Bipolar and Herpes. Lovely combo.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Here's the long and the short of it....

 

I have herpes.

I am also bipolar (although it is cyclothymia) a mild form of bipolar disorder.

 

Lately, I have been rejected because of either one of the other. I won't lie about either thing. Lemme explain.

 

I was recently talking to a guy, having "getting to know you," conversation and such. We talked about secrets and he asked me if I had any. So I told him I have herpes. I explained to him all I knew about it and he said, "It's okay, hun, I still want you." Yet after that conversation I heard nothing back from him. Okay, that was one.

 

Last night I went on a date with a guy my friend set me up with. We had a good time. He came back to my place and used my restroom. On my counter is my medication. He came back to me and asked what I take the medication for. As I wasn't going to lie, I told him I am bipolar. He got quiet on me and told me it spooked him. I explained to him that I have it under control, I don't have the manic episodes but have had the depressive episodes. I normally wouldn't have divulged something like that to him so soon but he SAW the meds and I didn't know what else to say. Turns out he had an ex who was severely bipolar (which is not me.) Furthermore he told me that he worried about having kids with someone who is bipolar and that he "didn't need the headache of dealing with someone with depression issues.) Okay I guess that's his opinion but at the same time to lump all bipolar people into one category and to infer I wouldn't make a good mom because of it is kinda messed up to me. But anyhow, he told me he didn't know if he wanted to take me out again because of it and that he "needed to think" and it was a "big red flag." I guess I understand his concern but still...it's disappointing. Yet, he knew about the herpes and is fine with it. I don't get it.

 

What the hell do I do? I try to accept that I cannot control my brain chemistry but I do help myself by getting medication and going to therapy. (he didn't know about the therapy part.) I eat well and try to be positive. I try to accept that there's parts of me that won't change and that I cannot help. I can't give herpes back to the person who gave it to me and I cannot change my brain although I can fight the good fight which I do everyday.

 

I just feel like crap.

[lilbunny]

I really feel for you. I know this must be disappointing. There is still a lot of stigma and ignorance about mental health issues. It seems this guy has made a lot of judgements already. It is to a large extent still a subject that is not widely discussed and I would have understood if he had asked lots of questions and wanted to know more. The way you describe his reaction I wouldn't wait around for him to think and give him the 'big red flag' first.

 

He has no idea what sort of mother you would make and it sounds like he is assuming you will want to start a family with him after a single date, arrogant or what! Qualities like understanding and tolerance are generally valued in a father, you could have turned around and asked him what sort of a parent that suggests he would make if it came down to it.

 

Neither of these things are your fault and yet he singled one out. Thankfully not everyone is of that opinion and hanging on for the right person will be far more rewarding than being stuck with the wrong one! Keep fighting that fight, you should be so proud of how well you are doing and not lose any sleep over this guy.

[carhill]

OP, kudos for your openness. The challenge is meeting a man who *accepts* you as you are, as it is for all of us. The good news is your mature manner of handling your life challenges spills over into other aspects of your personality and this will be attractive to a wide range of men; quality men with whom you can have a relationship.

 

In the future, I would suggest keeping your meds in the cabinet if there is even a small chance of a date ending up back at your place. There is a time and a place for everything and a first date likely isn't the best timing. The important 'why' IMO is because he doesn't know you well enough to process that information in a healthy way. He doesn't have experience with you over time; time and experience which he can then compare to the words of disclosure to form a healthy conclusion.

 

By disclosing all early, you avoid the pain of investment prior to rejection, if rejection is the path. Why not experiment with a different method, take a bit more of a risk with an otherwise compatible man, and see where it goes? No one is perfect, including the men you date. I'm sure they'll be disclosing plenty, over time. Best wishes

[Crazy Magnet]

That is indeed a difficult situation that you have to deal with, but everyone has skeletons in the closet, even the men who pull the disappearing act. This particular man isn't perfect either (and a bit nuts to start talking about your ability to be a good mom after one date. Seriously!?!)

 

It must be very hard not to let it get to you but you seem to handle it in a great and positive, not to mention very mature, way. Like Carhill I suggest keeping some of the cats in the bag until a little longer into the getting to know each other phase and keeping the meds in a drawer when company comes over.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Thank you everyone for your advice. Yah, I should keep the meds locked up but I didn't even think about it. Bipolar is part of who I am and so I didn't think about it really. Yah, we were talking and he mentioned he didn't think someone with bipolar should be around kids, wouldn't be good around them because of depression/mania issues. Now to an extent I agree ONLY if someone isn't getting the help they need. I have finally found a combonation of meds that work for me and feel pretty stable most of the time. I avoid triggers that set me off and as such I find it insulting that this person would lump me in with all people with BPD. We're labeled as crazy and while I understand the stigma, not everyone has the same experience with it. For years I knew something was different about me and as such over the years I got the help that I needed. Ideally I would like to wait to disclose information like my BPD but crap, in that situation I felt honesty was the best policy ya know? It seems to me he has his own issues as it is as he cited that he had an ex with the same problem. It is not fair to me to lump me in with everyone. It would be like because I had a boyfriend who cheated on me that I would think ALL men will cheat and put it on the next guy. While this is disappointing....life goes on.

[carhill]

Bipolar is part of who I am and so I didn't think about it really.

 

That's a great perspective.

 

Remember those old adages about people who root through other people's medicine cabinets? What it says about them? Well, for a lot of people, though not all, leaving rx meds on the sink is like blowing up a car on the side of the freeway. People stop, blocking traffic, and look; they can't help it. It's not right IMO, but they do it anyway.

 

If he hadn't seen the meds, would you have told him about your BPD that night? It sounds like 'no'. I think that's healthy. So, match actions with words. Don't let the car blow up

 

His comment about kids and BPD is a clear indicator he has no real understanding of the disease and its numerous variants and their impacts. That's OK. He's not a doctor This, again, is a really good reason to wait; wait until there is some investment of interest and emotion and then *education* can foster *understanding* and *empathy* rather than what you experienced. That's a risk, sure. It sounds like you've become fairly comfortable with taking risks and have a healthy perspective on them.

 

Like you said, life goes on. Yup, wonderous, isn't it? It's all too brief. Plenty of young men to meet

[Loquacious Miss L.]

You know I have to say you've responded to my posts before and I really appreciate your perspective, you sound very wise! I thank you. Anyhow, no I wouldn't have told him about it from the get go, I really don't think it's anyone's business until later down the road. I know he's not a doctor but he didn't even attempt to understand it he just labeled me out the gate. I would agree a healthier situation would have been to wait until we knew each other better but as things are I'm not sure that's going to happen. I will keep plugging away however, it's what I do. Thanks again.

[sweetjasmine]

Remember those old adages about people who root through other people's medicine cabinets? What it says about them? Well, for a lot of people, though not all, leaving rx meds on the sink is like blowing up a car on the side of the freeway. People stop, blocking traffic, and look; they can't help it. It's not right IMO, but they do it anyway.

 

It's understandable that someone might look at the labels and read them, but what I don't get is then directly asking her what the medication is for. That seems rather nosy, rude, and odd to me.

 

Anyway, you give excellent advice, as always.

[carhill]

That seems rather nosy, rude, and odd to me.

 

Yes, I agree. One way to look at it is that the guy gave her really good information about his perspective, all on one subject and in one relatively brief encounter. I've learned, through harsh experience, to accept that information, in this case, as his truth. That's who he is, or at least a significant component of who he is, since first date behavior is generally one's best foot forward. Gifts come in all forms

[hydorclops]

...he didn't think someone with bipolar should be around kids, wouldn't be good around them because of depression/mania issues.

That borders on superstitious reasoning. It's OK to be ignorant and afraid, but to use fear and lack of information to come up with ideas and opinions is pretty bad.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Maybe it is his truth, but I find myself really irritated that he insinuated that I wouldn't be a good mom because of this. The friend who set us up asked him how our date went and he said he "didn't think he could date me because the bipolar terrrifies him." My friend went on to say that she knows that I have this under control and that I'm a good person (which I already knew.) He had no response to her text message. He's uneducated on the subject which, really, if he knew about it he would know that there's all kinds of variations. But I suppose if you're not exposed to it you wouldn't want to know about it. The irony about me not being around kids and that comment is that I'm a teacher. And they don't know the difference.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

So he said he just wants to be friends. Ha.

[guy.lepage]

Aren't we all bipolar to some extent?

 

Personally, this is information I would keep for my very close friends and possibly someone who could potentially become my boyfriend. I would not discuss this with some guy I'm on a first date with.

 

If a guy truly likes you, he won't back off because you're bipolar. But it does take a special kind of guy for this kind of challenge.

 

I've dated women with bipolar disorder. I did not hold my feelings back because I was truly in love. Was it difficult? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Good point. Usually this is information I share later but as my meds were out on my counter I wasn't going to lie to him about it. It seriously is almost unnoticeable to myself and others that I have it at all because I work really hard at being as healthy as possible. I appreciate your input though.

[zengirl]

You sound like you have the best possible attitude about it in the day-to-day. Both would be "dealbreakers" to many people, but I think you'll find someone to accept you as you are, flaws and all. We all have our flaws. I think you're right not to lie.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

I really try. If people are educated about both then the stigmas attached to them wouldn't be so bad in my opinion. I can't lie. Thanks:)

[finder]

I really admire you're forthrightness. I think it's a wonderful trait. I, myself, am bipolar. I don't usually share that information right away. IMO, there's no reason to do so. Once I got to know someone better, they would not form such a quick opinion because they already knew what I was like on a day to day basis.

But, like you, if someone asked me directly I would tell the truth. It's a shame that you were put in a situation like that, but it's telling about him. If he's really willing to form an opinion like that about you so immediately. At least he was honest. Like you .

I'm sorry about the herpes thing. Its a huge shame and, honestly, I feel that you are right for disclosing that information to dates early on. The bipolar thing is probably not a deal breaker for most people once they get to know you. However, there is no point in taking the risk in getting close to someone when, for some people, herpes is an immediate deal breaker no matter how much they may like you (incredibly unfortunately). But that reflects on neither you or your date, because it just is what it is. And again, it's a shame and I'm sorry.

I appreciate your outlook on the who situation. I know it must be hard, but keep looking up.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Ya, you know I really don't share the bipolar bit early on either....however the situation was really weird and awkward and I felt forced to tell the truth. Yes it is telling about him. These things are what they are and there's nothing I can really do to change them. Just gotta keep trooping on.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Everything happens for a reason. I appreciate all the advice.

[newdawn]

There will always be issues in life, nobody is perfect. So I applaud your honesty, and your practical way of looking at things.

 

Maybe you were spared someone who is not as flexible in their outlook. If he has not experienced it already, this guy will have his own personal challenges to deal with. Sounds like stereotypical thinking on his part, not real processing going on. Inexperience allows one to be very judgmental of others.

 

I think your conditions are a great screening tool to find partners that have some maturity, humility, and grace.

 

Keep going hon, he's out there. This just wasn't the one.

[carhill]

OP, with the next guy you meet, try having three dates in public (pick ups/drop offs only; no inviting in) before considering broaching the subjects of your health conditions. This presumes the men you date are essentially strangers and not acquaintances.

 

This might grate against your desire to be totally honest and upfront but just try it. Overall, keep things light and topical. Plenty of time for all that deep stuff. I say that as someone with a bad habit of 'deep', which tends to scare a lot of women away. So, accepting that, I try something different.

 

Seeing you're in SoCal, yikes that's a tough crowd IME. Stbx is from OC. Best wishes

[Loquacious Miss L.]

You're right, I don't think he was flexible and was stereotyping all people with the conditions. I don't think it was really fair but I suppose his honesty was good. I texted him last night and said, "If it's easier for you to walk from this, I can make the choice for you." He had said that he would "think about it," and get back to me about it. I didn't really want to wait for his decision, I decided to make it for him. I will try something different next time I go out. I don't think the BPD is someone's business for awhile anyway. As for the other condition, I divulge that if there's going to be a chance for intimacy. Still a bummer but as I have said it's better for me to be upfront in some ways. Thanks everyone.

[pandagirl]

You're right, I don't think he was flexible and was stereotyping all people with the conditions. I don't think it was really fair but I suppose his honesty was good. I texted him last night and said, "If it's easier for you to walk from this, I can make the choice for you." He had said that he would "think about it," and get back to me about it. I didn't really want to wait for his decision, I decided to make it for him. I will try something different next time I go out. I don't think the BPD is someone's business for awhile anyway. As for the other condition, I divulge that if there's going to be a chance for intimacy. Still a bummer but as I have said it's better for me to be upfront in some ways. Thanks everyone.

 

It's a bummer, but BPD is like any other chronic disease that you have to treat. A diabetic has to take insulin or else they'll die. And really, it shows that you are an emotionally mature person to treat your disorder -- many don't.

 

Don't worry, the right guy is going to come along.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Thanks pandagirl. It's been a long road but I can do it:)

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Can someone tell me why this hurts so bad?