Slainte Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Two months ago I found out from my mother that she was deeply unhappy with her marriage of 30 years to my father due to his drinking and frequent fights since before they married. She had met recently met a guy she knew years ago when she was in school but had been too shy to go out with back then, until she met this guy she'd never made any moves to leave the marriage. However my father recently learned of her contact with this other person, and after the house being as tense as a warzone for four weeks (and still is) the truth finally emerged about how she'd initiated contact with him, she claimed that it was her unhappiness with her marriage that led to it, but denied she was having an actual affair, that this guy is just a friend. I know the man's identity but my father doesn't as my mother fears that it will result in bloodshed. My father has attempted to mend his ways, cut back his drinking a bit, and is working hard to find other hobbies (rather than the pub) and social outlets. However, my mother is giving him no chance and is still in live contact with this other man. We all live in the one house, but there's very little communication, my mother comes home from work and buries herself in a computer IMing the other guy and phoning him when my father isn't at home and secretly meeting up with him during work hours when she's free. It's a real mess, but seems like it's going to drag on for eternity as my father doesn't want her to leave but does want her to cut contact with this other man. They won't go to relationship counselling. I'm stuck in the middle in a tense household. My mother threatens moving out occasionally but never does it, and in previous weeks seems to give my father hope but then destroys it. I'm due to start college next month for the first time, and I'll still be coming home to the same house, so I don't know how it's going to work or how I'm going to cope with college and this situation. I'm incredibly dependent on both parents since my brother moved out 5 years ago. We're in about week 5 of the situation now. What the hell can I do? When I argue with my mother tells me to stop interfering in adult affairs, it's not my job, but I feel she's being really selfish and not being entirely honest with either me or my dad.
AVR1962 Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Slainte, I had a very good friend who did the same thing after 20 years marriage.....mostly temper, demands and being emotionally unavailble that drove her to this other man. This all started a year ago when she found an old boyfriend on FaceBook. The relationship finally gave her the confidence to leave a marriage that she wasn't happy with. I am still dear friends with them both. I do not talk about the other one when I am each of their presence and this has not always been easy. It has been hard to see this couple go their seperate ways. I too divorced many years ago, husband divorced me to be with someone else. In my situation the girlfriend dumped him within a year of the divorce. In my friend's situation, the boyfriend soon took no interest in her and then she was trying to get the divorced stopped. In order to save these long-term marriages that had their share of troubles I think it many times takes the willingness on both parties to go to counseling and work things thru. If both parties are not willing it would be hard to work thru as things usually return to 'normal' and that isn't always a good thing. I know this can't feel good for you but the best you could do is just ask them each if they would consider counseling. Revealing what you know about the boyfriend might be potentially bad and really your dad doesn't need salt rubbed in an open wound. Best to you and your family!
Author Slainte Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 I'm not in favour of revealing the identity of the other man, as it would have a negative affect on my Dad and it could make matters worse and result in physical violence. I'll try again to get them to approach counselling. My mother seems to be pursuing two different things: she calls the other man a "friend" and there's no evidence of much physical relations between them. But then she says she wants to move out just get some space and see how things go with my dad. It's complicated and it looks like its going to get more and more complicated as time goes on.
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