Bluetiger53 Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Hello all, this is my first post ever on this board, i've been lurking around for quite some time and seeing all the good advice that people give, and i'm hoping someone can do the sdame for me. I am in an "alternative" relationship as some would call it, I've been together with the same person for the past 2 1/2 years, and it feels like things are falling apart. When we first met, things were great, then it got OK, and now it's just downright bad. WHen we first met, I had expressed some concerns about my health and the health of the person i'm with. I'm an EMT, and i've seen what smoking does to people later in life, and I never want to go through that or have to see my significant other go through the same. I've lost numerous family members to it. I had told him that I do not date nor maintain a relationship with anyone that does. It's a personal choice. He was a smoker, and we liked each other so much that he worked very hard to quit so we could have a chance. I agreed that I would assist him in stopping, but it is a mutual agreement that once he stops, that's it. Now, I know a lot about medical things, about addictions and whatnot, and I know it can be hard to maintain yourself being clean. He did start smoking again and today was the third time I caught him, but that's not what's bothering me so much. It's bothering me more that he didn't come to me beforehand and say "hey, I'm having a relapse" or anything. He's been hiding it from me. Now, I am the type of person who if you come to me first, yeah, i'll be upset, but I will manage. You try to hide things from me and I find out, it's much, much worse. I feel so completely violated and non-trustful towards him now. I understand where he is coming from, but the thought that he is capable of lying to me bothers me so much. If he can lie about this, what else can he lie about and hide from me. I don't know if i'm looking into this too much, i'm really confused. I was at work when I found out and had to leave early because I am so hurt and upset. Has anyone else had a situation like this and how did you deal with it?
blair08 Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I hate to say this, but unfortunatley chances are he will NOT stop because you want him too. He will stop when HE wants to and/or is ready. Smoking is the same as with any other thing such as alcohol or drugs...you can tell them till you are blue in the face, but until they are ready they wont stop, not for you or anybody. First and foremost they need to do it for themselves. He is probably hiding it and not telling you because he knows how you will feel, plus he may be dealing with his own guilt of starting back.
young&inlove Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I have to agree. He won’t stop unless its what he wants. I was a smoker for a long time. My husband told me that if I didn’t stop, he wouldn’t marry me and leave me at the alter. I stopped for a couple of weeks but still wanted to do it. I eventually picked it up again. I have quit because I don’t like it. I would talk to him again and see what he says about it. If he isn’t willing to quit any time soon, I would probably leave or just be able to deal with it. When the time comes to quit, he will.
JackJack Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I will agree with the others who have stated he probably will not quit because you asked him to. If this is a deal breaker for you and its absolutely not something you will tolerate, then it might be best to cut your ties now. Most people who are not ready to stop and do so because someone asked them to, usually will pick it again, because they are NOT ready to quit. Him hiding it, seems to be from the fact that he knows how strongly you feel on the matter. I had a friend who asked her husband to stop drinking. he said he would, Later on he was found hiding out in the neighbors garage drinking, why? Because he wasn't ready to stop on his own! Most people will tell another peson they will stop somethign they are doing to get them off their back not because they are truly ready.
Author Bluetiger53 Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 Yeah, this seems to be the common answer that i've even been getting from friends. I guess it's time for me to accept it and hopefully move on from it, wherever moving on will take us.
You Go Girl Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 (edited) Near and dear to my heart this thread is-- I am going through a divorce from an alcholic, porn addict, and person who lies about them both. Arguing, demanding, crying, begging, nothing makes another person quit a habit that you don't like. They must want to quit themselves, for themselves. Now I am seeing someone and he HATES cigarettes. I smoke. I can see both sides of this issue now, can't I? You can't change another person, EVER. You're not God, you don't have that kind of power. What you can do is be supportive and encouraging. That is all you can do. With that type of positive reinforcement, he probably will quit. He may slip up sometimes. You should be patient and understanding. This person has a habit that you don't care for; it is not the same as affecting you directly. Porn affected my sex life directly. Alcholism affected me directly, everyday. Smoking is NOT affecting you directly, (assuming he smokes outside) although it may long-term should you be caring for a person with COPD, etc., and I can understand that you care for this person and don't like seeing them hurt themselves. Make sure that line above is your motivation. Now I know it is frustrating. The person I am seeing hates that I stink like cigarettes sometimes. But positive reinforcement is the only option. And it does work. Don't destroy your relationship over this. If you make it a battle of wills, you will end up like I am, going through a divorce. There are no winners in a battle of wills, only two losers. He is obviously trying, although he slips up sometimes. Keep up positive reinforcement, not negative. Something else bothers me about your post though. You don't say, hey, I have this one problem to solve. You state right at the beginning that things have gone from good, to ok, to bad. That simply can't be because you found out he smoked 3 cigarettes. So you are focusing in on this one issue to support your desire to...break up? What's the rest of this good to ok to bad relationship? And why did you tell us just about one issue? Lastly, I must say that I completely understand the violation of your trust. I experienced this tragically in my marriage. But don't make a mountain out of a molehill. 3 cigarettes is not a cheating, deceiving, lying, manipulative, PITA. Edited August 21, 2010 by You Go Girl
Author Bluetiger53 Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 (edited) It wasn't 3 cigarettes, it was 3 months of hiding it from me. I just spoke with him and I have agreed to go against what I believe, as I know relationships are full of compromises. It's not that bad, I know, it could be worse, as you said You Go Girl, As I said before though, I'm not upset for him smoking as much as I am the fact that he lied about it. I believe in truth and honesty in any relationship, whether it be friendship, significant other, or even business. I felt kind of stabbed in the back when I found out after the fact. Yeah, I would have been upset, but the outcome would have been "how can we get through this" rather then "how could you do this to me, again?" Edited August 21, 2010 by Bluetiger53
You Go Girl Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 It wasn't 3 cigarettes, it was 3 months of hiding it from me. I just spoke with him and I have agreed to go against what I believe, as I know relationships are full of compromises. It's not that bad, I know, it could be worse, as you said You Go Girl, As I said before though, I'm not upset for him smoking as much as I am the fact that he lied about it. I believe in truth and honesty in any relationship, whether it be friendship, significant other, or even business. I felt kind of stabbed in the back when I found out after the fact. Yeah, I would have been upset, but the outcome would have been "how can we get through this" rather then "how could you do this to me, again?" What has he done to you, again? Smoking he did not do to you, he did to himself. So has he lied again to you about quitting? I didn't see reference in your initial post to him having hid smoking from you before. Others have smoked perhaps? You see him as putting another smoker in your life, and that's where the "again" comes from? What about the questions I asked about the relationship going from good, to ok, to bad? Maybe the best question is "How can we get through this?" in the current situation, instead of "How could you have done this to me again?"
thrownaway Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I look at these minor issues (like smoking) when getting involved in a relationship with someone too. My friends tell me I overanalyze. Most have been smokers (I never smoked) and most all had promised to quit, and not one single guy ever did end up quitting... but I also got to see that they didn't quit a lot of other things either, nor did they have very good willpower, with many aspects of their lives.
You Go Girl Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Women insist on trying to change the man - men just want the woman to stay the same. (?) __________________ And the man I am seeing that wants me to quit smoking? haha...can't be just women who want their partner to change something.
hopesndreams Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I was once a closet smoker for years. It's more to do with being ashamed of what you are doing than the lying aspect to others. It's more lying to yourself than anything. It's a secret for him because he doesn't want you to be disappointed in him. Studies have shown that it takes at least 8 serious tries to be able to quit for good. Be supportive. Don't badger.
Zapbasket Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I don't think smoking is a minor issue at all. I could never date a smoker. The habit disgusts me utterly. The breath, the teeth, the cumulative impact on your health, the smell...and usually there are emotional issues that accompany it--after all, smoking serves as a kind of "escape" for most people caught in the habit.... OP, there's compromises and then there are compromises. Yes, go into a relationship willing to compromise, but not on core values. I think smoking encompasses much more than just putting a roll of tobacco to your lips. It seems to encompass a whole life outlook which, if you are not a smoker and have never even thought about becoming one, you simply cannot share.
You Go Girl Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I don't think smoking is a minor issue at all. I could never date a smoker. The habit disgusts me utterly. The breath, the teeth, the cumulative impact on your health, the smell...and usually there are emotional issues that accompany it--after all, smoking serves as a kind of "escape" for most people caught in the habit.... OP, there's compromises and then there are compromises. Yes, go into a relationship willing to compromise, but not on core values. I think smoking encompasses much more than just putting a roll of tobacco to your lips. It seems to encompass a whole life outlook which, if you are not a smoker and have never even thought about becoming one, you simply cannot share. I can understand most of your POV. An escape? I don't think so, because it's not a mind-altering drug. Explain that to me. Maybe you know something that will help me quit that I don't know! A whole life outlook? Could you elaborate? I'd like to know what the life outlook of a smoker looks like to a non-smoker.
funnyluv Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 My uncle was a smoker and tried so many times to quit. Every time he quit, my aunt would be so pleased and he loved it, but he always fell back into his habit. He didn't want to disappoint her so he tried to hide it. She always knew though.
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