kismet Posted February 17, 2004 Posted February 17, 2004 Hello, everyone. Just to keep anyone who may be curious up to date, now I am stuck somewhere between elated and terrified! As the divorce looks like it may be final in as soon as the next couple, maybe few months, we are beginning to make plans for my moving to the city that he now lives close by and has been wanting to move anyway-- where we've always planned to start our new life. We would not live together immediately... I am insistent on us each having some semblance of separate lives after his divorce is final for at least a little while before jumping into anything. I am so afraid of pulling up roots, so afraid of finding him less than the Prince Charming that I saw him as when he was unavailable, so afraid of being the rebound (though I have sworn to not rush into anything), so afraid of just the bad luck of (once again) being a bad judge of character and realizing that he's not the one for me after all! After all of this! More soon... Hope everyone survived V-day!!
Tony T Posted February 17, 2004 Posted February 17, 2004 Maybe your one of those phobics who's primarilly attracted to people who are unavailable because they are safe. If that's the case, this deal will go nowhere but down the tube unless you get some intensive emergency psychotherapy.
Rep Posted February 17, 2004 Posted February 17, 2004 Your relationship will be like a chewing gum. the longer you chew it, the less sweetiness you feel. and finally, no taste at all. you are just another women who makes him unhappy as his wife did.
Errol Posted February 17, 2004 Posted February 17, 2004 Sometimes fear is the best motivator to achieve and be successfull. Once you take the next step and move, you will find that there is not as much to fear as you thought. Congrats on moving forward! That is a great feeling, nerve wracking though it may be it is so much more rewarding than sitting still.
s.elizabeth Posted February 18, 2004 Posted February 18, 2004 I have at *least* three friends who married the people they had been having affairs with. Their marriages have endured the guilt and doubt. In every case, the person leaving the marriage was very much in love, and *absolutely certain* he/she wanted to be with his/her lover. Is your lover telling you this? Why are you insisting on this period of separation? That sounds self-destructive to me. You love him - be with him! Tell him you want him, forever, now! You have to be his partner - even in working through his guilt about his marriage failing. To tell him you want time apart is like saying - oh, don't make *me* deal with all this yukky nasty stuff you are about to go through! Go off into the desert and cleanse yourself then come back to me a new man. Well, life isn't like that! You two got your hands dirty together, but that doesn't mean you can't wash them together, and create a great relationship in the process. I am a firm beleiver in relationships being about rising above the low reasons we come together. There are low reasons and there are spiritual reasons for *every* relationship. My husband married me in large measure because I am (*please* forgive what will sound like arrogance but I have worked as a model) a "bombshell". He wanted this "bombshell" woman to cart around to make him look good. He had alot of insecurities he wasn't willing to face. He long had a negative body self image and I made up for it As for me, I wanted a successful man. I am an artist with the typical problems of not being a good businesswoman too, and he makes up for *that*. We had a successful "social" marriage for a long time. Then we had two kids, and I began to unravel emotionally. (Well, I've always had emotional struggles, but they became *intolerable* during my second pregnancy.) I was in despair. (Long story which you can read about in marriage forum). I went into therapy (which turned out to be no picnic, either) and it has made me reevaluate my entire life and every single one of my relationships, past and present. My husband and I are now having to figure out how to connect *emotionally* and really love each other. This is what marriage *is*. Rising above the sh*t which brought you together. Now that you have become this man's lover, and he is divorcing his wife, now is not the time back off! Stay in there and deal! Yes, you might get your heart broken - the guilt might be too much for him to bear - but alas, I am coming to the conclusion that no matter *what* the relationship, heartbreak is what we all do risk! It's inescapeable.
Arabess Posted February 18, 2004 Posted February 18, 2004 KIZMET.....my old friend....GOOD to hear from you!!!! I see your point in wanting to live apart and just be a normal couple after all the drama you two have been thru. I think doing some dating, instead of having to hide it, is a great idea. It'll give you both a chance to spend time in a different light. You may or may not find him to be the 'perfect' guy. Ultimately though, you have loved him and waited on him a long time. The love you've shared will probably over-ride the fears you both are facing. No one is perfect....and I'm sure he has his share of faults which will soon be revealed. LOL! Part of the hesitation may lie in the fact that there are just going to be people who aren't going to accept the fact that he DID have an affair with you and left his wife because of it. She has every reason to hate you forever....and you'll have to deal with that as well. You are starting a new life together....but a life with lots of baggage. It won't be easy....but you can work thru it together. If you get to a place of not feeling as strongly about being together forever as you have in the past....deal with it 'if and when' you get there. Don't let it steal the joy you should be having.
Author kismet Posted February 21, 2004 Author Posted February 21, 2004 Something that I often have to remind myself is that in any relationship, whether either person had ever been married to someone else or not, there will be feelings of doubt sometimes. A relationship in which neither person had ever been "the other person" has its own set of obstacles, true, but there are plenty that affect every relationship out there. Thank you, s. Eliz., for the reminder that an affair-turned-marriage can be happy and successful. I suppose my desire for this period of-- not separation, just-- time, I guess, is to prevent us from leaping into something simply because we are so excited to be together and we've waited so long. That isn't a good enough reason! We need to find out that we truly are compatible, and I think that seeing each other, often, like "normal" couples do before taking the next step, such as cohabitating or... dare I say the M word? He does tell me that he has never been more sure about someone as he is about me, and that he doesn't ever imagine his future without me in it, as his wife (his words). I just don't want to rush things. And, Arabess (great to hear from you too!)... thanks again for your continued support. You touched on something that is partly what causes the worries I sometimes feel. "No one is perfect." Well, that's of course true and everyone realizes it, but I wonder if he and I have both put on our best faces for each other since we only see each other as often as we do, and the little things, the characteristics, faults, idiosyncrasies, call them what you will, that make or break relationships haven't ever gotten the chance to come out! I would like to be able to spend some time letting those things come out in us both before uprooting my entire life! But I suppose in the twice-monthly (approximately) visits that we've had in the last two years, some of those things must have surfaced... mustn't they have? Or have we been on our best behavior every time we've been together, and if so, no wonder we get along so well! But there is more to it than that. When I think of how I feel when I am with him, I realize that it truly is something that is so special and rare... I am truly happy when I'm with him, and that counts for a lot. There are so many little things that he does, that, unbeknownst to him, remind me on a regular basis why I do love him so much. I think that I tend to feel more doubt when we're apart, which I suppose makes sense. Now I must go and prepare myself because... tonight I will see him! It's been almost a month since the last time we saw each other, and it feels like forever. I feel like a giddy highschooler, and for now will just concentrate on enjoying that, and him. Have a great weekend everyone! I will!
Dora Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 just stumlbed across this old thread, and was wondering if Kismet has happily survived?
KissMyTiara Posted May 7, 2005 Posted May 7, 2005 Kizmet - good luck to you hun! I hope you wind up absolutely, blissfully happy, regardless of whether or not it is with MM.
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