Had an amazing first date, then nothing!?

[dispatch3d]

I guess what I find weird in this scenario is that the guy was not only prolonging the night, but kept touching her in ways that didn't lead to sex.

 

I mean would you really be inclined to hold someone tight, kiss their hair, forehead etc etc without sex happening if you don't feel attracted to the person? WTF is in-person chemistry if it's not natural conversation and romantic vibe as in touching etc?

 

Or maybe he was really doing it all in the hope to get sex that night so he was "acting romantic" . That's all I can come up with. When the night ended, he just wasn't interested enough to keep trying but would have welcomed sex that night.

 

guys don't "get" sex from girls anymore than they "give" sex. Sex just happens because two people want to have sex. It's not the be-all-end-all.

 

I'm not sure if he would have taken it all the way or not. It's really hard to say. You did decide to end the night early, not sure why? Wasn't much reasoning other than "I wanted to be the one to end it".

 

He sounds to me like a guy who really knows what he's doing on dates. Everything he did was very smart+good. The challenge thing may have been your biggest problem. The other (big) problem I can see is he's going out on a lot of dates. Meaning he has a lot of options. You had to show him how/why you were a better option than the others. He even stated "I've been going on a LOT of dates". Meaning he's probably busy (going on these dates), may have met someone he liked more, etc.

 

It sounds like instead of trying to make sure you kept him, you were more trying to put the brakes on at times and not get too involved too early. It's really hard to describe. Just the overall tone/mood of your writing is that he was the one pushing the envelope the entire time, he was the one escalating, and you really were just a bystandered there watching it happen. This may have been part of the challenging thing. If you had showed signs you were really interested in him, then withdrew a few times... or if you had put up more challenges he could have easily overcome+felt good about overcoming, maybe you could have kept him.

 

That's all that really comes to mind. I'd assume you wouldn't have often met a guy who you feel you had to keep, rather than you just show up and automatically everything goes well. Anyhow, good luck! I'd say everything isn't over+done with yet.

[dispatch3d]

just thought of this, but imagine a guy makes the exact same post op did. I met this girl, had a great date, I really like her, but when I called her she said she wasn't that interested. WTF?

 

Lol its just funny to me. For girls they show up, and they expect that if they like the guy everything goes as planned. This is, afterall, how it usually works. I'm pretty sure this guy has managed to flip the script to be the opposite, and op didn't know what hit her, :-o.

 

But maybe I'm just a typical bitter male. Who knows, It's best I seperated my bitterness from the rest of my post .

 

Still, imagine a guy writing that post. Funny.

[kristinpea1979]

I didn't mean for it to sound as if i were passive the entire night. I'd initiate a kiss, grab his hand, hug him, etc, but he was the one to first initiate the physical contact. The reason I decided to end the night was because it was 1am, and I know he gets up for work at 6:30am, and was trying to be respectful. If I'd come on too strong, or stayed past my welcome, that could have turned him off too, but apparently my reserved manner did the same, so I feel like I can't win either way! I truly feel as though I played things correctly and was myself, just the right balance, but if he expected more from me, then I guess we're not a good match! Duh, lol.

 

As far as men not posting messages like this, one could argue that it is partly because if a woman doesn't feel the chemistry, she doesn't put on a choreographed evening of kissing, romantic gestures and touching to lead a guy on. If i didn't feel chemistry, and this guy claimed that he'd know "in the first 10minutes," I wouldn't have done ANY of those things. It's the fact that he specifically told me that he ends dates early when he doesn't feel it. Well, our date not only made it past 10minutes, but it exceeded 7hours...add in all the kissing, cuddling,etc, and you can easily see how the romantic in all of us ladies would be extremely confused!!

[Pink Cupcakes]

I don't get the humor, dispatch, and lots of guys have also had similar posts about having a great date and the girl ending up not being interested even though the guy felt she seemed extremely into him on the date....so don't get the punchline which is making you LOL so much??? It's not male vs. female here.

 

Back to the post without poking fun at OP as dispatch has, I can explain any behavior of his, but I would not contact him at all. If he reconsiders, then he should be the one to contact you. Also, in my opinion, if you do end up going out again, like others said, don't go back to his place and get emotionally invested too soon. I would let him make the major moves for quite a while, and make sure you are exclusive by having a discussion before you sleep with him.

[Jilly Bean]

he didn't feel quite the level of in-person chemistry that he expected/wanted to feel with me.

 

He already told you why he doesn't want to date you anymore.

 

Both of you spent way too much time talking in advance, and during that time, both built up a lot of expectations. Once you met in person, he wasn't overly attracted to you. Well, not enough to keep dating you, at least.

 

It sounds like he was trying to get into you physically, because he had already liked your personality from your conversations, but it didn't gel in person. THAT'S why he didn't push you for sex - he wasn't interested, even though it sounds like he was trying to get himself attracted to you.

 

Women amaze me sometimes. They bitch that guys play games, etc., and here is a guy who told you flat out why he doesn't want to date you again, and you're still looking for other answers. lol

[SadandConfusedWA]

I went through something similar with a guy, that's why this weirds me out so much.

 

In my case, the guy was incredibly romantic (we had more than one date) and was just doing things like take my both hands in his and look into my eyes with a smile for 15 minutes, kiss me everywhere - hair, forehead, eyebrows (in public places so no sex), hold my hand across the table during dinner, make out heavily for 4 hours without sex - he was VERY turned on (I wanted to wait) etc etc. Gaze into my eyes and touch my face while kissing .....

 

And then he just pretty much dropped off the face of earth.

 

There are many "great first dates but no call" threads BUT those dates are typically "great conversation, a kiss at the end of the night" and that's it. I mean I can see how there can be no attraction in these scenarios.

 

But the amount of touching, kissing, caressing, holding someone that you have no attraction for...WTF?

[TaurusTerp]

I went through something similar with a guy, that's why this weirds me out so much.

 

In my case, the guy was incredibly romantic (we had more than one date) and was just doing things like take my both hands in his and look into my eyes with a smile for 15 minutes, kiss me everywhere - hair, forehead, eyebrows (in public places so no sex), hold my hand across the table during dinner, make out heavily for 4 hours without sex - he was VERY turned on (I wanted to wait) etc etc. Gaze into my eyes and touch my face while kissing .....

 

And then he just pretty much dropped off the face of earth.

 

There are many "great first dates but no call" threads BUT those dates are typically "great conversation, a kiss at the end of the night" and that's it. I mean I can see how there can be no attraction in these scenarios.

 

But the amount of touching, kissing, caressing, holding someone that you have no attraction for...WTF?

 

Some guys are just good at dating, that's all.

 

Trust me...you can do all the touching and kissing and hand holding in the moment, but afterwards when you're thinking about whether or not you'd be compatible with the girl, you go ehhhhhh....and it's not that the guys aren't attracted to you, obviously they were because they saw your picture and liked it. There was just something missing.

[ilovetogetflowers1]

It's tough dating guys on via internet sites. In a way its easy to meet people, but you have to think he's also dating several other girls as well. A lot of people use these sites as a quick way to get laid unfortunately

[SadandConfusedWA]

Some guys are just good at dating, that's all.

 

Trust me...you can do all the touching and kissing and hand holding in the moment, but afterwards when you're thinking about whether or not you'd be compatible with the girl, you go ehhhhhh....and it's not that the guys aren't attracted to you, obviously they were because they saw your picture and liked it. There was just something missing.

 

Thanks, that's a plausible explanation. I had my doubts about us being compatible too but was willing to stick it out just for the romance!

[kristinpea1979]

It is definitely a plausible explanation. I guess it's just hard to grasp because if I had felt that way, I wouldn't have taken it as far, especially not right up until the end of the date where he was excited to talk to me the next day, he hugged and kept giving me these small, playful kisses all over, etc. I can be to blame for investing as much as I had emotionally, and banking it all on my FIRST date since joining the online dating world. If something seems too good to be true, it usually is! It all came so easy, I just felt so in the moment, that we met for a reason, and we had so many little things in common, it just seemed like it was going to be great...I need to stop putting this guy up on such a pedestal, too. I am acting like he was the most perfect guy on the planet, although while thinking back to things in his house, etc, there were definitely things I wasn't really too sure about. I was so into making him my fantasy man that I have been acting like he was perfect and that I am the one who is at loss here.

 

I suppose that I will just have to go with the fact that he thought about it after the fact, and either isn't ready to commit or there were just some things about me that he didn't like. I won't buy that he wasn't attracted to me, but there must have been something else. My friend had a good point, that I may not be so sad about losing the guy and he isn't as perfect as I make him seem, it's more a function of the rejection, which I don't mean to be conceited when I say this, but I am usually the one doing the rejecting in my past relationships. It was bound to happen, and I am sure I will grow from it. Everyone has different likes and dislikes, and I can't let it get me down because a guy doesn't want to date me. I will be impressed to see what kind of girl can tame a serial dater who claims to have been on 100 dates in the last year and a half anyways! Haha...

 

Just gotta laugh at this point....

[kristinpea1979]

Women amaze me sometimes. They bitch that guys play games, etc., and here is a guy who told you flat out why he doesn't want to date you again, and you're still looking for other answers. lol

 

yes, he did tell me the reason, but I know I am not the only one who doesn't think the reason goes along with the actions, that is all. I am starting to see that I guess he was probably testing the waters, but wow....7 hours is a long time to "try." He could have ended the date after the drinks, we'd already kissed a bunch of times by then, held hands etc. It just bothers me the lengths he went to just to take me on a "test drive." Especially when he said he always knew within 10 minutes...

 

Either way, I can't over-analyze it anymore. There have been some great comments and feedback, and all I can do at this point is learn from it and move on! IF he ends up changing his mind, I'd be willing to hear what he has to say, but I am not investing any more of my time and thought on it!

[sugarmomma]

we'd already kissed a bunch of times by then, held hands etc.

 

That's a lot for a first date since this guy was basically a stranger you chatted with online. He probably figured if he could get kisses, hugs, and hand holding most of the night then surely you're looking for sex.

 

Next time just take it easy on all the physical touching and stuff on a first date. He may have gotten the wrong message and then it didn't turn out the way he wanted so he sent the "rejection" text.

 

**** him!! But you also don't want to send mixed messages on first dates with virtual strangers.

[dispatch3d]

It is definitely a plausible explanation. I guess it's just hard to grasp because if I had felt that way, I wouldn't have taken it as far, especially not right up until the end of the date where he was excited to talk to me the next day, he hugged and kept giving me these small, playful kisses all over, etc. I can be to blame for investing as much as I had emotionally, and banking it all on my FIRST date since joining the online dating world. If something seems too good to be true, it usually is! It all came so easy, I just felt so in the moment, that we met for a reason, and we had so many little things in common, it just seemed like it was going to be great...I need to stop putting this guy up on such a pedestal, too. I am acting like he was the most perfect guy on the planet, although while thinking back to things in his house, etc, there were definitely things I wasn't really too sure about. I was so into making him my fantasy man that I have been acting like he was perfect and that I am the one who is at loss here.

 

I suppose that I will just have to go with the fact that he thought about it after the fact, and either isn't ready to commit or there were just some things about me that he didn't like. I won't buy that he wasn't attracted to me, but there must have been something else. My friend had a good point, that I may not be so sad about losing the guy and he isn't as perfect as I make him seem, it's more a function of the rejection, which I don't mean to be conceited when I say this, but I am usually the one doing the rejecting in my past relationships. It was bound to happen, and I am sure I will grow from it. Everyone has different likes and dislikes, and I can't let it get me down because a guy doesn't want to date me. I will be impressed to see what kind of girl can tame a serial dater who claims to have been on 100 dates in the last year and a half anyways! Haha...

 

Just gotta laugh at this point....

 

He has no reason to "claim" to have been on 100 dates in the last year. I think he was just preparing you for what kind of guy he is like. Obviously he's very fussy if he goes on many dates. To him the date was probably kinda meh, so he didn't get that attached, had other dates scheduled, and decided to take a pass.

 

That's what I'm saying. You aren't experiencing something "normal" to you. Normally you show up to the date, the guy likes you, and you decide whether to get with him or not. I truly believe this is probably the first/one of the few times you met a guy who was willing to walk if he wasn't really into you. Most guys will date a good looking woman despite her down sides. This guy is probably much more fussy because he can get more dates+have good first dates. Everything he did screams that he's good at dating and thus has his pick of the litter. Just because your in love with him doesn't automatically mean you are going to hook up with him no matter what you do. That doesn't seem to be even in your paradigm of thinking.

 

Which is why I said imagine if a guy wrote that opening post. It would never happen. A guy would never analyze things like you have here.

[dispatch3d]

The other thing is, and I find itpretty ****ing hilarious noone has picked up on it until this point, the guy is a player. Lol he is like one of the biggest players you have ever encountered. You don't even realize it. For all the guys who weren't players who youcalled them that, this guy is the real deal.

 

1. Over 100 dates.

2. Switched venues a bunch, creating a sense you've known him for a long time.

3. Spent the necessary phone time to ensure you would show up.

4. Was excellent at the touching part of things, to intiate the "sexual" feel

5. Got you to go to his place without triggering you're "oh no it's too soon" vibe

6. Set up challenges for you regularly. The 10 minutes thing being one (It's pretty good and I may adopt some version of it). I can't pull what this guy pulls though because I just wouldn't be congruent with it.

7. Sounds like everything had a pretty good flow to it.

 

The real reason he likely didn't pursue things is he doesn't want a comitted relationship, and it would be unfair to you to try to pursue things. Talking about having a dream about him and acting so star struck (as you likely did), probably made him clue in you were really really into him. So he may have cut you over that. Especially if he is a player as I'm 99% sure he is.

[melodymatters]

Over 100 dates in a year and a half. And TELLING you that ?!? There are a lot of people on these sites that have been there for 5 yrs or so, serially dating. To me thats creepy and says more about them than you.

 

You were supposed to " beat out" these other 100 woman and be the perfect modern day Cinderella of his dreams from date one, what part didn't you get ? LOL:rolleyes:

[kristinpea1979]

You're right, you're right!? How could I think that highly of myself that I would be the perfect Cinderella to a guy who is a serial dater?! I honestly don't know what it WOULD take, but being that he described me (after the fact) as stunning, smart, sweet, from a great family with great traits," tells me that it will take a LOT more than most/any woman can offer to get him to change his ways.

 

Not sure why he mentioned the 100 dates/serial dater thing, perhaps an exaggeration, but why tell that to a woman!? And hey, I'm the one who proceeded, so I can't really blame him for that!

 

Dispatch, I really didn't want to consider him a player, but you really are right. This guy knows what he is doing. He even had my favorite wine (which we'd discussed previously) on hand at his house - coincidence? on purpose? Perhaps....if he really is a pro like you say....it all really does add up.

 

Ahhh I guess I did dodge a bullet with this one, and maybe should count myself as lucky that he didn't drag it out longer!

[curlygirl40]

OP it sounds like you have worked a lot of this out in your head, with some help from everyone here. That's why a site like this is valuable, to talk it out sometimes helps you figure it out and move on.

 

After an 18 year marriage I'm now back in the dating world, a friend recommended I read some books so I did. One of the things that hit me hard is this.

 

What is the goal of the first date? The writer of the book thinks the goal is to make sure you have a second date. NOT to tell him your life story or to make sure he knows everything there is to know about you (impossible anyway over one dinner, etc). BUT to make sure you've left him wanting to see you again.

 

If you try to make sure you tell him your life's story, make sure he knows everything about you, don't leave anything a secret, come back to his place and talk for hours, you've left out some of the intrigue.

 

Always leave them wanting more.

 

That's my strategy! If I can get a darned date! Grrrrr

 

Best of luck to you

[curlygirl40]

So now I'm being snarky but if he really is a player, DO NOT give him the satisfaction of chasing him. No way! NEXT

 

See, I'm learning

[TaurusTerp]

You guys are being ridiculous. He's not a player - he just has high standards or is looking for something specific.

 

In fact, he's the complete opposite of a player - no game playing, no manipulation. He told you he wasn't interested and why, and broke it off before you could get theoretically get hurt (whoops) or had sex.

[PhillyDude]

Well atleast it wasn't a "fall off the face of the earth" type situation.

[PhillyDude]

It's tough dating guys on via internet sites. In a way its easy to meet people, but you have to think he's also dating several other girls as well. A lot of people use these sites as a quick way to get laid unfortunately

 

 

The same way a girl is dating other guys online

[PhillyDude]

yes, he did tell me the reason, but I know I am not the only one who doesn't think the reason goes along with the actions, that is all. I am starting to see that I guess he was probably testing the waters, but wow....7 hours is a long time to "try." He could have ended the date after the drinks, we'd already kissed a bunch of times by then, held hands etc. It just bothers me the lengths he went to just to take me on a "test drive." Especially when he said he always knew within 10 minutes...

 

Either way, I can't over-analyze it anymore. There have been some great comments and feedback, and all I can do at this point is learn from it and move on! IF he ends up changing his mind, I'd be willing to hear what he has to say, but I am not investing any more of my time and thought on it!

 

 

But trying to analyze something that is over is just torturing yourself. That's like me trying to analyze why a interviewer gave me a tour of the company and smiled at me during the entire interview but didn' offer me the job. You just have to put it behind you

[dispatch3d]

You're right, you're right!? How could I think that highly of myself that I would be the perfect Cinderella to a guy who is a serial dater?! I honestly don't know what it WOULD take, but being that he described me (after the fact) as stunning, smart, sweet, from a great family with great traits," tells me that it will take a LOT more than most/any woman can offer to get him to change his ways.

 

Not sure why he mentioned the 100 dates/serial dater thing, perhaps an exaggeration, but why tell that to a woman!? And hey, I'm the one who proceeded, so I can't really blame him for that!

 

Dispatch, I really didn't want to consider him a player, but you really are right. This guy knows what he is doing. He even had my favorite wine (which we'd discussed previously) on hand at his house - coincidence? on purpose? Perhaps....if he really is a pro like you say....it all really does add up.

 

Ahhh I guess I did dodge a bullet with this one, and maybe should count myself as lucky that he didn't drag it out longer!

 

lol you still Don't believe the 100 dates. Here's the thing, if a guy is really good with woman he's going to say things that are outside of your paradigm of thinking so you won't buy it. Like going on over 100 dates/year... you probably don't know ANY guy whose done that. So even if you met one, and he said I've gone on 100 dates, and he said look here's where I've taken them, and look here's a list of there names, and here's there phone numbers, yadayada you STILL wouldn't buy it. It is outside of your way of thinking. That is one of the first signs you're dealing with a guy whose really good.

 

Example: My roomate didn't want to date one of his x-girlfriends because he could be hooking up with random girls at night... just a call away. I was like whaaa haha. Another friend of mine, prefers to be single for the exact same reason. Random girls will hook up with him, girls will hook up him regardless of the relationship. As in getting sex is a given for them, so they don't NEED any kind of relationship. Completely changes the way they think about things.

 

Anyhow, glad you feel better about it now.

 

Lol the wine isn't a coincidence.

[Jilly Bean]

yes, he did tell me the reason, but I know I am not the only one who doesn't think the reason goes along with the actions, that is all.

 

 

IF he ends up changing his mind, I'd be willing to hear what he has to say

 

So, he told you his truth, and rather than believe it, you'd rather try and find another, more fitting reality that you like better.

 

I think you'd be very foolish to consider dating him again, particularly after he told you he wasn't physically attracted to you. I would highly doubt he will call you again for a date, and if he did, you rightfully should blow him off. Respect yourself and don't let some guy you met once play around with you like that, you know? If he didn't dig you after one date, and told you so, then why would you ever consider him in the future?

 

If you're new to OLD, then I highly advise you, and anyone else, to NOT overinvest in someone before meeting. As you learned from this guy, it sets up unrealistic expectations and hopes, which certainly will always lead to disappointment. Chat once on the phone, agree to meet for coffee or drinks and don't spend hours communicating in advance.

Edited August 21, 2010 by Jilly Bean

[zengirl]

I am confused about why you think this...if it was only internally, how would he have known this and have come to the conclusion that I was too eager, therefore changing his feelings towards me? If anything, HIS actions and words spoke more than mine did! It's the fact that HE did a 180 in a matter of hours that has me thrown. While I may have had the romantic fantasy, I made sure he wasn't aware of it, so it's not as if I came on too strong, in fact, if anything I was more reserved than usual. I am still wondering if THAT was his reasoning for lack of chemistry- in his mind, if we were truly compatible and it was meant to be, perhaps I would have been more into initiating touch, etc? It's so hard to know what guys want! It's either too little, or too much!

 

Your thoughts, beliefs, and internal life have a lot more bearing on reality and your interactions with other people than you think. Sometimes people disagree with me vehemently on this, but nobody I've met has ever significantly changed their thought process to something more balanced and NOT seen a difference in their life, dating/relationships included. Besides, you said you initiated as well, and your behaviors could likely give away more than you think.

 

My rule of thumb is always: Assume that everything you are can manifest in what you do. That makes most people uncomfortable, because they're uncomfortable with what they are. Therein lies the problem.

 

But besides that mumbo jumbo, trying to figure out what guys want is silly. You approached the date all wrong, thinking he was One Great Hope and having these built up expectations. Just get to know a guy as a person, express attraction as natural, and always be in the "buyer's position." Trying to make people like or want you is usually a disheartening experience. (I'm not saying go all sour grapes about situations where you get turned down, because that's lame too.)

 

So, he told you his truth, and rather than believe it, you'd rather try and find another, more fitting reality that you like better.

 

I agree with this. The fellow gave you a reason. It seems sound enough. You don't even really need a reason. Some people don't like chocolate; that doesn't mean chocolate is "bad." You aren't his cuppa. Why worry more? Meet more people. Live your life. Do something that makes you happy. Does analyzing dates that didn't turn into second dates make you happy? Is the date any less good an experience in and of itself because you didn't have a second date? It's a minor disappointment after a fun night, and it's all behind you. Move along.