All's Fair In Love And War

[LilyBart]

It's not even their beliefs. It's that their choice to live with their belief system has been robbed of them. It's the deception. Anybody on here can live in whatever manner they choose, as long as they find a willing partner.

 

EXACTLY. And if my MM is a willing partner there's nothing wrong with it, IMO. I'm not making him do anything he doesn't want to do....well, outside the bedroom.

 

But to take away from someone their right to know what their life really is, especially if it is a deceptive sham, that's where the problem lies. And LIES is the key word here.

 

I'm not taking away anyone's right to know what their life really is - if the BS wanted to know, she could certainly find out. And the deceptive sham is the M. Which I am not a part of. So I, like SillyGirl, feel NO GUILT.

 

Live anyway you want. It's your choice. I don't care how "you" (LS people) live. But don't deceive anyone into believing that their life is other than what it is for your personal selfish gain.

 

Everybody is selfish in one form or another. Why do I owe anything to a woman I could care less about?

 

This deception is not only made by the cheating spouse. The OM/OW is deceiving someone, even if it is someone they have never met. THere is no disassociation or detachment from this responsibility. OWN IT, take the moral responsibility, and make it right.

 

:lmao: I am SO not responsible and not deceiving the BS! Puh-leeze!!!! I made no vows or promises. If you want to talk about moral responsibility, tell it to the WS. And in terms of "making it right", lets see....people flipped a lid when I had made my comment about how I would let her know (in my own lovely way ).

[Dexter Morgan]

I was going to suggest you actually read my posts before you judge me, but hey, why spoil the fun?!?

 

i read it just fine. understood your lack of guilt, remorse, or even feeling bad for a betrayed spouse perfectly.

[Dexter Morgan]

How about some respect for yourself?

 

i respect myself just fine. I wouldn't hurt anyone intentionally or knowingly, and if I did I would definitely feel bad about it.

[OWoman]

I wonder why?

 

Because it no longer works for the majority of people. They're voting with their feet to live in families that work for them.

[Dexter Morgan]

How about some respect for yourself?

 

And i respect those that don't hurt others and actually feel bad when they do. I may not respect what they did, but I can at least respect them if they have a conscience.

[Owl]

You can't make someone see something if they refuse to open their eyes.

 

You can't make someone feel regret/remorse/guilt if they refuse to accept responsibility.

[Dexter Morgan]

And in terms of "making it right", lets see....people flipped a lid when I had made my comment about how I would let her know (in my own lovely way ).

 

ya, spin this any way you like LB. It wasn't letting the BS know what was going on. It was the fact that you WANTED TO CAUSE THE BS AS MUCH PAIN AS POSSIBLE.

 

thats what offended people. your desire to be vindictive and actually seek to cause the BS pain...and not just pain, but as much as you could inflict. You said it yourself.

[OWoman]

My point exactly. Thanks!

 

When I eat meat, I participate in a "hurtful act" towards the cow who was slaughtered to make my curry. When I eat vegetables I participate in a "hurtful act" towards the carrots that were ripped out of the ground to make my salad. When I drive I participate in a "hurtful act" towards the ozone - and towards the polar bears whose ice caps are being melted as a result. Living causes pain to others, unless you're able to live a karma-neutral existence like some devoted Buddhists. I accept that my actions will cause pain - and so I choose not to cause pain to those I care about, and to cause pain where it is unavoidable or directed to that which matters less to me.

[Dexter Morgan]

You can't make someone see something if they refuse to open their eyes.

 

You can't make someone feel regret/remorse/guilt if they refuse to accept responsibility.

 

Owl, I don't know if you addressed it, but what would your wise words be for the person on this thread that actually wanted to inflict pain on the BS in the worst way possible?

[Owl]

Owl, I don't know if you addressed it, but what would your wise words be for the person on this thread that actually wanted to inflict pain on the BS in the worst way possible?

 

I don't have any "wise-words"...haven't really had any for my entire life in truth.

 

But my initial response to that was simple..."be glad I'm not the BS in your situation".

 

I completely refrained from taking ANY of the numerous horrific actions I contemplated against OM in my situation. I had a lot of reasons to choose not to do these things. Mostly because I DON'T believe that "all is fair".

 

Had OM "come after me" in any fashion...it would have been "On like Donkey-Kong". And as nice as I try to be...I would be a poor choice as a person to start that with.

[OWoman]

You can't make someone feel regret/remorse/guilt if they refuse to accept responsibility.

 

Guilt is associated with blame, which is counterproductive IMO, rather than responsibility. My H used to take the blame for everything in his 1st M - including the weather turning out not as predicted - and would feel terrible guilt as a result. Of course it was ridiculous - and part of his IC was enabling him to distinguish between what was his responsibility, and what was blame, and freeing himself from guilt and allowing him to move on in productive ways.

 

To the extent that I hold any responsibility for my H no longer living with that woman, I am proud of it. I have absolutely no guilt, no regret and no remorse whatsoever.

[Owl]

See...here's where I disagree.

 

Guilt has nothing to do with blame. Guilt is that little voice in the pit of your stomach telling you that you did something wrong. It's not external...it's internal.

 

It's not "blame"...it's telling you that you did something wrong...and/or hurt someone as a result...and it's a result of a choice or action that you took.

 

There's nothing wrong with guilt when you use it properly...you learn from it to become a better person.

 

When you ignore it...you don't learn from it...you don't become a better person.

[LilyBart]

ya, spin this any way you like LB. It wasn't letting the BS know what was going on. It was the fact that you WANTED TO CAUSE THE BS AS MUCH PAIN AS POSSIBLE.

 

thats what offended people. your desire to be vindictive and actually seek to cause the BS pain...and not just pain, but as much as you could inflict. You said it yourself.

 

So what?! As long as the BS knows, right? People get mad over the fact that the poooor BS doesn't know. Boo hoo hoo, she's in the dark, how is she supposed to make choices for her own life if she doesn't know?

 

And then people get mad when you decide to tell. Can't win, so it doesn't really matter how it goes down.

 

And that line of inflicting pain - that was in reference to the OP "All's fair in love & war". I still stand by it.

[donnamaybe]

So what?! As long as the BS knows, right? People get mad over the fact that the poooor BS doesn't know. Boo hoo hoo, she's in the dark, how is she supposed to make choices for her own life if she doesn't know?

 

And then people get mad when you decide to tell. Can't win, so it doesn't really matter how it goes down.

 

And that line of inflicting pain - that was in reference to the OP "All's fair in love & war". I still stand by it.

It's ALLLL in the intent.

[LilyBart]

It's ALLLL in the intent.

 

Nah - it's in the CONTENT. And what I would reveal would be nothing but the truth. So how wrong is that?

[herenow]

So what?! As long as the BS knows, right? People get mad over the fact that the poooor BS doesn't know. Boo hoo hoo, she's in the dark, how is she supposed to make choices for her own life if she doesn't know?

 

And then people get mad when you decide to tell. Can't win, so it doesn't really matter how it goes down.

 

And that line of inflicting pain - that was in reference to the OP "All's fair in love & war". I still stand by it.

 

Right. So tell her already. What are you waiting for?

[donnamaybe]

Nah - it's in the CONTENT. And what I would reveal would be nothing but the truth. So how wrong is that?

The reason behind the telling speaks VOLUMES about the person doing the telling.

 

If you're okay being THAT kind of person, have at it. Personally, I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror if I were the kind of person who would revel in the misery of some poor woman I didn't even know who could very possibly be one of the kindest people.

[herenow]

Nah - it's in the CONTENT. And what I would reveal would be nothing but the truth. So how wrong is that?

 

Yup, call her now and let her know the truth.

[herenow]

The reason behind the telling speaks VOLUMES about the person doing the telling.

 

If you're okay being THAT kind of person, have at it. Personally, I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror if I were the kind of person who would revel in the misery of some poor woman I didn't even know who could very possibly be one of the kindest people.

 

Lilybart is the one that has to live with her choices and why she does the things she does. As long as the BW gets the truth, I don't care why she tells. JMO.

[Owl]

And that line of inflicting pain - that was in reference to the OP "All's fair in love & war". I still stand by it.

 

Be glad that not all of us opt to play by those rules.

 

Had I truly felt that "all was fair"...they'd have never found his body. I was that devestated and destroyed by the whole mess. And I have absolutely no doubt in my ability to carry that out had I decided to act on those impulses.

 

All isn't fair...in the end, what I considered would NOT have been fair or appropriate or right or moral.

 

Luckily, both he and I both shared the same viewpoint on the subject of this thread.

[ladydesigner]

Nah - it's in the CONTENT. And what I would reveal would be nothing but the truth. So how wrong is that?

 

What if the content you would reveal would be of no surprise to the BS, what then? What satisfaction would you then get out of it?

 

I know there is not much my H could tell me that would surprise me unless he told me he had an interest in men. That would be a deal breaker for me. I'm sure this BS must know about some of his interest in BDSM.

[BB07]

Personally I find Lilybart's need to get one up on the wife repulsive, but yet I'm also of the mind set that it seems like you can't win around here about telling or not telling. It seems like you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. Seems that in order for it to be acceptable by the majority, it has to be under certain conditions.

 

Perhaps Lily was doing some angry venting and now doesn't feel like she can back down from what she said because she has been put on the spot so much. Just food for thought.

[ladydesigner]

Personally I find Lilybart's need to get one up on the wife repulsive, but yet I'm also of the mind set that it seems like you can't win around here about telling or not telling. It seems like you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. Seems that in order for it to be acceptable by the majority, it has to be under certain conditions.

 

Perhaps Lily was doing some angry venting and now doesn't feel like she can back down from what she said because she has been put on the spot so much. Just food for thought.

 

Yes I would have to agree and I really hope she meant things in a different way than she originally put it, or maybe I have it the wrong way:confused:

 

I understand venting though... and it does suck to be put on the spot. I know it happens to me quite a bit over on one of the other boards.

[Dexter Morgan]

And that line of inflicting pain - that was in reference to the OP "All's fair in love & war". I still stand by it.

 

ya, nice try there Ms. Backpedal.

[Dexter Morgan]

Personally I find Lilybart's need to get one up on the wife repulsive, but yet I'm also of the mind set that it seems like you can't win around here about telling or not telling. It seems like you are damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

nope, I ALWAYS support telling. What I find despicable is wanting to inflict pain and thinking of ways to inflict the most.

 

 

Perhaps Lily was doing some angry venting and now doesn't feel like she can back down from what she said because she has been put on the spot so much. Just food for thought.

 

put on the spot? nobody asked her to come here and tell us how she really wants to put the hurt to a betrayed wife.

 

besides, she isn't backing down. trying to fool us maybe, but backing down...nope