AllDayinPJays Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 When do you decide it's time to just separate? I'm considering it right now, but I love my husband. At the same time, I feel he's really immature and is taking advantage of my willingness to help. Granted, a lot of time he can be very considerate, but it's like how a little kid responds to a parent. He's draining us financially, where he spends his money on crap and badly lies about it (I had to take his debit card hostage at one point). He won't take responsibility for his personal finances unless I scream and yell. Even that doesn't help. Sometime, he'll keep up for about a day or 2, before going back to the same pattern. Perfect example: I helped him get out of default on his student loan by paying it myself. Over the last year, I've repeatedly told him he's got to take care of it himself. Finally, this week, he got the form to make the change. However, he couldn't be bothered to fill it out. I got so mad that I filled it out myself and demanded he sign it and go to the bank today. I have a feeling he's going to make an excuse as to why he couldn't complete this task. He complains all of the time about hating where we live (can't move if we can't save), how *WE* need to get better paying jobs (I earn 2x as much) and how our home needs to be in order (He won't pick up after himself yet calls ME a slob). He's been rather unkempt and won't make any efforts to do better. It gets embarrassing when in public. I'm surprised that no one at his job has said anything to him. This has been going on for the last year! I can't deal with it anymore. I work in a hectic field and that's in a serious financial and performance crunch (jobs are on the line). My 10yo cat just died. I'm suffering with a chronic illness. It's all too much for me. I also sadly have to say that I don't have any sexual attractions to my husband and haven't in months. Maybe I gave the wrong signals by helping him over the last 5 years (been married for 3). I'm trying to change that. At the same time, my mom gets upset because she sees what is happening with me. She keeps thinking I'll end up in the hospital or worse from the stress and pressure. She's offered to speak with him about things, but I feel it would just make matters worse. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I can even afford to go into marriage counselling at this point, or if it's even worth it. Sorry for the long post, and if I just seem stupid with my rambling.
edgeofdarkness Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 while u enable him he will do it. he does it bcos he knows u will bail him out, why make any effort, the more inept he is the harder u will work to keep it going. stop enabling him, propping him up, screaming, ranting and raving does nothing, less talk more action my gurl, move out for a month let him survive on his own, if he can, then hes not as inept as he makes out, if he doesnt its not yr place to bail him out, your his wife not his mother, he has one of those, let her take him back in.
Dad_of_2_great_boys Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Maybe I gave the wrong signals by helping him over the last 5 years (been married for 3). I'm trying to change that. My IC and I are working on this now. Something about compensating. Sorry I haven't figured it out yet..... Basically, he will resent you for the imbalance in your relationship by your bailing him out. And you will blame him for making you need to bail him out. Fortunately - it sounds early enough to repair or cut your losses. Decide before children are involved. Please. Sorry if this is unclear. But your scenario seemed to fit this. I'll let you know what I learn and grow.
dgiirl Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 It certainly does sound like you have a parent child relationship and this is not good for either of you. You really need to stop treating him like a child and start looking at him as an adult. The more you see him as a child, the more imbalanced your relationship will become, and the more you enable him to continue to do so. He is an adult and can make his own choices. If those choices do not agree with your choices, then so be it, but first and foremost stop looking at him as a child. If he was your friend or coworker, would you see and do the same things for him? How would you handle the situation differently? Second, seek counseling. You both are still in love with one another that things might be saved. If you don't you will just continue to build more and more resentment which destroys that love.
You Go Girl Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 You have to let him own his mistakes, even financial ones. I know this is difficult as it may come back to haunt YOU, but do what you can without jeaporadizing your own finances. This means saying nothing, telling him to do nothing, and letting his financial fallout happen. It also means saying nothing if he isn't keeping up his basic hygiene. I know it is difficult, but the reasons for doing this are clear: That you will end this parent-child relationship, and he will have to take on his own responsibilities, even if it destroys his credit in the process. People don't like to have sexual relations with a parent nor a child. This is what is destroying your sex life too--the current mindset of the marriage.
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