NC in a mixed signal situation caused me a whole lot of trouble!!

August 22, 2010

"She just posted abt love and missing me... by last week, i was so sure of myself that i sent her flowers and chocolates... i didn't have a note with that, but later that night i sent her an email. I just blew that all up by proceeding to leave her alone for one whole week without contact. When i got back, she promptly blocked me, and wouldn't take my call."

Flowers and chocolates?????Have you even READ these forums?

You told her goodbye. Then sent her flowers and chocolates. THEN sent her a love email and THEN you blame her blocking you on you doing NC for a week?? HAve you ever thought that you have just completely smothered her, done the EXACT OPPOSITE of what it tells you on here. And you blame it all on NC. Because that tells your brain that you can still pursue her, but get it right this time. WTF else did you need to do after doing that?? You ****ed up by smothering her, AGAIN. And she was creeped out. So when you contacted her a week later she did not want anything to do with you because she knows where it is going. You confessing your unwanted feelings, AGAIN

And that is why your gesture of being her "Friend Forever" is unwanted.

Who wants a friend who stalks them, sends them flowers, tells them they are in love with them and generally hangs around being creepy when the other person is not interested.

You dont want to be her friend, you want to be her lover

You dont want to say goodbye forever because when you dont get what you want you send her flowers and chocolates, which is the ULTIMATE NO for getting any girl back. It makes you look like a complete creepAnd when that hasnt worked you come on here asking for new ways to pursue her. THERE ISNT ONE

MOVE ON

Edited August 22, 2010 by Fruitpunch

August 22, 2010

again, this is the results of NC being used in correctly. NC is to move on with yourblife only. its not for anything else.

I know u are not ready to let go. you are still trying to work this out. Kill MSN. I'm telling you. go with what she tells you only.

msn is not your friend but your enemy. let her SAY what she wants and then let that be it.

you can't always fix a situation unfortunately. sometimes the best way is to move along. I lived this so I know.

good luck cause u are in a pickle for real now. I just hope you get the answer you need soon so you can get out of limbo. you are hurting yourself so bad living like this. it needs to end and no man or woman is worth this type of torture. this is sad.

good luck

August 22, 2010

"She just posted abt love and missing me... by last week, i was so sure of myself that i sent her flowers and chocolates... i didn't have a note with that, but later that night i sent her an email. I just blew that all up by proceeding to leave her alone for one whole week without contact. When i got back, she promptly blocked me, and wouldn't take my call."

Flowers and chocolates?????Have you even READ these forums?
You told her goodbye. Then sent her flowers and chocolates. THEN sent her a love email and THEN you blame her blocking you on you doing NC for a week?? HAve you ever thought that you have just completely smothered her, done the EXACT OPPOSITE of what it tells you on here. And you blame it all on NC. Because that tells your brain that you can still pursue her, but get it right this time. WTF else did you need to do after doing that?? You ****ed up by smothering her, AGAIN. And she was creeped out. So when you contacted her a week later she did not want anything to do with you because she knows where it is going. You confessing your unwanted feelings, AGAIN

And that is why your gesture of being her "Friend Forever" is unwanted.
Who wants a friend who stalks them, sends them flowers, tells them they are in love with them and generally hangs around being creepy when the other person is not interested.
You dont want to be her friend, you want to be her lover
You dont want to say goodbye forever because when you dont get what you want you send her flowers and chocolates, which is the ULTIMATE NO for getting any girl back. It makes you look like a complete creepAnd when that hasnt worked you come on here asking for new ways to pursue her. THERE ISNT ONE
MOVE ON

Sorry dude, i was unable to read past your first sentence. I am too weary of trying to correct all the errors. But of the little bit that i caught, you claimed i said goodbye. I DID NOT. WTF is wrong with you?? Go to grammar school if u have comprehension problems. I am not going to waste my time reading the rest of ur post. obviously you have nothing better to do with your time. sorry can't dance with you. but do feel free to make a jackass of urself. its free.

August 22, 2010

You know what, just carry on.

Carry on stalking a girl that you have never ****ed or been on a proper date with and never will.

When people give you advice as they have done, and spent a lot of time doing, just ignore it.

Its obvious from your behavior how she feels and what has happeed here.

Someone tells you something, you dont listen, you will never listen.

She will end up taking a restraining order and you will be on here telling people that you know this isnt what she wants, and if you can just see her once more.

So enjoy your misery, you deserve it.

August 22, 2010

again, this is the results of NC being used in correctly. NC is to move on with yourblife only. its not for anything else.

I know u are not ready to let go. you are still trying to work this out. Kill MSN. I'm telling you. go with what she tells you only.

msn is not your friend but your enemy. let her SAY what she wants and then let that be it.

you can't always fix a situation unfortunately. sometimes the best way is to move along. I lived this so I know.

good luck cause u are in a pickle for real now. I just hope you get the answer you need soon so you can get out of limbo. you are hurting yourself so bad living like this. it needs to end and no man or woman is worth this type of torture. this is sad.

good luck

Here you go. Here is exactly what i have told you for 2 days now.

Please feel free to find a hole in this that tells you that you again need to contact her to make things right.

OR MOVE THE **** ON!!!!

August 22, 2010

again, this is the results of NC being used in correctly. NC is to move on with yourblife only. its not for anything else.

I know u are not ready to let go. you are still trying to work this out. Kill MSN. I'm telling you. go with what she tells you only.

msn is not your friend but your enemy. let her SAY what she wants and then let that be it.

you can't always fix a situation unfortunately. sometimes the best way is to move along. I lived this so I know.

good luck cause u are in a pickle for real now. I just hope you get the answer you need soon so you can get out of limbo. you are hurting yourself so bad living like this. it needs to end and no man or woman is worth this type of torture. this is sad.

good luck

i already said that i had no idea there was something called NC b4 i found tis forum. i was just doing what i was doing. I was not following some sort of guide. I sorta scanned thru what fruitpunch seemed to be trying to say, but of the bit and pieces that caught my eyes, he seemed fixated with some sort of rules on what to do and what not to. And he seems unable to let that go, that i violated these sacrosanct rules that i knew nothing about. For whatever the F*** reason, it's as if i did him a personal insult for not being aware of THE COMMANDMENTS OF NC. Wonder if he had a hand in its OFFICIAL CONSTITUTION.

I will work it out one way or another. Thanks anyway. Dunt worry abt me suffering. There are real people dying of sickness, famine and disaster who are suffering. I consider myself lucky i get to feel the gamut of emotions available to a human. Think abt them when u think abt sadness. but thanks again for the time, appreciate it.

August 22, 2010

You feel your situation is different to the typical dumper/dumpee situation? Ok for arguments sake say you are right and she is confused, hurt, angry etc. I do feel you need to do nc and try and move on because you are in a horrible situation. I know you dont want to hear this. If it does help you think of it like this (even though i still don't think its a healthy reason for doing it). You know that you are going in circles and getting nowhere. Go in with the mentallity of i'v got nothing to lose i will go nc and see if she misses me (again nc is not really meant to be used to get some1 back but if it helps you).I mean proper nc for a good 2/3 months, no msn, emails, txts,chocolates etc, become non existent to each other. This will give her time to miss you and decide she cant bare you completely out of your life. If she doesnt contact you, you will have a completely different outlook on the situation in 3 month time anyway. Its the only way to break the horrible cycle you in at the mo. Im not going to tell youif she wants you or she doesn't,but thats the only way you gonna find out for sure. gl

August 22, 2010

You feel your situation is different to the typical dumper/dumpee situation? Ok for arguments sake say you are right and she is confused, hurt, angry etc. I do feel you need to do nc and try and move on because you are in a horrible situation. I know you dont want to hear this. If it does help you think of it like this (even though i still don't think its a healthy reason for doing it). You know that you are going in circles and getting nowhere. Go in with the mentallity of i'v got nothing to lose i will go nc and see if she misses me (again nc is not really meant to be used to get some1 back but if it helps you).I mean proper nc for a good 2/3 months, no msn, emails, txts,chocolates etc, become non existent to each other. This will give her time to miss you and decide she cant bare you completely out of your life. If she doesnt contact you, you will have a completely different outlook on the situation in 3 month time anyway. Its the only way to break the horrible cycle you in at the mo. Im not going to tell youif she wants you or she doesn't,but thats the only way you gonna find out for sure. gl

I know. Like i've been saying, i'm approaching that... i know what u mean. I've been thru all that, thought of all that. But hey, thanks for reminding and reinforcing. But believe me, been thru all of that.

You said nothing that i'd reply "I don't wanna hear it". As long as what u say is well judged and reasoned, u have my gratitude. I am not here seeking words of encouragement to soldier on, so don't worry abt what u said. But I am only here to see if anyone could cast any light on my girl's behaviour. But i now have got this monkey on my back (not you) who won't stop chattering and making a racket in here. But hey thanks man...

August 22, 2010

The point i'm making is i dont' think any1 on here or anywhere can say what your girlfriend is thinking. People are coming to the conclusion that she doesn't want you because i suppose the way she is acting kind of points to that direction. But you know the situation better than us and we have got to respect that. What i'm saying is its irrelevent whether she doesn't want you or whether she does and shes just confused because i cant answer that we dont know whats going through her head. But what i think i do know is even if she doent give you a straight anwer i think you should approach it at a different angle just to see if her reaction changes. Clearly its not working at the moment and i think its the only way you are going to get your answers. Clearly you dont want to let her go, im not saying f*** her im moving on im just saying maybe take 2 steps backwards to move 3 forward. If you do it properly say 3 month it will giver her a real chance to miss you, rather than just 7 days and then contacting again. But as for how she is acting i dont think any of us can answer that. GL

August 22, 2010

The point i'm making is i dont' think any1 on here or anywhere can say what your girlfriend is thinking. People are coming to the conclusion that she doesn't want you because i suppose the way she is acting kind of points to that direction. But you know the situation better than us and we have got to respect that. What i'm saying is its irrelevent whether she doesn't want you or whether she does and shes just confused because i cant answer that we dont know whats going through her head. But what i think i do know is even if she doent give you a straight anwer i think you should approach it at a different angle just to see if her reaction changes. Clearly its not working at the moment and i think its the only way you are going to get your answers. Clearly you dont want to let her go, im not saying f*** her im moving on im just saying maybe take 2 steps backwards to move 3 forward. If you do it properly say 3 month it will giver her a real chance to miss you, rather than just 7 days and then contacting again. But as for how she is acting i dont think any of us can answer that. GL

The 7 days was just me giving her some space, which i am thinking was a mistake, becos her reaction indicates i should have gotten in touch instead of staying silent. And i understand what u are saying. Yes, i guess hoping anyone could throw some light on her behaviour was not realistic. The closest someone got was this great girl named menafee who was in my other thread.

Yes, different approach. Been thinking of that also, thanks for your perspective. The 'do it properly' part is one of the reaons i am here - to gain as much as i can different outlooks so that i don't screw it up when i get that chance, cos i think i'm not gonna get more than 1 chance at this.

What i've also been trying to get across from the beginning is that i feel i had been neglecting her too much by leaving her alone when she needed me to take action, and to do NC again now, would just completely destroy any chance i might still have. take for example the 7 days. I got into trouble for just keeping quiet for 7 days. I know she will give up if i disappear, becos 1. i know her and 2. she's already said so. She's willing to endure the pain and learn to live with it. That's what she said. This was when i was leaving her alone and she was posting on MSN. That's the kind of situation i am in.

Thanks for ur thoughts.

Edited August 22, 2010 by mythologymajor

August 22, 2010

@bigproc Welcome to my world

You have just told him, very politely EXACTLY what to do. And he is going to do the complete opposite. Because he isnt man enough to take a chance and go No Contact. And does not want to hear what anyone is telling him.

After annoying her for what is coming on to years, he believes she blocked him because he ignored her for 7 days. It couldnt possibly be because she doesnt want him , like him , and is dating someone else.

There is absolutely no point in entertaining this deluded wuss any longer, he will continue on his pattern of non exceptence.

And eventually she WILL have to legally restrain him, or just keep him there for her own amusement until a boyfriend comes along and beats the crap out of him.

If you come on here asking for advice people, listen to what people tell you. Your situation is exactly the same as thousands of others, and we have all been there before.

I hope someone makes this into a sticky so people can see what NOT to do when you get dumped

August 22, 2010

Mythologymajor,

I said in an earlier post to you that I am not a big fan of NC, but in this case, you need to go into NC so that you can take a step back from the situation and be able to see things more clearly. NC may sound counter-intuitive, but you need to do that at this time because nothing else has worked. If there is any chance of the two of you resuming any form of normal communication, you will have to first take a step back.

Intially when your relationship started you were doing NC because of your personal issues and that got you into this mess. But then you swung the pendulum too far the other way and started to smother her. Then you're oscillating between NC (7 days no contact) and smothering her (flowers). It's not one particular action or inaction that has put you into this situation, it's the big picture of what appears to be inconsistent actions/inactions on your side. As a result, she probably has no idea what to make of your inconsistent actions at this time. When that occurs, people will shut down just has she has done.

For some unknown reason she is updating her Messenger status that you are convinced are messages to you. Maybe she is trying to send you hints. None of us here can tell you for sure whether that is true or not. You are closer to the situation and are in a better position to assess those updates. What I can tell you from looking at this from a distance is that those updates mean practically nothing. If she is interested, she would accept your phone calls, chat with you on Messenger, send you an email.. Something, anything! Think about it, what kind of "relationship" can one possibly have if the only communication is one-way Messenger status updates? The answer is there is NO RELATIONSHIP. She's throwing you these breadcrumbs and understandably you are grabbing on. I don't blame you, but, she is being very cruel to you and she is being unfair to you by stringing you along like this. Why doesn't she treat YOU better?

You need to stop asking yourself why is she doing this. The best anyone can say is that she's confused or conflicted. But whatever she is, she is not at the stage that she wants a relationship with you, otherwise she would be communicating with you in a more normal way. There is NOTHING you can do to change her mind. She has to change her mind on her own in her own time. By you pursuing her like you are doing, you are just hurting your case. You need to take a step back and give her some breathing room.

I know what we are all suggesting is not easy to take and I know you want to do something to try and correct the situation. You said you are not quite ready to go full NC, so the only thing I can suggest is you write her a short hand written letter that says basically something along the lines of you accept that she does not want to talk with you anymore and that unless she wants to have a telephone discussion then you will be moving on and you will no longer contact her again to respect her wishes. If you truly love her like you claim, then you will let her make a decision in her own time and then respect her decision, even if her decision is silence on her part. Then just let go and leave it up to her to decide where this goes.

One more thing... it's very passive aggressive for you to suggest that no one is reading your posts in detail or that your situation is different from everyone else's situation. You should be very appreciative that we're taking the time to respond. You may not like what you're reading, but that does not mean you need to criticize the posters. If you really don't like what you are hearing, then you should seek professional advice from a therapist.

August 22, 2010

Amen brother

August 22, 2010

Wow, you really should listen to Fruitpunch.

If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you.

Don't live your life through MSN and Facebook status's.

When girls like boys, they do whatever it takes to get with them. She knows you want her, yet you are still not together. I think you are a bit delusional.

Move on babe.

August 22, 2010

Myth

I've read most..not all, of your situation. So I may have missed something, maybe a lot, maybe something critical. But let's update and clarify. Keep it simple, you've written a great amount.

Have you ever dated and been in an official relationship, meaning everyone knows?

Have you had sexual relations with her, and to what extent?

Her MSN posts, how do you know for a fact they are directed to you? Provide actual examples. It will help clarify what it is your seeing and interpreting.

A simple timeline of your relationship with this woman.

Please understand, we deal with so many foggy confused people, hurt, in stress, in trauma, and in love. We help them by being objective, seeing the whole cloth while they are examining the threads. It's quite natural. There are patterns, that repeat, over and over again, the exceptions are damn few. Words mean little, it's the actions that matter in these situations.

August 22, 2010

I'm sorry but it looks like you are going to learn the hard way and hopefully she won't hate your guts when its done. this whole way of u guys dealing with each is a mess and u can't get a healthy rel out of this

August 23, 2010

You have just told him, very politely EXACTLY what to do. And he is going to do the complete opposite. Because he isnt man enough to take a chance and go No Contact. And does not want to hear what anyone is telling him.

Please don't assume u know what i am gonna do. I was hitting back at you becos u were going over the line and misread every single detail, and was practically contaminating my situation by interpreting it the way you want it. Understand that not every breakup is the same. Understand that you don't know me or her. You have been spouting as if you know every single reason for every action she has taken. Most of them have been so wrong that it's pathetic and i ended up just ignoring what u wrote. u need to be more restrained and ask instead of making assumptions based on what you have gone thru yourself. I am not you, she is not your girl, we do not live in your world. Hope u can understand that. What you wrote was not based on my situation. It is based on a generalised situation that u tried to shoehorn into mine.

But i see u have toned down the language. Thank you for that. Perhaps that means u are not posting in the heat of emotion. I am sorry u are also going thru a situation, but pls understand i was not going to stand here and let you rant at my expense. Sorry nothing personal. But since u have decided to be more reasonable, i will try to set some of the things u are getting wrong, straight.

After annoying her for what is coming on to years, he believes she blocked him because he ignored her for 7 days. It couldnt possibly be because she doesnt want him , like him , and is dating someone else.

It is not years. I wrote that we have known each other for 4 years. Everything started to come into boil only November last year. The heavy stuff over the last few months. You have to believe me when i tell u stuff, otherwise you end up misdiagnosing the whole situation. Like i said, don't make assumptions. You were making a ton of mistaken assumptions, and everyone else probably read your rants and went with that. That's why i was going on abt reading properly. If u r unable to read up becos it's too long, i understand, but u can't just shoot off without getting the facts straight. Is that too much to ask??

And i can assure you, if there IS a bf, i would be hearing FROM him, instead of abt him. Again don't assume things. Just accept this instead of shooting off your mouth again. If there really was a bf, i would not be here. I would have ended it. I am not deluded. Don't make me keep saying that.

August 23, 2010

It's not one particular action or inaction that has put you into this situation, it's the big picture of what appears to be inconsistent actions/inactions on your side. As a result, she probably has no idea what to make of your inconsistent actions at this time. When that occurs, people will shut down just has she has done.

You have got most of it correct, but i just want to point out in case of misassumption, that the 'smothering' has just been happening the last few months, after i realised she had been expecting me to take action previously, and i failed to, and was trying to make it up. i know the dangers of smothering. i know. but i also know the mess i am in was becos i was not 'smothering' her b4... I have no problems to go NC, my biggest fear, based on what i know to be true, is that if i do it now, she will definitely learn to live with it no matter how much it hurts her, and she will let go. you have to take my word on this. that's why i am here asking for opinions, because of this conundrum, but i have ended up getting sidetracked by misreading or misunderstanding of my situation.

What I can tell you from looking at this from a distance is that those updates mean practically nothing. If she is interested, she would accept your phone calls, chat with you on Messenger, send you an email.. Something, anything! Think about it, what kind of "relationship" can one possibly have if the only communication is one-way Messenger status updates? The answer is there is NO RELATIONSHIP. She's throwing you these breadcrumbs and understandably you are grabbing on. I don't blame you, but, she is being very cruel to you and she is being unfair to you by stringing you along like this. Why doesn't she treat YOU better?

It's not that she's not taking my calls all the time... she blocks me or stops talking to me when i have done something wrong (like if she expects me to do something and i fail to do that) or when hurt her feelings. I always get into trouble when i say the wrong thing. Problem is, i dunno what she wants me to say. She has no reason to string me along, and she is not doing that anyway. The only reason i can think of why she's treating me like this is becos i really hurt her (and i did, in hindsight - u have to believe me - i did write abt this in my other thread).

You need to stop asking yourself why is she doing this. The best anyone can say is that she's confused or conflicted. But whatever she is, she is not at the stage that she wants a relationship with you, otherwise she would be communicating with you in a more normal way. There is NOTHING you can do to change her mind. She has to change her mind on her own in her own time. By you pursuing her like you are doing, you are just hurting your case. You need to take a step back and give her some breathing room.

It could be possible u are right. i just needed some external points of view to try read the situation... if there were no MSN postings, it'll be very clear. for whatever reason, she is unable to talk to me directly at the moment, she's doing it thru MSN. Its probably becos she knows she will get too emotional and break down. I dunno. If u read my other thread, u will perhaps understand a bit better.

I know what we are all suggesting is not easy to take and I know you want to do something to try and correct the situation. You said you are not quite ready to go full NC, so the only thing I can suggest is you write her a short hand written letter that says basically something along the lines of you accept that she does not want to talk with you anymore and that unless she wants to have a telephone discussion then you will be moving on and you will no longer contact her again to respect her wishes. If you truly love her like you claim, then you will let her make a decision in her own time and then respect her decision, even if her decision is silence on her part. Then just let go and leave it up to her to decide where this goes.

I know, i am approaching this... it might happen soon, if things continue this way.

One more thing... it's very passive aggressive for you to suggest that no one is reading your posts in detail or that your situation is different from everyone else's situation. You should be very appreciative that we're taking the time to respond. You may not like what you're reading, but that does not mean you need to criticize the posters. If you really don't like what you are hearing, then you should seek professional advice from a therapist.

But dude, u do have to concede that every situation is different, right? And i am grateful for the responses, i just felt i had to say something when my situation was getting misread and some posts were out of line. If i could not accept the responses, i would not be replying in measured and reasoned tone, i will be cursing and cussing. Thanks for taking the effort, i mean it...

August 23, 2010

Wow, you really should listen to Fruitpunch.

If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you.

Don't live your life through MSN and Facebook status's.

When girls like boys, they do whatever it takes to get with them. She knows you want her, yet you are still not together. I think you are a bit delusional.

Move on babe.

I would listen to Fruitpunch if he did not get all the facts wrong. If u have only been reading his posts and glancing thru mine (i fully understand this, because it is loooong), pls take my word for it. He's getting it all wrong. And he doesn't ask to clarify, he just shoots off at fictional imaginings based on whatever he thinks he knows.

And sadly, i fear that perhaps not all girls (or boys) approach things the same way, not taking into account the complicated setting this is happening in..

August 23, 2010

Everything started to come into boil only November last year. The heavy stuff over the last few months. You have to believe me when i tell u stuff

So I am trying to understand so we can have a better picture of your situation and perhaps we can give you some better advice. It seems you did not answer these previous questions from Iconoclast. Did you ever have sexual intercourse with her? Were you ever actually together in a relationship, i.e. boyfriend and girlfriend? For how long?

Edited August 23, 2010 by Don Ho

August 23, 2010

Have you ever dated and been in an official relationship, meaning everyone knows?
Have you had sexual relations with her, and to what extent?
Her MSN posts, how do you know for a fact they are directed to you? Provide actual examples. It will help clarify what it is your seeing and interpreting.
A simple timeline of your relationship with this woman.

We were never official, never had sex. We were very close. One period, we met a few times a week.

Timeline: Met her 2006(ish) - i was too busy at work and occupied with family problems as well. She initiated things, called me, texted, hints. I couldn't do it although i wanted to. She gave up end of 2006 and did not reply to my christmas or new year greetings. So i left her alone.

End of 2007, i cleared up my work and issues, and promptly contacted her. Met up a few days later. She admitted she gave up becos she thot i wasn't interested. My first failure (in hindsight) - i did not reply that i was actually interested, i said nothing. But anyway, she appeared to have moved on. We agreed to be friends, and ended up doing freelance jobs together. Got very very close, became confidantes. I probed a bit, she was not ready so i rolled with it.

Througout 2008, we were in close contact. End of 2008, had a big quarrel when i pushed too far (it was nothing major, but we made it so). Ended up leaving her alone for many months.

2009 May - texted her on her birthday. she replied and we got back in touch. But i had gotten burned bad. I hoped for nothing but to have a wonderful girl in my life. I kept contact casual, a few calls a week, sometimes going 7-10 days without contact (We used to talk everyday). Played it really cool. Didn't even ask her out until November 2009 despite hints from her (6 months after getting back in contact). I told her that day we met that i intended to regain all the trust i lost, she softly said ok. But my pattern of lackadaisical commitment continued the next few weeks, i never called... A few weeks later, when chatting on MSN, she suddenly dropped the bf bomb. I told her i was happy for her, and i would be there for her always.

This was when she started her MSN stuff... right after that conversation, she posted "appears i've been wrong to be true to him". I read that later that evening, and texted her a moving msg abt caring for her even though i no longer can be with her. Over the next few days, her MSN statuses were abt hearbreak and loss. I left her alone, i did not know what to do. This was in Nov 2009.

Since then, i've been learning by painful trial and error that she did not want me to say goodbye, she did not want to be friends. She gave me many chances to state my case when she called me right after reading an email or text i sent the night b4, but i failed every time. Her MSN statuses became even more painful. What was i to do? She said she had a bf. I just didn;t know what to do, and everything i said just made things worse.

When i finally realised what i needed to do, i stopped sending painful msgs and focused more on loving ones, she always responded with 'i love you' and stuff on her MSN. i admit that i dared not take it further when i saw those, because i was really scared, after getting rejected tht last time, i couldn't work up the nerve. So i kept silent. Our conversations became increasingly strained, and she started to bring up the bf frequently - i dunno if it was to test how i would react, or to hurt me.

My conviction is that she is now too badly hurt, and i dunno how to fix it. She has stopped taking my calls now. I have been trying to give her space (like that 7 days), but i dunno if that was the thing to do nor not. Which brings me to my original point - keeping silent when i needed to speak up and take action has caused me all these troubles.

If u need examples of why i know her MSN posts are abt me, do ask. I have a lot.

Please understand, we deal with so many foggy confused people, hurt, in stress, in trauma, and in love. We help them by being objective, seeing the whole cloth while they are examining the threads. It's quite natural. There are patterns, that repeat, over and over again, the exceptions are damn few. Words mean little, it's the actions that matter in these situations.

I understand, and u will have no idea how grateful i am u guys are making the effort. I can only hope i can repay in my small way, when i am able to. Hope u can see a bit more from what i've written... that bit u said abt actions and words... her action might be the result of mine, and if i want a favourable action from her, i need to do the right thing... this is still active you see.... there's every chance her action will be different if i do the right thing.

August 23, 2010

mythologymajor by your screen name alone it suggest you are a person who think about things deeply, has a knack of seeing each and every branch of the tree of the forest, and distill complexity down to it essence. Very admirable traits.

Though sometimes things are exactly like they appear, and despite your deepest desire not to see it in this case this is one of those situations. i know you want to protest it, but just stop and breath then allow yourself to really think about the fact the girl is not into you, sorry for your lost and pain. Often the simplest answer is the right one, while enjoy the complex it time to accept the situation for what it is. Again, I wish it was different for you. Understand even if you are right, this is not how real love behaves; it honest, it does not ask for partners to guess the right answer, it fights to be understood not obfuscate, it does everything it can to make it work, it does not play games and it is fearless. What you are struggling with is not real love.

Take all of your talents and abilities to focus on yourself, learn what you can from this failed relationship, and move on.

.

Edited August 23, 2010 by GrayClouds

August 23, 2010

mythologymajor by your screen name alone it suggest you are a person who think about things deeply, has a knack of seeing each and every branch of the tree of the forest, and distill complexity down to it essence. Very admirable traits.

Not really, hahaha... when signing up, there was this huge book on World Mythology on my desk. So i went with that But u are right, i do have those 'traits'.

Though sometimes things are exactly like they appear, and despite your deepest desire not to see it in this case this is one of those situations. i know you want to protest it, but just stop and breath then allow yourself to really think about the fact the girl is not into you, sorry for your lost and pain. Often the simplest answer is the right one, while enjoy the complex it time to accept the situation for what it is. Again, I wish it was different for you.

Take all of your talents and ablities to focus on yourself, learn what you can from this failed relationship, and move on.

Hope my reply to iconoclast paints a clearer picture... its a very simplified picture, but i gotta keep it short... thanks

Understand even if you are right, this is not how real love behaves; it honest, it does not ask for partners to guess the right answer, it fights to be understood not obfuscate, it does everything it can to make it work, it does not play games and it is fearless. What you are struggling with is not real love.

That's very idealistic, and i only wished it was always so in the real world. But you do have to consider that sometimes real love or true love is about sacrifice, abt letting go, abt no matter how deep the love circumstances dictate that it's better to not be together. I know her love to be true, but she won't let me get close to asking why she can't or won't try harder to be with me. I don't know her situation, she won't tell me, its almost as if she's afraid if she meets me she will succumb and something bad will happen. Or maybe she has been hurt too much and does not dare to anymore. I don't know what it is. To the naysayers who keep saying otherwise, nobody, not even me, really knows what's going on. But i know the situation better than you do, and sometimes u just have to take my word for it. I know she feels love for me. But for some reason, she can only reciprocate in her manner, nothing more. Pls dun say i am delusional. I am tempted to bring up the name of Copernicus, but that would be vanity of the highest order, and in a totally different order of significance. Just suffice to say that this is in front of me, i've studied it deeply and in detached manner, and i am talking from a position of conviction. Please do note that i was never so convinced of her feelings in the beginning. It was over time as the situation evolved that i realised her feelings actually ran so deep, and that i had hurt her so bad. What i've shared with you is but a small fraction of the situation, so to all those who can't accept my conviction, i am sorry there's no way i can convince you. I note your advice to move on. But don't call me deluded. As it turned out for Copernicus, he was vindicated. I am not Copernicus, but i am in his situation of knowing the facts struggling against ppl who 'think' they know better. I am not saying i know better what i should do, i'm just saying i know my situation better, and u have to accept that if u really want to help me.

Back to your words abt real love should be easy... sometimes isn't it true that the kind of love that has gone thru hell and back are the truest kinds? How do you know it's true if it's not gone thru challenges? i know i'm generalising, but i think u get what i mean.... she might have her reasons for doing it this way. perhaps she is not ready for whatever reason. i haven't figured it out. but to help me figure it out, u guys need to believe what i say first and dun keep saying i'm deluded. if not, it'll all be just misguided....

Edited August 23, 2010 by mythologymajor

August 23, 2010

if there were no MSN postings, it'll be very clear. for whatever reason, she is unable to talk to me directly at the moment, she's doing it thru MSN.

Then do your yourself a favor and disconnect MSN or at least stop looking at those MSN postings.

What is it that you want to hear from us?

Everything we say you discount it by saying we haven't read the details of your other posting or you try to distinguish your situation as being different from everything we are saying.

Since you seem to know how to find the minute difference between two situations, they apply that same skill to what you initially were doing and what we are suggestiong now. In pariticular, recongnize that what you were doing initially was not really "NC" in the sense that it is suggested on here when people are having relationship issues. What you were doing was actually avoiding her. Your avoidance may look similar to "no contact" but you were doing it inappropriately and in the wrong context and at the wrong time. During the initial stages of a relationship, no contact is completely inappropriate. But what's done is done. You are now confused in that we are telling you to take a step back and go "NC" and you are confusing that with the avoidance you were initially doing. You need to back up a step to give her some room and so that you can regroup.

Since you seem to want to do something, anything instead of NC, I will repeat what I said in an earlier posting.... write her a short hand written letter that says basically something along the lines of you accept that she does not want to talk with you anymore and that unless she wants to have a telephone discussion then you will be moving on and you will no longer contact her again to respect her wishes. If you truly love her like you claim, then you will let her make a decision in her own time and then respect her decision, even if her decision is silence on her part. Then just let go and leave it up to her to decide where this goes. Do you think you can do that?

August 23, 2010

Since you seem to know how to find the minute difference between two situations, they apply that same skill to what you initially were doing and what we are suggestiong now. In pariticular, recongnize that what you were doing initially was not really "NC" in the sense that it is suggested on here when people are having relationship issues. What you were doing was actually avoiding her. Your avoidance may look similar to "no contact" but you were doing it inappropriately and in the wrong context and at the wrong time. During the initial stages of a relationship, no contact is completely inappropriate. But what's done is done. You are now confused in that we are telling you to take a step back and go "NC" and you are confusing that with the avoidance you were initially doing. You need to back up a step to give her some room and so that you can regroup.

Since you seem to want to do something, anything instead of NC, I will repeat what I said in an earlier posting.... write her a short hand written letter that says basically something along the lines of you accept that she does not want to talk with you anymore and that unless she wants to have a telephone discussion then you will be moving on and you will no longer contact her again to respect her wishes. If you truly love her like you claim, then you will let her make a decision in her own time and then respect her decision, even if her decision is silence on her part. Then just let go and leave it up to her to decide where this goes. Do you think you can do that?

Thanks for the pov. It gives me something to ponder. And again, yes, i do sense i will need to approach what u counsel if things dun change in the next week or so. just one question, why hand-written over an email?

Everything we say you discount it by saying we haven't read the details of your other posting or you try to distinguish your situation as being different from everything we are saying.

As i see it, this is not a dumping scenario. my girl just won't talk to me (even that's only a recent thing). She never told me it's over, or not to contact her again, or things like that. Some mean-spirited folks would say i can't get dumped since i was never in a 'real' relationship (as defined by them). Fair enuf. Still doesn't make me dumped. Which means i am still in the picture. So i hope u guys appreciate my resistance to this walking away and moving on that some are advising me to do.

What is it that you want to hear from us?

My friend, i appreciate u guys taking the effort. I m not ungrateful. I am not holding this board responsible for anything and nobody owes me a thing. If thr's nothing more to be said, then leave it be. Its ok. I just needed to hear some perspectives as well as organise my thoughts a bit. I am not here for comfort or motivational stuff. Just objectivity. You guys have been cool enuf and shared plenty.

Edited August 23, 2010 by mythologymajor

Sign In

NC in a mixed signal situation caused me a whole lot of trouble!!

Recommended Posts

Fruitpunch

9Lives

mythologymajor

Fruitpunch

Fruitpunch

mythologymajor

BigProc

mythologymajor

BigProc

mythologymajor

Fruitpunch

westrock

Fruitpunch

VeveCakes

Iconoclast

9Lives

mythologymajor

mythologymajor

mythologymajor

Don Ho

mythologymajor

GrayClouds

mythologymajor

westrock

mythologymajor

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...