Girl obsessed with & stalking my (ex?)bf. Could use some input.

[crowandthebutterfly]

I apologize if this is lengthy, but I'm so incredibly lost and confused at this point, and no one has been able to offer me any advice on what to do.

 

I met Kevin online in January of this year on an mmo. We were friends & played together for a month, before one night we started talking and stayed up all night, and it happened to be the night before Valentine's. The months after that are a blur - we fell hard, we fell fast. We'd talk every day on Skype for hours. We're both 21, but neither of us was working or in college at the time, so we had so much time together. And it was great. Over the course of that time he went through a lot of challenging periods, situations that threatened to tear us apart - and I was there for him, until one day when I guess I became too demanding, he started to pull away. He never really complimented me often, or told me he cared about me often, though he had said it when I asked & was feeling insecure. He's a really shy guy, and has been hurt and burned in the past by girls cheating on him. So I never really even fathomed he could be the sort of guy to be a player, but recent events have me wondering. Getting ahead of myself. Around his birthday in June, we started fighting a lot, he changed. His dog died, and he stopped being sexual & affectionate with me, and I became too demanding of it. We had done a lot of things over Skype, on cam & off, and then it just stopped. He never told me why, except that I made it a 'chore' and wouldn't elaborate.

 

He was very wary to address our problems & issues with me until midway through June, when we had our first serious talk about ending the relationship. I told him the things I need, those things being affection & well, sex. He said he "couldn't guarantee the seriousness of a relationship at that point". Things kept on basically as they were though.. He never really said at that point that we were broken up officially. So I kept being flirty, and kept being affectionate. Then on June 25th, another big talk, and he officially ended it. He opened up to me for the first time. I had never known until that point all that was going on with him IRL. Babysitting a junkie friend, not having a plan for his future, being a stoner, and just, all kinds of things. That he was feeling depressed, overwhelmed by the burdens he's shouldering. He told me at that point that I am "beautiful, an amazing person, and the most supportive person he has ever known." And he told me that as soon as his RL sorted itself out, I would be the first person he talked to. I was heartbroken, and cried for days. I tried being his friend on & off, because he wanted that. I was very indecisive, one minute saying I could be there for him, and the next saying I couldn't, that it was too hard, and I needed time.

 

Over the next few weeks we gradually started talking more and more again. We've opened up to each other so many times now. He's told me things he's never told anyone. I feel I'm still the most important girl in his life that he truly cares about & loves & confides in. We had had plans to meet IRL this summer, but he has said he's not comfortable meeting right now, that he doesn't want what I want. And understandably I guess - after all, he had told me about his friends, what sort of people they are, and I believe he doesn't want me to come there because he can't offer me an environment that isn't tainted by that (he still lives with his parents, but he is going to school now, and has told me I'm a huge reason for that).

 

So we talk every day now, he always asks me to talk on Skype at night, and we do for 2-3 hours. We stopped playing the mmo we had played together, and for a while didn't play anything, just talked. At times he does still act like we're together, and he's let it slip more than once by calling me his "girlfriend". Some times when he's out at a party with friends, he'll usually always tell me where he's going beforehand, and if he mentions any female names he tells me who they are, and additional information. I don't ask him to do this, he just does it. And there has been multiple occasions where I've just missed him and sent him a silly text, and he'll reply with "BE HOME in 20 Min!" That's never what I expect, he just does it.. So he still acts like we're together at times.

I know he is very confused, and I'm afraid he feels unworthy of me right now. Out of nowhere one night he started typing me the lyrics to Shinedown's 'The Crow & The Butterfly', and he gave me the impression that's how he feels about me, even though I know the song isn't about that kind of a relationship. Sometimes I get very frustrated after we say goodnight on Skype, when we used say we loved each other and blew each other a kiss goodnight and don't any more, and I'll either text him or send him an email telling him that I still love him.

 

At first I told him I'd wait for him to sort everything out IRL so that we could be together. He didn't seem too comfortable with that - he told me right out he wanted me to move on if it would make me happy. He is always thinking of what will make me happy, what is best for me. He honestly cannot give me what I need in a relationship right now, even though we have such a good time talking to each other as friends. In his words, he "voided himself from any relationships" right now. At first he would say that if he were in a relationship with anyone, it would be with me, but the last time we talked about it, he very adamantly wanted me to move on & didn't mention that he wanted to be with me romantically at all. It's not like I'm not moving on & it's not like I'm specifically waiting. He is just such an amazing guy & has everything I want.

Or so I thought.

 

Once upon a time he mentioned to me that there was a girl who was obsessed with him, Jacki. I never pursued it at that point, but in June, for his birthday, she added him on Myspace, and left him a very suggestive comment, ending it by saying she loved him. I was too shaken by that. There was Jacki. This gorgeous latina chick, with a Myspace full of at least 100 guys, with comments to & from them, very flirtatious, and a profile full of hundred of pictures of herself. She is a girl very desperate to be in love, very naive as to what love actually means.

 

I tried to let it go. Tried to stop thinking about it. But the suspicion was always there. Then in July, checking her profile, I noticed she had uploaded a photo album. Of my Kevin. Riding motocross.

 

That threw me, for a few days. I was so upset. And confused. Who was this chick? Why does she have a photo album of my (ex)bf?

 

I needed answers. I tried bringing it up to Kevin. Asked him about that stalker he used to have. He said he was "uncomfortable" talking about it. And I didn't want to make him uncomfortable, I wanted to respect his privacy, and I dropped it.

But I did not stop thinking about it.

 

And then late one night I decided to try and read his email. And I did. And I feel horrible, not only because of my betrayal to him, but of what I found. He had a folder, full of emails from her, from 05-07. They were in a "relationship" off and on, online, she cheated on him many times, used other guys to make him jealous. The girl is unstable, toys guys along, collects them like trophies, and makes them jealous of each other. Like pawns. The emails I had sent him were also in this folder, the only recent ones in it. What a huge, tremendous difference between her emails, and mine. I almost felt embarassed for her, and I do feel bad for her, and try to forgive her for being how she is..

 

At the same time, It just made me realize how little I might know about Kevin, even though he has told me about so much including about his ex that cheated on him on Valentine's and broke his heart. Why is he uncomfortable talking to me about Jacki?

 

Then recently, on Aug. 15th, I was having a rough night, and was missing Kevin so much. He had been gone all day & night, no Skype. I have issues with anxiety & depression, and I just wanted to hear him say he cared about me. I ended up sending him texts, accusing him of not giving a damn about me, and my last text said, "Find a girl you actually think is special & important to you. I'm sorry it's not me." I'm not exactly the most perfect person either, and I heavily regret my behavior that night.

 

The next day he didn't say anything to me. I ended up asking him if he was going to talk about it. He said nope. So I started talking about needing to know where I stood with him, what his plans for keeping me in his life are, just what is going on in his head. And he just instantly replied with calling me selfish, that he was in "jail" the night before, and couldn't believe how I was acting. We had a fight, but we resolved it, and opened up to each other again. He wasn't in jail, his friend had been assaulted & the cops were called.

But that night I checked her Myspace. And I found he had left her comments right after I had sent him that text, saying that he missed her too. And that on his trip to Canada that fell through, he had intended on meeting her in person.

 

As soon as I read it - I asked him about her, directly, again. And again, he told me he was "uncomfortable" talking about it. And he wouldn't even tell me why he was uncomfortable.

 

Then I saw the comments she left on his Myspace. Calling him "her Kevin", "missing us", "i dun car what u or any one else thinks, i have always loved you...." and talking about making plans to meet him near him in the next few weeks. (He also has never met her IRL.)

 

Now I may not be completely perfect, and I have my own issues. And I feel guilty as hell for snooping around in his stuff.

 

But I just don't know what to do. I genuinely love this guy & want him to be happy. I just want him to be honest with me & tell me if he wants her, if he still has feelings for this girl. I know I deserve to know that - to know if I've been competing for his heart all along. It's so hurtful, that he's hiding this girl from me, and I don't know why. Is he hiding her, uncomfortable to talk about her, because he still harbors feelings for her? Or is he hiding her, uncomfortable to talk about her, because he cares for me so much that he doesn't want to upset me or drag me into her drama & history of being loca?

 

Rationally, there is no competition from her. I don't mean to sound conceited, but merely confident - this girl has nothing on me. In addition, Kevin has always been my one & only, my one in a million, and I've found every opportunity I could to express this. And to her - it seems he is one OF a million. I don't know if he has feelings for her, if he sees this. And I don't want to ask him about her again, to drive him back into her arms. Then again, maybe he is just keeping her as backup, if I do move on again. I feel she is his easy 'safe zone'. She's desparate to be with him. There is no encouragement or drive or push there from her to become a better person, to go after your dreams in life. Just easy, and safe, comfortable.

 

I am just confused right now. Should I cut ties & run? Or should I trust him, and myself, and give him the benefit of the doubt, and trust that there are things I'm assuming here that I don't know for certain? This isn't something I want to talk to him about right now, as I've given myself a restriction of talking to him about anything relationship, or stress-related, until Oct. 1. He has so much going on, and we're not in a relationship - what right do I have to bring up this stuff?

 

I just can't get over how much I feel violated, tainted, that she referred to him as "her Kevin". "youll always be my Kevin"

 

Apparently he has never mentioned me to her. =/ Though all her messages involved her harassing his ex's after her, too, so maybe he wants to spare me from that? Maybe he's trying to friend zone her, to calm the beast, to try and minimize the threat of her, as he's changed his online identity before to hide from her, and she's sent him messages like "I found u..." But then why would he tell her he was going to message her & meet her if he went on vacation to Canada, a few hours from where she lives?

 

I respect Kevin's decision to not be in a relationship. It breaks my heart that he feels he can't love anyone right now, or give me what I need. I want him to be happy, and I want for him what he wants for himself, even if it means he would ultimately rather be with Jacki. I'm trying to be as patient as possible, and every night when we talk, to provide him with as relaxing & carefree environment as possible. I'm clinging to a saying I heard - "we give our time to that which we love".

 

Should I cut ties & run? Or should I treat her like a joke, as no real threat, and keep being in his life & being happy? Whenever he sends me a screenshot of any game he's playing, and he does often, his only open windows are of Skype & Xfire with me. No other tabs in firefox open, no IM programs. And he hadn't contacted this girl until, I feel, I pushed him to her, and even then, what he said wasn't anything more than friendly for how he is. It's her doing everything, obsessing over him & stalking him, trying to make him jealous with every guy. I just want her to leave him alone, to let him be. Maybe he just likes the attention.

 

He wouldn't talk to me every night if I wasn't his one & only, right? He'd talk to Jacki if he had feelings for her, right? He is an amazingly smart guy, and extremely logical. So logic would tell him not to go back to Jacki ever again, right?

 

Has anyone been through a similar situation like this? Can anyone offer me any advice or words of wisdom? I'm trying my best to focus on bettering myself through all of this, and to not harbor bitterness or resentment for anyone. I just honestly see a future with this guy, or maybe I'm being delusively hopeful. I was always very convinced I never wanted a family or children, until I met him. And he knows he's had this effect on me, because I've told him, and he loved that I told him that. And I know I haven't met him for real, but after spending 4-5 hours a day on average talking to each other for 6 months, I believe I have a good sense of his character, his morals, his values, and his essence as a person, so no, I don't feel like I'm overextending by saying that he's someone I could see having a family with some day.

 

I just don't know for sure though.. Should I wait for our second chance?

 

Thank you so much to anyone, in advance, who actually reads this & replies.

[witabix]

And I know I haven't met him for real, but after spending 4-5 hours a day on average talking to each other for 6 months, I believe I have a good sense of his character, his morals, his values, and his essence as a person, so no, I don't feel like I'm overextending by saying that he's someone I could see having a family with some day.

 

I just don't know for sure though.. Should I wait for our second chance?

 

Thank you so much to anyone, in advance, who actually reads this & replies.

 

You have never met this person? You feel like this about someone you have never met.

 

You need to take a big deep breath, hold it, let it out, and calm down.

 

You have had a lot of contact over the web, you actually know nothing of this person that you can hold up in front of your eyes and say it is real.

 

You are not waiting for a second chance. This does not sound healthy for you, it is not good or necessary to be thinking about having children with someone that exists at the other side of a pc screen.

 

You have deluded yourself into this situation and you need to snap out of it. Quick.

[crowandthebutterfly]

You have never met this person? You feel like this about someone you have never met.

 

You need to take a big deep breath, hold it, let it out, and calm down.

 

You have had a lot of contact over the web, you actually know nothing of this person that you can hold up in front of your eyes and say it is real.

 

You are not waiting for a second chance. This does not sound healthy for you, it is not good or necessary to be thinking about having children with someone that exists at the other side of a pc screen.

 

You have deluded yourself into this situation and you need to snap out of it. Quick.

 

I appreciate your input.

To clarify, it's not like I'm specifically wanting to start a family with him or that it's the reason I'm in his life. That's not something I plan to do for at least another 10 years. I only mentioned the starting a family thing because, limited to online or not, talking to him is so natural, comfortable, and just feels like home, and it's something we have talked about before. In a perfect world where we meet, and things go great, at this point he's the first guy I've met with whom I share the same outlook on that kind of thing. Pardon my big-picture thinking, but ultimately it's what every lady is planning for, right? Why would my relationship with this guy be any different?

I do appreciate your input, though, and perhaps you are right. But unless you have had similar experience of limited online talking to someone for hours mostly every day, for half a year, part of that time being on webcam, then I don't think you can properly judge whether or not my feelings for him are real.

I realize the transition to actual face-to-face contact would be an entirely new process & new relationship, but obviously some things carry over..

 

He's told his friends about me, and I know the names of all his friends. He's shown me their online profiles. We've shared financial transactions via Paypal for different things, he's always including me in & informing me of what is going on in his life. Maybe you're right, and what we have isn't 'real' - yet.

 

I have tried meeting guys IRL, but I never really felt I found my kindred spirit. Perhaps I'm merely limited by my environment and I'm superficial in thinking all males in the rural area I reside in are the same - but from experience, I've yet to find a guy where I live who has all the things I see in Kevin. I know I'm young and we meet people we never thought we'd meet, and never meet others that we thought we would - I'm open to meeting new guys. In the meantime, I am focusing on bettering myself for me, on getting out & about, and following my own goals & dreams, so that either way I'll be fine.

The whole Jacki thing has me wary. However, the more I think about it, the more it seems like he is just protecting me from her.

Like I said, not to discriminate against any advice, as I'm open and appreciate of all input, and I am taking to heart & seriously thinking of what you've said, but I was hoping for some response from others who have been through something similar in an online relationship.

[witabix]

I would not be able to judge if your feelings for him are real if I lived in the same house as you, you feel them so they are real.

 

My point is do not get so caught up in something that only exists on the web. Sure enjoy talking and stuff, and be keen to meet (safely), but hold back on the big love feelings. For your own sake.

 

You are right I have never had a web based relationship. So your point that I probably don't know what it feels like is well made.

 

I have, however, seen people who have come to same conclusions as your self in face to face relationships where they have gone off at the deep end and their feelings are not reciprocated.

 

I think people need to meet in person to any kind of a true picture of another, that does not diminish any feelings you both may share, but wait until you see him in person. He may not turn to be anything like you see him. Non verbal communication/body language is, IMO, an absolute necessity in relationships.

 

He may on the other hand turn out to be even nicer than you see him at the moment. The point is at the moment you just don't know.

 

I am not pouring cold water or anything, I just want you to see it a little more clearly and reasonably. Take care of yourself, and if you do choose to meet up, remember all the good advice that is available about such things.