is NO! then your doing perfect and remember the fact that when you guys meet up, all the worries and doubts are gone!

 

Good luck to you!

[pandagirl]

Hey. I know exactly how you feel because I feel the exact same way some days. I think its a "women thing" especially in a long distance one, to have doubts, to worry, to question your relationship, to over think and to panic. I do this all the time,sadly. But I believe that this is Just how we are and how are mind work. Some days I would feel so strong and happy and feel in love with my boyfriend and know that noting can stop us,not even this distance.

 

I usually don't like gender stereotypes, but in general, I find this to be true. I can get like this, and my BF? He's as cool as a cucumber. haha.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks for your replies

I think some men probably do feel insecure but they just hide it better as they're (in general) not as forthcoming with their feelings. On the flip side some women don't feel insecure.

[CycleOfLove]

yeah my bf seems to be calm and cool about it,when I freak and panic xD