All's Fair In Love And War

[Dexter Morgan]

Ah - see, you really don't "get it". Sex is only a part of it. What MM and I share is the BDSM experience, which is something I don't expect you to understand. Of course, right now he's getting all needy on me which I don't appreciate.....

 

The "dropping the D-Day bomb" was a reference that looped back to the OP and said tongue in cheek. War/Love, bomb....get it?

 

bulls##t and onions lady. this isn't just about dropping a dday bomb. This is what you said.

 

"If I ever decide to get out of my A with my MM, I will choose a way to cause the most amount of damage possible to the BS before I exit"

 

you are a vindictive, hateful person that relishes damage you can do to someone that hasn't done a damn thing to you.

 

choosing to do harm to the married man is one thing....actually wanting to hurt his wife is just downright despicable.

 

So why don't you tell us, why do you want to cause the BS pain? What did she do to you?

[Dexter Morgan]

As for "blowing the W's world apart", what gives? Time and time again I read how people think the BS should KNOW. And if I choose to do it, WHY SHOULDN'T I "enlighten" her?

 

you are either playing completely dumb or are totally clueless.

 

wanting to inform the wife that her husband is a scumbag is one thing.

 

Wanting to cause her pain and looking for the best way to cause the most is another.

 

I can't believe I even have to explain it to you.

 

You know what you said, you are just playing absolutely dumb now.

[jthorne]

I don't feel guilty that I am having a relationship with the wife's husband. I feel wrong that lies are being told... Not sure whether that makes sense.

I believe this is referred to as blameshifting. Or spinning to one's advantage. Or justifying so not to take responsibility for one's own actions. Take your pick.

[Silly_Girl]

I believe this is referred to as blameshifting. Or spinning to one's advantage. Or justifying so not to take responsibility for one's own actions. Take your pick.

 

I definitely am not avoiding responsibility. I know damn well the position I am in. It's the lies that bother me. Always have. She's being told lies so I feel bad about it. If she KNEW I was seeing her husband and it upset her, then it's up to her to do (or not) as she sees fit. MM doesn't respect her enough to share his knowledge (of me) and therefore give her the 50% decision-making share she's entitled to.

[jthorne]

I definitely am not avoiding responsibility. I know damn well the position I am in. It's the lies that bother me. Always have. She's being told lies so I feel bad about it. If she KNEW I was seeing her husband and it upset her, then it's up to her to do (or not) as she sees fit. MM doesn't respect her enough to share his knowledge (of me) and therefore give her the 50% decision-making share she's entitled to.

Then why haven't you told her? Because you think it's in your best interests not to? How is that not avoiding responsibility? Not hatin, just askin.

[Silly_Girl]

Then why haven't you told her? Because you think it's in your best interests not to? How is that not avoiding responsibility? Not hatin, just askin.

 

I may tell her. I feel it's in her best interests to hear it from the person that made the vows and promised to respect her; the one who lies (overtly and by omission) to her every day. If he doesn't, I'm 95% certain I will.

[donnamaybe]

I may tell her. I feel it's in her best interests to hear it from the person that made the vows and promised to respect her; the one who lies (overtly and by omission) to her every day. If he doesn't, I'm 95% certain I will.

It's nice that you want to do the right thing which is to give her the benefit of knowing what is going on in her own life. She has a right to live HER life how she chooses which means she HAS to know what is going on in it in order to make informed decisions about her life.

[Silly_Girl]

It's nice that you want to do the right thing which is to give her the benefit of knowing what is going on in her own life. She has a right to live HER life how she chooses which means she HAS to know what is going on in it in order to make informed decisions about her life.

 

I know it seems like I'm taking the pi$$ but what you've written, that's exactly how I feel.

[donnamaybe]

I know it seems like I'm taking the pi$$

Huh?

but what you've written, that's exactly how I feel.

Then you care about others, even if they aren't a friend or family member. That's called empathy, and it's a good thing.

[jthorne]

Kind of a no-win situation for everybody involved.

[Mimolicious]

These days, there are fewer "traditional" families (consisting of one married couple and their biological offspring) than there are other forms of family (including bi-nuclear, single-parent, single sex parents, extended families etc) yet this notion persists that the "traditional" family - which in fact only existed as the "norm" for a short space of time - is somehow superior.

 

I wonder why?

 

With all due respect OWoman. My "FAMILY" as it once existed, IT IS SUPERIOR TO ME AND MY KIDS than any other form of family their father would like to form. Congrats to him, minus his previous kids.

 

Funny how millions of people justify their actions and behave honoring some quote from 400yrs ago, yet they minimize more symbolic principles. HA!

[jthorne]

Ah - see, you really don't "get it". Sex is only a part of it. What MM and I share is the BDSM experience, which is something I don't expect you to understand. Of course, right now he's getting all needy on me which I don't appreciate.....

 

The "dropping the D-Day bomb" was a reference that looped back to the OP and said tongue in cheek. War/Love, bomb....get it?

 

Boy, people are really flipping their lid over something that hasn't even been DONE. Talk about being convicted before committing the crime!

 

As for "blowing the W's world apart", what gives? Time and time again I read how people think the BS should KNOW. And if I choose to do it, WHY SHOULDN'T I "enlighten" her?

How weird. TOWinNYC was talking about forcing a D-Day so the BS could get her WS in check. I wasn't aware this was such a popular way to deal with this stuff.

[Mimolicious]

How weird. TOWinNYC was talking about forcing a D-Day so the BS could get her WS in check. I wasn't aware this was such a popular way to deal with this stuff.

 

 

And it seems like the passion for hitting the "underline" button is also a popular trend.

[Dexter Morgan]

How weird. TOWinNYC was talking about forcing a D-Day so the BS could get her WS in check. I wasn't aware this was such a popular way to deal with this stuff.

 

there is a difference between informing a BS so they know what kind of spouse they are married to, as opposed to wanting to cause as much pain as possible to someone that didn't do a thing to them.

 

people like the latter hopefully will get what comes to them sooner or later.

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't feel guilty that I am having a relationship with the wife's husband. I feel wrong that lies are being told... Not sure whether that makes sense.

 

so you don't feel bad that you are a party to causing someone else pain or that you are a party to sh#####g on someone else?

[pureinheart]

This depends on the nature of the family dynamic, and the nature of the A. My H's kids knew about the A, and supported it. There was no deception of them, and no need for deception. They were pleased to trade in a highly dysfunctional family setup for a warm, loving, open and honest one, especially since it's drawn the extended family in closer too.

 

What I am saying is that it is in fact the persisting of the traditional family unit as being superior that makes for affairs. With a more flexible view on suitable family units one does not have to be so frightened that transformation of the family unit will bring about destruction to the family members. Thus the WS does not have to work so hard at concealing the new relationship which is likely to transform the present family unit.

 

 

Thank you all so much, there are so many good perspectives and comments, and am still "chewing" on all of them (meaning much food for thought;))

 

Possibly traditional works for some, although it is too constrictive for me as I need freedom in love and war. Love = freedom and war does also. It is sad that the battle sometimes has to take place in both to achieve the desired results.

 

I understand the definition of "traditional", although I think the boundries possibly should expand as in OWomans sitch, that is traditional also...it is normal. To have two parents that love their kids AND each other, to me it doesn't get much better, biological or not:).

 

I grew up according to Jennies sitch. A single parent, loving home, with everything I needed and then some...maybe "traditional" should be expanded a bit further:)...

 

My mother was an OW for several years, a highly respected individual in our community for her intellect and partying ability (lol), and was unapologetic.

 

I minded my own business and simply let her be my mother...and in writing this reply I hadn't realised until now how identical my upbringing was with Jennies current circumstances...I am able to speak with experience that I really didn't think about those things...I was in school, having bf's and really didn't concern myself with my mothers R or anyone elses for that matter.

[Owl]

See...I don't have an issue with someone who doesn't "believe" in traditional love.

 

If you don't want a "traditional relationship"...that's entirely your choice, and personally I commend someone who can recognize their own wants/needs/desires/limits and deliberately build their relationships accordingly.

 

The only time I have an issue is when that "lack of belief in traditional love" then gives them permission (in their own minds at least) to ignore OTHER people's beliefs/traditional relationships.

 

Nothing wrong with not believing in marriage and opting not to get married when you're in a relationship.

 

Everything wrong with not believing in marriage and using that to justify your participation in the destruction of someone else's existing marriage and in their spouse's emotional devestation.

 

Having different beliefs from others doesn't give you the right to impinge on the beliefs of others.

[Silly_Girl]

so you don't feel bad that you are a party to causing someone else pain or that you are a party to sh#####g on someone else?

 

The particular instances are such that I do not feel guilt for having a relationship with this man. I do not feel guilt for the wife. She has contributed to the situation also, she is jointly responsible for the marriage, if he has chosen to pursue a relationship with me and neglect their marriage, that's their problem.

 

However, I disapprove of deceit and feel she has a right to know what is going on in her life. I already know my point of view will garner no thought, consideration or respect from you so we may as well not bother pursuing any further threadjacking exchanges.

[You Go Girl]

Having different beliefs from others doesn't give you the right to impinge on the beliefs of others.

 

It's not even their beliefs. It's that their choice to live with their belief system has been robbed of them. It's the deception.

 

Anybody on here can live in whatever manner they choose, as long as they find a willing partner. But to take away from someone their right to know what their life really is, especially if it is a deceptive sham, that's where the problem lies. And LIES is the key word here.

 

Live anyway you want. It's your choice. I don't care how "you" (LS people) live. But don't deceive anyone into believing that their life is other than what it is for your personal selfish gain.

This deception is not only made by the cheating spouse. The OM/OW is deceiving someone, even if it is someone they have never met. THere is no disassociation or detachment from this responsibility. OWN IT, take the moral responsibility, and make it right.

[donnamaybe]

Live anyway you want. It's your choice. I don't care how "you" (LS people) live. But don't deceive anyone into believing that their life is other than what it is for your personal selfish gain.

 

This very succinctly sums up what is SO wrong with cheating.

[Dexter Morgan]

The particular instances are such that I do not feel guilt for having a relationship with this man. I do not feel guilt for the wife. She has contributed to the situation also, she is jointly responsible for the marriage, if he has chosen to pursue a relationship with me and neglect their marriage, that's their problem.

 

well, thanks for letting us know that married individuals are fair game to be capitalized on because they are having problems:rolleyes:

 

sorry, you can downplay your role in the whole thing if you want. I'd figure some sort of redemption could be had if you actually felt at least somewhat bad about the pain you are helping to cause someone else.

 

If I was a party to causing another man pain, which I won't be, I'd be feeling damn bad about it. Some people have a conscious, some don't.

 

 

However, I disapprove of deceit

 

then why are you with him? he is a cheating, deceitful liar.

 

 

 

and feel she has a right to know what is going on in her life. I already know my point of view will garner no thought, consideration or respect

 

you disrespect the wife, and you want to talk about respect?

Edited August 27, 2010 by Dexter Morgan

[Silly_Girl]

well, thanks for letting us know that married individuals are fair game to be capitalized on because they are having problems:rolleyes:

 

Yes, poor, poor MM, being bullied into a relationship, being taken advantage of. It's 100% my fault. Sod it, let's call it rape.

 

His marriage would otherwise be perfect and I must be the reason they've both been unhappy and disconnected for years. My not even knowing MM this time last year is irrelevant.

 

You don't know (or care to know) the circumstances. Love your pointless ranting!

 

sorry, you can downplay your despicable role in the whole thing if you want. I'd figure some sort of redemption could be had if you actually felt bad about the pain you are helping to cause someone else.

 

How do you know there's pain? Oh I remember, it's in your script. Jolly good.

 

If I was a party to causing another man pain, which I won't be, I'd be feeling damn bad about it. Some people have a conscious, some don't.

 

I have a conscience. Oh no wait. Because of my having a relationship you don't condone, I have NO conscience.

 

 

then why are you with him? he is a cheating, deceitful liar.

 

I've yet to meet a person I loved for whom I approved of EVERYTHING they ever did in every way.

 

you disrespect the wife, and you want to talk about respect?

 

Yes, Dexter. Yes I can talk about respect whilst showing no respect to the marriage between MM and his wife. How perceptive.

[Dexter Morgan]

Yes, poor, poor MM, being bullied into a relationship, being taken advantage of. It's 100% my fault. Sod it, let's call it rape.

 

you can dispense with the drama. Nobody would say that it is 100% your fault, but you do have a role in it.

 

glad to see you don't take responsibility for your actions even in the smallest form and could care less about the wrong doing of others.

 

 

Yes, Dexter. Yes I can talk about respect whilst showing no respect to the marriage between MM and his wife. How perceptive.

 

no, you can't, not without being a total hypocrite. I mean really, one that cries they aren't getting respect, yet doesn't give it.

[Silly_Girl]

you can dispense with the drama. Nobody would say that it is 100% your fault, but you do have a role in it.

 

glad to see you don't take responsibility for your actions even in the smallest form and could care less about the wrong doing of others.

 

no, you can't, not without being a total hypocrite. I mean really, one that cries they aren't getting respect, yet doesn't give it.

 

I was going to suggest you actually read my posts before you judge me, but hey, why spoil the fun?!?

[herenow]

Yes, Dexter. Yes I can talk about respect whilst showing no respect to the marriage between MM and his wife. How perceptive.

 

How about some respect for yourself?