DM85 Posted August 20, 2010 Share Posted August 20, 2010 Ladies, what would you think of a guy that wants to wait to have sex? In the past I usually have sex with someone I'm dating right away. This time I want to get to know her better before we do anything sexual. Neither of us have talked about sex yet. Am I being stupid or what? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 20, 2010 Share Posted August 20, 2010 What caused you to decide to do this 'differently'? How long have you been dating? What timeline are you talking about? A month? Three? Did you know this lady before you started dating her? I'm not wired for quick sex and, IME, none of the ladies I've dated seemed to mind the wait, generally 2-3 months after first meeting, including the one I married. Everyone is different. Link to post Share on other sites
Sivok Posted August 20, 2010 Share Posted August 20, 2010 If a woman is sexually comfortable with you, you don't have much to gain from holding back Link to post Share on other sites
Author DM85 Posted August 20, 2010 Author Share Posted August 20, 2010 What caused you to decide to do this 'differently'? How long have you been dating? What timeline are you talking about? A month? Three? Did you know this lady before you started dating her? I'm not wired for quick sex and, IME, none of the ladies I've dated seemed to mind the wait, generally 2-3 months after first meeting, including the one I married. Everyone is different. I want to try something different from what i used to do. The other relationships didn't work out too well. I really like her and I'm not sure if having sex with her too soon will mess things up. Just recently became official, but been seeing her for a little over a month. Link to post Share on other sites
InceptorsRule Posted August 20, 2010 Share Posted August 20, 2010 My first assumption would be that the guy must be having a herpes outbreak. Link to post Share on other sites
AverageJoe Posted August 20, 2010 Share Posted August 20, 2010 I have never had a relationship go bad and then think to myself, whoa...I shouldnt have had sex with her so quickly. I know she has a coke problem, but that damn sex issue just ruined everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DM85 Posted August 20, 2010 Author Share Posted August 20, 2010 I have never had a relationship go bad and then think to myself, whoa...I shouldnt have had sex with her so quickly. I know she has a coke problem, but that damn sex issue just ruined everything. well, after a while the relationship is all about sex and i dont really know **** about them. thats why i'm asking. Link to post Share on other sites
AverageJoe Posted August 20, 2010 Share Posted August 20, 2010 Just dont get yourself trapped. Here let Mario explain it to you Link to post Share on other sites
Lady_J Posted August 20, 2010 Share Posted August 20, 2010 Well, personally, I think its a refreshing change. I think ultimately you attract to you what you project. If you are slow and careful, it helps to avoid the mistakes you may have made in the past. As a woman I wouldn't find it offensive or odd, and I consider myself to be a quality catch. I am not saying that women that disagree aren't quality, just that I am, and that's where I stand on it. Link to post Share on other sites
meerkat stew Posted August 20, 2010 Share Posted August 20, 2010 OP, holding off for a man is a losing bet these days, very likely to annoy or turn off a woman who is ready more often than not, and she is sure not going to tell you or admit this. I will often hold out on the first or sometimes second date, but not after that if they are pressing. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted August 20, 2010 Share Posted August 20, 2010 Ladies, what would you think of a guy that wants to wait to have sex? In the past I usually have sex with someone I'm dating right away. This time I want to get to know her better before we do anything sexual. Neither of us have talked about sex yet. Am I being stupid or what? No. Your's is actually good policy. But I wouldn't take it too far. It definitely depends on what your hopes are for the person you're interested in. If you think she might just be "the one" for a committed relationship, then it makes sense to be gentlemanly while observing for evil skeletons in her closet. You don't want to jump face first into her loins and act with reckless emotional abandon only to find out a month later that there are some common deal-breakers (like concealing a child or children from you rather than being honest about it from the start). It really sucks to be manipulated into the bad guy who has to go back on all the affection he's shown. My example of concealing tangible weights on your future is not meant to assume that all men automatically bail if finding out such things after having formed a belief that their love interest comes without entanglements. It's just an example of definite weight to find out so that you are observing the truth all the way forward and not your own false presumptions. Surely there is much more devil in the details of what and what not to do in this situation, but I just stop here and validate that you are probably right to hold off going all the way if you're looking for a committed LTR. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DM85 Posted August 20, 2010 Author Share Posted August 20, 2010 No. Your's is actually good policy. But I wouldn't take it too far. It definitely depends on what your hopes are for the person you're interested in. If you think she might just be "the one" for a committed relationship, then it makes sense to be gentlemanly while observing for evil skeletons in her closet. You don't want to jump face first into her loins and act with reckless emotional abandon only to find out a month later that there are some common deal-breakers (like concealing a child or children from you rather than being honest about it from the start). It really sucks to be manipulated into the bad guy who has to go back on all the affection he's shown. My example of concealing tangible weights on your future is not meant to assume that all men automatically bail if finding out such things after having formed a belief that their love interest comes without entanglements. It's just an example of definite weight to find out so that you are observing the truth all the way forward and not your own false presumptions. Surely there is much more devil in the details of what and what not to do in this situation, but I just stop here and validate that you are probably right to hold off going all the way if you're looking for a committed LTR. I am looking for a LTR with her Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 20, 2010 Share Posted August 20, 2010 The other relationships didn't work out too well. Why? What about the sexual dynamic affected those relationships? The reason I wait is two-fold: One, I get to know the person without the feelings sex promotes in myself clouding my vision. Two, I prefer to progress relationships and friendships slowly; instant intimacy is uncomfortable and overwhelming. Your reasons will be your own, since you appear to be making a cognitive and pragmatic decision rather than one reflecting your intrinsic psychology. The key to your new perspective is finding a compatible woman, one who has the same intrinsic libido and sexual style as yourself, but is willing to progress slowly. When was the last time you had sexual contact with a woman that didn't progress to genital-related sex and orgasm? If non-sexual physical affection turns sexual (and you know what I mean by that), can you stop yourself? Will your actions match your words (the ones you say when you're discussing this with the woman you're dating)? Give it a try and, if it doesn't feel natural to you, I'd suggest going back to the old ways and finding a woman who is compatible with them, and you. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author DM85 Posted August 20, 2010 Author Share Posted August 20, 2010 Why? What about the sexual dynamic affected those relationships? The reason I wait is two-fold: One, I get to know the person without the feelings sex promotes in myself clouding my vision. Two, I prefer to progress relationships and friendships slowly; instant intimacy is uncomfortable and overwhelming. Your reasons will be your own, since you appear to be making a cognitive and pragmatic decision rather than one reflecting your intrinsic psychology. The key to your new perspective is finding a compatible woman, one who has the same intrinsic libido and sexual style as yourself, but is willing to progress slowly. When was the last time you had sexual contact with a woman that didn't progress to genital-related sex and orgasm? If non-sexual physical affection turns sexual (and you know what I mean by that), can you stop yourself? Will your actions match your words (the ones you say when you're discussing this with the woman you're dating)? Give it a try and, if it doesn't feel natural to you, I'd suggest going back to the old ways and finding a woman who is compatible with them, and you. Good luck It was just that in the past relationships it was all about sex. Didn't really have much in common with them, but the sex was good so we stayed together. I'd say it's been about two months since any kind of sexual contact, and yes i could stop myself. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 20, 2010 Share Posted August 20, 2010 LOL, I'm out 22 months, pending a divorce. Give me a call in a few more months OK, if the past was all about sex, there was a certain type of woman you were approaching, perhaps even unconsciously. Can you identify the features of this attraction and make a conscious decision to change? IMO, you really are making a quantum change here. Who you approach will change; how you approach will change; how you interact will change; how you are 'sexual' in manner but not in action will be a totally different aura. Watch a lot of Cary Grant movies Link to post Share on other sites
legallyblonde289 Posted August 20, 2010 Share Posted August 20, 2010 Women in general have little to no intrest in sex so they probably wouldn't care. please tell me you dont really believe this. women enjoy sex just as much as men but if we give into our desires too soon we are branded a whore or are not considered gf material. Link to post Share on other sites
Gattica Posted August 20, 2010 Share Posted August 20, 2010 It would be a nice change to meet a man willing to wait to have sex. I don't see anything stupid about waiting. I know how clouded my vision can be when the physical side of things get started right out of the gate. The best sex I have had has always been with men I have gotten to know on a deeper level than just casual before the physical was introduced. Link to post Share on other sites
AverageJoe Posted August 20, 2010 Share Posted August 20, 2010 please tell me you dont really believe this. women enjoy sex just as much as men but if we give into our desires too soon we are branded a whore or are not considered gf material. I agree and disagree. Other women brand you of this mostly. There are not many men that I know that say things like this. Have I heard it from men? Sure have, but not to the extent you may think. It doesnt happen often. I personally think its the biggest double standard that has ever been created. Women deserve just as much fun as us men do without being labled something. Its rediculous. Although, there are people out there that certainly live up to the truest sense of the word. I see them on street corners from time to time. Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted August 21, 2010 Share Posted August 21, 2010 It was just that in the past relationships it was all about sex. Didn't really have much in common with them, but the sex was good so we stayed together. I'd say it's been about two months since any kind of sexual contact, and yes i could stop myself. One of my exes approached sex just like this before we were together. He actually said he actively wanted to wait until we were in love before having sex. I found this a bit odd, but his reasoning was not unlike yours here. And it seemed sound to me. We did wait. We did fall in love. Sex was fantastic. We were happy for quite awhile. I will point out that a few of my friends at the time (most of these were the low quality friends who aren't really friends anymore) said that it was because he was lacking physically or sexually (way off, gals: he was not lacking in any way and was in fact quite good in bed) in some way and wanted to "trap" me before sleeping with me and demonstrating that. I find this notion silly, and I'd hope any woman who was worthwhile would've ignored such advice, as I did, and laughed it off. But the attitude exists. Of course, it really depends on how long you're waiting, too. (We wound up waiting about 2-3 months after it came up, but we'd already been dating a little over a month. You likely don't mean to wait as long as that.) Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted August 21, 2010 Share Posted August 21, 2010 If jumping into a sexual relationship hasn't been working out for you, it makes sense to try something different. Link to post Share on other sites
jamesum Posted August 21, 2010 Share Posted August 21, 2010 Women in general have little to no intrest in sex so they probably wouldn't care. If you had no penis you wont have interest in sex either. Of course, it really depends on how long you're waiting, too. (We wound up waiting about 2-3 months after it came up, but we'd already been dating a little over a month. You likely don't mean to wait as long as that.) It reminds me of a question I have always wanted to ask. How long women are generally willing to wait on sex before they consider it not worth it and seek another man? For men I think on average it ranges from 3 dates to 2 months. Link to post Share on other sites
NancyBotwin Posted August 21, 2010 Share Posted August 21, 2010 It would be a nice change to meet a man willing to wait to have sex. I don't see anything stupid about waiting. I know how clouded my vision can be when the physical side of things get started right out of the gate. The best sex I have had has always been with men I have gotten to know on a deeper level than just casual before the physical was introduced. OP- I could have written your posts and the one above. I knew I wanted to get to know the last man I dated. Not because I was worried or didn't trust him, but because I was totally over the moon crazy about him. I didn't want to mess it up by jumping in the sack like I had in the past. I was never a tramp, but in other R's I tended to get physical quick, just like you. Anyway, we spent a lot of time together, but waited longer than what's the rule now? The third or fourth date? He's my hubby now! Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted August 21, 2010 Share Posted August 21, 2010 If you had no penis you wont have interest in sex either. It reminds me of a question I have always wanted to ask. How long women are generally willing to wait on sex before they consider it not worth it and seek another man? For men I think on average it ranges from 3 dates to 2 months. Even in the case of the fellow I talked about, which as a non-virgin adult is the longest I've waited (guess it was about 4 months), I wouldn't have been willing to wait that long had we not had very open and honest communication about why we were waiting, how we felt about each other, that we were attracted, etc, and I know girls that would feel bad about themselves or question their attractiveness because of it. I think a lot of this comes down not to patience --- even with men --- but to that "OMG, does that mean he/she isn't attracted to me?!?!?" fear people have. I see this a lot on these boards when men say they won't keep dating a girl because she hasn't been as sexually reciprocating as they like. They question her motives for dating them. People who know they're hot are going to worry about this less, as are people who personally feel that sex is about more than jumping anything that's hot. Without some sort of communication about it, if a fellow doesn't try to sleep with me within a month, it'd probably raise a red flag. I'm willing to wait awhile -- not till marriage or any serious landmark, but time isn't a huge issue -- if there is a good, clear reason to do so that I agree with. The time itself isn't a factor. A healthy, compatible attitude towards sex is. Link to post Share on other sites
jamesum Posted August 22, 2010 Share Posted August 22, 2010 (edited) Even in the case of the fellow I talked about, which as a non-virgin adult is the longest I've waited (guess it was about 4 months), I wouldn't have been willing to wait that long had we not had very open and honest communication about why we were waiting, how we felt about each other, that we were attracted, etc, and I know girls that would feel bad about themselves or question their attractiveness because of it. I think a lot of this comes down not to patience --- even with men --- but to that "OMG, does that mean he/she isn't attracted to me?!?!?" fear people have. I see this a lot on these boards when men say they won't keep dating a girl because she hasn't been as sexually reciprocating as they like. They question her motives for dating them. People who know they're hot are going to worry about this less, as are people who personally feel that sex is about more than jumping anything that's hot. Without some sort of communication about it, if a fellow doesn't try to sleep with me within a month, it'd probably raise a red flag. I'm willing to wait awhile -- not till marriage or any serious landmark, but time isn't a huge issue -- if there is a good, clear reason to do so that I agree with. The time itself isn't a factor. A healthy, compatible attitude towards sex is. Lol, so basically Fowler was right. Women dont really care about the sex itself. They dont want men who wait too long not because they cant stand not having sex, but because they feel unwanted and it hurts their ego. Edited August 22, 2010 by jamesum Link to post Share on other sites
Fire Salamander Posted August 22, 2010 Share Posted August 22, 2010 Decline the first time, then do it the second. Whenever I did that whole let's wait because if we have sex now we won't grow together anymore... It's only been detrimental. I believe sex can advance a relationship. I used to subscribe to the notion that you should wait 6+ months before sex is involved. Not having sex can hurt you more than having sex too early. Anyone remember that scene for Sex in the City where the main char (Carrie?) dates that guy Ian (the guy who owned the high end furniture store). He said he wanted to wait because he cared too much. Nothing ever materialized because of that. Link to post Share on other sites
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