legitimate concerns

[SlevinKalebra]

Note I use parenthesis, probably too much, so I underlined and italicised those places to make it more legible. Not to underscore anything

 

Synopsis of my background: separated for a month father of two, both from separate mothers. Both mothers are disasters at opposite ends of the spectrum. Son's mother over protective and smothering (son has mild cp she treats him like an invalid actually handicapping him more) This I can help to counter. The mother of my daughter, well, in here lies my concern. Right now all is going very well. We are trying to remain amicable which is very difficult times, like whenever we communicate. But that house is a powder keg waitng to blow. She has already brought her second husband back into the lives of her two kids and ultimately, to a lesser degree, my daughter. The guy is an ex drug dealer, bi-polar, con man, gets violent when drunk, and has a rap sheet a mile long. Law says I can't do anything till she is physically in danger.

Next and foremost on my mind of concerns, her oldest son. He has ODD (obsesive compliant disorder), conduct disorder (precusor to sociopathy), ADHD (what kid doesnot anymore, but combined with the other two= TNT), and most alarming no sense of boundaries. While married and living with them I came across his journal which read (ver batim) "And I will never ever innapropriately touch my baby sister again." I was always supervigilant around my daughter trying to protect her from him and this was also a reason that I stayed, (it kills me that I am not there to watch out for her now). He was constantly pushing the limits with both of my kids. Staring at her very creepy while stroking her arm, encouraging her to play innapropriately then saying "I can't help it. She's just playing, it's not my fault." etc etc etc. Then doing stuff like tripping my son, who has enough problems walking, and other things (which my stbxw claims all kids do and I needed to stop babying him).

Well my son is obviously safe but my daughter is still in that environment. Which will only get worse when her first husband and father of her first daughter gets out of jail. I realize that I am in a very bad head space right now and do not want to act rashly. My daughter needs her mother who does love her very much and I do not want to take that away from either of them. But this is so incredibly unhealthy for her to be in that home.

Do I take her to court for custody? Do I try to calmly discuss this with the stbxw? (Not realistic, Like having a calm discussion with an angry grizzly, especially when she gets me going)

[onthebrinkofitall]

You need to go to the police and let them know if you think any type of sexual abuse is going on, immediately! I would file papers for custody the same day, then get your daughter to a counselor as soon as possible, that way if anything is going on, she can try to cope with it. Plus, when things go to court, that counselor will have to submit those papers IF there is any inappropriate touching going on. This is so serious.. please go immediately, for your daughter's sake.

[Clep]

This is a very serious situation. I would file court papers immediately. I would also get your daughter to a psychologist office.

 

Is there any way you can get your hands on that diary?

[turnera]

Definitely take the legal AND police route.

[SlevinKalebra]

Yeah, I know this is a serious situation. I did not want to go into all the details as I am sick of my own drama (there was a lot in the post but that is just the tip of the iceberg) but it would help to set the situation.

 

First yes I have a scanned copy of the journal. Bad thing is I talked to a friend who is with Denver PD and he said that unfortunately the journal carries little weight. Because he could easily say he was just writing a story. But the fact that there has been a lot of therapists who know of his issues will definitely help corroborate everything.

 

The other issue is social services. Her kids hated me so veheomently they claimed I was abusing them. After a while it came out that they were coached what to say by their father (the one that is in jail now, for child abuse ironically enough). In all my experiences Social services is inept and honestly more a trouble than they ever resolve. My guess is her kid would end up back in counseling (been in and out since he was 5). As far as counseling for my daughter she is only two.

 

Taking this up at court would definitely bring about an insane response from my stbxw. I am exhausted from all the other crap I've been put through and I worry it would not lead anywhere positive for my daughter. I won't back down because I'm worn out but if it only makes everything worse.... I was thinking of trying to get an agreement of 5 days with me and 2 with her. That way I know she will be there to watch my daughter and keep things from happening. Although that was one of the main fights we had over and over, she was constantly letting the two of them play together without enough (for me) supervision.

 

Oh and I mis-typed one of his diagnosis I had written ODD obsessive compliant disorder. I meant defiant.

[Clep]

Yeah, I know this is a serious situation. I did not want to go into all the details as I am sick of my own drama (there was a lot in the post but that is just the tip of the iceberg) but it would help to set the situation.

 

First yes I have a scanned copy of the journal. Bad thing is I talked to a friend who is with Denver PD and he said that unfortunately the journal carries little weight. Because he could easily say he was just writing a story. But the fact that there has been a lot of therapists who know of his issues will definitely help corroborate everything.

 

The other issue is social services. Her kids hated me so veheomently they claimed I was abusing them. After a while it came out that they were coached what to say by their father (the one that is in jail now, for child abuse ironically enough). In all my experiences Social services is inept and honestly more a trouble than they ever resolve. My guess is her kid would end up back in counseling (been in and out since he was 5). As far as counseling for my daughter she is only two.

 

Taking this up at court would definitely bring about an insane response from my stbxw. I am exhausted from all the other crap I've been put through and I worry it would not lead anywhere positive for my daughter. I won't back down because I'm worn out but if it only makes everything worse.... I was thinking of trying to get an agreement of 5 days with me and 2 with her. That way I know she will be there to watch my daughter and keep things from happening. Although that was one of the main fights we had over and over, she was constantly letting the two of them play together without enough (for me) supervision.

 

Oh and I mis-typed one of his diagnosis I had written ODD obsessive compliant disorder. I meant defiant.

 

I know in my area there are court psychologists that can speak to the child on behalf of the court. They interview all parties involved and aid in making a sound decision. If you have something like that in your area it might be an idea.

 

Yes social services can be quite inept so I see your frustration there. Child psychologists can see even as young as two years old where issues can be. In my area though both parents have to sign for a psychologist to see the child or one parent has to have all rights to the child.

 

Since it came out the kids were coached that looks good for you I am thinking.

 

Do you trust her to watch your daughter at all?

[SlevinKalebra]

"Do you trust her to watch your daughter at all?"

 

Sort of, and this is where I am really stuck. Her son is... disturbed, for lack of a better term. But he is her son and how can she see at all objectively? She would claim to be monitoring the situation but I cannot even count the times that I would come home and she'd be getting dinner ready and my daughter and him were in another room not at all being monitored. A few times I even caught him guiding her to crawl on him inappropriately. They were both dressed but he would be guiding her towards his crotch and making comments like "that tickles"

But she is my stbxw's daughter and I know she loves her more than anything, I really don't want to hurt them. I keep thinking to myself "is it just paranoia?" The damage that could follow is tremendous. Then again the damage of innaction is even worse:(

The person assigned to speak for the child is the Gaurdian ad lidam. THESE ARE THE MOST WORTHLESS PEOPLE IN THE SYSTEM. They visit once if you are lucky before the hearing and spout of a lot of by the text book nonsense then say what the child wants. And seriously how often do children know what is best for themselves?

SO here's what I came up with. I made an appointment with a psychologist for myself. I will divulge all of this and by law cases of abuse or if someone is in immenant danger client confidentiality. So if they see this as an issue, they, not me would be reporting it.

[Eve]

The system by and large fails because it is based on a premise that it is there to respond. So, I would take the child during visitation, call the Police and Social Care and let the ex sort out the response. Obviously seek legal advice before listening to me!!

 

The disorder you speak of that the boy has been diagnosed with, I know it as 'Oppositional Defiance Disorder' and it can develop into a 'Conduct Disorder' as the child grows. It is on the Autistic Spectrum and so often runs alongside ADHD. In adult life these children are said to be at greater risk of developing 'Personality Disorders'. Laugh at me if you wish but personally, I think it it all part and parcel of some government social experiment with immunisations. I can think of no other way we have suddenly become OVER RUN with so many children with the disorder across so many socio-economic settings.. so you are NOT alone in all this.

 

So saying, the family dynamics that you have mentioned on the part of the ex is utterly unacceptable. Educate yourself and act.

 

All the best with things,

Take care,

Eve xx