Dexter Morgan Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 I understand venting though... and it does suck to be put on the spot. I know it happens to me quite a bit over on one of the other boards. how can one be put on the spot when someone has time to think about what they right before they right it. being put on the spot would be someone cornering someone in front of others and posing a question to them that demands an immediate answer. and she posted of her own free will. nobody asked her anything about how she'd really like to shove a BS's nose in s##t
LilyBart Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Right. So tell her already. What are you waiting for? All in due time my dear, all in due time.
LilyBart Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 The reason behind the telling speaks VOLUMES about the person doing the telling. If you're okay being THAT kind of person, have at it. Personally, I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror if I were the kind of person who would revel in the misery of some poor woman I didn't even know who could very possibly be one of the kindest people. True, could be. But I also think she's as dumb as a box of rocks, so it's possible she would never put 2 + 2 together. (ie. she might think it's a random date pick, not planned) And at the end of the day, she'll know the truth, right?
LilyBart Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Had I truly felt that "all was fair"...they'd have never found his body. But see, that's crossing the line. You can't do something ILLEGAL like killing somebody. But telling the BS her H hasn't been faithful and having proof to back it up? Happens all the time!
LilyBart Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 What if the content you would reveal would be of no surprise to the BS, what then? What satisfaction would you then get out of it? I know there is not much my H could tell me that would surprise me unless he told me he had an interest in men. That would be a deal breaker for me. I'm sure this BS must know about some of his interest in BDSM. Are you saying that BS's aren't surprised when they find out about an A?
LilyBart Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Personally I find Lilybart's need to get one up on the wife repulsive, but yet I'm also of the mind set that it seems like you can't win around here about telling or not telling. It seems like you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. Seems that in order for it to be acceptable by the majority, it has to be under certain conditions. I agree. Perhaps Lily was doing some angry venting and now doesn't feel like she can back down from what she said because she has been put on the spot so much. Just food for thought. I don't know if I feel "put on the spot" since my responses were to the OP. And it's not something I'm planning on doing per se - but I'm thinking of doing if the situation should be pushed that far. Apparently with certain people, THINKING has now become a crime......
ladydesigner Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Are you saying that BS's aren't surprised when they find out about an A? Some are some aren't. I wasn't surprised when I found out. I knew my H was insatiable and I wasn't putting out enough sexually at the time so it wasn't as blindsiding as some cases. I was referencing the content part. About her H being into BDSM. Maybe the BS her H are both into BDSM. The A may be a surprise but not the content of BDSM. I don't know maybe I have got this wrong. What will you do once the A has been outed and they decide to reconcile? I know since my H and I have reconciled our M has become better. Maybe your "enlightening" her will make their M better.
LilyBart Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Some are some aren't. I wasn't surprised when I found out. I knew my H was insatiable and I wasn't putting out enough sexually at the time so it wasn't as blindsiding as some cases. I was referencing the content part. About her H being into BDSM. Maybe the BS her H are both into BDSM. The A may be a surprise but not the content of BDSM. I don't know maybe I have got this wrong. What will you do once the A has been outed and they decide to reconcile? I know since my H and I have reconciled our M has become better. Maybe your "enlightening" her will make their M better. OH that's what you meant. No, I would just let her know about the A. That's the whole point, isn't it? And chances are - if there is a reconciliation the BDSM thing will/should come out then. And if not, he's ripe for another A. What do you mean "what would I do once the A has been outed and they decide to reconcile"? Once I let her know that would be it.....unless he wants to get hooked if I feel like fishing again.
ladydesigner Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 OH that's what you meant. No, I would just let her know about the A. That's the whole point, isn't it? And chances are - if there is a reconciliation the BDSM thing will/should come out then. And if not, he's ripe for another A. What do you mean "what would I do once the A has been outed and they decide to reconcile"? Once I let her know that would be it.....unless he wants to get hooked if I feel like fishing again. Gottcha I understand. If he is as addicted as you say then I am sure he would get hooked if you went fishing again (they normally do), no doubt about that. He would have to be serious enough about his M to reconcile I guess. But wait, if you outed the A to be done why would you want to fish for him again, just to see? Just trying to understand.
Author pureinheart Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 See...I don't have an issue with someone who doesn't "believe" in traditional love. If you don't want a "traditional relationship"...that's entirely your choice, and personally I commend someone who can recognize their own wants/needs/desires/limits and deliberately build their relationships accordingly. The only time I have an issue is when that "lack of belief in traditional love" then gives them permission (in their own minds at least) to ignore OTHER people's beliefs/traditional relationships. Nothing wrong with not believing in marriage and opting not to get married when you're in a relationship. Everything wrong with not believing in marriage and using that to justify your participation in the destruction of someone else's existing marriage and in their spouse's emotional devestation. Having different beliefs from others doesn't give you the right to impinge on the beliefs of others. What to do Owl? I know this is not popular believe, and it has been said many times, the MP is allowing the AP in, if this were not happening the A wouldn't happen either. I would venture to say that in most cases, the AP is actually "brought in" by the MP, meaning the AP is not even looking at the time. In all cases with all my R's I was not looking at all, I never go R shopping. Where exDM is concerned, he had to "work" on me for many years, he finally did catch me at a very vulnerable and I fell for him...also he had matured a great deal over the years and became extremely appealing (in my eyes)...also the fact that I discerned the M was over. I think my issue all along is there are so many different senerios...we judge and react based on experiences mostly. While some believe having an A is the worst possible thing another might that having a family member is the worst possible senerio. People make mistakes and it's not that I don't believe in tradition, I think that certain traditions are in fact healthy. Back in the day certain cultures had "arranged" M's...in fact my best friends exMM was in one...those are a trip BTW...this was tradition to that culture. I think in some cases tradition puts pressure on a society to be perfect, which is impossible...keep the tradition and give allowances to those who fall outside of it, not causing them to feel like the "outsiders".
NancyBotwin Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 (edited) And it's not something I'm planning on doing per se - but I'm thinking of doing if the situation should be pushed that far. Apparently with certain people, THINKING has now become a crime......What, is this like The Ultimate in BDSM, the mistress threatening to tell the wife? If not, what are you waiting for? Let her know. (Just please be sure and update us on what happened, ok?) Edited August 28, 2010 by NancyBotwin
SidLyon Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 sorry there LB, but you are spinning again. I absolutely support the telling of a BS. Its your vindictive, despicable attitude towards someone who has done nothing to you that is reprehensible. but as usual, I won't expect you to get it. I'm nowhere near finished reading this thread yet, but what is the point of arguing with Lily (or is it TOWinNYC)? Lily has already told us she is seriously into BDSM (sorry if I got the acronym wrong). Isn't the whole point of BDSM that one person likes to inflict as much pain and humiliation on another as possible? Isn't the pain-inflictor Lily in this case? She is just showing that these characteristics translate to her other interactions with the MM including his other sexual partner, his wife. For all we know hurting the wife is part of their whole master-plan.
NancyBotwin Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 (edited) I'm nowhere near finished reading this thread yet, but what is the point of arguing with Lily (or is it TOWinNYC)? Lily has already told us she is seriously into BDSM (sorry if I got the acronym wrong). Isn't the whole point of BDSM that one person likes to inflict as much pain and humiliation on another as possible? Isn't the pain-inflictor Lily in this case? She is just showing that these characteristics translate to her other interactions with the MM including his other sexual partner, his wife. For all we know hurting the wife is part of their whole master-plan.Well color me confused, Lilly is TOWinNYC? If that's the case, what happened to all the magic she was talking about in another thread? There's magic in BDSM and telling the MM's spouse? Man, am I confused! Does Lily want to hurt MM by telling the spouse, or just the spouse and MM gets of on it too? Really fascinating to read, but man, I can't keep up with all this stuff. Edited August 28, 2010 by NancyBotwin
Author pureinheart Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 I'm nowhere near finished reading this thread yet, but what is the point of arguing with Lily (or is it TOWinNYC)? Lily has already told us she is seriously into BDSM (sorry if I got the acronym wrong). Isn't the whole point of BDSM that one person likes to inflict as much pain and humiliation on another as possible? Isn't the pain-inflictor Lily in this case? She is just showing that these characteristics translate to her other interactions with the MM including his other sexual partner, his wife. For all we know hurting the wife is part of their whole master-plan. I haven't seen many similarities (bold)....true Sid, she is consistant with her BDSM.
You Go Girl Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 BDSM is all smoke and mirrors. At the end of the day, we're all people. Simple people. Like it or not.
SidLyon Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I haven't seen many similarities (bold)....true Sid, she is consistant with her BDSM. Sorry I don't know for sure if they are one and the same - just was asking? Somebody else picked up on it earlier in the thread - my apologies to them both if not the case.
Silly_Girl Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 you do not feel guilt for engaging in an affair? and it is her fault the marriage has issues? have you spoken with her directly and hear her side of the story or are you just going by what he has told you? maybe she is the nicest person around and he is nothing but a cheater who lies? maybe she truly did nothing to cause the issue. maybe he just fell out of love with her and instead of going to counseling or asking her for suggestions or even told her he has fallen out of love with her instead of cheating on her. how can she fix an issue if shisn't aware of the issue? ↲↲You're twisting my words. I said contributed to, not to blame for. And Yes! I AM basing my opinions (and therefore my assessment of what I feel guilt for, or not) on my understanding of the situation. Otherwise we ought to be having a discussion on whether MM is lying and not how I feel about the situation based on HOW I VIEW IT. Why would I be with him if I thought everything he ever said to me was lies? You can judge me as to whether you think I'm foolish to trust him. But when you judge me on how I feel about my situation, MM, his wife etc you must be smart enough to be aware that my responses are based on my truth, as I see it, only then can you bash/judge me.
jj33 Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 BDSM is all smoke and mirrors. At the end of the day, we're all people. Simple people. Like it or not. And its a consensual activity with agreed upon boundaries. I cant imagine the MM consented to having his W brought into their dynamic. I think Lily is just being provocative if you read her prior posts closely. As she said she hasnt done anything and was just taking the theme of the thread to an extreme.
OWoman Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 See...here's where I disagree. Guilt has nothing to do with blame. Guilt is that little voice in the pit of your stomach telling you that you did something wrong. It's not external...it's internal. It's not "blame"...it's telling you that you did something wrong...and/or hurt someone as a result...and it's a result of a choice or action that you took. Owl you seriously think my H is to blame because the weather turned bad??? :eek: :eek: :eek: Because his xW certainly used to blame him for that, and he certainly did used to feel guilt as a result. It may end up being internalised, but blaming is where it started. Guilt is the result of blame, or manipulation. The result of a moral conflict would be remorse.
OWoman Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I haven't seen many similarities (bold)....true Sid, she is consistant with her BDSM. Uhm - I think there are a lot more than two posters into BDSM on this forum :laugh: It would be the same as saying Sid and Myrtle were the same, just because they are both BWs with similar stories posting from Oz...
OWoman Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 See...I don't have an issue with someone who doesn't "believe" in traditional love. If you don't want a "traditional relationship"...that's entirely your choice, and personally I commend someone who can recognize their own wants/needs/desires/limits and deliberately build their relationships accordingly. The only time I have an issue is when that "lack of belief in traditional love" then gives them permission (in their own minds at least) to ignore OTHER people's beliefs/traditional relationships. Nothing wrong with not believing in marriage and opting not to get married when you're in a relationship. Everything wrong with not believing in marriage and using that to justify your participation in the destruction of someone else's existing marriage and in their spouse's emotional devestation. Having different beliefs from others doesn't give you the right to impinge on the beliefs of others. The OW does not impinge on the beliefs of others. If the MM held that belief (in monogamy, faithfulness or whatever) he wouldn't be in the A. So, by his actions, he's declaring his beliefs to be in accordance with the OWs. If the MM changes his beliefs from prior belief in monogamy (with the BW) to a later belief in sexual non-exclusivity (or, sexual exclusivity with a woman other than his BW), then it is between him and the BW to renegotiate any contract between the two of them. It is not incumbent on the OW to do or not do - that is a separate R with a separate understanding. The MM's freedom to change his mind is between him and the OW, and him and the BW, separately. The OW is not impinging on anyone's beliefs by conducting a R in which another person participates freely of their own volition.
jennie-jennie Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 (edited) See...I don't have an issue with someone who doesn't "believe" in traditional love. If you don't want a "traditional relationship"...that's entirely your choice, and personally I commend someone who can recognize their own wants/needs/desires/limits and deliberately build their relationships accordingly. The only time I have an issue is when that "lack of belief in traditional love" then gives them permission (in their own minds at least) to ignore OTHER people's beliefs/traditional relationships. Nothing wrong with not believing in marriage and opting not to get married when you're in a relationship. Everything wrong with not believing in marriage and using that to justify your participation in the destruction of someone else's existing marriage and in their spouse's emotional devestation. Having different beliefs from others doesn't give you the right to impinge on the beliefs of others. As an OP you are apparently not impinging on the MP's beliefs, since he/she is having an affair with you. It could be said that the MP is impinging on the BS's beliefs, but that is not to do with the AP. And should in fact the BS's beliefs impinge on the OP's beliefs to the degree that the OP should be considered not to have the right to have the relationship he/she wants? Not in my opinion. Thus: Everything wrong with believing in marriage and using that to justify your participation in the destruction of someone else's existing relationship and in their emotional devestation. Nothing wrong with not believing in marriage and using that to justify your participation in the construction of a relationship and the subsequent emotional bliss of the participants. Nothing wrong with believing in marriage and using that to justify your participation in sustaining the marriage and the subsequent emotional bliss of the participants. Edited August 28, 2010 by jennie-jennie
Darth Vader Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 And nobody but nobody corrected me. I'm feeling like the teacher's pet. It's not like this is english class. I'm guessing you had a thing for one of your teachers? That may explain the feelings of a teacher's pet.
Author pureinheart Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 I haven't seen many similarities (bold)....true Sid, she is consistant with her BDSM. Uhm - I think there are a lot more than two posters into BDSM on this forum :laugh: It would be the same as saying Sid and Myrtle were the same, just because they are both BWs with similar stories posting from Oz... OOppppsss, this last heat wave took electrolyte imbalance to new levels for me... Apologies Lily and TOW...and may not need to, but just in case want to clarify (bold) that Lily would be consistant with her posts concerning the BW and BDSM....sorry about that, confusion seems to be the name of the game for me lately. Want to say also, I have limited knowledge on BDSM, and should not have commented based on that:o:o:o;)
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