Dating and fear of abandonment

[Ruby Slippers]

I am addressing the topic and you can't control the thread just because you disagree with my assertion that many people use the "abandonment" issue as an excuse for their clingy behavior with men. I work with abused children with a lot of real abandonment issues, so I get what abandonment issues really are about, hon.

This is a thread for people to talk about sensitive and painful issues of theirs and people they have loved. If you have helpful experience and advice, why don't you offer that with a small side helping of compassion and respect, instead of telling us all how ignorant and blind we are?

[Ruby Slippers]

I think the best bet for someone with abandonment issues is to marry someone who loves us, but would be unwilling to leave for reasons less fickle than love; for example, a super-religious person who doesn't believe in divorce.

 

That or, accept the fact that we may be abandoned. And be willing to love regardless.

I think the core fear of a person with abandonment fear going back to childhood is the fear that they are going to die, because their caretaker will not take care of them and help them thrive. As a young child, this can and does, in fact, happen.

 

As an adult, death is an unlikely result of being alone or even abandoned. The adult needs to learn that this fear is an irrational one, and gradually build up their courage to stand on their own two feet and live. You have to be confident that you will thrive on your own OR with a partner in your life. Only when a person is whole on his own is he ready to give and receive real love.

[carhill]

OP, question first, then some background:

 

Do you or people you know who have the fears described in the OP ever say (or catch up short before saying) *'I can't be alone'*

 

I ask because much of the correlation of your OP matches up with my real life experiences in such dynamics and these have been the words I have heard directly. To varying degrees of intensity, these people physically fear being alone and make choices based on that fear and their psychologies, as told to me directly or demonstrated by their actions, exhibit a 'push-pull' dynamic of loving, where, in my case, they pull me in and then, once they experience my love, push me away. The person most written about in my journals did this to me repeatedly over half my lifetime. My *choice* was always returning for more, and the cycle continued. Other, more recent experiences with other women, some shared here, bore remarkable resemblance to what you describe, to the point where I told them directly that they seemed like 'two people', in the inexplicable manifestations of their behaviors. For myself, it's very unnerving. That's my problem though, caring too much.

 

Any thoughts on that?

[lso802]

And as a man, it always manifests itself as a pushing away of people before I can develop a strong bond with them. I have never been dumped; every relationship of mine I have been the dumper. I honestly don't think it's possibly for people with fear of abandonment/trust issues to be in a healthy relationship.

 

I would seek therapy, but I don't have health insurance.

 

Woo man. I can relate.

[Stockalone]

I know for some others who have admitted abandonment issues, particularly certain men I've dated, they tend to react the exact opposite from clingy: they hold everyone at a distance, maintain emotional walls, finding it very difficult to let their guard down for fear of being abandoned again.

 

In my experience, finding love is a high risk, high reward scenario. The problem is, I don't like to take risks, especially when it means that I have to gamble with my feelings. I hate the idea of putting a lot of effort, time and emotion into something so frail as a relationsip, when that relationship can end abruptly. Going out of my way to make people part of my life, giving them a piece of my heart, and then having to undo all that when the relationship ends. It makes me sad, and I hate it. I guess that qualifies as having abandonment issues.

 

 

They select partners they want to be attached to, but they will not let that attachment develop out of fear.

 

That never made sense to me. I mean, what is the point of being with someone if I don't really care about them?

 

That said, I have tried dating women where I shut off the feelings in the beginning. Friends were trying to convince me that dating shouldn't be about having expectations, so I gave it a try.

 

Not caring early on meant that I wasn't insecure and needy and women reacted very well to this, which confused and also bothered me greatly. It was a frustrating experience for me.

 

I also learned that if I don't approach dating with my usual expectations, I can't start to care later on. I never developed a true, deeper bond with those women. I am more like what you described under (1), an early investor. I am clingy and insecure in the early stages of dating. For me, there is just too much uncertainty in the "go with the flow", multi-dating, or whatever other non-committal approaches there are. I have to have expectations, otherwise it doesn't work for me.

 

 

I'm not sure anyone can become entirely healed of their abandonment fear. But I do think that a SO or potential SO can do things to quell that fear, as well as things to make it rear its ugly head.

 

I agree.

 

 

...was there anything your GFs could have done to help you overcome that fear??

 

I know that wasn't directed at me, but there are certainly things a woman can do to help me manage the fear.

 

However, I think that fear of abandonment, trust issues and some control issues are intertwined, or part of the same problem in my case.

 

First and foremost, the woman has to accept my issues as a real problem. Telling me to suck it up, or that "love yourself first" platitude won't make me want to overcome my issues. I need a woman who takes my issues seriously and works with me.

 

That means she will have to put up with the neediness and insecurity early on. It does get better over time, especially once in a relationship. At that point, most of the uncertainty is gone and the relationship and the woman is something worth taking risks for, every day and without questioning it.

 

My first relationship turned into a LDR (a weekend-relationship). I was happy, and although the situation (not living closer) wasn't ideal, it didn't increase my fears. Sadly, that relationship didn't last, but I think it is possible to have a healthy relationship. Nonetheless, some issues never go away completely.

[Star Gazer]

OP, question first, then some background:

 

Do you or people you know who have the fears described in the OP ever say (or catch up short before saying) *'I can't be alone'*

 

No, I don't think so. The fear is of being left, not being alone. I am alone now, and have no fear or discomfort at all.

 

For me, if someone appears in my life that I grow to care about, it's pure torture, the fear of them leaving me.

 

For others I know, the fear of someone leaving them causes them to never get close enough to even care if they left. It's a control mechanism.

[Star Gazer]

Thoughtful input, Stock. Thanks.

[sugarmomma]

In my experience, finding love is a high risk, high reward scenario. The problem is, I don't like to take risks, especially when it means that I have to gamble with my feelings. I hate the idea of putting a lot of effort, time and emotion into something so frail as a relationsip, when that relationship can end abruptly. Going out of my way to make people part of my life, giving them a piece of my heart, and then having to undo all that when the relationship ends. It makes me sad, and I hate it. I guess that qualifies as having abandonment issues.

 

 

 

 

The fear of abandonment is a self fulfilling prophecy that one creates whereas the fear of intimacy makes it difficult for one to be open and close to another.

[D-Lish]

Walking away might be good for THEM, because they protect themselves. But what about YOU? How does their threat to leave, or actually leaving, help YOU as someone with abandonment issues, trust them more and let your guard down?

 

When someone threatens to walk away, it actually kicks my abandonment issues into high gear. The whole twisted point is to push people away before they can get close. If THEY walk away from me- I panic, and make the effort to shape up.

 

I'll still have my guard up- but in threatening to leave, I will often relinquish some of the power to them in order to salvage things. It's simply a first step on the way to letting my guard down. Once I can give them a little but of power, I can begin to trust and relinquish some more. It takes time, and it takes a very patient- yet strong and firm- individual on the other side.

[zengirl]

This thread is about dating someone with abandonment issues. So do you ladies have any advice for those dating someone with abandonment issues??

 

Honestly? My advice to someone dating someone with abandonment issues would be, Don't do it. Not unless the person is really working to deal with their own issues and get over them, because otherwise you'll just be a crutch and it'll hinder the relationship. Maybe that sounds mean to someone with abandonment issues, but honestly, if you have them, this is likely a HUGE obstacle to you meeting the best kind of people because many people know how absolutely pointless it is to date someone with deep-seated issues like this. It's how the bad cycle continues.

 

My advice to anyone with abandonment issues is fix it. I'm not saying that's instantaneous, but this is not a psychological problem that is likely biological or chemical (if it is, it can still be fixed), so it should be fairly simple. Maybe not quick, but simple. What is happening is likely a combination of past pain/psychological issues combining with a desire to worry --- worrying actually lights up the pleasure center of your brain, and it is a drug, just like crack --- combined with a false kind of "acceptance" and validation of your issues. You are staying the way you are not because it suits you or helps you but because you have a good reason to be the way you are or you think you don't know how to change. The truth is, I don't know how to change you, but I am certain you can change, if you want it badly enough. Just as I am certain you have reasons to be the way you are----just not any "good" ones, if it's not making you happy.

 

Of course, this is all talking about people with a severe fear or phobia of being left. Everyone has an occasional worry or whatnot and no one likes it when they're dumped or left or jilted.

 

That's all runaround excuses that women come up with for staying with a guy who's heart isn't in it. Sorry.

 

Not really. When you're dealing with someone with actual abandonment issues, it doesn't really matter how "in it" your heart is. You can't heal someone else.

 

Generally speaking, if an emotionally healthy woman is not fulfilled in a relationship, I'll say she should look first at the partner. But only after she's understood her own emotional health and the issues she has that are keeping her from feeling fulfilled in any relationship or alone. True abandonment issues would do that. If you really have a phobia of being left, you cannot enjoy any relationship to the point where it is truly making you content.

[ascendotum]

I am admittedly effed-up. I have major abandonment issues. I believe it comes from being adopted.

 

When I like someone, it makes me feel vulnerable- when I feel vulnerable, I start resenting the person that inspires those feelings in me. I pull away, test, punish and sabotage as a result.

 

How has that worked out for me? It hasn't. I push everyone away. Even when I love someone like crazy, I will still act aloof, unaffected and resentful.

 

The one woman I had as a girlfriend who was adopted was exactly like this. From conversations I have had with mates, women with adopted/father walking out/unloving mother backgrounds have 'tended' to make for relationships that are hard work (ie clingy, volatile, moody).

 

OP - Your initial post where you describe how you think men and women handle abandonment issues differently, I think is spot on.

 

I'm not saying resolving emotional scars that go all the way back to your childhood is easy by a long shot, but isn't the fact that you recognize the negative behaviors and the consequences, a big step in right direction when it comes to dealing with this...going for forward?

[Simon Attwood]

The one woman I had as a girlfriend who was adopted was exactly like this. From conversations I have had with mates, women with adopted/father walking out/unloving mother backgrounds have 'tended' to make for relationships that are hard work (ie clingy, volatile, moody).

 

OP - Your initial post where you describe how you think men and women handle abandonment issues differently, I think is spot on.

 

I'm not saying resolving emotional scars that go all the way back to your childhood is easy by a long shot, but isn't the fact that you recognize the negative behaviors and the consequences, a big step in right direction when it comes to dealing with this...going for forward?

 

In Sue Gerhardt's book; "Why Love Matters; how affection shapes a baby's brain". She discusses how the brain develops it's connections between the prefrontal cortex and the more primitive parts of the brain like the amygdala, and how these connections are essential to regulating behaviour and emotions that begin in the amygdala, most importantly the impulses that are rooted in the fear responses we now call stress and anxiety. And that the most important connection is with the mother, and if that connection is broken during the first years. Or indeed if there are stressful events either in the womb or in the first 2 years, or if the mother herself is stressed during preganancy and releases a large amount of cortisol in to her blood stream that in turn enters the baby as they are still conected systems, then the systems that regulate emotions and behaviour in the child can be severely impaired and the ability to deal with stress and anxiety is permanently damaged. There's some research to suggest that this is connected to the reason why some people get PSD and others don't after experiencing similar stressful events. These connections are also damaged in behavioural dysfunctions such as bipolar, BPD, DNP, Schizophrenia, etc. and there's the suggestion that these disorders have also got roots in experiences of early nurture, as the brain region involved is undeveloped in new born babies and the way it develops depends greatly upon early experiences.

 

This effect is also discussed in "When Fear Meets Love" by David Richo in the chapter "The Net"

Edited August 22, 2010 by Simon Attwood

[Simon Attwood]

I am admittedly effed-up. I have major abandonment issues. I believe it comes from being adopted.

 

When I like someone, it makes me feel vulnerable- when I feel vulnerable, I start resenting the person that inspires those feelings in me. I pull away, test, punish and sabotage as a result.

 

How has that worked out for me? It hasn't. I push everyone away. Even when I love someone like crazy, I will still act aloof, unaffected and resentful.

 

I should be able to enjoy falling in love with someone, but instead, I actually get ANGRY at them for making me feel vulnerable. It's messed up.

 

The only person I ever truly allowed to get close to me (romantically), was my exH. When he cheated on me almost a decade later, I put that barrier back up stronger than ever. I don't ever envision that barrier coming down again, ever.

 

It's a lonely way to live, I wish I could work through it.

 

On a very positive note; You are aware and able to admit these issues to yourself, many struggle to admit to themselves these internal conflicts (even if they are apparent to those on the outside).

 

So you can work on yourself. Those that cannot admit their issues, have/see nothing to work on and just go from disastrous relationship to disastrous relationship, always being the victim.

 

You should search out a copy of David Richo's book "When the Past is Present; Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage Our Relationships".

[Star Gazer]

I'm not saying resolving emotional scars that go all the way back to your childhood is easy by a long shot, but isn't the fact that you recognize the negative behaviors and the consequences, a big step in right direction when it comes to dealing with this...going for forward?

 

Well, part of my therapy deals with my abandonment issues. The people I'm referring to have also been in therapy for their issues and behaviors. So there's definitely recognition there.

[Ruby Slippers]

I would seek therapy, but I don't have health insurance.

I want to add that therapy is in reach, even for those without health insurance. As a self-employed person, I have expensive health insurance with a ridiculously high deductible, so it's basically useless except in case of catastrophe.

 

I have an AWESOME counselor who has a sliding scale, and I pay $65 to talk to her for an hour once a month. I have found other good, solid counselors who charge as little as $50 per session to those who are un- or underinsured. I supplement the counseling with books, strong and open friendships, and journaling.

 

So if a loving relationship and emotional well-being are priorities to you, you can get the assistance you need to make it happen.