Reconciliation sex...the best ever!!!

[hunnybea]

Thanks...that gives me some hope. I'm glad you posted that.

[bentnotbroken]

I am a little confused, Spark. I reread your OP. It sounds to me like hysterical bonding, but still going on after three years?

 

As the hurt caused by the extramarital relationship subsides, there ought to be a difference in quality in the sex life long term compared to the sex life closely after Dday. That is my experience, and perhaps yours, perhaps I am just not seeing that in your post?

 

 

As you said "sounds like". 3 years out...is not hysterical bonding. It is commitment of a husband and wife to loving each other deeply, intimately..the way God designed it.

[Allthehurt]

Spark

 

I too am trying to woo my wife back and you sound just like her. Can you tell me in detail what your husband is doing for you now or some of the romantic things he did in the past please?

 

 

I too want that spark back in my marriage.

[jennie-jennie]

I come to LS with my pain and my weightier concerns and questions, and everyone here has really been very helpful to me.

 

But I thought it was time to write of the joyous parts of our reconciliation, because if there wasn't amazing joy....of course I wouldn't be here to wade through the tougher issues.

 

It sounds like you are doing the same evaluation of the pros and cons of the relationship as the OW/OM do!

[jennie-jennie]

As you said "sounds like". 3 years out...is not hysterical bonding. It is commitment of a husband and wife to loving each other deeply, intimately..the way God designed it.

 

That is what I would think too, but Spark is not differentiating between the two. In fact she states:

 

Jeez...It has been so painful...but so amazing in it's romance and eroticism and profound intimacy and it all continues to this day.

[Spark1111]

Spark, two thumbs up on getting over your H's A and getting the M back on track! But this?

 

 

 

OH PUHLEEZE!!!! Like he would EVER admit to you what the two of them did behind closed doors. Come on, you're smarter than that - aren't you?

 

But the flip side is, who cares? Since the two are you are having "amazing reconciliation sex". Lucky for you, you're not like that poor lady whose H was into BDSM and she really didn't know to what extent!

 

LilyBart, sex is one intimate experience and very telling, especially after an affair.

 

When we first started hysterical bonding, it was about.....2 weeks after DDay. I did not want to stay married to him, but boy we always loved the physical aspects of each other.

 

It was if I had decided, no matter what the future holds, I will hold onto this as long as I can.

 

Hell, it's my husband and I have a right to, even if he becomes my xH.

 

So, what was painful is he had a few new moves. I knew he learned them elsewhere and that did hurt me emotionally.

 

But it was a few, and in the same order and sequence everytime. Plus, if this makes sense, he was too polite, almost too sensitive and caring during the act. Like he had adopted a different personna. It did grow boring.

 

When I unleased my hot monkey, because at that point who the hell cared, he did too. Big time. A big change. A big passion. Amazing.

[Spark1111]

I am a little confused, Spark. I reread your OP. It sounds to me like hysterical bonding, but still going on after three years?

 

As the hurt caused by the extramarital relationship subsides, there ought to be a difference in quality in the sex life long term compared to the sex life closely after Dday. That is my experience, and perhaps yours, perhaps I am just not seeing that in your post?

 

Jennie, the hysterical bonding has been over for a very long time. To me, that was a period that lasted for about a year and a half; it is a little desperate in the sense that it is fueled by a sense of loss.

 

What if we/I can't do this? What if this is the last time we do this? I may need to pack a bag and move on. I may never see you again. Very dramatic.

 

So it's hot for it's intensity and sadness. Similiar to affair sex, I would imagine.

 

But now? Now it is just constant and joyous and doubt-free.

 

And that's is what never made sense to me. He told his OW we rarely to never had sex. I didn't love him. We no longer connected.

 

We had sex at least twice a week during his affair. There were times I think he tried to avoid it, but he never could if I initiated.

 

It was/is a fundamental sign of the health of our union, no matter how he tried to delude himself and consequently, her.

[Spark1111]

It sounds like you are doing the same evaluation of the pros and cons of the relationship as the OW/OM do!

 

Oh absolutely but with one real caveat:

 

He relentlessly pursued me to return to the marriage; pulled out all the stops; couldn't keep his hands off of me.

 

And probably, cowardly, would not tell his OW the truth of it all. Had to let her down gently to spare her feelings....the kids, the assets, blah, blah, blah.

 

I analyzed the cell phone records. He turned on a dime. And I think it is sad that some do not realize what they value until it is walking out the door.

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie, the hysterical bonding has been over for a very long time. To me, that was a period that lasted for about a year and a half; it is a little desperate in the sense that it is fueled by a sense of loss.

 

What if we/I can't do this? What if this is the last time we do this? I may need to pack a bag and move on. I may never see you again. Very dramatic.

 

Thanks for clarifying. I did find it strange if the hysterical bonding was still going on.

So it's hot for it's intensity and sadness. Similiar to affair sex, I would imagine.

To me affair sex is like sex in any regular relationship. The first year you are not sure whether it is going to be a lasting relationship or not. After that you realize you are in a long term relationship where you do not have to fear the other one is leaving. The intensity of the first year of falling in love turns into a more regular sex life.

But now? Now it is just constant and joyous and doubt-free.

 

And that's is what never made sense to me. He told his OW we rarely to never had sex. I didn't love him. We no longer connected.

 

We had sex at least twice a week during his affair. There were times I think he tried to avoid it, but he never could if I initiated.

I have a lot of experience being the BS as you most likely know. Most of the times my SO was still having sex with me. Although with some OW where it became more serious, our sex life stopped. Lots of excuses made for this.

It was/is a fundamental sign of the health of our union, no matter how he tried to delude himself and consequently, her.

I can't comment on your relationship obviously. What I can say is that I know that my MM and I had sex with our respective partners for 1 1/2 years parallel to our relationship, so in my experience it is possible to have two sexual relationships going at the same time. As time passed, the sexual relationship we had with our partners became less and less important until it finally died totally.

 

With my exSOs, when they were the WSs, I have had the opposite happen, where their relationship to the OW ended and our relationship was as good as or better than ever before. It looks to me like that is what has happened to you and your husband. That is something to be happy about!

[cavedweller]

Spark,

 

I was married 17 years to a serial cheater..

 

After I caught her in one of her affairs she became the perfect mate..

 

ie:

 

love, affection, attention, hot sex, coffee in bed, hot romantic weekend trips, ect. ect...

 

It was all a put on and a smoke screen.

 

I am telling you my story, because, there are a lot of people out there that lie, cheat and deceive..

 

As they say--"Watch out when the honeymoon is over."

 

Beware of the perfect spouse...(they may be hiding something)

 

my 2 cents

[Spark1111]

Spark,

 

I was married 17 years to a serial cheater..

 

After I caught her in one of her affairs she became the perfect mate..

 

ie:

 

love, affection, attention, hot sex, coffee in bed, hot romantic weekend trips, ect. ect...

 

It was all a put on and a smoke screen.

 

I am telling you my story, because, there are a lot of people out there that lie, cheat and deceive..

 

As they say--"Watch out when the honeymoon is over."

 

Beware of the perfect spouse...(they may be hiding something)

 

my 2 cents

 

Cavedweller, I am so sorry you endured this. Your trust must be completely shattered.

 

One thing I have learned in all of this is that nothing is certain, not ever.

 

And as long as I have the greatest trust in me, I will be okay.

 

Because nothing can hurt me as much as his affair did. Ever.

[Summer Breeze]

Well, I have to say I thought the OP was a joke at first. When I read responses I realized it was serious. So I went back over some of your older posts and remembered some I've read for a few months and have come to the conclusion it appears you're trying to convince yourself how wonderful life is now.

 

I said it appears.

 

You say things about their sex being boring and someone countered it-what makes you think you can believe him anymore than the OW should have. My ex MM made nicey nice with his W 2 times and the second time it went on for 3 years before I got tired of it all. She didn't have a clue what was going on and I don't know to this day if she does. All the BS say that no one knows what goes on in a M, well no one knows what goes on in an A either.

 

You come across as protesting too much quite often. I hope it's all as rosy and wonderful as you say it is.

 

As for R sex or A sex. I found A sex was much better. R sex was wonderful, but there was always a point I laid there and looked at the man who betrayed me like no other. Pretty well spoiled anything else that had gone on. I finally gave up because I found myself doing just what it appears you are-trying to convince myself. Know who finally showed me that? A gay friend who had been in the closet most of his life. He told me I was acting just like he had been before he admitted he couldn't admit what his life really was.

 

I hope you truly are as happy as you say, but I doubt it. I know my opinion really doesn't matter and that's fine. My opinion and I hope I'm wrong.

[Spark1111]

Well, I have to say I thought the OP was a joke at first. When I read responses I realized it was serious. So I went back over some of your older posts and remembered some I've read for a few months and have come to the conclusion it appears you're trying to convince yourself how wonderful life is now.

 

I said it appears.

 

You say things about their sex being boring and someone countered it-what makes you think you can believe him anymore than the OW should have. My ex MM made nicey nice with his W 2 times and the second time it went on for 3 years before I got tired of it all. She didn't have a clue what was going on and I don't know to this day if she does. All the BS say that no one knows what goes on in a M, well no one knows what goes on in an A either.

 

You come across as protesting too much quite often. I hope it's all as rosy and wonderful as you say it is.

 

As for R sex or A sex. I found A sex was much better. R sex was wonderful, but there was always a point I laid there and looked at the man who betrayed me like no other. Pretty well spoiled anything else that had gone on. I finally gave up because I found myself doing just what it appears you are-trying to convince myself. Know who finally showed me that? A gay friend who had been in the closet most of his life. He told me I was acting just like he had been before he admitted he couldn't admit what his life really was.

 

I hope you truly are as happy as you say, but I doubt it. I know my opinion really doesn't matter and that's fine. My opinion and I hope I'm wrong.

 

Wow, joy kill.

 

I have bled on these pages for the last three years; my hopes, insecurities, doubts, pain rage ad nauseum.

 

I have divulged personal details with great honesty. I thought it was time to tell the other side of the story; the one I do not bring to LS because there is no need to in my personal tale of healing.

 

The highs are amazing. It was the lows I needed to sort out here.

 

I can understand your perspective and your opinion, but it is not my experience.

 

And I would never talk myself into staying with a man I could not love.

 

He is not the same man.

 

But here is something that may shock you: I wish he had had the affair for crazy love and lust. I could understand risking it all for that. I was expecting that; prepared for it., almost encouraging that disclosure.

 

So why tell me differently? What did he have left to lose to tell me that truth?

 

Because in all honesty, I respected him LESS, not MORE, to have risked it all to have his ego stroked and to be told how wonderful he was.

 

And I told him that, many times.

[Spark1111]

That sounds like he was used to making love to the OW, and not just banging her with "hot monkey sex". lol

 

And I kind of agree with Summer Breeze.

 

This thread was in response to a fOW posting on being curious about what life is like back at home for her reconciling xMM. I don't think she was speculating on what kind of sex he was having. Yet, this is the topic of your thread? To tout how a reconciled couple has a lot of hot and frequent sex? I find that kind of thin and sad, as it seems void of any real connection, and sounds more like you trying to take a swipe at your WS's fOW absentia as if having sex means everything is dandy.

 

Anyone can have sex. If this is the first thing that comes to mind for you to report about what life is like at home, I think there are still some very large parts missing in the marriage.

 

I think a more accurate assessment to answer the other thread about life at home post-affair, one only need go to your thread about you following your WS around drilling him for details of the affair, and him providing you with trickle truth or flat out ommissions and lies, and you getting to the point of considering divorce because he wasn't playing by your rules and you being frustrated he was hiding things from you.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t181119/

 

 

I think THAT thread answers the other posters question about what life is like for MM when they first go home to "reconcile", rather than a relatively sophomoric account of hot monkey sex years later all over the house. lol

 

Okay, so what's your point?

 

It was devastating to be trickle-truthed to.

 

He did not want to lose me. He himself did not want to face his actions; he NEEDED to minimize his affair.

 

Just as he needed to MINIMIZE our M to his AP.

 

This is pretty common behavior.

 

But there was still hot monkey sex then too.

 

Sex is great indicator of the health of any relationship and its future success, is the point of this post.

 

Sorry if you find it sophmoric.

 

And just as OW/OW grow weary of assumptions or morality and character; so so BS grow weary of hearing how awful the M must be during R.

 

Yes, parts are awful and painful; parts are equally joyful and loving.

 

It does not work without the two parts, IMHO.

[Spark1111]

Spark1111 I posted at the bottom of page two, can you answer my post please?

 

Thanks,

Allthehurt

 

Allthe hurt, I do not know your situation, but here goes.

 

There are tons of websites that can speak to very necessary steps to try to heal from infidelity.

 

First and foremost, I believe is true remorse for your actions and the pain it has caused your spouse.

 

Second, no contact of any kind with your former AP. None at all.

 

Third, complete transparency. You go out of your way to tell us where you are who you are with; you willingly hand over your cell phone, email passwords or any venue in which you conducted your affair. You go out of your way to reassure us by your actions that you are being faithful and true to us.

 

You have caused us pain of a magnitude you cannot imagine. You will have to help us heal by allowing us to express that pain to you. You caused it, but you are/were our best friend; the one we trusted above all others. SO it's odd that we want to talk to you, have you answer all questions honestly, help us process the very betrayal you caused.

 

Allthe hurt: Prepare yourself. That takes tremendous courage to withstand the slings and arrows.

 

Without more info, I'm not sure how to help you.

 

But that's a start.

[Summer Breeze]

Wow, joy kill.

 

I have bled on these pages for the last three years; my hopes, insecurities, doubts, pain rage ad nauseum.

 

I have divulged personal details with great honesty. I thought it was time to tell the other side of the story; the one I do not bring to LS because there is no need to in my personal tale of healing.

 

The highs are amazing. It was the lows I needed to sort out here.

 

I can understand your perspective and your opinion, but it is not my experience.

 

And I would never talk myself into staying with a man I could not love.

 

He is not the same man.

 

But here is something that may shock you: I wish he had had the affair for crazy love and lust. I could understand risking it all for that. I was expecting that; prepared for it., almost encouraging that disclosure.

 

So why tell me differently? What did he have left to lose to tell me that truth?

 

Because in all honesty, I respected him LESS, not MORE, to have risked it all to have his ego stroked and to be told how wonderful he was.

 

And I told him that, many times.

 

Why lie to the OW in the midst of an A? To keep things going. I'm not saying that's your experience. I'm saying that's my perception and it's why I could never trust anyone who cheated on me.

 

I have read your posts and find you very intelligent and empathetic and one who plays the devils advocate at times. However, there are times when you seem to go ott about how perfect and wonderful it all is. I site Seren and Snow Flower as two who put across their new relationships in a manner that isn't quite so ott. This may be simply your writing style or that you are truly showing the joy in your heart at that moment. It appears false and ott to me. That doesn't mean I want anything bad in your life whatsoever.

[Summer Breeze]

Okay, so what's your point?

 

It was devastating to be trickle-truthed to.

 

He did not want to lose me. He himself did not want to face his actions; he NEEDED to minimize his affair.

 

Just as he needed to MINIMIZE our M to his AP.

 

This is pretty common behavior.

 

But there was still hot monkey sex then too.

 

Sex is great indicator of the health of any relationship and its future success, is the point of this post.

 

Sorry if you find it sophmoric.

 

And just as OW/OW grow weary of assumptions or morality and character; so so BS grow weary of hearing how awful the M must be during R.

 

Yes, parts are awful and painful; parts are equally joyful and loving.

 

It does not work without the two parts, IMHO.

 

Should an OW go by this as well? If so, my exMM and I would be married and enjoying life as he had always told me he wanted it. At the end I left him to his comfort zone.

 

I so agree with the pain and pleasure. Without one you do not have the other.

[Allthehurt]

Spark1111 I guess I wasn't clear....what things did HE do to woe YOU?

 

What did you lve him doing/saying for/to YOU?

 

Thanks,

Allthehurt:rolleyes:

[Spark1111]

Why lie to the OW in the midst of an A? To keep things going. I'm not saying that's your experience. I'm saying that's my perception and it's why I could never trust anyone who cheated on me.

 

I have read your posts and find you very intelligent and empathetic and one who plays the devils advocate at times. However, there are times when you seem to go ott about how perfect and wonderful it all is. I site Seren and Snow Flower as two who put across their new relationships in a manner that isn't quite so ott. This may be simply your writing style or that you are truly showing the joy in your heart at that moment. It appears false and ott to me. That doesn't mean I want anything bad in your life whatsoever.

 

SB, I think we agree.

 

Of course he lied to keep it going. It was cowardly and wrong and I told him so.

 

Of course he lied to me. For the same exact reasons.

 

Seren and I share a very similiar experience on many levels.

 

I suspect Snowflower and I do too, although she is a much more private person.

 

Sorry you find my writing style OTT.

 

But it is true; my truth....every word of it.

[Summer Breeze]

Spark1111 I guess I wasn't clear....what things did HE do to woe YOU?

 

What did you lve him doing/saying for/to YOU?

 

Thanks,

Allthehurt:rolleyes:

 

Not to speak for Spark, but if it were me it wouldn't be so much what he said. It would be how he demonstrated his honesty and desire to R. What he said would be secondary to how he said it and how he acted.

[Spark1111]

Spark1111 I guess I wasn't clear....what things did HE do to woe YOU?

 

What did you lve him doing/saying for/to YOU?

 

Thanks,

Allthehurt:rolleyes:

 

Trying so hard to connect with me emotionally, after a bit of a drought; to really understand the pain he had caused me, to EMPATHIZE with it, to speak of it and to LISTEN.

 

"I love you" did not work: I did not believe him.

 

How can you love me and betray me? Quite laughable.

 

My anger and resolve were relentless. It was not easy for him.

 

We actually started writing emails to each other. I could publish a book. In them we began to hash out every range of emotions possible. I could not wrap my head around this whole episode for a very long time.

[Summer Breeze]

Trying so hard to connect with me emotionally, after a bit of a drought; to really understand the pain he had caused me, to EMPATHIZE with it, to speak of it and to LISTEN.

 

"I love you" did not work: I did not believe him.

 

How can you love me and betray me? Quite laughable.

 

My anger and resolve were relentless. It was not easy for him.

 

We actually started writing emails to each other. I could publish a book. In them we began to hash out every range of emotions possible. I could not wrap my head around this whole episode for a very long time.

 

So odd you've said this. A friend of mine told me yesterday she and her H did the same when trying to R. We joked they were having an EA. That really struck her because she realized at that point how much easier it was to talk to someone with such anonymity, even someone she had been married to for 16 years, so how easy would an EA be to happen and get out of hand. That started quite a chat and opened our eyes a bit.

[White Flower]

But I no longer care because we are deeply in love and it is all good and really has been for a very long time.

 

I come to LS with my pain and my weightier concerns and questions, and everyone here has really been very helpful to me.

 

But I thought it was time to write of the joyous parts of our reconciliation, because if there wasn't amazing joy....of course I wouldn't be here to wade through the tougher issues.

 

Spark, I am very happy for you! I share in your joy over what has become a successful reconciliation.

 

 

Sorry if you find it sophmoric.

 

I for one do not find your OP sophmoric. I find it to be encouraging for any posters here who suffer from betrayal and hope to reconcile at some point after the A. You and your H are an example of how to overcome a major hurdle in a M.

 

Consequently, it may even play into your H's need to be a KISA but that's ok. You're too smart to let him fool you so I'm pretty sure he's entirely sincere.

 

I have found a couple of your posts regarding your H's current feelings toward his exOW interesting and hope you don't mind if I start a new thread on it.

[jennie-jennie]

Seems someone has reported Jilly Bean's post on your thread! It wasn't me this time for sure! :laugh:

[White Flower]

Seems someone has reported Jilly Bean's post on your thread! It wasn't me this time for sure! :laugh:

I noticed that too. If it hadn't been quoted we wouldn't have seen it.

 

I was surprised too. I would have thought JB to give kudos on this thread.