SadandConfusedWA Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 In an established relationship, yes. But in the dating phase, more often than not, he likely has lost interest. THAT's what kills me. My intuition has been right about that every time. Yes, in early dating stage, delays in communication simply mean loss of interest. Canceling dates because he has to work, because he has got this bug etc were always signs that the guy was trying to blow me off. They are never actually that sick or have to work that badly. In the very RARE instance that this is the truth, the guy will go over-board with calls and attention and prompt reschedule because he doesn't want to lose YOU.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 It occurred to me the other day that several of my favorite films and pieces of literature directly deal with abandonment. Spoorloos This favorite short story of mine by Shirley Jackson is a chilling portrayal of the worst nightmare of anyone who has abandonment issues: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1045359/why_anyone_attempting_to_write_ambiguous.html?cat=41 A really good, lesser-known short-short story by Stephen King: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Last_Rung_on_the_Ladder That's nice, but the OP asks how you've handled dealing with someone with abandonment issues. Can you answer that?
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 This is also my biggest fear. That someone I love and trust will suddenly drop out of my life without any warning or real explanation, and unfortunately it's happened several times (including most recently). My biggest fear is not losing somebody I'm close to (as in a relationship ending) but never being able to even speak to them again, like not even having that option. Like them basically making themselves dead to me. I have huge abandonment issues, and I think I have good reason. Co-sign me here. This is my biggest fear too. Not so much the relationship ending - but person dissapearing from my life without any explanation. I always prefer even the most negative resolution to no resolution at all (or implied resolution when the person drops off the face of the earth). It has also happened to me a lot so I can't say that my fears are unjustified. This is where my huge anxiety with delayed responses to calls, texts and e-mails comes from. It doesn't help that in 99% of the cases, there is no innocent explanation for this - the person is really doing the fade. Hands down, fear of abandonment is my biggest fear in life.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 This thread is about dating someone with abandonment issues. So do you ladies have any advice for those dating someone with abandonment issues??
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Sorry Star, we all got a bit self-absorbed here Let me think...
Author Star Gazer Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 Of course use your own experiences. What would have made you let your guard down, open up, allow yourself to be truly vulnerable? If dating others with fears of abandonment, what did you notice worked with them? One thing I read in an article (which I can't find now ) is that the person without abandonment issues can still share their own fears and insecurities, and make efforts to show they want to work together to work through each other's issues.
Pink Cupcakes Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 That's all runaround excuses that women come up with for staying with a guy who's heart isn't in it. Sorry. This isn't always true, if someone has actual abandonment issues -- if they have these issues, no one else can satisfy their need for total security because they're insecure internally. I actually dated a fellow with abandonment issues. At first, it was charming, because he was very attentive, but later, it because exhausting. I'm not into jealousy, control, etc, and if you have abandonment issues, you reach out trying to grab people, like sand in your hands, and the same thing happens. That fellow would've made a great SO had he not had these issues, but we broke up over it after a couple months instead. It wasn't because I didn't care for him or am not a reliable partner -- I still think he's a great guy and most of my SOs will tell you I'm extremely reliable -- but it just becomes impossible to make a situation like that work, when someone is always questioning you (not out loud; but it was clear from his feelings/attitude). Also, the world tends to give you what you think, so if you think, "They will leave me," you're more likely to find people who will in fact leave you. I don't think this is magic or anything; just our people-picker at work. When you start looking for something, you find it.
pandagirl Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 This thread is about dating someone with abandonment issues. So do you ladies have any advice for those dating someone with abandonment issues?? Gosh, the thing that makes the person feel "safe" is lots of reassurance, but that does nothing to actually FIX the real issue. I think maybe a combination of being patient and kind, but yet asserting your own boundaries. You can't enable a persons issues, because it never solves the problem. I am the one with the fear and worry and it's currently messing up my relationship. My boyfriend is losing his patience, but also he is kind of a tough love person, which I appreciate. Basically his stance is: "I can't fix you, you can only fix yourself. I love you, but saying it never enough." Of course, in my head, I'm like: "Well you can give me more attention, or call more, or do this or that," but those things are only temporary fixes. So, I think my BF is right in the sense that if we are to be together in the long run, I will HAVE to fix myself. And my effort to get a handle on things is attractive, because it shows that I not only care about the relationship, but more importantly, that I care about myself.
meerkat stew Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Dated two borderlines in a row before I knew what that was. Had never dated any blatantly disordered women before. Both would turn infantile when it was time for me to leave. One would talk in a baby voice (a scary one not a cute one), follow me out to my car and actually try to get in and go with me, and the other would crawl around shrieking in the floor grabbing at my knees and feet when it was time to go. Both would start calling within 1 minute of me getting in the car, and would call several times after. The reason I type this is to give examples of disordered abandonment issues. If your behavior rises to that level, then seeking therapy and treatment is the best option. But I imagine yours isn't that level We all have separation issues, usually mild, when parting from someone we are infatuated or in love with, and I have known many women who "dated down" on purpose to avoid a potentially painful emotional involvement. Sometimes I think this where lots of the "women like jerks" talk comes from, they are protecting themselves from emotional pain. I have a male friend whom I suspect has the same types of issues. He is capable of attracting normal women of quality, yet always goes for the less risky ones he won't suffer over if they reject or leave him.
Pink Cupcakes Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 If I were in a relationship, even a serious one, I would definitely not discuss or ask if the person had "abandonment issues", or say I probably had them. This seems odd to me. Some women are just too clingy and needy and they chase the guy away. Doesn't mean that there is a deep psychological reason or analysis. Defintiely feel that this ("abandonment issues") is all excuses for women being upset they are single, or that men they really liked have run for the hills.
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 If I were in a relationship, even a serious one, I would definitely not discuss or ask if the person had "abandonment issues", or say I probably had them. This seems odd to me. Some women are just too clingy and needy and they chase the guy away. Doesn't mean that there is a deep psychological reason or analysis. Defintiely feel that this ("abandonment issues") is all excuses for women being upset they are single, or that men they really liked have run for the hills. Truth to be told, all the men that triggered my abandonment fears ended up abandoning me eventually.
Simon Attwood Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 OP and others, a good book on this very subject is called "When Love Meets Fear" you can read a few sections on google books before committing
sugarmomma Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Only children can be abandoned. I'm an adult, and the only thing people can do is leave, which I have no power over. I am responsible for taking care of my emotional security, not a man, friend or any family member. I was abandoned as a child and became the person that would leave others as an adult. I still leave certain people and keep them out of my life and for good reason most times. When I terminate r with people its usually because they have proven themselves to be shady and/or unreliable in some way. I like to have people around me who I fell that I know, like and trust. It makes me happier. My xh had really bad abandonment fears and I would always trigger them by threatening to leave and usually for good reason (i.e. him being disrespectful of our marriage in some way). I never tried to secure him in that sense because he would do things to make me want to leave. He was very needy and clingy and I'm the opposite, I can take people or leave them since I believe that love is a gift that should be freely given and freely received. Also over the years I have learned to take all responsibility for my fears and not give others so much power over my emotions and reactions. I would not date someone who had severe issues in this area but I do think most people struggle with it to some extent and that's not abnormal.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 If I were in a relationship, even a serious one, I would definitely not discuss or ask if the person had "abandonment issues", or say I probably had them. This seems odd to me. Some women are just too clingy and needy and they chase the guy away. Doesn't mean that there is a deep psychological reason or analysis. Defintiely feel that this ("abandonment issues") is all excuses for women being upset they are single, or that men they really liked have run for the hills. Your posts in this thread have been wholly irrelevant to the subject of this thread. Please stay on topic.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 I think my last boyfriend had abandonment issues. He told me more than once, "My biggest fear is that you will leave me." His behavior associated with this fear was self-sabotaging, and in the end, I did leave. He would go all in and get super close, then freak out and pull away, in many different ways throughout the course of the relationship. I dealt with it by putting my foot down about the wishy-washy behavior, and while that worked sometimes, the core problem never went away. I think that a person with these issues really needs counseling. No one else can heal a pain and fear that runs so deep except the person carrying that burden.
Pink Cupcakes Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 No, they're very ontopic. It's saying that "abandonment issues" are excuses, hon. Your posts in this thread have been wholly irrelevant to the subject of this thread. Please stay on topic.
Pink Cupcakes Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 See and this guy probably went on and had a happy, stable, relationship with another woman later, one who he really was in love with and emotionally invested with. Men who aren't clear of their feelings and are in it with "half of their heart" as the John Meyer song goes, behave in such a way as they don't have to commit (odd, noncommittal, "running away" behavior). The comment "my biggest fear is that you will leave me" really means "my biggest fear is that this will end before I find someone else to latch on to until I find 'the one' (which isn't you, obviously). I think my last boyfriend had abandonment issues. He told me more than once, "My biggest fear is that you will leave me." His behavior associated with this fear was self-sabotaging, and in the end, I did leave. He would go all in and get super close, then freak out and pull away, in many different ways throughout the course of the relationship. I dealt with it by putting my foot down about the wishy-washy behavior, and while that worked sometimes, the core problem never went away. I think that a person with these issues really needs counseling. No one else can heal a pain and fear that runs so deep except the person carrying that burden.
shadowplay Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Truth to be told, all the men that triggered my abandonment fears ended up abandoning me eventually. Ditto! ------------
carhill Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Have you ever dated someone with admitted abandonment issues? How did you handle it? Yes, and, unhealthily, I strove to balance a role of therapist with that of boyfriend and, later, husband. Now, if I sense such issues, I discontinue contact. I think we each (me included) need to work on our personal issues, like those resulting from abandonment, on our own or with the help of a professional. I chose the latter, though originally as a methodology of recovering our M. It later became a process to recover myself from therapist mode, which is an exceedingly unhealthy, though *chosen*, place to be in a relationship.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 See and this guy probably went on and had a happy, stable, relationship with another woman later, one who he really was in love with and emotionally invested with. Men who aren't clear of their feelings and are in it with "half of their heart" as the John Meyer song goes, behave in such a way as they don't have to commit (odd, noncommittal, "running away" behavior). The comment "my biggest fear is that you will leave me" really means "my biggest fear is that this will end before I find someone else to latch on to until I find 'the one' (which isn't you, obviously). You don't know the whole story, and your comment is catty and unhelpful. People who repeatedly choose partners they don't really want to make a full commitment to clearly have deep issues, so I don't think it's as simple as going on to have a happy relationship with someone else. He has gained a considerable amount of weight since we broke up, and I'd bet money that the same dynamics are playing out in his current relationship, and will continue to do so till he gets some serious help.
Simon Attwood Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Truth to be told, all the men that triggered my abandonment fears ended up abandoning me eventually. Google "self fulfilling prophecy"
Simon Attwood Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Yes, and, unhealthily, I strove to balance a role of therapist with that of boyfriend and, later, husband. Now, if I sense such issues, I discontinue contact. I think we each (me included) need to work on our personal issues, like those resulting from abandonment, on our own or with the help of a professional. I chose the latter, though originally as a methodology of recovering our M. It later became a process to recover myself from therapist mode, which is an exceedingly unhealthy, though *chosen*, place to be in a relationship. That's an interesting point as I often find myself in that role. I was seeing a therapist a few years ago after a particularly harrowing relationship and she asked me "Do you pick partners because you want to fix them?" I answered; "no, I think they pick me because they want to be fixed, but then spend all their energy trying to prove to themselves that they are broken beyond repair".
Author Star Gazer Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 No, they're very ontopic. It's saying that "abandonment issues" are excuses, hon. No, you are very much OFF topic, and now bordering on catty and condescending. The topic of this thread is dealing with people who IN FACT have abandonment issues. They are VERY REAL and affect many people. It's not an excuse. Please stay out of this thread if you're going to continue to derail it. Thank you.
carhill Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 "Do you pick partners because you want to fix them?" I answered; "no, I think they pick me because they want to be fixed, but then spend all their energy trying to prove to themselves that they are broken beyond repair".This is a great example of where people-picking work can be done. Prior, my internal response was 'no, you're lovable, worthy of love and a valuable human being; here, let me show you'. It was a challenge to achieve success, a success that fed my ego. That was the unhealthy part; the sickness of the rescuer. Now, internally, I nod my head and *accept* the disparity in our perspectives and that this person has their unique path. Perhaps it and mine will converge someday; perhaps not. It's not my job to grab it and pull it over. Never having been abandoned during my socialization, I know nothing of that psychology. It's not in my life experience. Having been abandoned as an adult by those I've *chosen* to love, I understand that component, but it does not undermine the basic feeling of being lovable, being worthy of love and being willing to commit to another human being. The challenge is to choose that human being well and healthily. One more step along the path
spookie Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Star, I think people are failing to answer your question, because this fear is based on a desire and expectation of the type of relationship that doesn't really exist. Nearly-unconditional loyalty is not really something most people are willing to offer. So, regardless of what our partners do and say, we know that their feelings can change prompting them to still leave, so it doesn't really matter as far as providing a long-term fix to our issues. I think the best bet for someone with abandonment issues is to marry someone who loves us, but would be unwilling to leave for reasons less fickle than love; for example, a super-religious person who doesn't believe in divorce. That or, accept the fact that we may be abandoned. And be willing to love regardless.
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