kristinpea1979 Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Hey everyone...so I am sitting here in one of the worst funks I have been in, in a very long time, and I am basically writing out of desperation. I would especially appreciate a guy's perspective on this, however I am open to all! So I met this amazing guy 2 weeks ago via a dating site. I hadn't been interested in anyone this much before him, and he had joined that day and I was the only one who stood out to him. We emailed a few times, loved everything each other had to say - exchanged facebooks so we could see one another's many pictures to get a good idea on looks, and on Sunday we began phone conversations. Between Sunday and Wednesday we had logged about 15 hours of phone conversation, and were so on the same page in every way. We'd each say little things that were almost eerily similar, from preferences to attitudes on certain things. The conversation flowed and there was no shortage of things to talk about. We made our date for Thursday of last week... We started out great. He walked in and all my anxiety vanished, as did his. He was tall, smelled amazing, smiled at me, we hugged. We had dinner, went to the mall (we had jokingly been on the phone talking about booking a cruise on our first date, so as a joke we went to the travel agency in the mall, they were closed). We wandered around the mall looking at things in Pottery Barn, etc, he'd stand behind me and touch the small of my back, etc. After that, we then decided to go to a lounge for a cocktail. (now I gave him plenty of opportunities to cut the night short if he was tired or whatever, he kept insisting on going other places). We sat together in a cozy booth and talked, he held my hand and rubbed it. He kissed me a couple of times in the car, somewhat passionately, and held my hand while driving. I'd catch him looking at me with a sweet grin while driving. I felt like I was on air, this could be it! He could be the one, and I was ecstatic! He suggested we go to his house to just chill and watch some tv/have some wine. He gave me a tour, got us some drinks, and we lounged. He brought me in close to him and was rubbing my hands and wrapping his arms around me tightly. We'd kiss through entire commercial breaks. Sometimes, he'd kiss my temple or my forehead, or my hand. He'd rub my back, upper legs, etc but didn't try anything else. Well, at one point I commented about my sunburned legs peeling, he went and got me some lotion, wrote his name on my leg with the lotion and rubbed it in. I figured he was getting tired and had to get up early for work, plus, I wanted to be the one to make the decision to go, so I called it a night. He walked me out, we hugged many times, kissed, he even picked me right up off the ground. He seemed to be trying to take in all that he could before I left. We left it that I'd be calling him after work the next time, and we discussed future plans to hang out through the course of the night. I felt so special, felt like maybe it was finally my turn to be with a nice guy who is so compatible. I texted him the next morning to thank him for dinner and the night and said I had a good time, and that I even dreamt about him (he liked when I told him things like that). A few hours later he said he didn't know how to tell me this, his heart was going 240 a minute, but he didn't feel quite the level of in-person chemistry that he expected/wanted to feel with me. My question is, were his expectations too high? Why did he kiss me, hold me, hug me if he felt this way? What could I have done differently? I admit I may have been a bit reserved compared to how I'd been on the phone, but I didn't want to come on too strongly and scare him. I felt so much for him, and I invested too much and now I am sitting here feeling like my heart has been ripped out. Oh, let me finish with saying that he said "We'll def be in touch." Why say that?! Is he confused? He said he's been on a LOT of dates, and I'm wondering if he likes the thrill of it so much that he'd sacrifice a good thing. Guys, would you have gone to ALL those lengths if you didn't feel chemistry? He even bought scratch offs at the store because he was "feeling lucky" that night (not in a dirty way, lol). Talk about mixed signals! It just doesn't seem fair that I'd meet someone that's so in sync, and have this happen. I am frustrated and just want to give up! The actions and words just don't match up, and it's confusing me to where I am going in circles and over-analyzing the entire night over and over! Any advice is appreciated! Thank you in advance!
TaurusTerp Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 You're reading too much into it. A scratch ticket? "We'll be in touch"? Why did he touch you throughout the date? There was no great effort on his part - it was a date, and he didn't feel you two were compatible. Move on.
Dblock10 Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 sounds like you where yourself. so you couldnt have changed anything. good for you. but he dosnt feel you to are or will be compatible on a level he had in mind (which to me sounds like bs since you had such a gd time) he obviously has other women etc. dont chase him. just move on and if he comes back fine you can decide what to do then.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Everything you wrote sounded as if the other side needed to be involved a great deal in order to afford you the feelings that you got from the evening. SO I think he was authentic in enjoying the evening. What I also want to add is that some/lots-of people are just very (pathetic) in being incapable of understanding that they're soon to meet a very "real human being" when on these online-to-real-life first-time meetings. There is also a chance that all of his efforts were to get a piece of tail from you, and when that failed, he lost interest. I'm guessing that you might be relatively new and fresh and appealing for that reason, on the dating site, vs. the tired gals who know the routine and who can discern his real intentions from the opening salvo. But good for you in not giving into his perhaps unspoken desires on the first date, and good for you for not having had cause to fear being alone with him at his place either. I would venture to guess that the guy is just pretty shallow. Whatever you do, don't gauge yourself any differently because of the experience.
agt2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Hey everyone...so I am sitting here in one of the worst funks I have been in, in a very long time, and I am basically writing out of desperation. I would especially appreciate a guy's perspective on this, however I am open to all! So I met this amazing guy 2 weeks ago via a dating site. I hadn't been interested in anyone this much before him, and he had joined that day and I was the only one who stood out to him. We emailed a few times, loved everything each other had to say - exchanged facebooks so we could see one another's many pictures to get a good idea on looks, and on Sunday we began phone conversations. Between Sunday and Wednesday we had logged about 15 hours of phone conversation, and were so on the same page in every way. We'd each say little things that were almost eerily similar, from preferences to attitudes on certain things. The conversation flowed and there was no shortage of things to talk about. We made our date for Thursday of last week... We started out great. He walked in and all my anxiety vanished, as did his. He was tall, smelled amazing, smiled at me, we hugged. We had dinner, went to the mall (we had jokingly been on the phone talking about booking a cruise on our first date, so as a joke we went to the travel agency in the mall, they were closed). We wandered around the mall looking at things in Pottery Barn, etc, he'd stand behind me and touch the small of my back, etc. After that, we then decided to go to a lounge for a cocktail. (now I gave him plenty of opportunities to cut the night short if he was tired or whatever, he kept insisting on going other places). We sat together in a cozy booth and talked, he held my hand and rubbed it. He kissed me a couple of times in the car, somewhat passionately, and held my hand while driving. I'd catch him looking at me with a sweet grin while driving. I felt like I was on air, this could be it! He could be the one, and I was ecstatic! He suggested we go to his house to just chill and watch some tv/have some wine. He gave me a tour, got us some drinks, and we lounged. He brought me in close to him and was rubbing my hands and wrapping his arms around me tightly. We'd kiss through entire commercial breaks. Sometimes, he'd kiss my temple or my forehead, or my hand. He'd rub my back, upper legs, etc but didn't try anything else. Well, at one point I commented about my sunburned legs peeling, he went and got me some lotion, wrote his name on my leg with the lotion and rubbed it in. I figured he was getting tired and had to get up early for work, plus, I wanted to be the one to make the decision to go, so I called it a night. He walked me out, we hugged many times, kissed, he even picked me right up off the ground. He seemed to be trying to take in all that he could before I left. We left it that I'd be calling him after work the next time, and we discussed future plans to hang out through the course of the night. I felt so special, felt like maybe it was finally my turn to be with a nice guy who is so compatible. I texted him the next morning to thank him for dinner and the night and said I had a good time, and that I even dreamt about him (he liked when I told him things like that). A few hours later he said he didn't know how to tell me this, his heart was going 240 a minute, but he didn't feel quite the level of in-person chemistry that he expected/wanted to feel with me. My question is, were his expectations too high? Why did he kiss me, hold me, hug me if he felt this way? What could I have done differently? I admit I may have been a bit reserved compared to how I'd been on the phone, but I didn't want to come on too strongly and scare him. I felt so much for him, and I invested too much and now I am sitting here feeling like my heart has been ripped out. Oh, let me finish with saying that he said "We'll def be in touch." Why say that?! Is he confused? He said he's been on a LOT of dates, and I'm wondering if he likes the thrill of it so much that he'd sacrifice a good thing. Guys, would you have gone to ALL those lengths if you didn't feel chemistry? He even bought scratch offs at the store because he was "feeling lucky" that night (not in a dirty way, lol). Talk about mixed signals! It just doesn't seem fair that I'd meet someone that's so in sync, and have this happen. I am frustrated and just want to give up! The actions and words just don't match up, and it's confusing me to where I am going in circles and over-analyzing the entire night over and over! Any advice is appreciated! Thank you in advance! First you probably freaked him out with that whole "Dream" about him... That would scare me off definitely no matter how good the first date went! You should have never went to his house either! Mistake #2 Never go to a guys house on the first date. You have to show some resistance and give him a challenge. Guys want a challenge deep down, not a girl that is coming to their house on the first date. So you automatically went from potential g/f material right down to one night stand/f**k buddy material. I know if a girl comes back to my house or I go to her house on the first date there is no way she is g/f material anymore, just f**k buddy material. He realized all this after you left/as you guys were hanging out. Next time play hard to get and watch the guys will def be calling you for the second date. You moved way too fast and scared him off. Should have called it the end of the night after the cocktails at the lounge! The element of the "catch" would be running through his mind as he conjured about ways for date # 2 to bring you back to his house. Hope this helps good luck!
D-Lish Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 First you probably freaked him out with that whole "Dream" about him... That would scare me off definitely no matter how good the first date went! You should have never went to his house either! Mistake #2 Never go to a guys house on the first date. You have to show some resistance and give him a challenge. Guys want a challenge deep down, not a girl that is coming to their house on the first date. So you automatically went from potential g/f material right down to one night stand/f**k buddy material. I know if a girl comes back to my house or I go to her house on the first date there is no way she is g/f material anymore, just f**k buddy material. He realized all this after you left/as you guys were hanging out. Next time play hard to get and watch the guys will def be calling you for the second date. You moved way too fast and scared him off. Should have called it the end of the night after the cocktails at the lounge! The element of the "catch" would be running through his mind as he conjured about ways for date # 2 to bring you back to his house. Hope this helps good luck! I agree with the above poster. I wouldn't have: a) gone back to his house. b) Text him the very next morning. c) told him I had a dream about him. The above simply took the challenge out of the pursuit for him. Your actions just screamed "too eager".
VeveCakes Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Hun, you didn't invest a lot into him. You went on ONE date. Your heart is not breaking, you don't even know this guy. You need to take a deep breath and be a bit more realistic. If you are this hardcore after one date I would be scared to see how you are once in a relationship. Try not to come on so strong and desperate.
zengirl Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Hey everyone...so I am sitting here in one of the worst funks I have been in, in a very long time, and I am basically writing out of desperation. I would especially appreciate a guy's perspective on this, however I am open to all! So I met this amazing guy 2 weeks ago via a dating site. I hadn't been interested in anyone this much before him, and he had joined that day and I was the only one who stood out to him. We emailed a few times, loved everything each other had to say - exchanged facebooks so we could see one another's many pictures to get a good idea on looks, and on Sunday we began phone conversations. Between Sunday and Wednesday we had logged about 15 hours of phone conversation, and were so on the same page in every way. We'd each say little things that were almost eerily similar, from preferences to attitudes on certain things. The conversation flowed and there was no shortage of things to talk about. We made our date for Thursday of last week... We started out great. He walked in and all my anxiety vanished, as did his. He was tall, smelled amazing, smiled at me, we hugged. We had dinner, went to the mall (we had jokingly been on the phone talking about booking a cruise on our first date, so as a joke we went to the travel agency in the mall, they were closed). We wandered around the mall looking at things in Pottery Barn, etc, he'd stand behind me and touch the small of my back, etc. After that, we then decided to go to a lounge for a cocktail. (now I gave him plenty of opportunities to cut the night short if he was tired or whatever, he kept insisting on going other places). We sat together in a cozy booth and talked, he held my hand and rubbed it. He kissed me a couple of times in the car, somewhat passionately, and held my hand while driving. I'd catch him looking at me with a sweet grin while driving. I felt like I was on air, this could be it! He could be the one, and I was ecstatic! He suggested we go to his house to just chill and watch some tv/have some wine. He gave me a tour, got us some drinks, and we lounged. He brought me in close to him and was rubbing my hands and wrapping his arms around me tightly. We'd kiss through entire commercial breaks. Sometimes, he'd kiss my temple or my forehead, or my hand. He'd rub my back, upper legs, etc but didn't try anything else. Well, at one point I commented about my sunburned legs peeling, he went and got me some lotion, wrote his name on my leg with the lotion and rubbed it in. I figured he was getting tired and had to get up early for work, plus, I wanted to be the one to make the decision to go, so I called it a night. He walked me out, we hugged many times, kissed, he even picked me right up off the ground. He seemed to be trying to take in all that he could before I left. We left it that I'd be calling him after work the next time, and we discussed future plans to hang out through the course of the night. I felt so special, felt like maybe it was finally my turn to be with a nice guy who is so compatible. I texted him the next morning to thank him for dinner and the night and said I had a good time, and that I even dreamt about him (he liked when I told him things like that). A few hours later he said he didn't know how to tell me this, his heart was going 240 a minute, but he didn't feel quite the level of in-person chemistry that he expected/wanted to feel with me. My question is, were his expectations too high? Why did he kiss me, hold me, hug me if he felt this way? What could I have done differently? I admit I may have been a bit reserved compared to how I'd been on the phone, but I didn't want to come on too strongly and scare him. I felt so much for him, and I invested too much and now I am sitting here feeling like my heart has been ripped out. Oh, let me finish with saying that he said "We'll def be in touch." Why say that?! Is he confused? He said he's been on a LOT of dates, and I'm wondering if he likes the thrill of it so much that he'd sacrifice a good thing. Guys, would you have gone to ALL those lengths if you didn't feel chemistry? He even bought scratch offs at the store because he was "feeling lucky" that night (not in a dirty way, lol). Talk about mixed signals! It just doesn't seem fair that I'd meet someone that's so in sync, and have this happen. I am frustrated and just want to give up! The actions and words just don't match up, and it's confusing me to where I am going in circles and over-analyzing the entire night over and over! Any advice is appreciated! Thank you in advance! "He could be the one!" This is one date. I'm not surprised he didn't ask you out again, and this is likely why. You're dialed up to 10000 and he's at a normal level. Probably if you were go-with-the-flow, hey-this-was-fun, he wouldn't have felt pressure to feel AMAZING chemistry, but when two people are so obviously unequal in a situation, it becomes uncomfortable. I think he liked you, but you liked him or the idea of him way too, too, too much for him to consider proceeding, because he didn't feel that kind of chemistry.
jamesum Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 The above simply took the challenge out of the pursuit for him. Your actions just screamed "too eager". Lol, it wasnt about challenge. He just thought, "Another crazy one!"
zengirl Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Lol, it wasnt about challenge. He just thought, "Another crazy one!" Yes, and generally when girls need to learn to be a "challenge" it means they need to learn not to act crazy or getting emotionally invested in a fellow who's not there yet.
alexlakeman Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 It was a slow night, so he decided to just go out with you and enjoy the night with no plans for any future contact,,... I know, I just did it tonight.,.. I met someone, but didn't really like her, but didn't have another date lined up for tonight... we DID have a great time..but doesn't mean I'd want to see her again..
sugarmomma Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 He just wanted sex. Be glad you know now rather than later.
TaurusTerp Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 He just wanted sex. Be glad you know now rather than later. Hahaha. If we wanted sex one more date is all it would have taken, from the sounds of it.
zengirl Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Hahaha. If we wanted sex one more date is all it would have taken, from the sounds of it. Yeah, it sounds to me like he's a nice guy who didn't want to sleep with her when he didn't like her and have her go all nutty. Not that he wanted sex. I mean, I'm sure he wouldn't have turned it down had she jumped him on the date, but he doesn't sound like someone who'd try to mislead a gal to sleep with her.
Cuccoon Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 I think you're all being a little hard on her. SHe and he invested some time online and on the phone first. They seemed to have a lot in common. She felt chemistry and positive feedback from him. Why wouldn't she hope for more? Haven't you ever heard of love at first site? I felt this way when I met my husband and it got better and better after the first date. We were both excited from the start. She got clues from him that he was quite interested. Why should she play games? She didn't sleep with the guy - she just spent a little time with him. I don't think she did anything wrong.
oxfordsocks Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Well it sounds like he told you the truth---it was good that he text you to at least tell you something instead of being AWAL and left you hanging. I hope your getting back out there--my sister does a lot of online dating---i find she pays half a lot of the time-- not sure i like that idea--hope when your online dating you get treated most of the time-- GOod Luck you have lots to look forward too---and stay out of Pottery Barn its way overpriced--lol perhaps he had the "marriage vision " iin there and was freaking.
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 I guess what I find weird in this scenario is that the guy was not only prolonging the night, but kept touching her in ways that didn't lead to sex. I mean would you really be inclined to hold someone tight, kiss their hair, forehead etc etc without sex happening if you don't feel attracted to the person? WTF is in-person chemistry if it's not natural conversation and romantic vibe as in touching etc? Or maybe he was really doing it all in the hope to get sex that night so he was "acting romantic" . That's all I can come up with. When the night ended, he just wasn't interested enough to keep trying but would have welcomed sex that night.
zengirl Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 I guess what I find weird in this scenario is that the guy was not only prolonging the night, but kept touching her in ways that didn't lead to sex. I mean would you really be inclined to hold someone tight, kiss their hair, forehead etc etc without sex happening if you don't feel attracted to the person? WTF is in-person chemistry if it's not natural conversation and romantic vibe as in touching etc? Or maybe he was really doing it all in the hope to get sex that night so he was "acting romantic" . That's all I can come up with. When the night ended, he just wasn't interested enough to keep trying but would have welcomed sex that night. This is why I think he liked her and that had she not been so much more invested than he and overly effusive (internally---it's not just about her external behaviors), they would have gone out again.
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 This is why I think he liked her and that had she not been so much more invested than he and overly effusive (internally---it's not just about her external behaviors), they would have gone out again. Is there any way for her to fix this now?
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 What if she went NC for say 2 weeks and then contacted him again and asked if they can go out and try again? Would this guy likely accept? or is it dead? I mean if he really did like her and was attracted maybe all he needs is a bit of space to miss her.
zengirl Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Is there any way for her to fix this now? In my opinion, no. Not with this guy. With other men in the future, absolutely, but you can't put an egg back in the shell. What if she went NC for say 2 weeks and then contacted him again and asked if they can go out and try again? Would this guy likely accept? or is it dead? I mean if he really did like her and was attracted maybe all he needs is a bit of space to miss her. He can't "miss" her because the connection was too young and insignificant for all that. This is where I think most of the pop psychology on this is flawed. People are trying to create balance without actually becoming balanced in their dealings with others, as such, it's like constantly jumping back and forth on a seesaw to keep it even. This seems needlessly frustrating to me. And, besides, what the OP likely wants isn't this fellow---it's a nice, normal guy to go out with and make her feel loved and happy. Why worry so much about this fellow and not focus on that? There is almost no buy-in to this situation. One date. That's it. She doesn't even know if this fellow would fit those requirements had things gone right, and now he certainly doesn't. Besides: The whole problem with going NC and then calling again is that it makes the NC useless. Anyone with half a brain knows precisely what you've done. Now, I suppose it does happen that people have an imbalance in a minor stage like this and then meet again later by chance and the potential is renewed. I mean on rare, rare, rare occasions that are statistically insignificant, so don't hang your hat on it.
Author kristinpea1979 Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 I think you're all being a little hard on her. SHe and he invested some time online and on the phone first. They seemed to have a lot in common. She felt chemistry and positive feedback from him. Why wouldn't she hope for more? Haven't you ever heard of love at first site? I felt this way when I met my husband and it got better and better after the first date. We were both excited from the start. She got clues from him that he was quite interested. Why should she play games? She didn't sleep with the guy - she just spent a little time with him. I don't think she did anything wrong. Thank you! How on earth did it get to me being the desperate, crazy one here? From one post date text? I am convinced that it had nothing to do with that. Yes, it was one date, but I know he probably appreciated the gesture, regardless of how he felt about me. Also, HE initiated the kiss, the touching, the rubbing, etc, so how is it that my "crazy" behavior scared him off? It's not like he knew that I am a hopeless romantic with high hopes. I was being cool, collected and it certainly wasn't obvious that I was expecting a second date or anything. No more than his enthusiasm anyways. He discussed future plans, "we should do this, we should do that, we have so much in common," and he initiated ALL physical contact, so I will not be made to be the one who is crazy and who did something wrong in this scenario, except maybe trusting someone. Thank you to the last few posters Cuccoon, Zengirl and SadandConfusedWA for offering something other than a nasty or un-helpful comment. Your advice helped more than the rest!
Author kristinpea1979 Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 I mean would you really be inclined to hold someone tight, kiss their hair, forehead etc etc without sex happening if you don't feel attracted to the person? WTF is in-person chemistry if it's not natural conversation and romantic vibe as in touching etc? Or maybe he was really doing it all in the hope to get sex that night so he was "acting romantic" . That's all I can come up with. When the night ended, he just wasn't interested enough to keep trying but would have welcomed sex that night. This is EXACTLY the question that's been on my mind too. Who does ALL that, then has the right to judge ME for ONE text?? People are calling me crazy, but he was the one making all the gestures. I think he did feel something but is either not ready to end his serial dating ways, or didn't get what he wanted that night. Me sending him one text, a text that even though I didn't know him for that long, after 15 hours of talking and a date, I knew he'd appreciate either way, would NOT make him change his mind that quickly. If anything, he wouldn't have used lack of chemistry as the reason, he could have said it was moving too fast, that I seemed too eager, and I think he would have. To the guys who said it would freak them out, you are obviously not romantics and/or have a commitment issue. Anyways, a guy who will run for the hills when a woman dare express emotion or romance is not worth having. Thank you again to the helpful ones!
Author kristinpea1979 Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 This is why I think he liked her and that had she not been so much more invested than he and overly effusive (internally---it's not just about her external behaviors), they would have gone out again. I am confused about why you think this...if it was only internally, how would he have known this and have come to the conclusion that I was too eager, therefore changing his feelings towards me? If anything, HIS actions and words spoke more than mine did! It's the fact that HE did a 180 in a matter of hours that has me thrown. While I may have had the romantic fantasy, I made sure he wasn't aware of it, so it's not as if I came on too strong, in fact, if anything I was more reserved than usual. I am still wondering if THAT was his reasoning for lack of chemistry- in his mind, if we were truly compatible and it was meant to be, perhaps I would have been more into initiating touch, etc? It's so hard to know what guys want! It's either too little, or too much!
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