NC in a mixed signal situation caused me a whole lot of trouble!!

[mythologymajor]

Hi guys, I’ve been seeing a lot of advice on NC since I got here some weeks ago… I didn’t even know there was an acronym NC, actually had to look it up… anyways, without knowing abt it, I did NC on my girl some time ago, and looking back from the mess I am currently in, I have to conclude that if I had not gone NC, I won’t be in so much trouble now…

 

I’m gonna try to make this as short as i can:

 

• My girl initiated our relationship abt 4 years ago, she was the proactive one, I was unable to return her attention at that time although I badly wanted to, she gave up eventually and we lost contact.
  

 

• A year later when I was ready, I got back in touch with her. But she had moved on. But we did become friends, and worked on freelance jobs together. Met a few times a week for 1 whole year, I tried to slowly woo her back, but she was focused on work only and made it clear. I was able to build trust, but not love. I was really hurt at this stage. At the end of this period, I pushed too far, and we had a big quarrel, and I stopped contacting her.
  

 

• After 5 months of NC, I wished her birthday by text. We got back in touch again after that. After getting rejected badly the last time, I dared not do much this time, fearing I’d push her away again – I was just happy to have her in my life again. I took the friend route and just had very casual contact with her. She’d always take my calls or answer my texts, or we’d chat online, she’d always call back if she missed my calls. But I’d sometimes disappear and keep quiet for days, sometimes 1-2 weeks. I even took 6 months b4 actually asking to meet her, even though she had been giving me hints abt meeting up.
  

 

• After meeting for the first time for so long, I was thinking things were going well, I didn’t want to push it, and I had no reason to expect more from her. So I played it cool… A few hours after our ‘date’ I called her when she was obviously busy and she snapped at me. I apologised for disturbing her and hung up. Normally, either she’d call back to apologise later, or I’d contact her later to ask if everything was ok… but nothing happened. I did not call her, she didn’t call me. We did not contact each other for around 10 days.
  

 

• The next time we had contact, it was on MSN chat. After talking for a while, the conversation turned to our friendship. I told her I hoped to build an everlasting friendship with her. Out of the blue, she dropped her bomb on me. She suddenly said, “Don’t think abt doing that with me, for I’m no longer available.” I immediately called her on the phone and she said she now had a bf. At this stage, all I was expecting was to be friends with her, and so I told her that I was happy for her, and that I would be there for her as a friend always. We had to cut our call short when she had another call come in on her other line.
  

 

• Later that evening, when I logged in to my MSN homepage, I saw her updated status: “Turns out I made a mistake being true to him”. I did not know what to think. No matter how it was interpreted, I suddenly seemed to be back in the game – she might have been regretting being with her ‘bf’ or she actually had feelings for me. That night, I sent her a very long and touching text abt loving her and taking care of her even though I am not her lover. The next day, her status was even more emotional, but the gist of it is that I was offering to be the best friend that I can be, and she responded by putting up on her status abt being heartbroken. By this stage, I was utterly confused. Why did she say she had a bf and then post stuff like this?
  

 

• I did not dare to take any action… a lot of things happened in this period (from November last year til today) – I did not dare to pursue her in any way, because I feared another rejection. She gave me a few chances to say something, but she never said anything herself. I tried continuing to be friends, she started to cut me off, saying now that she had a bf, she isn’t able to give any attention to other guys. I started to ask to meet a final time to say goodbye, since even friendship was no longer an option for her. She would block me from her MSN, abruptly end calls, etc. By now, all her MSN updates were abt loss and heartbreak – but I was utterly unable to get my act together.
  

 

• She started to use the bf word to hurt me whenever she can, and eventually she stopped taking my calls and ignored my texts, emails and IMs. I finally realised that she was expecting something of me, but by the time I finally wised up, she has been so badly hurt that she has no confidence in me anymore. I even began to suspect that there was no bf, from all her MSN status postings.
  

But it is all too late now. She won’t talk to me anymore. It is now one big case of MIXED signals. In response to my emails and texts, she has posted ‘I love you’ replies, but when I try to call her, she won’t take my calls. She’d tell me not to call her anymore. But she never once said she loved her bf and was happy with him, the best she could do was :”I respect my relationship with my bf”.

 

Now I am stuck, I don’t know what to do… doing NC to her (I know it’s a corrupted form of NC – but that’s what it was - no contact, mostly to protect myself from getting hurt) was me hoping to get her back this way. What I succeeded in doing was to show her that I was NC – NOT COMMITTED. She must have been so hurt for so many nights when I just left her alone that she has now lost all confidence and trust in me. I am now doing all I can to repair this damage, but I think I m losing the fight.

 

I know you guys will have a lot of questions and observations abt this or that, or just confused because of missing details – I think I’ve pretty much covered everything in my other thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t238909/

 

I really need the collected wisdom here guys… this girl is my life… she’s the one, no other. I loved her the day I met her 4 years ago, and will love her to the day I die. I will do anything I can to win her heart and trust again, but I need your help, cos I am out of ideas…. My thread details all my steps up to the last few days, and I sense an end coming…. Please help me if u can… When she brings up her bf, what is it that she wants me to say?? I already told her to please stop talking abt her ‘bf’ to hurt me, she stopped for a while, but it’s started again… Why does she say stuff like loving me and missing me and being heartbroken and stuff on MSN but when I try to talk to her she won't take my calls anymore??

[Fruitpunch]

wow!

What an absolute and complete balls up this is.

Dude, you can NOT woo a girl by being her friend. They do not **** their friends. You have been demoted to wussy ex boyfriend here years ago.

YEARS ago.

You following her around for the last two years has done absolutely nothing to attract her to you, at all!

The attraction, the initial spark has gone from her side. She does not have the feelings for you and im pretty sure she does have a boyfriend.

4 years bro?? What!!!!

Come one man, there is no way a man can go 4 years without finding another girl. Its hard to go 4 weeks and my town is notorious for having no women in it.

 

You need to let go of this and stop torturing yourself. Your illusion that she is "The One" is making your whole life a complete misery.

 

If you had got in contact after a year. been confident, attractive, played uninterested it might have workd. But you can pursue girl for 3 years and expect them to be attracted to you.

 

Girls are attracted to men who other girls are attracted to. Who are strong, independent. you are showing her none of these things, and she is now probably so sick of being polite to you with calls that she doesnt want to do it.

She has moved on. you need to hear this, for your own mental well being.

She is GONE.

Go and date some other women, try again in 12 months if you must, but not with the personality you have now.

 

Go **** some women dude, seriously, there is a whole world out there that you have spent 4 years hiding from

 

Go! NOW!!!

[Fruitpunch]

**** me! sorry but reading this again im actually becoming wound up at how delusion you are.

When she says she has a bf, it isnt to make you commit!!!! She knows your ****ing committed, you have been stalking her for 3 years!

Its to get you to go away.

When she said there was someone on the other line, there wasnt. She wanted you to GO AWAY.

Why did you call her when she said she had a bf straight away.

 

She may not have a bf but the only reason she would make it up is to get you to back off. So do it. Leave her alone dude or your next move will be getting a court injuction.

 

Everything you have writted above, the opposite is true. EVERYTHING

 

Im not trying to be mean but you need to wake up before you ruin your whole life with this.

Euuurgh!!!

[mythologymajor]

to: Fruitpunch

 

Trust me my friend, i have tried moving on... even went on a few dates with some girls... just made me miss/love her more... the thing is, she's not moved on. She's posting all these MSN status updates abt loving/missing me.... if she doesn't do that, i will l know i've got no chance, that will make it easier for me to move on... she's not letting go... and she's not the one offering to be friends - she doesn't want to be friends. and yes i love her enuf to want her to be happy even if it's not with me. If she's happy, having her in my life is enuf for me, and i can move on. But she's not responding to that either. She's miserable. If u read my other thread, you will see what i mean... She wants me to respond in a certain way to her supposed 'bf' - and i haven't figured it out yet.... sigh... and i get the feeling she's gonna give up on me soon, if i don't figure this out....

[mythologymajor]

**** me! sorry but reading this again im actually becoming wound up at how delusion you are.

When she says she has a bf, it isnt to make you commit!!!! She knows your ****ing committed, you have been stalking her for 3 years!

Its to get you to go away.

When she said there was someone on the other line, there wasnt. She wanted you to GO AWAY.

Why did you call her when she said she had a bf straight away.

 

She may not have a bf but the only reason she would make it up is to get you to back off. So do it. Leave her alone dude or your next move will be getting a court injuction.

 

Everything you have writted above, the opposite is true. EVERYTHING

 

Im not trying to be mean but you need to wake up before you ruin your whole life with this.

Euuurgh!!!

 

Thanks for at least reading, but perhaps u have not really read thru or digested what i wrote properly... i wasn't stalking her.... i left her alone for too much. I failed to do the right thing when she gave me the chances. Maybe u can read my other thread... i am open to advice, even ones abt me being delusional, but hopefully only after careful consideration /reading of the situation that i am in/ written abt.... why do u think she was posting these MSN updates abt me? And i know they are abt me - read my other thread...

[Fruitpunch]

So tell me then. how the **** are you doing NC if you are looking at her MSN status's?

Dude, you have done EVERYTHING wrong here. If you would have done the exact opposite of what you did you may have had a chance, but you have exhausted every opportunity. EVERY opportunity.

You got her to meet you then rang her straight after.

 

Those statuses are probably not about you. Do you not think she would just ****ing tell you if she wanted you to respond in a way, rather than sublimially doing it through morse friggin code. SHE DOES NOT WANT YOU. SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND. SHE DOES NOT WANT TO DATE YOU. SHE IS NOT TRYING TO GET YOU TO PROVE HOW MUCH SHE MEANS TO YOU.

 

Look, for your own good. MOVE ON. She moved on years ago and was being nice to you until she couldnt do this anymore because you wouldnt let it go.

 

And for ****s sake. You would be "friends" with a girl you are in love with???? What kind of pussy talk is that!!! Your going to be put in the position of friend while she tells someone else she loves him.

Do you know what happens when you do that?? EXACTLY WHAT HAS HAPPENED.

She kept you there until she met someone, and now she is ditching you.

 

Just because you think she is the one does not matter. She does not think you are the one, she doesn't want to talk to you.

 

Please, for gods sakes will someone step in here and tell this guy. Its painful to watch a man doing this kinda stuff, it really is.

 

Man up dude, you can do it. You aren't a pussy if you are man enough to let it go.

[Fruitpunch]

I have just read your other posts and i have already told you this along with many other people.

you were asking how to get her back when she is dating someone else???

And it just got worse from there. here is my favorite line

 

"I am not that crazy or psychotic that I’d let myself get broken time and time again if I knew for sure she has no feelings for me."

 

You ARE crazy. And you ARE a psycho. so YOU know if she has feelings, but SHE doesnt???? WTF!!!

 

She is dating someone else and wants you out of her life. She has told u this time and time again, and you are STALKING her.

 

I have nothing else to say here. you dont listen to anyone when you dont get what you want to hear and being on here is making me feel negative. And im having a ****ing amazing week, i dont want this

 

****ing listen to what people are telling you before you get arrested.

[Fruitpunch]

"Later that evening, when I logged in to my MSN homepage, I saw her updated status: “Turns out I made a mistake being true to him”. I did not know what to think. No matter how it was interpreted, I suddenly seemed to be back in the game – she might have been regretting being with her ‘bf’ or she actually had feelings for me. That night, I sent her a very long and touching text abt loving her and taking care of her even though I am not her lover."

 

 

You are a moron. That is all.

[westrock]

 

My girl initiated our relationship abt 4 years ago, she was the proactive one, I was unable to return her attention at that time although I badly wanted to, she gave up eventually and we lost contact.

 

 

this girl is my life… she’s the one, no other. I loved her the day I met her 4 years ago,

 

You say you loved her the day you met her, but you were unable to return her attention. What was happening that you were unable to return her attention?

 

I can tell you're hurting and desparate at this time and want to do the right thing. What you need to understand is that if she has another b/f, then the right thing is to leave her alone and move on. If you love her as you claim, then you have to respect her which means just leaving her alone. If there is any chance at all, it has to come from her in a clear way which has not happened since the time you first met her. Status messages on MSN mean nothing.

[mythologymajor]

So tell me then. how the **** are you doing NC if you are looking at her MSN status's?

 

Like i said, it's just a corrupted method of NC. Like i said, i didn't know abt NC b4 i got here recently. I was just leaving her alone and not calling her. Sorry if i was misrepresenting NC.

 

You got her to meet you then rang her straight after.

 

Yes, bcos i was being a friend - i just called her to share a funny thought. It was never abt following steps in 'NC strategy' to get back an ex, She was never my gf. We were close, but never made it to bf/gf status. At that time, i was just being a friend. Apparently, she was expecting more. And no, i didn't get her to meet me. I finally asked her out after many hints from her, after many months.

 

Those statuses are probably not about you.

 

Please my friend, try to read up my other thread... i know it's a bit long and all... but u will see why i am so confused. I am not deluded. But i am really confused.

 

Look, for your own good. MOVE ON. She moved on years ago and was being nice to you until she couldnt do this anymore because you wouldnt let it go.

 

I wanna move on dude... and i wanna let it go... but i can only let go if she lets me go... but u really are not reading my post properly...

 

And for ****s sake. You would be "friends" with a girl you are in love with???? What kind of pussy talk is that!!! Your going to be put in the position of friend while she tells someone else she loves him.

Do you know what happens when you do that?? EXACTLY WHAT HAS HAPPENED.

She kept you there until she met someone, and now she is ditching you.

 

That's not what happened. Read my post again. And i am not being a pussy. I am strong and secure enuf to let her be happy. I can love her even if she's not with me. I will move on if she's happy. She is showing to me she's miserable. Problem is, she won't talk to me anymore. It's not a straightforward situation i am in, and advice abt manning up won't help me here... i am not a masochist or weak - i just need help deciphering why this girl is behaving the way she is. I am not blind or dumb, just fer Gawd's sake read my post properly. I am not writing it as i want to see it. I have been as objective as i can abt this whole mess i am in. However if everyone concurs with you, i am willing to reconsider my convictions

[mythologymajor]

I have just read your other posts and i have already told you this along with many other people.

you were asking how to get her back when she is dating someone else???

And it just got worse from there. here is my favorite line

 

"I am not that crazy or psychotic that I’d let myself get broken time and time again if I knew for sure she has no feelings for me."

 

You ARE crazy. And you ARE a psycho. so YOU know if she has feelings, but SHE doesnt???? WTF!!!

 

She is dating someone else and wants you out of her life. She has told u this time and time again, and you are STALKING her.

 

I have nothing else to say here. you dont listen to anyone when you dont get what you want to hear and being on here is making me feel negative. And im having a ****ing amazing week, i dont want this

 

****ing listen to what people are telling you before you get arrested.

 

Dude, i am sorry if u are having a bad week. Join the club. But you should get your money back from that speed reading course you took. Didn't do nought for your comprehension. Btw, it's a really black and white straight-cut world you live in. I'd love to live in a world like that, where everyhing is super simple and easily understood. But i happen to live in a world with a lot of grey areas, where human relationships are complicated. And sorry for hurting your feelings by posting abt my troubles. Hope u feel better having a go at someone who has nothing to do with your own hurtin. Thanks anyway.

[Fruitpunch]

Im not having a go for my own benefit here. I am having an amazing week and thats because i let go of my ex when she broke up with me.

 

You are never going to listen on here. your situation is NOT different, it IS straight cut and you are NEVER going to get the answers you want on here.

 

Accept that the answer is to move on. MOVE ON. She is screaming that to you. She has a boyfriend , she isnt in contact.

 

When you contact her as a "friend" to tell her something funny you saw, it creeps her out, because you dont view her as a friend. You are texting her telling her you love her all the time. SHE IS CREEPED OUT AND WANTS OUT

 

I get no pleasure out of telling you this but someone needs to , you are acting like a stalker and you will NEVER get her back. EVER

 

Accept that , move on and start thinking about yourself and your life

 

Can someone please tell this guy , i cant do it again without throttling him

[mythologymajor]

You say you loved her the day you met her, but you were unable to return her attention. What was happening that you were unable to return her attention?

 

At that time, i was having major issues in my life, my family and financials... later when we hooked up again, she told me she gave up then becos she thot i wasn't interested. i was interested. I regret not doing more, but that's already past... just wanted to put the situation into context...

 

I can tell you're hurting and desparate at this time and want to do the right thing. What you need to understand is that if she has another b/f, then the right thing is to leave her alone and move on. If you love her as you claim, then you have to respect her which means just leaving her alone. If there is any chance at all, it has to come from her in a clear way which has not happened since the time you first met her. Status messages on MSN mean nothing.

 

I tried to leave her alone. Her MSN posts got more and more heartbroken because i did that... if she has another bf, why is she posting all these MSN updates? That's what i need help figuring out. It'll really help if u have a look at my other thread though - then u will see why i am so confused.

 

All i need to know is that she's happy with this 'bf' - i will stop all this nonsense the next day. she's not doing that. all she needs to do is tell me clearly to leave her alone because she is happy with who she is with. She's not doing that. She's miserable. I've been told by more than one girl that it's the MSN posts that reflects the real feelings of someone... i dunno why she is doing it this way. That's why i m here looking for help... again, this is not a simple situation and i am sorry abt that. She is a complicated girl, and i am afraid i have hurt her so bad that she is now too scared to open up to me again.

 

Anyways, if u dun really feel like reading the other thread, i know she's posting abt me because the posts are always in response to an email or text i send her. For example, i sent her the lyrics to Billy Joel's "And So It Goes". The next morning, her MSN status was: "My silence was my self defence". Things like that.

[Fruitpunch]

Dude, i have just read through your posts.

You have been told the same thing about 50 times. She isnt giving you mixed signals through MSN. She keeps blocking you for gods sake.

The fact that you think if you bombard her with love notes, after never actually being her boyfriend is making her block you, tell you to go away, then get a bf, but THEN send you secret codes through MSN makes you an absolute moron.

 

You are an idiot, stop wasting peoples time. People come on here to help people. They have told you the same thing over and over again and i think you seriously need to get some professional help.

 

If 100 people come on here telling you she isnt interested. If SHE tells you that, which she has, YOU think you know best.

 

WAKE UP, GET HELP, NOW!

[mythologymajor]

Im not having a go for my own benefit here. I am having an amazing week and thats because i let go of my ex when she broke up with me.

 

Good for you that you have let go. Please don't cast everyone else in the same light. Just becos u let go n that it's the right thing for you to do doesn't mean everyone else who's having problems should just let go.

 

When you contact her as a "friend" to tell her something funny you saw, it creeps her out, because you dont view her as a friend. You are texting her telling her you love her all the time. SHE IS CREEPED OUT AND WANTS OUT

 

I get no pleasure out of telling you this but someone needs to , you are acting like a stalker and you will NEVER get her back. EVER

 

That was not the situation. I understand u r bitter. No need to drag me in with you. Or is this some kinda shock therapy? It's not working.

 

When you contact her as a "friend" to tell her something funny you saw, it creeps her out, because you dont view her as a friend. You are texting her telling her you love her all the time. SHE IS CREEPED OUT AND WANTS OUT

 

WTF. You are really not comprehending... at that time, I WAS BEING A FRIEND. I WAS NOTHING BUT A FRIEND AT THAT STAGE. That's what caused me all this trouble now - becos i wasn't doing more. It staggers me that you know her so well. Just read my other thread properly, is all i ask.

 

Accept that , move on and start thinking about yourself and your life

 

I hope you are sincere, and you are really trying to help instead of vent. If you are really trying to help, pls do read my posts properly. Thanks, mate.

[mythologymajor]

She isnt giving you mixed signals through MSN. She keeps blocking you for gods sake.

 

So tell me, why is she unblocking me when my status says: "Give love a chance"? If she is so freaked out, why does she not just block/delete me for good? Why keep unblocking me? Why even respond directly to my msgs?

 

You are an idiot, stop wasting peoples time. People come on here to help people. They have told you the same thing over and over again and i think you seriously need to get some professional help.

 

If 100 people come on here telling you she isnt interested. If SHE tells you that, which she has, YOU think you know best.

 

And f******* stop calling me an idiot. You don't know me. If this is wasting your time, stop reading and posting. I came here for help, not be your post-breakup punchbag. And who are all these people who's been telling me anything helpful? There's only been one girl who took the real effort to understand and offer true insights to my situation. You? You read thru 4 long pages of posts in 30 secs and deem to proffer wisdom of the ages. Thanks, but i'll pass. I didn't come here for this, i am sorry if i offended you. Look, you owe me nothing, and i none you. Let's just leave it at that if u can't be more supportive. Good luck, ok.

[Sambo]

Buddy,

 

You are torturing yourself for no reason.

 

If she really loved you she would have let you know beyond doubt and she never did that from what I can see.

 

Your emotions are blinding you.

Edited August 21, 2010 by Sambo

[westrock]

Mythologymajor,

 

I can sense that you are hurting. There's no question about that. I think you want to do the right thing here. Yes her actions may seem confusing to you with her MSN updates and her blocking and unblocking you.

 

If there were a magic formula, we would tell you. Normally I am not a fan of NC and I am all in favour of reaching out and communicating to the person.... you have tried communicating with her many times and each time you have tried that she has shut you down except for some MSN Updates. It's lower than breadcrumbs you are getting.

 

Recognize that you have done all you can. The best thing you can do now is give her space and let her come to you in a more clear way. Stop looking at her MSN updates even if you know they are about you. When she does way more than just MSN updates, then you can look at maybe reaching out again, until then just give her space to think this through.

 

At that time, i was having major issues in my life, my family and financials... later when we hooked up again, she told me she gave up then becos she thot i wasn't interested. i was interested. I regret not doing more, but that's already past... just wanted to put the situation into context...

 

You say it's already past. But I would not be surprised that in her mind it probably is not. She was emotionally disappointed at the time and has probably never gotten over the hurt you caused her. You need to accept responsibility that a lot of what's transpired was started by your own actions or more accurately, your failure of actions.

 

People have major issues all the time. Ignoring someone you love only sends a negative signal to that person. If you truly loved her, you would not have ignored her at time -- but now it seems you are going too far the other way in trying to give her all this attention but it is only back firing and reinforcing the pain you caused from your failure to act before.

 

At the time when you were ignoring she was probably going through the same feelings you are going through now. Not fun for her, and not fun for you now.

 

I tried to leave her alone. Her MSN posts got more and more heartbroken because i did that... if she has another bf, why is she posting all these MSN updates? That's what i need help figuring out. It'll really help if u have a look at my other thread though - then u will see why i am so confused.

 

I went back and read your other thread.. I read all of it to get a better understanding. You need to ingore the MSN Updates. They are one step above smoke-signals. If she was really interested, she would be doing more than just indirect MSN updates. She would be on MSN Messenger actually chatting, sending you emails, texting you, and even talking to you on the phone,and wanting to see you in person. I see none of that. Did she even acknowledge the flowers that you sent her last time?

 

 

All i need to know is that she's happy with this 'bf' - i will stop all this nonsense the next day. she's not doing that. all she needs to do is tell me clearly to leave her alone because she is happy with who she is with. She's not doing that. She's miserable.

 

Why do you need to know that in order for you to stop? She's said she has a b/f... even if her MSN Status updates suggest otherwise, you have to believe her. For you to conclude otherwise is an indication that you don't believe her and you don't trust her, and I don't think that is who you want to be, correct? I don't know anyone who is single and interested in someone would tell that person "I have a b/f"....no one. The only purpose for saying that would be to have the person back off.

 

Your approach seems to be that as long as you don't get a clear NO, then you might as well keep going. You need to understand that maybe in her mind she is being clear. Her standard of "clear" may be different than yours.

 

 

I've been told by more than one girl that it's the MSN posts that reflects the real feelings of someone...

 

I have never heard of this. If that's the case, then society has reached a new low in communications.

 

i am afraid i have hurt her so bad that she is now too scared to open up to me again.

 

This may be true and if that case the only thing you can do is to back off.

Edited August 21, 2010 by westrock

[mythologymajor]

Buddy,

I feel for you I really do and I know what it feels like to have the woman of your dreams be with another man but there is nothing you can do about it and this is turning into obsessive behavior on your part and you have no choice but to move on and get far enough away from her till the pain and emotions STOP.

 

Your blinded by emotions right now and you need distance.

 

Hi Sambo, thank you for taking the time. First of all, i am not being emotional. Read thru my post in this thread. I was going for cold and analytical. If i was blinded by emotions, my diction would probably be suffering a bit

 

I am not wailing or crying. I am here to get help analysing my situation. You r probably saying i am being obsessive becos u think i am making all these up - that correct? the thing is, i swear to you, everything is as it is. i don't intend to lie to myself to get myself hurt even more.

 

I can say this 100x and I know it won't matter to you because your going to see what you want to see but you need to know that's normal we all do it BUT the reality is she's long gone and if she really loves you she's never going to know it till you are long gone.

 

Do you understand that?

 

No, if what u tell me makes sense to me, not only will i listen and accept, you will have my undying gratitude. I just want to get at the truth. Unfortunately, like i keep trying to tell my other friend here, my situation requires a little bit of careful reading, because the girl involved is a bit complicated, the whole thing is a bit complicated...

 

Can i ask you to share with me why you are convinced she is long gone? Why is she posting these MSN status aimed at me if she has moved on? Pls dun tell me it's not abt me - if u read my other thread (not speed read, hopefully) you will know why i know it's all abt me. There's not a single hint of the bf there. And i promise you, i am not making this up because i am delusional.

 

And yes, I understand that last bit abt leaving her alone. The thing is, i've done that. I actually overdid it. That's the cause of my problems, and what i am here trying to fix... pls understand that i am here posting not as an emotional response to my situation. I am in crystal clear condition in my head - i am here analysing this situation. I don't need canned cliches to raise my spirits. I need some help to understand why my girl is giving out all these mixed signals... thanks, bro...

[mythologymajor]

Recognize that you have done all you can. The best thing you can do now is give her space and let her come to you in a more clear way. Stop looking at her MSN updates even if you know they are about you. When she does way more than just MSN updates, then you can look at maybe reaching out again, until then just give her space to think this through.

 

I know... i am approaching that stage... i just need to do everything i can, b4 i get to that. I would've gotten there sooner, but the signals she's been giving me just screams that this is exactly what i've been doing wrong - leaving her alone. It's been a pattern i've repeated time and again, and i think that is why she is now so scared to open up to me anymore.

 

You say it's already past. But I would not be surprised that in her mind it probably is not. She was emotionally disappointed at the time and has probably never gotten over the hurt you caused her. You need to accept responsibility that a lot of what's transpired was started by your own actions or more accurately, your failure of actions.

 

People have major issues all the time. Ignoring someone you love only sends a negative signal to that person. If you truly loved her, you would not have ignored her at time -- but now it seems you are going too far the other way in trying to give her all this attention but it is only back firing and reinforcing the pain you caused from your failure to act before.

 

At the time when you were ignoring she was probably going through the same feelings you are going through now. Not fun for her, and not fun for you now.

 

I know for a fact that she was badly hurt by my inaction and still is. At that early time, it was peanuts. It was after her 'bf' bomb, when she actually called me after i emailed/ texted something really moving to her, and i said NOTHING that i have come to realise hurt her very very deeply. That happened not once, but 3 or 4 times. Pls don't ask me why. Read my other thread for the full technicolour treatment.... That's why, i sometimes wonder if she is now using her 'bf' to hurt me back, to pay me back for all the hurting... And for the record, i was not ignoring her. I never ever did that. What i did was fail to respond to her in the way she wished me to - she wanted a relationship that at that time i was unable to give her. I was not there when she needed me, but i never ignored her. I tried my best to give her what i could, but it just wasn't a lot, at that time...

 

And i know the dangers of smothering her. But i also recognise the mess i am in right now is the result of me not giving her enuf attention. So i m walking a tightrope.

 

 

I went back and read your other thread.. I read all of it to get a better understanding. You need to ingore the MSN Updates. They are one step above smoke-signals. If she was really interested, she would be doing more than just indirect MSN updates. She would be on MSN Messenger actually chatting, sending you emails, texting you, and even talking to you on the phone,and wanting to see you in person. I see none of that. Did she even acknowledge the flowers that you sent her last time?

 

But don't you think Menafee (the girl who's been a great support for me over there) got it right? That there are people like that in the world who have difficulties talking directly to someone, especially if that someone had really hurt them? She is not communicating directly with me for a reason, the only reasons i can think of is that she is unable to vocalise what she feels - she's too nervous/angry/upset/scared. Perhaps she doesn't want to get hurt again, and just refuses to open the door for me again? Not everyone has the same ways of communicating, and that's not factoring in the emotional distress into the mix...

 

Just for the record, the fact i actually sent her flowers does not indicate proof of my delusion. It just showed that i was made comfortable enuf by her posts to actually attempt something like that. As for her response.... i probably f**** it up again when i went 7 days without contacting her right after i sent the flowers. Going away on assignment was a piss poor excuse for my silence. I was actually really looking to give her some space, as well as hopefully put in some time of not 'harassing' her so that she might miss me a bit. Well, when i got back, she promptly blocked me from MSN. Guys, i am not playing a game here, nor is she. She is in real misery, as i am. But we are having so many problems that it's sort of overwhelming.

 

 

Why do you need to know that in order for you to stop? She's said she has a b/f... even if her MSN Status updates suggest otherwise, you have to believe her. For you to conclude otherwise is an indication that you don't believe her and you don't trust her, and I don't think that is who you want to be, correct? I don't know anyone who is single and interested in someone would tell that person "I have a b/f"....no one. The only purpose for saying that would be to have the person back off.

 

Your approach seems to be that as long as you don't get a clear NO, then you might as well keep going. You need to understand that maybe in her mind she is being clear. Her standard of "clear" may be different than yours.

 

There's a saying in Chinese - "Sometimes the mouth does not say what is in the heart". If everything was consistent in her insistence of the presence of a 'bf', i would get the message loud and clear. If she had a 'bf', why is she posting such vivid status updates for all her friends to see?? If she really has a 'bf', why is she so miserable all the time? Read my other thread - not one single post about the bf, or abt being happy doing stuff with the 'bf'. The day she posts those stuff is the day i know i end it all.

 

Do remember i've known her for a few years, i know her. We have been thru a lot together and i have done a lot for her, and she is a kind sweet girl. If she has moved on, considering the above, the decent thing to do would be to just break it to me clearly so that i won't be in this torture anymore - even if she can't say it in person, just send an email to say this: "Please, u need to stop. I have found my loved one, i truly love him. Please move on with your life - i cannot give you what u need from me" - it's not hard to write. If she wants to make it softer, just add in stuff abt "I really care for you and don't want to see you get hurt like this, but pls understand, we can never be together". Or if she wants to make it meaner so that i can get over it faster "just say please stop harassing me - don't contact me again, i dun wanna hear or see u again". Even if she's not kind hearted and thinking abt me, if she really just wanted me to quit bothering her, wouldn't she have tried something like that, at least?? She's done none of this. All i am getting are these half heated "dun call me" "dun disturb me". Even these alone would be good enuf for me, but what abt her MSN updates?? If she really wants me gone, why unblock me instead of just deleting me for good?? Why unblock me when my status says "Give love a chance"?

 

I just get the feeling she used the 'bf' word to make me upset or to see how i would react. I always used to react in one single way - to ask to meet to say goodbye - she'd then promptly hang up or block me. I've learned not to say that now, and she's stopped using the bf word until i left her alone for that 7 days.

 

I have never heard of this. If that's the case, then society has reached a new low in communications.

 

I heard of this from 2 female friends as well as manafee (that it's often the MSN or whatever social webposts that reflects the real feelings of someone)... I've been here trying to see what others think abt this, but so far, not gotten much feedback on this.

 

My biggest problem is that my backing off and leaving her alone has been the cause of this mess. I am trying to determine if she is testing my commitment by testing me and see if i disappear again (in which case i might have failed big time with that 7 day absence) - if this is the needle that finally broke the camel's back, i am truly f*******, after all the careful and patient steps i've been taking....

[mythologymajor]

She's said she has a b/f... even if her MSN Status updates suggest otherwise, you have to believe her. For you to conclude otherwise is an indication that you don't believe her and you don't trust her, and I don't think that is who you want to be, correct? I don't know anyone who is single and interested in someone would tell that person "I have a b/f"....no one. The only purpose for saying that would be to have the person back off.

 

Not to be glib - how abt making the other person jealous, or getting even or whatever? but to be serious, at first that was exactly how i treated it - the truth.

 

I told her i would love and care for her even if i wasn't her lover and can't be with her. Her response was a heartbreaking post on her MSN. at that time, i was too numb to react.

 

On another occasion, we were chatting on MSN (after her bf bomb) i even asked abt the bf, she told me this and that, towards the end, i was already hurting like heck... so i said something like, "I really have to stop caring so much don't I?" u know what happened next? She promptly blocks me.

 

After a few days, she unblocked me. So i said "pls dun be upset with me anymore" and she replied "only my loved one can affect how i feel!" and then promptly blocks me. I was stunned and did not know what to think. How do you read that? There are dozens of examples of this kind that i went thru...

 

And... to get someone to back off, surely you don't need to keep on abt the bf, especially when it's clearly not working.... and to make it even less effective, post absolutely nothing abt the supposed bf on your MSN updates.

 

I have come to all these realisations i am sharing with you after months of painful trial and error - i have learned not to ask to say goodbye, not to ask to be friends. I am not being delusional. You will see that my situation hardly fits any of the dumper/dumpee scenarios here... Going by what i've read here, if she had 'dumped' me, she'd have:

 

1. offered to be a friend - nope, she doesn't want to be friends

2. string me along as a safety - nope, she not doing that

3. avoid me like the plague - 50/50, ambigious signals

 

Am i missing out anything?

[westrock]

she wanted a relationship that at that time i was unable to give her. I was not there when she needed me, but i never ignored her. I tried my best to give her what i could, but it just wasn't a lot, at that time...

 

Maybe now she is the same position that you were in back then. Back then nothing she did seemed to work (at least in her mind). Similarly, nothing you do now will likely work.

 

And i know the dangers of smothering her. But i also recognise the mess i am in right now is the result of me not giving her enuf attention. So i m walking a tightrope.

 

You did not give her enough attention before, but now you are smothering her.

 

Am i missing out anything?

 

Yes, you are missing out on something. She's not in a position to be in a relationship with you. Full stop. You are grasping at straws trying to read into her actions / inactions so that they fit into your hope of what is happening. The truth is, noboby knows what she is really feeling, but I can tell you that a person who is in a position to be in a relationship with someone would not act the way she is acting towards you. You don't seem to understand that or you don't want to accept that.

 

I know it's hard for you, but at this time the best thing you can do while "walking that tightrope" is to do nothing and let her come to you in a very clear direct manner -- anything less from her is just noise.

[LosingitAll]

I feel for u dude. Its never easy or cut & dry when your the one going through it.

 

I'm probally the last person to give u advice especially if uve read my thread. But I do know how it feels to confess everything for to someone just to be jerked around. definitely not fun & very painful.

[mythologymajor]

You did not give her enough attention before, but now you are smothering her.

 

All i said was, I know the danger of smothering her. What gave u the impression i was doing so? How much is smothering, and how much is not enuf attention? That's the tightrope i am walking. Becos i know that not doing enuf has gotten me in this mess.

 

Yes, you are missing out on something. She's not in a position to be in a relationship with you. Full stop. You are grasping at straws trying to read into her actions / inactions so that they fit into your hope of what is happening. The truth is, noboby knows what she is really feeling, but I can tell you that a person who is in a position to be in a relationship with someone would not act the way she is acting towards you. You don't seem to understand that or you don't want to accept that.

 

I know it's hard for you, but at this time the best thing you can do while "walking that tightrope" is to do nothing and let her come to you in a very clear direct manner -- anything less from her is just noise.

 

I know she's not ready. I know that. I just need to find out as much as i can the whys and wherefors, so that when the time comes, i don't do the wrong thing. I just need to figure out why she's doing it this way. It's clear she does not want me gone, but she's also making it hard for me to get her back... And it's not a matter of action/inaction either... looking at it one way, there's no inaction - just 2 very conflicting actions.

 

I appreciate your words and support, man, i really do. I want you to know that i am not recalcitrant, and i am not blinded by my emotions. but your last bit abt anything less is just noise just doesn't make it thru to my logic without a proper rationalisation. I m not asking for one, ok, but everything someone does is for a reason. and the reason is probably becos of what i did. choosing to not look at it will defeat my purpose of studying this problem thoroughly. thanks anyway

[mythologymajor]

I feel for u dude. Its never easy or cut & dry when your the one going through it.

 

I'm probally the last person to give u advice especially if uve read my thread. But I do know how it feels to confess everything for to someone just to be jerked around. definitely not fun & very painful.

 

Taking your words literally, it could be possible that she's just jerking me around - to see how i'll dance for her. But that would make her an Oscar nominee for best actress for the miserable face she's been putting on the past half a year. When i finally confessed my feelings to her (this was after i realised how she really felt, via her MSN posts) i knew i got to her (again, from her posts) - i just failed to take affirmative action when i needed to and when she was waiting for me to. that's why i am resisting all the advice to stay away or walk away - becos i know this can be fixed, and i am not going to quit until the final whistle blows. i just need as many objective points of view as i can gather so i can make better decisions...

 

i am sorry if i fail to join the walk away club, but there's a time when you know u've found something worth fighting for. u just dun quit that. as long as i know there's a chance, i will fight on. I realise that not everyone here has that kind of conviction or found that kind of love. i am sorry i don't mean to spoil the party by not joining the bandwagon. telling me to stop or walk away won't work without proper reasoning behind why i should. i m not here to antagonise anyone... if there's anyone who can offer their views in a reasoned way, i would be so so grateful to hear abt it. If i only want to hear what i wish to hear, i won't be here.

 

I will also take this idea of putting myself in the shoes of an observer, and detach myself emotionally, and see what conclusion i can make... thanks for that