Is affair sex different than any other sex?

[jennie-jennie]

I react to the constant statement, made especially by BSs, that affair sex has some kind of special intensity. To me the first year with any man has special intensity. It is the falling in love phase which lends this characteristic to sex in the start-up of any relationship. Once the relationship stabilizes and becomes a long term relationship, this special intensity is gone, hopefully transformed into a for both partners satisfying sex life.

 

I do understand that for some WSs the secrecy and taboo of the affair relationship adds to the intensity even after the first year. For many though the secrecy and taboo is instead a negative characteristic of the relationship, certainly not an aphrodisiac, but something which adds guilt to the relationship.

 

Just a thought, could it be that those who find that the affair character adds to the intensity are indeed in the affair for sex only, while the others are in it mainly for love?

 

So OW/OM and WSs, what is your experience, does the fact that it is affair sex make the sex different than any other sex? Short term? In the long run?

 

Note that the question is posed to people who have first-hand experience of being involved in an extramarital relationship.

[bentnotbroken]

Is it truly a statement constantly made by BS or by some BS some of the time? Curious to if this is portrayed here on LS or in the real world for you?

[jennie-jennie]

Is it truly a statement constantly made by BS or by some BS some of the time? Curious to if this is portrayed here on LS or in the real world for you?

 

I was referring to BSs on LS. It is mentioned by some BSs some of the time, every now and then, it keeps coming up, as if at least some BSs think it is a given. It does not coincide with my experience, which is why I react to it.

 

I would understand if the statement was "Affair sex can be different than other sex", but no the statement is "Affair sex is different than other sex".

[YellowShark]

Interesting question.

 

IMHO on one hand "affair sex" has an element of imagined "danger" for some, so that could be an added element of excitement in some people's psyche.

 

And if she was married, then I personally would have a hard time having sex with her when I know she is probably then going home and servicing her husband too. To be blunt, I would not want to be sharing the same woman with another man. That's kinda gross when you think about sharing er...ahhh... "fluids" with her husband.

 

On the other hand to have sex with my significant other would mean more to me because of the commitment and closeness we share. There's a bond there that is special, and there would be no nagging thought in the back of my head afterwards about betrayal, right and wrong, fluid sharing, and the possibility of STDs.

[mmk1]

Yes, based on my five year A, it is different on a number of levels. It is the forbidden nauture of it, the usually short time to have sex, chance of maybe getting caught and also the randomness of it that makes it much more exciting. Also, its usually very difficult to predictably schedule A sex.

 

All of this is also very different than the "routine" and "predictable" sex with you spouse.

 

My follow up question for women in As is whether sex with your MM/OM is generally better than with your H. It was always my assumption, and confirmed by my MW, that our A sex was always better.

 

This went along with my thought that if the sex was better with her H, my MW would not be risking so much to have sex with me. Is this true for all OW?

[BB07]

I don't mean to over simply it, but sex with a new partner is always unique and different than it was with a previous partner. A lot of factors could come into play, the fact that it's an affair lends a certain amount of heightened feelings to it, because it is forbidden. It also could be very passionate because of a lot of aspects. There is the newness of it, much like it is with anyone who starts a relationship in the beginning.

 

I think after the newness wears off, it would be much like it would be any other relationship in that the sex is unique to the two people who are having it.

[jennie-jennie]

My follow up question for women in As is whether sex with your MM/OM is generally better than with your H. It was always my assumption, and confirmed by my MW, that our A sex was always better.

 

This went along with my thought that if the sex was better with her H, my MW would not be risking so much to have sex with me. Is this true for all OW?

 

Sex with my MM is better than sex with my exSO was. (I still had sex with my exSO a year and a half into the extramarital relationship.) The reason for this is the different characteristics of the two men involved.

 

My exSO has narcissistic traits and is quite self-centered when it comes to sex, while my MM is very caring and very turned on by me being turned on. So the intimacy between the two of us is much greater than the intimacy between my exSO and I. The chemistry is much the same though. I only choose lovers where the chemistry is great.

[YellowShark]

All of this is also very different than the "routine" and "predictable" sex with you spouse.

 

This is a theme that is very common, and definitely the cause of many affairs.

 

That is why when I am in a relationship I work hard to make sex with my significant other NOT routine, and unpredictable. I like to change things up, and try new things so that my partner doesn't feel the need to stray. I like to keep the romance going, I find that challange fun, and exciting.

 

You only get out of life what you put into it is my philosophy.

[jennie-jennie]

This is a theme that is very common, and definitely the cause of many affairs.

 

That is why when I am in a relationship I work hard to make sex with my significant other NOT routine, and unpredictable. I like to change things up, and try new things so that my partner doesn't feel the need to stray. I like to keep the romance going, I find that challange fun, and exciting.

 

You only get out of life what you put into it is my philosophy.

 

Very important. This is true of any relationship, since sex in an extramarital relationship can become routine and predictable too.

[YellowShark]

Very important. This is true of any relationship, since sex in an extramarital relationship can become routine and predictable too.

 

The part I really liked with my EX was trying new things sexually. That was the fun part! We explored all sorts of different ways to spice things up. Some of them we both enjoyed tremendously, and continued to do, while others we decided were not "our bag" and didn't continue to do them.

 

None of these solutions to keeping our sex life healthy involved - if I may be so crude - "fluid-sharing" with people outside of our relationship.

 

Some of the hottest moments we shared sexually were things we never would have explored had we both remained complacent and not INVESTED some effort into keeping things "hot and heavy." And with the internet there is no excuse these days for not taking a half hour to search for ways to spice things up.

 

But I do know of couples who don't make this investment together, so they look elsewhere - an affair - and that's when things can go horribly wrong.

[Summer Breeze]

Sex is sex. If you connect with your partner it's amazing. If you don't then it's lackluster. I've never cheated on someone so can't speak for a WS, but as an OW many years ago it was incredible not because of danger or time or anything of the like. It was the combination of the participants.

 

Serial cheaters and one night stands I have no idea.

[jennie-jennie]

The part I really liked with my EX was trying new things sexually. That was the fun part! We explored all sorts of different ways to spice things up. Some of them we both enjoyed tremendously, and continued to do, while others we decided were not "our bag" and didn't continue to do them.

 

None of these solutions to keeping our sex life healthy involved - if I may be so crude - "fluid-sharing" with people outside of our relationship.

 

Some of the hottest moments we shared sexually were things we never would have explored had we both remained complacent and not INVESTED some effort into keeping things "hot and heavy." And with the internet there is no excuse these days for not taking a half hour to search for ways to spice things up.

 

But I do know of couples who don't make this investment together, so they look elsewhere - an affair - and that's when things can go horribly wrong.

 

I like this. I totally agree with your approach to keeping your sex life alive and healthy. Good advice.

[YellowShark]

I like this. I totally agree with your approach to keeping your sex life alive and healthy. Good advice.

 

It's sad. Some people invest more effort into choosing furniture for the living room or dishes for the kitchen than they do in exploring ways to please their partner. And if you have a weak sex life, you'll have a weak relationship.

 

I remember the first time my EX walked into the bedroom with a wig on, wearing some new lingerie, spinning a sheer silk scarf in her hands asking me to tie her up... I just about lost it right then and there! HA!

[jennie-jennie]

It's sad. Some people invest more effort into choosing furniture for the living room or dishes for the kitchen than they do in exploring ways to please their partner. And if you have a weak sex life, you'll have a weak relationship.

 

I remember the first time my EX walked into the bedroom with a wig on, wearing some new lingerie, spinning a sheer silk scarf in her hands asking me to tie her up... I just about lost it right then and there! HA!

 

You got me smiling now, Shark!

[Trimmer]

I would understand if the statement was "Affair sex can be different than other sex", but no the statement is "Affair sex is different than other sex".

 

But if you take some BS, some of the time saying "Affair sex is different from other sex", then when you apply the associative principle and multiply it all out, don't you essentially end up with "affair sex can be different from other sex" anyway?

[jennie-jennie]

But if you take some BS, some of the time saying "Affair sex is different from other sex", then when you apply the associative principle and multiply it all out, don't you essentially end up with "affair sex can be different from other sex" anyway?

 

Thumbs down.

[September]

For me, the sex I had with my MM was better but on many levels.

 

My xH and I had a great sex life for many years but due to the problems in our relationship (prior to getting involved with MM) and because of the way he treated me, I found the idea of being intimate with him a real turn off. When there is not a lot of love left, it is really hard to want to get close. FTR, I stopped sleeping with my xH when MM and I got involved.

 

When I was involved with MM, the sex was amazing. We connected in so many ways. We had done things (according to him) that he and his wife had never done. We both craved love, affection, passionate kissing and intimacy and all of those things we gave each other. These were the things that were lacking in both of our marriages. We fell in love and when you feel that way, it's like you can't get enough of each other and I am not just talking about sex, it's the cuddle when you just want to crawl inside of each other because you can't get enough of that person.

[jennie-jennie]

For me, the sex I had with my MM was better but on many levels.

 

My xH and I had a great sex life for many years but due to the problems in our relationship (prior to getting involved with MM) and because of the way he treated me, I found the idea of being intimate with him a real turn off. When there is not a lot of love left, it is really hard to want to get close. FTR, I stopped sleeping with my xH when MM and I got involved.

 

When I was involved with MM, the sex was amazing. We connected in so many ways. We had done things (according to him) that he and his wife had never done. We both craved love, affection, passionate kissing and intimacy and all of those things we gave each other. These were the things that were lacking in both of our marriages. We fell in love and when you feel that way, it's like you can't get enough of each other and I am not just talking about sex, it's the cuddle when you just want to crawl inside of each other because you can't get enough of that person.

 

I so recognize this.

[cavedweller]

September,

 

So, he divorced his wife and you divorced your husband and you two are together now..Am I right?

[September]

September,

 

So, he divorced his wife and you divorced your husband and you two are together now..Am I right?

 

Cavedweller,

I separated from my husband close to a year ago after my d-day. His d-day was Nov last year. He got kicked out, was then asked to come home, he said no. He told her and entire family and friends that he was in love with me. He got his own place and things were fantastic, or so I thought then 6 weeks later he just up and went home. He was a real mess after that, incredibly torn. I believe he still is to this day but has decided to make things work at home. We don't have contact anymore.

[White Flower]

I react to the constant statement, made especially by BSs, that affair sex has some kind of special intensity. To me the first year with any man has special intensity. It is the falling in love phase which lends this characteristic to sex in the start-up of any relationship. Once the relationship stabilizes and becomes a long term relationship, this special intensity is gone, hopefully transformed into a for both partners satisfying sex life.

 

I do understand that for some WSs the secrecy and taboo of the affair relationship adds to the intensity even after the first year. For many though the secrecy and taboo is instead a negative characteristic of the relationship, certainly not an aphrodisiac, but something which adds guilt to the relationship.

 

Just a thought, could it be that those who find that the affair character adds to the intensity are indeed in the affair for sex only, while the others are in it mainly for love?

 

So OW/OM and WSs, what is your experience, does the fact that it is affair sex make the sex different than any other sex? Short term? In the long run?

 

Note that the question is posed to people who have first-hand experience of being involved in an extramarital relationship.

I've only had sex with two men really. But I had a lot of it with my exH and a lot of it with my MM.

 

The first year was exciting, yes, because it was new and it was illicit. However, I don't get off on illictness, in fact I dread it. I like feeling safe and comfortable. I would have to say that our sex life became even better as we got to know each other better, after our love grew and our intimacy deepened. I would not trade what we have now for what we had in the first year!

 

I think when an A ends after the first year it is probably because one or the other is looking for that newness again in someone new. I'm not sure love really ever existed in those As and it was all about sex for one of the APs.

 

Yes, based on my five year A, it is different on a number of levels. It is the forbidden nauture of it, the usually short time to have sex, chance of maybe getting caught and also the randomness of it that makes it much more exciting. Also, its usually very difficult to predictably schedule A sex.

 

All of this is also very different than the "routine" and "predictable" sex with you spouse.

 

My follow up question for women in As is whether sex with your MM/OM is generally better than with your H. It was always my assumption, and confirmed by my MW, that our A sex was always better.

 

This went along with my thought that if the sex was better with her H, my MW would not be risking so much to have sex with me. Is this true for all OW?

It could be but chances are, because she is a woman, it is more about love. Men tend to prioritize sex whereas women tend to prioritize love. Not true in all cases, of course.

[wheelwright]

Running the risk of all sorts of 'you serial cheater' responses here, I can speak about two A Rs.

 

The first I told my SO about immediately, and we were not M. So not a classic gaslighting A. The 'A' sex was mediocre at best. But it was like this from the first ONS.

 

The second A, the sex was off the scale. From the offset.

 

But that's because we totally wanted each other, body and soul. And we were ready to experience that with each other.

 

This latter meant I also didn't feel guilty at the time, which would have spoiled it.

 

I would say, that if you both totally want the other body and soul, then the sex will be, (um, which euphenism?) mind-blowing.

 

It is possible that if there is an element that thwarts this (EMR, inappropriate R for that society) then it might add to the mix. Like lets make the most of this, it might be taken away at any moment.

 

But this is only possible when the particular dynamic is already very much there. The body and soul thing.

[White Flower]

For me, the sex I had with my MM was better but on many levels.

 

My xH and I had a great sex life for many years but due to the problems in our relationship (prior to getting involved with MM) and because of the way he treated me, I found the idea of being intimate with him a real turn off. When there is not a lot of love left, it is really hard to want to get close. FTR, I stopped sleeping with my xH when MM and I got involved.

I could have written this post almost word for word.

When I was involved with MM, the sex was amazing. We connected in so many ways. We had done things (according to him) that he and his wife had never done. We both craved love, affection, passionate kissing and intimacy and all of those things we gave each other. These were the things that were lacking in both of our marriages. We fell in love and when you feel that way, it's like you can't get enough of each other and I am not just talking about sex, it's the cuddle when you just want to crawl inside of each other because you can't get enough of that person.

I forgot to mention BBM in my OP on this thread. Sometimes great sex has nothing to do whatsoever with it being an A, but with the partner whether he/she/I am M or not. Good chemistry is good chemistry and great love is great love. If you have these two elements (and hopefully you also have deep intimacy) then you're going to have crazy awesome sex.

[wheelwright]

I could have written this post almost word for word.

 

I forgot to mention BBM in my OP on this thread. Sometimes great sex has nothing to do whatsoever with it being an A, but with the partner whether he/she/I am M or not. Good chemistry is good chemistry and great love is great love. If you have these two elements (and hopefully you also have deep intimacy) then you're going to have crazy awesome sex.

 

I wondered about this. What is sex like if you just have chemistry?

 

Or just love?

 

Or if you care about the person a lot?

 

Or just intimacy?

 

Someone who knows how to do what you like instinctively?

 

Isn't all A sex different? Just like all sex?

 

I think this A sex is different is a myth. Most LTRs involve sex that is perhaps lacking in one of these fundamentals. (And most A sex too, I'd say).

 

When you have sex that involves chemistry and at least one of the other elements, you'll be away.

 

When you've got them all, you'll be well away. A, M, or even ONS.

 

But if you feel the person is your soulmate, whether you are wrong or right in this new-age concept, it will be blissful.

 

That's nice. (More euphenisms...)

Edited August 21, 2010 by wheelwright
silly stuff

[White Flower]

I wondered about this. What is sex like if you just have chemistry?

 

Or just love?

 

Or if you care about the person a lot?

 

Or just intimacy?

 

Someone who knows how to do what you like instinctively?

 

Isn't all A sex different? Just like all sex?

 

I think this A sex is different is a myth. Most LTRs involve sex that is perhaps lacking in one of these fundamentals. (And most A sex too, I'd say).

 

When you have sex that involves chemistry and at least one of the other elements, you'll be away.

 

When you've got them all, you'll be well away. A, M, or even ONS.

So so true.

 

That is why so many people take the risk in having an A I think. Why go get what you can get at home? They're looking for something deeper, something more, something more than, 'Is this all there is' as brought up on another thread.

 

This is true EVEN for serial cheaters (and I'm not bashing you WW:cool:). Most SCs don't even know what they're looking for until they find it, if they ever find it. They think they're just looking for variety, and they ARE looking for variety, they just don't know that INTIMACY is the variable that is missing. Until, of course, they find it.

 

Then no more serial cheating. Not wanting to get off-topic, just hoping to add another layer to it.