An argument with my daughters mother

[delnoire]

For the past two years or so, things between my ex and me have been fairly civil. The years preceding that were intensely volitile, with custody battles and lots of petty bickering. I had hoped that recent history had proved we had gotten more mature, but today we had the first blow up on a while.

Heres the short of it. My ex and her bf have been going out for about seven years now (he was actually the guy she had been cheating on me with when we were together). They have a kid together as well, who is my daughters, half sister.

I get my daughter every other weekend.

Well today she sent me a text saying that her bf's triathlon is on a sunday, which just happens to be on one of my weekends. She said she wanted to trade a day, so that my daughter could attend the triathlon with her sister and her mother, for moral support for the bf.

I told her that i'm not willing to trade a day. My reasoning behind that is that her bf isn't her parent, so its not necessary that my daughter be there to cheer him on. He has his own daughter, and my ex to be his cheer squad. I don't feel like i owe him anything. So i definitely don't relish the idea of rearranging my schedule so my daughter can see him perform at a triathlon.

I told my ex that if it was HER that was performing, then i would be willing, as she is a parent. But he isn't, so its not my problem.

So she blows up and says that i'm being unreasonable. That I need to get over myself.

For the past year or so, she has let me take my daughter out to dinner every wednesday, but when i told her that I wasn't willing to trade a day, she told me not to bother coming on wednesdays anymore. I told her she was being petty and was punishing our daughter by doing that, who always looks forwards to wednesday dinners with me. She says she isn't being petty or selfish, but that she thinks its best to minimize our daughter's contact with a person who is mean for the sake of being mean.

I pointed out to her that her bf has been mean to me, just for the sake of being mean, many many times, and that she never 'minimized' our daughter's time with him. (during the rough years, her bf was very disprespctful to me and would scold or ridicule me in front of my daughter)

She says I am the one being selfish and petty and that if I'm jealous of the close relationship that my daughter has with her stepdad, that its no ones problem but mine.

 

Sorry if this post seems really sophmoric. Just typing it makes me realize how immature the whole thing sounds, but I would love any advice on this. Am I the one at fault here? Is it her? The triathlon isn't for another three weeks, so any ideas on how to solve this would be greatly appreciated.

[Tayla]

At fault?...Not necessarily my choice of words to describe a matter that is in need of resolution and not the blame game.

 

I thought the guy was the live in bf and they werent married? So how can he be the step parent?

 

Fact is she has a blended family and deserves to keep the siblings involved together in matters...so I see nothing wrong in her asking to trade off....and NO its none of your business why she is asking...she is asking and you have the ultimate right to say yes or no. But because you "know" its for the event of the BF, you saw it as an opportunity to exert your visitation rights and give that little kick in her shin by such. Not very mature reaction but its yours to come to terms with.

 

As for her response, there again ...she is exerting her right to recind the wednesdays dinners in lieu of your decision. If its not in the visitation agreement thab she really doesnt need to recind...she can just have it stopped. Step back a moment and see the entire picture....Are you more upset that your daughter has a relation with this man and this blended family...What really was your reasoning? Are you that booked up in weekend matters that you cant bend and concede a weekend to be swapped out? Seriously you are both playing the Ace card and neither is going to win ...its a stallmate . Learn to bend when need be and exert when necessary. THis is a bendable situation .

[onthebrinkofitall]

I've been through a situation like this myself.. I mean, not exactly the same but I've done the petty court BS and all the arguing, name calling, etc. etc. If things have been civil for the past 2 years, what's the big deal about your daughter going to see her sister's dad in an event? This man is a part of your daughter's life. I would just switch a day. I feel like you're being immature and holding things against your ex's boyfriend but you're taking it out on your daughter.. however, your ex is doing the same thing by canceling the Wednesday dinners. Just as you have the power to keep your daughter from going to this event.. your ex has the power to take away those Wednesday dinners. Maybe you should call her and say you'll let your daughter go to the triathlon if she gives you Wednesday dinners back. Is it really worth it to lose all that time with your daughter for an extra day on the weekend? Let her go. One day, your daughter will respect you for your maturity in parenting situations.

[candymoon]

Obviously you are still single? Just wait until you have met someone and fall in love again. You might want to trade days with your ex to do something with your daughter and the new woman. You don't want to set this precedent and have her pull this crap when it's your turn. Call the ex and aplogize and switch days... Don't bother trying to save face. You will regret this later on down the line when it's your turn and she gives you resistance, citing this very instance, "What? You want to take her to the amusement park with HER? Remeber when you wouldnt trade days for the triathlon? So no. Ha!".

 

You obviously still have some resentment towards the ex's man for stealing your wife. It's been... 7 years you said? He has been in your daughter's life a long time and contributed to her upbringing financially, emotionally, and otherwise. He may not be her FATHER , but technically he is a parent/caregiver by now, whether you like it or not. Let it go. Give it a rest.

 

You will regret it later on down the line.

[Enema]

I think you're at fault here.

 

You're thinking about yourself and what makes you happiest, but you should be thinking about your daughter.

 

For the last 7 years she's known this guy and lives with him 90% of the time. She obviously has an established relationship with him and going to see him perform in a triathlon is as much for her as it is for him.

 

You should apologize, mention that it's hard for you because bf has been a right prick to you in the past, but you can see it is the right thing to do so you'll trade.

[darnia]

You are definitely the one at fault here and shame on you. So you are bitter about the bf being a part of your wife and daughter's life. Keep it to yourself. Let your daughter be a part of this guy's life. He is the father of her sibling. They are a family too you know.

 

And grow up.

[Trimmer]

I told her that i'm not willing to trade a day. My reasoning behind that is that her bf isn't her parent, so its not necessary that my daughter be there to cheer him on. He has his own daughter, and my ex to be his cheer squad. I don't feel like i owe him anything. So i definitely don't relish the idea of rearranging my schedule so my daughter can see him perform at a triathlon.

I told my ex that if it was HER that was performing, then i would be willing, as she is a parent. But he isn't, so its not my problem.

Can you please point out to me where, in this line of reasoning, you considered what effect it would have on your daughter, whether she might actually want to be at this event with that part of her family, and the possible repercussions upon her of the hard-line position you were taking? It's not about being necessary for her to be there, it's not about you owing him anything, and you shouldn't have been thinking about whether it was "your problem" - you should have been thinking about your daughter.

 

You're thinking about yourself and what makes you happiest, but you should be thinking about your daughter.

 

For the last 7 years she's known this guy and lives with him 90% of the time. She obviously has an established relationship with him and going to see him perform in a triathlon is as much for her as it is for him.

 

You should apologize, mention that it's hard for you because bf has been a right prick to you in the past, but you can see it is the right thing to do so you'll trade.

Agree, agree, and agree.

 

Maybe you should call her and say you'll let your daughter go to the triathlon if she gives you Wednesday dinners back.

I'd even go a step further - I'd just call and apologize, and say you're willing to trade a day with no other concession because you believe it would be good for your daughter, and that, separately, you'd like to continue with the Wednesday dinners, because you believe that's good for your daughter too, and that's what you should have been thinking about as your first priority. Because that's how it should be.

 

I know I'm being hard on you, and I'm very warm and supportive most of the time, but I have no patience for parents who can't see clearly enough to keep their children's welfare and development as a priority, and instead put the kids in the middle of their screwed-up ex-spouse dynamics.

 

You should have been discussing things as a father, but you reacted as an ex-spouse. Try to keep those straight next time.

 

Now, having said all that, I realize that this is an old post that got bumped up, and it sounds like you may have already passed the triathlon weekend. Will you tell us what you ended up doing, and how it all turned out?