if you love him set him free?

[Capris]

or should i say: if he loves you, he'll set you free?

So what if he asks for you to leave so he can follow?

Ever heard that before?...

Im confused.

I seriously dont know what to do, im paralised.

He has given me a hint before saying "im waiting for your move" and now he says "leave and i will chase you"

 

I can understand almost all the aspects of his psychology here but... what to do?

I never pushed him in making the D decision. Some times im the one giving him advice on keeping them together. Not cause i want to but ( i dont want them to D either...well i do...but i dont...and it goes on and on) cause i cant make a decision for him. I believe its a decision they have to make.

He keeps on asking for help though. Not only directly, but with hints.

 

I am afraid he is trying to move the guilt to me.

I refuse to be blamed ,afterwards, for his D.

I know i am an active part of it,and im willing to take my share of blame from others, if it ever occurs, but isnt it different? I mean, there's a difference between being the OW and making a decision for him right?

 

So is he trying to get me out of the A so he will "move mountains" and get me out of his reach? He has it all. A "happy" family and an Owoman that loves him.

I think he takes me for granted and his life is too convienient.Meaning: his life with his wife is not fulfilling but he has a hot meal,clean clothes and above all share the same roof with his children, and has me who respects his family life deeply, but waiting patiently for a future together.

If i leave will it help him decide?Is this what he is trying to tell me?

Is me not pressuring him actually bad for him? We both know that if we were together it would be only for better.

I cant pressure him. I dont want to. But maybe im confusing pressure with the basics of dignity?

 

I know i can only get the answer from him, or by just doing it, but i would appreciate any feed back (is the word?) from people who may lived something similiar.

 

Gosh im confused..I hope i make sense... thank you for reading this far.

[bentnotbroken]

or should i say: if he loves you, he'll set you free?

So what if he asks for you to leave so he can follow?

Ever heard that before?...

Im confused.

I seriously dont know what to do, im paralised.

He has given me a hint before saying "im waiting for your move" and now he says "leave and i will chase you"

 

I can understand almost all the aspects of his psychology here but... what to do?

I never pushed him in making the D decision. Some times im the one giving him advice on keeping them together. Not cause i want to but ( i dont want them to D either...well i do...but i dont...and it goes on and on) cause i cant make a decision for him. I believe its a decision they have to make.

He keeps on asking for help though. Not only directly, but with hints.

 

I am afraid he is trying to move the guilt to me.

I refuse to be blamed ,afterwards, for his D.

I know i am an active part of it,and im willing to take my share of blame from others, if it ever occurs, but isnt it different? I mean, there's a difference between being the OW and making a decision for him right?

 

So is he trying to get me out of the A so he will "move mountains" and get me out of his reach? He has it all. A "happy" family and an Owoman that loves him.

I think he takes me for granted and his life is too convienient.Meaning: his life with his wife is not fulfilling but he has a hot meal,clean clothes and above all share the same roof with his children, and has me who respects his family life deeply, but waiting patiently for a future together.

If i leave will it help him decide?Is this what he is trying to tell me?

Is me not pressuring him actually bad for him? We both know that if we were together it would be only for better.

I cant pressure him. I dont want to. But maybe im confusing pressure with the basics of dignity?

 

I know i can only get the answer from him, or by just doing it, but i would appreciate any feed back (is the word?) from people who may lived something similiar.

 

Gosh im confused..I hope i make sense... thank you for reading this far.

 

 

The bolded paragraph Wow:eek: You really do have it worked out in your head don't you? He not only shares the same roof with his children, he is sharing the same roof with her. And your deep respect for his family life...hmm is that different than the deep respect for his family as people? No it doesn't make sense.

[pureinheart]

or should i say: if he loves you, he'll set you free?

So what if he asks for you to leave so he can follow?

Ever heard that before?...

Im confused.

I seriously dont know what to do, im paralised.

He has given me a hint before saying "im waiting for your move" and now he says "leave and i will chase you"

 

I can understand almost all the aspects of his psychology here but... what to do?

I never pushed him in making the D decision. Some times im the one giving him advice on keeping them together. Not cause i want to but ( i dont want them to D either...well i do...but i dont...and it goes on and on) cause i cant make a decision for him. I believe its a decision they have to make.

He keeps on asking for help though. Not only directly, but with hints.

 

I am afraid he is trying to move the guilt to me.

I refuse to be blamed ,afterwards, for his D.

I know i am an active part of it,and im willing to take my share of blame from others, if it ever occurs, but isnt it different? I mean, there's a difference between being the OW and making a decision for him right?

 

So is he trying to get me out of the A so he will "move mountains" and get me out of his reach? He has it all. A "happy" family and an Owoman that loves him.

I think he takes me for granted and his life is too convienient.Meaning: his life with his wife is not fulfilling but he has a hot meal,clean clothes and above all share the same roof with his children, and has me who respects his family life deeply, but waiting patiently for a future together.

If i leave will it help him decide?Is this what he is trying to tell me?

Is me not pressuring him actually bad for him? We both know that if we were together it would be only for better.

I cant pressure him. I dont want to. But maybe im confusing pressure with the basics of dignity?

 

I know i can only get the answer from him, or by just doing it, but i would appreciate any feed back (is the word?) from people who may lived something similiar.

 

Gosh im confused..I hope i make sense... thank you for reading this far.

 

Hi C and welcome to the forum:)...

 

He sounds a lot like exDM,

 

Your sitch is confusing possibly because MM is making that way...exDM operated in confusion most of the time and I got caught in it with him...personally I don't do confusion much.

 

Due to exDM being blamed for everything under the sun when he was a kid, he learned how to shift and manipulate guilt and responsibility off of him.

 

I found it difficult to play the guessing games and started making my own rules:D.

 

You know C, I told exDM on many occassions that HE needed to stop the lie...not the lie about him and me because his W knew, but the lying to himself which is worse IMO.

 

I am extremely bias in this area because I know what you are saying and I can't explain all of the situations in which he messed with my mind, causing me to think I was at fault (blame shifting).

 

During the D he did blame me...although I do have to say he was taking a lot of pills, and I'm not sure what kind or how many, but his personality changed and he got really mean. A couple months after the D he went back to sorta the person I met, although I do see that anger here and there...maybe he takes those pills sometimes when that happens?

 

The only thing I can say is keep it real and when he gets weird do not receive it. Try not to reinforce the bad behavior...hey take care C....and keep posting, K....

[Capris]

Thank you for your welcoming guys.

 

Hi C and welcome to the forum:)...

 

He sounds a lot like exDM,

 

Your sitch is confusing possibly because MM is making that way...exDM operated in confusion most of the time and I got caught in it with him...personally I don't do confusion much.

 

Due to exDM being blamed for everything under the sun when he was a kid, he learned how to shift and manipulate guilt and responsibility off of him.

 

I found it difficult to play the guessing games and started making my own rules:D.

 

 

You know C, I told exDM on many occassions that HE needed to stop the lie...not the lie about him and me because his W knew, but the lying to himself which is worse IMO.

 

Yes he does confusion and i dont, so i keep asking him again and again "what do you mean"? Till i can get it out of him. My MM has obvisouly some blame shifting issues himself. Im telling him the same about the lying part. The worst thing he is doing is to lie to himself. The problem is how can i get him to understand this without it looking like me trying to part him from

his W and family?

 

I hate what he is doing to himself and trust me, it has nothing to do with the A. He is living in a lie and trying to balance everyone else's life towards happiness, except his. He is sad. He is accused with a high temper and boredom and other stuff that really isnt himself. They are just what happens to you if you keep it all in for years, if you decide to live your life for others. Playing the happy puppet can get you deep in depression.

 

 

I am extremely bias in this area because I know what you are saying and I can't explain all of the situations in which he messed with my mind, causing me to think I was at fault (blame shifting).

 

During the D he did blame me...although I do have to say he was taking a lot of pills, and I'm not sure what kind or how many, but his personality changed and he got really mean. A couple months after the D he went back to sorta the person I met, although I do see that anger here and there...maybe he takes those pills sometimes when that happens?

 

The only thing I can say is keep it real and when he gets weird do not receive it. Try not to reinforce the bad behavior...hey take care C....and keep posting, K....

 

Well up till now we both know the A is both our faults, cause i knew what i was getting in to too. Im not trying to get out of my part of "blame". I just want to see my MM happy. I want him to understand that maybe, if he started looking on making him happy, the rest of his family will be happy too. If he starts admitting the truth to himself he would get out of his sadness and noone would fall in to it.

After what he told me about leaving so he can chase me, it does sound reasonable for me to do so. What help am i if i continue one of his life's lies with him?

How can i help by making him comfortable?

On the other hand he also told me that for me to just leave without having some bf to go to would be pointless. He wants me to be happy cause he cannot make me happy. He wants us to end but he does not want us to end.

To leave or not to leave?Will leaving make him act?

 

Thank you so much for your reply

[Capris]

The bolded paragraph Wow:eek: You really do have it worked out in your head don't you? He not only shares the same roof with his children, he is sharing the same roof with her. And your deep respect for his family life...hmm is that different than the deep respect for his family as people? No it doesn't make sense.

 

I respect him, his wife and his whole family. Im sorry if it's hard to believe cause my acts show different. Being an OW does not mean you cant be a caring human being. I love my MM and everything he carries with him. I care for what he loves and protects. It may not make sense but it's true.

[Capris]

Welcome to LS Capris!

 

You will find A LOT of excellent advice, sandwiched between some pretty eye-rolling posts.

 

Surprisingly enough, there are some fBS (former betrayed spouses) who give amazing advice and/or really clear perspective from “the other side” (which is important to see). You’ll find people who are currently walking in the same shoes as you - they’ll make you feel like you’re not the only one in this tough situation.

 

Do your best to ignore the still-bitter BS’s who get some sort of sick thrill and/or their version of “healing” by posting here in the OM/OW forum, taking out their still-present anger on you, as well as some fOW (former other women) who have become rather zealous in their “converted” state.

 

You’ll know good advice when you see it.

 

Thank you for your warm welcoming, im sure i will find the support i need and try to give some too.

[bentnotbroken]

I respect him, his wife and his whole family. Im sorry if it's hard to believe cause my acts show different. Being an OW does not mean you cant be a caring human being. I love my MM and everything he carries with him. I care for what he loves and protects. It may not make sense but it's true.

 

 

I didn't state you aren't a caring person. I don't know that to be true or not true...don't' know you. But most people tend to show their respect for others in action...what do your actions toward his family say about the level of respect you have for them? Your actions say you don't respect them at all...as someone else's would say if they were doing the same thing to you. It is clear his cheating shows no respect...so by association your actions........

[Capris]

Your actions say you don't respect them at all...as someone else's would say if they were doing the same thing to you. It is clear his cheating shows no respect...so by association your actions........

 

I cannot say that you are wrong. Though respect seems a value that cannot be measured.

Lack of some kind of respect is freely circulized in this situation. MM doesnt respect BS, BS hasnt respect him, thats a circle i dont even exist in and a circle that MM nor BS can be blamed for starting. I entered that circle with seemingly the same lack of respect from anyone else's point of view, except the ones to whom it really concerns.

 

How can my MM and i prove that we are respectful?

We can't. Any attempt to do so will only bring more critisism to a situation of a feeling only me and my MM share.

So for the rest of the world, i am a disrespectful little wh**e and he is a disrespectful son of a b**ch.

Somehow the BS always gets away with any lack of respect she has shown cause for some reason the act of infidelity seems way worse than any other form of no respect.

 

If or when the same thing will happen to me (truth is it had in the past), well first i'll search within me and mark my mistakes and rights, and then face the situation.

 

Im getting a bit off topic here but,these days i always hear women say : it's not your fault he is an a**hole..and they memorize it. I too believe so,and vice versa on the genders, but we cannot generalize this thought so we can get away with anything. You cannot be a b**ch and then say "yeah but then he cheated on me" and assume all justice will come by your side.

 

To close on the respect topic i'll have to quote: "He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."

 

if sin has levels so does respect.

 

Just a thought, i'd love to hear your thoughts and i will but i gotta go to work. See ya guys later.

[bentnotbroken]

I cannot say that you are wrong. Though respect seems a value that cannot be measured.

Lack of some kind of respect is freely circulized in this situation. MM doesnt respect BS, BS hasnt respect him, thats a circle i dont even exist in and a circle that MM nor BS can be blamed for starting. I entered that circle with seemingly the same lack of respect from anyone else's point of view, except the ones to whom it really concerns.

 

How can my MM and i prove that we are respectful?

We can't. Any attempt to do so will only bring more critisism to a situation of a feeling only me and my MM share.

So for the rest of the world, i am a disrespectful little wh**e and he is a disrespectful son of a b**ch.

Somehow the BS always gets away with any lack of respect she has shown cause for some reason the act of infidelity seems way worse than any other form of no respect.

 

If or when the same thing will happen to me (truth is it had in the past), well first i'll search within me and mark my mistakes and rights, and then face the situation.

 

Im getting a bit off topic here but,these days i always hear women say : it's not your fault he is an a**hole..and they memorize it. I too believe so,and vice versa on the genders, but we cannot generalize this thought so we can get away with anything. You cannot be a b**ch and then say "yeah but then he cheated on me" and assume all justice will come by your side.

 

To close on the respect topic i'll have to quote: "He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."

 

if sin has levels so does respect.

 

Just a thought, i'd love to hear your thoughts and i will but i gotta go to work. See ya guys later.

 

 

For the record I don't know how the rest of the world views either of you and sense that wasn't the my premise, I will leave it at that. As far as a BS disrespecting during the marriage....some do(I did) some don't. If disrespect is a thing used as an excuse for cheating it falls on the list of so many others.

 

I guess I don't understand, they are doing stupid crap, so let me respond in kind...seems the to be the thought process of a child (I've done those stupid things too and yes it was childish )rather than an adult. I personally believe that others actions shouldn't change any level of respect of how I would treat people...but that's just me. Even if disrespecting the BS is okay because of something he/she did, what is the rationalization for disrespecting the children, extended family...etc?

 

And FYI that scripture so many love to quote had a second part to it....The woman who was about to be stoned to death was told to go forth and sin no more....You putting the whole scripture in context.

[TOWinNYC]

After what he told me about leaving so he can chase me, it does sound reasonable for me to do so. What help am i if i continue one of his life's lies with him?

 

Hi Capris-

I do believe in the “if you love someone set them free” premise - with the second line being “if they don’t come back hunt them down and shoot them”. Just kidding! No, actually, the second line is “if they come back they’re yours”.

 

How can i help by making him comfortable?

On the other hand he also told me that for me to just leave without having some bf to go to would be pointless. He wants me to be happy cause he cannot make me happy. He wants us to end but he does not want us to end. To leave or not to leave? Will leaving make him act?

Thank you so much for your reply

 

You seem to have a lot of questions swirling around you, trying to make decisions based on that.

 

But really, the main question is - what do YOU want? Personally, I was in a lot of turmoil until I was able to answer that question.

 

Right now, focus on making yourself comfortable (not him). Try not to worry about leaving “without having a bf to go to“. Try not to think about how he “wants you to be happy” or things ending/not ending. I understand not wanting to pressure him into making a decision or not wanting to be blamed for his D afterwards….but the “leave or not leave” dialogue in your head (going in circles, I’m sure) will drive you nuts.

 

First, decide what you want (this is the hardest part, in my opinion).

 

For me, part of deciding “what I wanted” came from looking deep into my heart (lots of introspection) but also talking honestly to my SO. And he talked honestly backed to me - from his heart. Since talk is cheap, I wasn’t looking for empty words or false promises. And what I eventually found was something I didn’t expect - a plan and a course of action that we’ve BOTH decided on. At the moment we’re both on board with The Plan and he continuously makes an effort to keep me happy (actions speaking louder than words).

 

I don’t know what your situation is with him (besides the fact that he’s M) but when you decide what you want…it will reveal a lot “truth” and the foundation of your relationship with him will stand strong or start crumbling.

 

Good luck.

[carhill]

So what if he asks for you to leave so he can follow?

Ever heard that before?...

 

Yes. It's a mind f*ck. I've heard it from a few MW's. It's right up there with 'I'm thinking of leaving' and 'I'm not sure I can stay in this (the M)'. All mind-f*cks.

 

Regardless, do what is healthy for *you*. If staying is healthy right now, do that. If leaving is healthy, do that. What he does is what he does and you have no control over it, regardless of what he 'says'.

 

Love yourself and set yourself free. Good luck

[Fight4Me]

"leave and I will chase you"

 

I'm confused, too. Is he saying "break up with me, and then I'll pursue you" or are you involved with a S/O that he is asking you to leave, then he will follow your lead by getting a divorce?

 

I gather from the other posts in this thread that it's the former scenario, which would really confuse me too.

 

I am afraid he is trying to move the guilt to me. I refuse to be blamed ,afterwards, for his D.

 

If you were to "leave," how would he be able to shift guilt or blame to you? I apologize if I am coming off like I'm trying to be difficult, I am just trying to understand the situation.

 

If this is something he says regularly, as in he tells you to go, find someone else, and then changes his mind (push/pull), then he's really messing with your mind and emotions. Maybe he's struggling with the guilt of having an A, but doesn't want to be the one to break it off.

 

I would say that if you were to do it (leave), then it should be done without any expectations from him whatsoever. Leave him like you mean it, even if you don't want to, because he needs to know the reality of what he keeps asking of you. Basically, call his bluff, and go NC, and not just partially or short term, but really do it. If he really means to chase you, it should be done with D papers in hand. Don't mistake a pitiful "I miss you" text as chasing, either. At the very least, it will show him that you expect words to be followed up with actions, and that you are done trying to decipher his mind games.

 

Welcome to LS, btw.

[pureinheart]

Thank you for your welcoming guys.

 

 

 

Yes he does confusion and i dont, so i keep asking him again and again "what do you mean"? Till i can get it out of him. My MM has obvisouly some blame shifting issues himself. Im telling him the same about the lying part. The worst thing he is doing is to lie to himself. The problem is how can i get him to understand this without it looking like me trying to part him from

his W and family?

 

I hate what he is doing to himself and trust me, it has nothing to do with the A. He is living in a lie and trying to balance everyone else's life towards happiness, except his. He is sad. He is accused with a high temper and boredom and other stuff that really isnt himself. They are just what happens to you if you keep it all in for years, if you decide to live your life for others. Playing the happy puppet can get you deep in depression.

 

 

 

 

Well up till now we both know the A is both our faults, cause i knew what i was getting in to too. Im not trying to get out of my part of "blame". I just want to see my MM happy. I want him to understand that maybe, if he started looking on making him happy, the rest of his family will be happy too. If he starts admitting the truth to himself he would get out of his sadness and noone would fall in to it.

After what he told me about leaving so he can chase me, it does sound reasonable for me to do so. What help am i if i continue one of his life's lies with him?

How can i help by making him comfortable?

On the other hand he also told me that for me to just leave without having some bf to go to would be pointless. He wants me to be happy cause he cannot make me happy. He wants us to end but he does not want us to end.

To leave or not to leave?Will leaving make him act?

 

Thank you so much for your reply

 

ExDM was stuck, he didn't know what to do...I felt for him as I do your MM. An abusive family life growning up, then right into an abusive M.

 

They fed on each others drama for over thirty years, now that is sad. Like yours, he was afraid to go and afraid to stay.

 

He never said a bad word against his now exW, I heard from everyone else how his W and kids treated him (that is a long story). After weighing out all of the evidence I concluded that he was in a bad M and prior to that had advised him to start hiding his money (he had received a very large inheritance of which I knew nothing about when giving this advice).

 

Your MM could be caugt between "doing the right thing" and "doing the right thing".

 

Is his M toxic? I there abuse in the M? If so, advising him to leave is not a bad thing...I advised exDM to leave, but first went through the motions (which I knew was redundant) of saying hey, what about MC, IC etc., can the M work, if so go for that...but I knew his M was over.

 

I remember exDM used to say...I just need a friend, so I felt that was the best mode to be in.

 

This is a hard situation to be in, for both of you. I ended up going NC because I couldn't take it anymore, a few months later they separated and D'ed. It was a long drawn out game/D in which they used the kids against each other still...now that isn't going on and they are friends the last I heard. Sorry for repeating some of it, lol, was tired last night and should have went into more detail.

 

Now this is just my take on what I studied concerning the "casting the first stone", and to go and sin no more...Jesus was rebuking the judgemental pharisees (which He did a lot because He knew their hearts). He told her to go and sin no more as a condition of salvation, meaning He knows we are going to sin, and even do the same sin again, but to accept Him as Lord and His free gift of forgiveness. I don't believe we have a license to sin under grace, although it will happen....

 

Do you know in your heart that his M is over?

 

My heart really goes out to men these days...on one hand they are told by the hard core libbers that they need to step down, yet in the chain of command that I know to be true, they are accountable at the same time. I think that is why we are seeing so much confusion in men as of late. We just can't seem to hit a happy medium.

[pureinheart]

Hi Capris-

I do believe in the “if you love someone set them free” premise - with the second line being “if they don’t come back hunt them down and shoot them”. Just kidding! No, actually, the second line is “if they come back they’re yours”.

 

 

 

You seem to have a lot of questions swirling around you, trying to make decisions based on that.

 

But really, the main question is - what do YOU want? Personally, I was in a lot of turmoil until I was able to answer that question.

 

Right now, focus on making yourself comfortable (not him). Try not to worry about leaving “without having a bf to go to“. Try not to think about how he “wants you to be happy” or things ending/not ending. I understand not wanting to pressure him into making a decision or not wanting to be blamed for his D afterwards….but the “leave or not leave” dialogue in your head (going in circles, I’m sure) will drive you nuts.

 

First, decide what you want (this is the hardest part, in my opinion).

 

For me, part of deciding “what I wanted” came from looking deep into my heart (lots of introspection) but also talking honestly to my SO. And he talked honestly backed to me - from his heart. Since talk is cheap, I wasn’t looking for empty words or false promises. And what I eventually found was something I didn’t expect - a plan and a course of action that we’ve BOTH decided on. At the moment we’re both on board with The Plan and he continuously makes an effort to keep me happy (actions speaking louder than words).

 

I don’t know what your situation is with him (besides the fact that he’s M) but when you decide what you want…it will reveal a lot “truth” and the foundation of your relationship with him will stand strong or start crumbling.

 

Good luck.

 

In bold...that is too good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:lmao::lmao:

[pureinheart]

OOOOPPPs....I just read your reply to Bent and realise I repeated a lot of what you already answered ....too much wine and beer last night:eek:

[lilbunny]

Hi and welcome.

I can empathise with your situation a lot. Both me and my MM found it emotionally draining and there have been lots of times when I felt selfish for continuing the A and the most loving thing I could do was walk away.

Eventually I did, for the beniefit of both of us. He came back (with his suitcases) but I told him to go away and think about what he really wants without pressure. I would rather walk away from someone I love than hang on to them and make them unhappy.

 

It is easy for people to over-simplify and assume any MM or MW should just be able to walk out, looking another human being in the eye and breaking their heart shouldn't be easy. I feel sometimes that it would be kinder to let him go no matter what he decides because it would impact on his relationships with his parents, siblings, friends etc.

I think I understand where you are coming from regarding his family.

 

My advice- if you are going to 'wait patiently' then give things a time limit and give him the space to make a choice on his own, that way you are being fair to yourself and your needs, fair to him and if he decides to leave he can't blame you for pressuring him into anything (not letting him have his cake and eat it indefinitely is not pressuring in my opinion).

 

Chin up and take care.

[fooled once]

Welcome to LS Capris!

 

You will find A LOT of excellent advice, sandwiched between some pretty eye-rolling posts.

 

Surprisingly enough, there are some fBS (former betrayed spouses) who give amazing advice and/or really clear perspective from “the other side” (which is important to see). You’ll find people who are currently walking in the same shoes as you - they’ll make you feel like you’re not the only one in this tough situation.

 

Do your best to ignore the still-bitter BS’s who get some sort of sick thrill and/or their version of “healing” by posting here in the OM/OW forum, taking out their still-present anger on you, as well as some fOW (former other women) who have become rather zealous in their “converted” state.

 

You’ll know good advice when you see it.

 

not sure how this post is ON TOPIC or helpful....

 

Original Poster -- I am not sure I understand what you are asking.

 

I personally think if the OW has to 'persuade' the MM to divorce or 'nag' him or pressure him, he isn't the person you would want to be with as he could potentially blame you down the road for pushing him to divorce.

 

Maybe tell him that until he makes a decision, as in a solid, no turning back decision, I think I would back off and not offer him any 'advice' on the situation. I also believe he has gotten comfortable, like you posted with having his wife and kids at home, where his meals are cooked for him and he has a place to call home and an OW who he knows adores him and wants to be with him. He has it all....and it doesn't sound like from your original post he has any plans to change that. I am not sure how you reconcile your heart and head with that.

 

good luck!

[wheelwright]

or should i say: if he loves you, he'll set you free?

So what if he asks for you to leave so he can follow?

Ever heard that before?...

Im confused.

I seriously dont know what to do, im paralised.

He has given me a hint before saying "im waiting for your move" and now he says "leave and i will chase you"

 

I can understand almost all the aspects of his psychology here but... what to do?

I never pushed him in making the D decision. Some times im the one giving him advice on keeping them together. Not cause i want to but ( i dont want them to D either...well i do...but i dont...and it goes on and on) cause i cant make a decision for him. I believe its a decision they have to make.

He keeps on asking for help though. Not only directly, but with hints.

 

I am afraid he is trying to move the guilt to me.

I refuse to be blamed ,afterwards, for his D.

I know i am an active part of it,and im willing to take my share of blame from others, if it ever occurs, but isnt it different? I mean, there's a difference between being the OW and making a decision for him right?

 

So is he trying to get me out of the A so he will "move mountains" and get me out of his reach? He has it all. A "happy" family and an Owoman that loves him.

I think he takes me for granted and his life is too convienient.Meaning: his life with his wife is not fulfilling but he has a hot meal,clean clothes and above all share the same roof with his children, and has me who respects his family life deeply, but waiting patiently for a future together.

If i leave will it help him decide?Is this what he is trying to tell me?

Is me not pressuring him actually bad for him? We both know that if we were together it would be only for better.

I cant pressure him. I dont want to. But maybe im confusing pressure with the basics of dignity?

 

I know i can only get the answer from him, or by just doing it, but i would appreciate any feed back (is the word?) from people who may lived something similiar.

 

Gosh im confused..I hope i make sense... thank you for reading this far.

 

Mostly I read other resonses first, but this one didn't make me want to.

 

Because yes, you are unsure of your dignity. Sounds like you are in deep, and worried you are the reason for a split, and you don't want that.

 

I'm not sure I get that, but most others do so ignore me.

 

But if this is how you feel, get out and give him the space to decide. make his life with you ot without you.

 

He can't decide with you there, in the curent climate.

 

Best wishes to your hurting heart.

 

WW

[GreenEyedLady]

I am wondering this: Why do you care what he means?

 

It is not what he says that matters, it is what he does that counts.

 

Do not put the ball in his court, it is in yours. You can stay or go. You have a choice. He cannot make that choice for you, unless you let him.

 

He sounds very controlling and manipulative. See him for who he is. A man who loves a woman does make her unravel the meaning in his words: he shows her what he means by his actions.

 

GEL

[bentnotbroken]

ExDM was stuck, he didn't know what to do...I felt for him as I do your MM. An abusive family life growning up, then right into an abusive M.

 

They fed on each others drama for over thirty years, now that is sad. Like yours, he was afraid to go and afraid to stay.

 

He never said a bad word against his now exW, I heard from everyone else how his W and kids treated him (that is a long story). After weighing out all of the evidence I concluded that he was in a bad M and prior to that had advised him to start hiding his money (he had received a very large inheritance of which I knew nothing about when giving this advice).

 

Your MM could be caugt between "doing the right thing" and "doing the right thing".

 

Is his M toxic? I there abuse in the M? If so, advising him to leave is not a bad thing...I advised exDM to leave, but first went through the motions (which I knew was redundant) of saying hey, what about MC, IC etc., can the M work, if so go for that...but I knew his M was over.

 

I remember exDM used to say...I just need a friend, so I felt that was the best mode to be in.

 

This is a hard situation to be in, for both of you. I ended up going NC because I couldn't take it anymore, a few months later they separated and D'ed. It was a long drawn out game/D in which they used the kids against each other still...now that isn't going on and they are friends the last I heard. Sorry for repeating some of it, lol, was tired last night and should have went into more detail.

 

Now this is just my take on what I studied concerning the "casting the first stone", and to go and sin no more...Jesus was rebuking the judgemental pharisees (which He did a lot because He knew their hearts). He told her to go and sin no more as a condition of salvation, meaning He knows we are going to sin, and even do the same sin again, but to accept Him as Lord and His free gift of forgiveness. I don't believe we have a license to sin under grace, although it will happen....

 

Do you know in your heart that his M is over?

 

My heart really goes out to men these days...on one hand they are told by the hard core libbers that they need to step down, yet in the chain of command that I know to be true, they are accountable at the same time. I think that is why we are seeing so much confusion in men as of late. We just can't seem to hit a happy medium.

 

 

He indeed was talking to those who would pick and chose who to condemn for their sins(sense it was usually the poor and the women and not all sinners, even if they were committing the same sins) But his response to the woman wasn't based on the premise that she would never sin again. He knew that she would(we all do) she was committing adultery and he told her to not do that again(sin no more).

 

You are correct that He knows our hearts and he said that our hearts are deceitful above all things and desperately wicked(jer. 17:9), but he knows what we do and what we think(v.10). Forgiveness is ours just for the asking(whew:o)but like any good parent, He will get tired of us doing the same crap over and over again.

 

Again to the OP, it was just me questioning your statement about respecting his family life, not about your relationship with him in general.

[Capris]

Last time i tried to respond it took me half an hour to write everything and then my internet failed once i hit the reply button with no saves:(

 

I'll try to make it quik and on topic.

You guys were right about the biblical story, i guess i was using it as i wanted just to mild my guilt. As for the respect thing, im living a respectful relationship i just cant prove it.

 

After all of the replies and lots of thinking im trying to talk him through this situation. I want to help him and us get through this A. Meaning it will end as an affair. I love the "its D papers or its nothing at all" , but i love him too much to be so harsh. Anyways, i will try to go for it, it will take time so you will see me in here with my ups and downs and paranoia alot.

Thank you all for your replies, its good food for my thoughts!

[bentnotbroken]

Last time i tried to respond it took me half an hour to write everything and then my internet failed once i hit the reply button with no saves:(

 

I'll try to make it quik and on topic.

You guys were right about the biblical story, i guess i was using it as i wanted just to mild my guilt. As for the respect thing, im living a respectful relationship i just cant prove it.

 

After all of the replies and lots of thinking im trying to talk him through this situation. I want to help him and us get through this A. Meaning it will end as an affair. I love the "its D papers or its nothing at all" , but i love him too much to be so harsh. Anyways, i will try to go for it, it will take time so you will see me in here with my ups and downs and paranoia alot.

Thank you all for your replies, its good food for my thoughts!

 

 

You don't have to prove anything to anyone. You have to just be willing to live with your decisions and the consequences that go along with those choices.

[Capris]

You don't have to prove anything to anyone. You have to just be willing to live with your decisions and the consequences that go along with those choices.

 

 

True. Im sure one reason the A is slowed down is the lack of guts from both of us to do so. Im coming to realise that the right thing to do for all of us is to either push or let go. I cant do either. But i cant continue waiting, more people than i thought is hanging on what we decide..I have to find the courage and time to strike up this conversation with him.