SadandConfusedWA Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Don't we too hard on her Jilly. We all do that (try to find something that we like better than the actual truth). I don't even think it's such a bad thing. If she thinks "this guy just didn't find me attractive" and this brings her confidence down then why torture herself with that? If she thinks "this guy is a player" and it makes her feel better than what's so wrong with that? After all, we can't read his mind and we don't know. While it is always nice to think that people are honest, you and I both know that often they are just not. She might as well pick "the truth" she likes better. It's all the same to him.
Author kristinpea1979 Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 Thanks everyone! Particularly to the ones who have sympathized and/or offered kind words of encouragement. Even thank you to the "tough love" ones out there, you know who you are. It's not that I wanted a more fitting truth, it just boils down to why a person would do certain actions if they feel a certain way. The mystery is why his actions and words ("I know if there's chemistry after 10 minutes but I'm going to drag the date out for 7 hours" example). I guess all I would have liked is some consistency. Who doesn't like consistency? I am also not going to lie, and I will say one more time that I am NOT used to being rejected, and it stings like heck! I've dumped all my past bf's, and the few internet dates I've gone on in the past 10 years have always been rejected by me, not them. It's just a little bit of a blow to an ego of a 30 year old woman. I have had to come to the reality that I am in fact not perfect haha. I may think I am a great girlfriend, and attractive, sweet, caring person, but there might be something that just rubs someone the wrong way. Harsh reality! lol. I guess I may have blown it out of proportion, but no one can argue that this guy did his fair share of wrong things leading up to and on this date, especially if he didn't feel it. If he did have a change of heart afterwards, then I will simply have to accept that. His last text to me said he'd be in touch, but I have stopped holding my breath, and at this point, I barely care! This site is great, it really helps! Working on changing my mind-set as we speak, and might give this online dating thing a fair try!! Thanks!
xpaperxcutx Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I have to give my .02 cents here. For a guy to even announce " distinctly' that he's been on 100 dates in the past sets off an alarm here. He's either egotistical or he was trying to incite jealousy or competition to get you to want to outperform the other 99 ladies. I mean, really, why blab? Ever heard of modesty? I have to agree with some posters on here, he smells like a player. He was prepared to lure you to sleep with him ( or at least try to get you to sleep with him). The whole touching, kissing thing had merely been his tactic toward seduction.
Cuccoon Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I agree with the player analysis. Both you and I thought we felt really special to our dates, and perhaps this is exactly how they wanted us to feel, in a calculated way. Not men to date again. You're doing great.
dispatch3d Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I agree with the player analysis. Both you and I thought we felt really special to our dates, and perhaps this is exactly how they wanted us to feel, in a calculated way. Not men to date again. You're doing great. those clever bastards, giving woman what they want. How manipulative and evil. We must watch out for them ;-).
Star Gazer Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I disagree with the player analysis, as a player wouldn't have ended it at one date. Don't we all agree? Instead, I think this guy has something in mind (however un/reasonable that thing is), and OP just wasn't it. So he cut bait quickly, rather than getting her completely hooked. Not something worth pining/analyzing any further than that.
dispatch3d Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 I disagree with the player analysis, as a player wouldn't have ended it at one date. Don't we all agree? Instead, I think this guy has something in mind (however un/reasonable that thing is), and OP just wasn't it. So he cut bait quickly, rather than getting her completely hooked. Not something worth pining/analyzing any further than that. A true player would definitely end it at the first date. Opening post is way too into the player to be a friends with benefits, or a one night stand without the player feeling bad about getting her that emotionally involved. He would then have to evaluate whether she was good enough for a long term relationship (after one freaking date I might add) and whether he wants to have a long term relationship at this point rather than a bunch of fwb etc. The odds are stacked against op to begin with. He wouldn't need to keep dating her for sex. Or to "get" sex, however you want to word it. He likely is already getting sex. It has no value. He can also date another girl who isn't so in love with him, and who will give him sex without demanding a relationship in return. Bingo bango. Guy is a true player.
dispatch3d Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 fwiw a non true player wouldn't walk because ultimately they want the sex and will have to wait for weeks/likely months for the next opportunity to arrise. Hence they don't walk. You don't know if a guys a true player until you see his willingness to walk.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 If you're new to OLD I am getting less new to OLD every day.
melodymatters Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 I am getting less new to OLD every day. What the heck is OLD ? At first I thought someone was misspelling OKC !
xpaperxcutx Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 I disagree with the player analysis, as a player wouldn't have ended it at one date. Don't we all agree? Instead, I think this guy has something in mind (however un/reasonable that thing is), and OP just wasn't it. So he cut bait quickly, rather than getting her completely hooked. Not something worth pining/analyzing any further than that. Most players have narcissisitic characteristics, so walking away isn't a problem. If they truly feel they're God's gift to women, encountering a woman not willing to give it so easily is more than a prompt answer for them to bail and seek out a new target. I once saw a segment on Dr. Phil about men who are narcissitic and does PDA, and one of the men easily went out and encountered up to 50 women in a single day for the sole purpose of getting their number. When the guy encountered a blockage such as a woman refusing to cooperate or hand out her number, he immediately ignored her ( without so much as a goodbye) and went on his way.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 fwiw a non true player wouldn't walk because ultimately they want the sex and will have to wait for weeks/likely months for the next opportunity to arrise. Hence they don't walk. You don't know if a guys a true player until you see his willingness to walk. Exactemente. A player can walk because he knows he has options, so he has no conscience as to how a woman would feel ultimately. His primary goal first and foremost had been about tapping a girl. The ones that do stay and plan second and third dates do not bail because they either know they do not have other options or they're willing to chance hoping to get " lucky" ( in every meaning of the word). The latter always leaves it up to chance if they're aware of their dating possibilities being slim to none. Ex- An abercrombie model knows ( and thinks) he can get lucky with any women primarily based on profession and looks ( these two traits being the most prolific in the dating world). An average joe can only chance his dating success down to a 50% possibility because half the time he either only has his profession or his looks.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 What the heck is OLD ? At first I thought someone was misspelling OKC ! Well, let's see: ONLINE Dating ???!!! (though I was using the traditional "Old" in my post)
Girlygirl1977 Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 KrisitinPea - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t240886/ I feel like we met similar type of men who are good at dating. Your guy probably has more time on his hands though. So I definitely know how you feel. The problem is the build-up with these guys but they are good at it. I do think they are picky and potentially have so many options that they act like this. Btw - for my guy i got a msg 2 wks after the date saying: "[my name] - I'm sorry I have been out of touch. I don't think we will work out. You are a really great and very attractive girl, but sometimes there is just something missing". It was pretty ridiculous to get 1.5 weeks after our last communication. In this case, he sent a msg right after the date saying it was great to meet and he hopes to see me soon and then we had one more exchange where i initiated the text the next day. So he did likely do a 180. THis is what happens with the serial daters. . .they are really fussy and looking for something particular which they think you are and then they think you arent! Good luck and don't let it get you down!
greenwood Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 Sweetie, What I want to tell you is basically that you need to do your best and try to let this man go... Just take it easy and try to let him go. Recently I have been in a same situation, went out with this perfect guy on a perfect first date. I know it sounds like eeeew, but yes we did click! Spent amazing time together, then kissed and cuddled a bit... At the end of the date he says are you free on friday because i would like to see you again, so I honestly tell him I am not sure, depends on my work. He says well if not friday, then saturday, any time, because I would like to take you out again... Then we kiss and cuddle again for a bit and I leave him in his car... He waits until I get in and drives away. After 20 mins he texts me saying he had a great time and feels attracted to me (not these words obvs.), I text him back... And haven't heard from him ever since. Luckily (?) I am a type of a girl who is kind of shy so I just don't text guys. Anyway it has been like 3 weeks now and I keep thinking about all this. When I say we clicked I mean I told him some things NOBODY knows about me, not even my best friends etc, and the reason for this was that HE was telling me things as well... It sort of just happened. And then the kissing part, I could tell he was literally shivering, and so was I... It's kind of hard to write about this now and put it the way it happened... At the moment I saw him that night I just became so relaxed and I could feel I can be myself with him, and so he opened up to me because, I assume, he felt the same way. So we had a nice click, talked and laughed and blah blah blah. Seriously, I have just decided a few days ago that I need to let him go, you know, metaphorically (haha), and ever since I made this decision I kind of feel better... Although I still come here and read the threads about men performing the disappearing act after the first date. I will keep reading your thread because I am also extremely curious about WHY do guys do all this, kissing and cuddling, and touching your hair gently and clearly being attracted, and that's it, finito, they're gone. I just don't understand, honestly. I simply refuse to believe people can be such players. I also refuse to believe any human being can treat another like that. If I am on a date, and I don't feel it's gonna happen, I politely end the thing. I also try to be friendly and so on. Most of the times I think I just focus on the things I like about the person, even if I am not attracted physically. Every time I learn something new about people, and eventually I feel happy and lucky (and hope the other half does too), even if there is no attraction. Oh and by the way my date was not an online thing, I have met him once before and talked to him for about half an hour, and that's when he asked me for my number. So it's not just something that can happen if you are dating online. Well, your man has at least been honest with you, sort of. Anyways, keep it cool, don't waste much time thinking about him. I believe if something's meant to be, the fate will reopen some locked doors for you in one way or the other. So don't think about it too much, try to relax and enjoy your life.
dispatch3d Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 lolol lady there is no ****ing way you can pretend woman treat men better on the dating scene than vice versa. Lol you have to be frigin kidding. How about using a guy for free meals? Free vacations? To buy your drinks for the night? etc. etc. Probably half of all dates woman are just looking for free rides. How about not replying to texts, making plans then canceling just before, etc. etc. etc. Inviting a guy to some event, then deciding to let him show up there alone rather than go with them. I could go on and on. Girls treat guys WAY WORSE than guys treat girls. Handssss down. Why didnt you just text him once in those 3 days? It's like <2 minutes of your time and you could be on a date with a guy you really like. Your situation seems different (and more your own damn fault). One major difference with "these guys" is you aren't some ****ing special flower. If you don't hold up your end of the relationship your out. That simple .
Imajerk17 Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 (edited) I was going to write a sympathetic response here, Kristin. My first thought actually was that the guy led you on--he did everything that indicated high interest to you and so you opened up to him. But after reading your other threads, I think I can see what really happened. That your last boyfriend has such little going for him would be a HUGE red flag for me. Why did you even go for him in the first place? Why did you stick with him for so long? You're a nice-looking girl who has a lot going for her, on paper--surely you probably get a lot of male attention. You couldn't have found someone who had more going for him to treat you well? Harsh questions, but that was what I was wondering, and I'm sure, what this guy was wondering too. Even if the guy you went on the date with didn't hear about your last relationship, he probably picked it up. The thing is, Kristen, that we are in relationships with people of similar maturity. That your last boyfriend was such a loser means that you can't be too sharp yourself. And that might have come across to this guy you went on a date with. And so he told you something about "not the chemistry he was expecting in real life" and so on. Edited August 26, 2010 by Imajerk17
Author kristinpea1979 Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 I was going to write a sympathetic response here, Kristin. My first thought actually was that the guy led you on--he did everything that indicated high interest to you and so you opened up to him. But after reading your other threads, I think I can see what really happened. That your last boyfriend has such little going for him would be a HUGE red flag for me. Why did you even go for him in the first place? Why did you stick with him for so long? You're a nice-looking girl who has a lot going for her, on paper--surely you probably get a lot of male attention. You couldn't have found someone who had more going for him to treat you well? Harsh questions, but that was what I was wondering, and I'm sure, what this guy was wondering too. Even if the guy you went on the date with didn't hear about your last relationship, he probably picked it up. The thing is, Kristen, that we are in relationships with people of similar maturity. That your last boyfriend was such a loser means that you can't be too sharp yourself. And that might have come across to this guy you went on a date with. And so he told you something about "not the chemistry he was expecting in real life" and so on. Hmm. That is an interesting perspective, however my last boyfriend never came up. He didn't know a single thing about him, or about the breakup really. I felt it was too early to discuss such things, and the topic never even came up. All he knew is that I was recently out of a relationship that ended on my terms. I don't think he should get any credit for "picking up on that," because there really is no possible way he could have done so. Unless he's a psychic. lol. I could see your point if I did get into it with him, but I didn't. It might make him question my judgement, absolutely. As for my choice in dating someone so wrong for me, I think most of us are guilty of giving people the benefit of the doubt, and clinging to some hope that we are the ones who will cause them to change for the better. I am that type of person....although after this experience, I am definitely going to be MUCH more selective!! Thanks for the feedback!
Philetus Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I don't get why you're being so harshly judged, Kristen. I don't see anything that would drive someone away. You had a great night with someone who seemed attentive, romantic, and fun. I'm sorry it didn't work out but I don't see any mistakes you made. I really don't think it would have mattered what you did in terms of making out. I've had dates just like yours that turned out to be terrific. My first date with my current gf was not unlike yours with her texting me the next morning. We're in love. Here's my best guess on your guy based on my experience. Dating was very easy for me and there are so many fantastic women out there that my standards got ridiculously high. I had at least three first dates that were similar to yours but didn't go anywhere - two ended in sex, the other only kissing. I knew, early on, that I likely wouldn't see these women after this first date, but I still had a good time and I was addicted to seducing women. So, unless someone was a complete 'no' I lived in the moment and let the date become what it wanted to become. If we ended up in bed, great. If we didn't, great. Sex was easy to get so it wasn't a strong goal. I just enjoyed the evening for what it was. A chance to date someone fun but not a prelude to something to come. Within 48 hours, I contacted these women to say (with some variation) that I thought they were lovely but didn't see anything more happening. The reasons varied but they were all small. Any one of those people I could have dated at one point in my life but, as I said, my standards grew to ridiculous highs. If you're guy was like me, there is nothing you could have done differently. There was likely some small thing about you that wasn't quite 'right' so he's moving on. With internet dating, people are disposable and easily replaced.
Imajerk17 Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Hmm. That is an interesting perspective, however my last boyfriend never came up. He didn't know a single thing about him, or about the breakup really. I felt it was too early to discuss such things, and the topic never even came up. All he knew is that I was recently out of a relationship that ended on my terms. I don't think he should get any credit for "picking up on that," because there really is no possible way he could have done so. Unless he's a psychic. lol. I could see your point if I did get into it with him, but I didn't. It might make him question my judgement, absolutely. As for my choice in dating someone so wrong for me, I think most of us are guilty of giving people the benefit of the doubt, and clinging to some hope that we are the ones who will cause them to change for the better. I am that type of person....although after this experience, I am definitely going to be MUCH more selective!! Thanks for the feedback! If he saw your Facebook page, then he probably had some idea of who your ex-boyfriend is. Sorry. Moral of the story Kristin: Don't date losers again. They cause you problems even after you break up!
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