At a total loss

[Satty]

My girlfriend and me were super loving during the duration of our 1 year 1 month relationship. She once told me she had decided to depend on someone for the first time and she was always the one initiating meetups and etc. Halfway through our relationship, she broke up with me to prove her point that she was super against me smoking. I was nonchalant at that time due to the constant arguments we had but our arguments were always short lived. She then tried very hard to get back together with me for the next 3 months and when we finally did. I was still quite nonchalant sometimes due to complacency. She was always whining about how I don't say I love you and ask her out enough. This continued for a few more months but she was still her usual loving self except that she got more hot tempered over minute things. About a month before we broke up, I started realizing how much of an ass I was so I decided to be nice to her. I starting surprising her with gifts and etc. Then work and studies came into place and I stopped meeting her for 3 weeks.

 

5 days before our breakup, she sent me a sweet email like she usually does when she stumbles upon a romantic picture. 4 days before, she was making me promise her that I would meet her everyday for the next week. I did. 2 days before we broke up, she smsed me a sweet good night message when I was studying but I didn't reply. A day before we broke up, she started to reply very little. She usually replied all my messages instantly and would spam me when I don't reply. On the day itself, I called her before my exam and confronted her on why she didn't reply my texts and calls. She said she wanted to break up with me.

 

I started to spam her with texts asking why. She said she lost feelings for me at first then later she said she doesn't want go through the three months of waiting for me ever again. I told her I would change but she didn't budge. I started to text her at a frequency for 2 days before she got really annoyed.

 

So I stopped, I only texted her once every few days then. Occasionally she would reply. 2 weeks after we broke up, she texted normally with me saying that she would be in the vicinity the next day and whether did I want to meet her. I met her the next day, cried and beg her. She just wiped my tears always and said "don't do this to me baby". I then hugged her and we remain motionless and silent until I tickled her like I usually did when we hugged. She then said she wanted to leave even though she asked me for dinner together and I asked for a kiss and offered to send her home. I used to avoid french kissing with her and sending her home and she said its too late for it now. She only offered a short peck.

 

An hour later, she texted me telling me her to give her some time to let her decide whether does she still loves me and asked me not to force her as it would just push her away further. I replied, she didnt. For the next 2 weeks, I lived normally with hope. Until we texted on wednesday, she promised to go out with me on that saturday. During the wee hours of friday, I texted her asking her about the time she's available on saturday. No reply in the morning when I woke up, I started texted her in the evening twice. Still no reply. Finally I texted her "Can you just tell me whether are we still meeting? stop torturing me" an hour later, she replied she isn't meeting me anymore. This is when I slid into depression for a week.

 

During the week, I texted her once every few days as usual and she finally replied that she isn't going to meet me if i'm going to cry and beg her and asked me to get over it and there will no longer be a second chance.

 

Since then, I only text her once every 2 weeks asking her out for dinner but she always says she is not free. She texted me a few days ago asking me to return her uncle something that we borrowed and I said I wasn't free and started asking her about her overseas trip. She replied me twice but the reply was short.

 

I called her friend and her friend told me she suffered alot in the 3 months, constantly not arguing with me because she wanted to get back together with me and she knew I was starting to treat her better.

 

What should I do? She seems to be getting on with her life as per normal but some part of me wants to believe that she still loves me. The break up was just so suddenly considering how intimate we were just days before we broke up.

[Sambo]

My ex had crazy sex with me 2 days before she found another man and the minute she did she turned to cold steel.

 

When a woman turns off she turns off.

 

As far as your case goes:

 

She fell in love with a Man and now she is seeing a little Boy.

 

I know it's super hard but if you want her back then be the Man that she fell in love with.

 

To do that you must move on.

 

What you have been doing obviously isn't working and it's torturing you in the process.

 

Go NC for at least 60 days and then re-evaluate.

Edited August 20, 2010 by Sambo

[Darren Steez]

You know reading this, its like seeing a man holding on to a woman's leg and she's trying to walk away but he's holding on hoping she'd stay but she's still trying to walk away and he's crying, holding on, begging for her to stop walking, even crying!!! Goddamn guy, she doesn't want you stop texting, calling, and you''ll see she'll call you and text you because she's on a f**cking power trip messing with your head. Stand up for yourself and as hard as it may seem now, try to move forward with your life. your self esteem is at an all time low and right now you'll do anything to get a second chance at this but what is done is done..she's moved on and so should you, delete her number, don't look at your phone, don't wonder what she's up to...just focus on yourself and your life. Good luck!

[Satty]

I know I sound pathetic now but I was initially hoping she would see my sincerity since I'm usually a guy with a high ego but I'm really afraid she would find someone else if I left her alone for too long.

 

Whenever I have started to move on, a single text from her asking me to return her uncle his stuff would set me back.

 

I know in my head that I should get over her but my heart refuses to do so.

[BiAxident]

Well, what you should do is force yourself to be social. Get an hour of exercise per day for five days a week. If you dont have one already, start a creative hobby (drawing, playing an instrument, woodworking, etc). Make sure to keep your mind occupied (reading, video games) and keep posting on here when you feel the need.

[Satty]

Hey guys, I actually went to read several of CaliGuy's threads and it made me feel somewhat better. Its been almost 3 months and I'm still not totally over her yet though. I do however have a rebound relationship that is purely physical but I always feel empty after I leave her. It just isn't the same. I still think of her everyday but I do not feel as horrible as I did before. My heart used to beat at an extremely erratic rate and I was constantly panting in the past whenever I think of her but now I just feel a much less depressed effect.

 

That being said though, no matter how many of her flaws I could point out and etc. I really had wonderful times with her and I really want her back in the future.

[Eeyore79]

It sounds like she made a huge effort in the relationship and you just acted like you didn't care, so eventually she stopped loving you. You didn't tell her you loved her, you didn't bother to reply to her sweet texts, you didn't make an effort to ask her out, and even you yourself admitted that you were being an ass towards her. What did you expect her to do - just carry on caring about you when you obviously didn't care about her? Maybe you started being nicer towards the end, but it was just too little, too late.

 

It sounds like she was extremely confused, cared about you deeply and didn't want to break up, but felt that she had to because you just weren't treating her like she deserved to be treated. Can't you understand how confusing it must be for her when you acted like you didn't care about her for a year and then suddenly switched to being attentive and wanting her after she'd dumped you? She'd already made up her mind that you didn't love her and she had to end it, and then you started acting like you cared, and it must have really confused her, hence why she backed off.

 

If she was my friend, I'd be telling her "He's only acting like he wants you now because you've dumped him, and if you take him back he'll go right back to being an ass, so don't get back together with him because you deserve better than that."

 

It sounds to me like there could potentially be a chance to save your relationship if you can convince her that you have truly changed and you do care about her deeply. Of course, that's easier said than done, given your long history of treating her like you couldn't care less about her. Asking her to take you back simply won't cut it; I'm talking about grand gestures like sending flowers and standing outside her window playing "your" song out loud, giving her a genuine apology for your behaviour and promising you'll treat her properly.

 

The question I have to ask is: If you cared about her so much, why did you treat her like you didn't care? Why didn't you reply to her romantic texts, or tell her you loved her, or make an effort to make her happy? If you can answer those questions, and explain your answers to her, then maybe she would consider taking you back. There are no guarantees though; maybe you already hurt her too much for her to give you a second chance. You could make a huge effort and she could still say no, but given the reasons she broke up with you (i.e. because you were an ass) then I think there could still be a chance if you're willing to change.

[Satty]

Eeyore79, thanks a lot for your insight.

 

I did try telling her I would change. During our first breakup, she once waited for me outside my house for 5 hours. It was sweet now that I think of it and I even thought of doing it too but at that point of time, I felt irritated by it. Yes I know I was a jerk but it just felt like she was forcing me to meet her even though I told her I would be out and not free.

 

Now I'm afraid that if I did those grand gestures that you recommended, she would also feel irritated by it and she would just be more drawn away.

 

To answer your questions, Firstly, I was complacent. We were two very attractive individuals but we were crazily in love and we never had eyes for anybody else. The first break up brought me complacency. I always thought that we would sincerely last till marriage and she even planned everything out. Her constant love and care added on to my complacency as well. My fault.

 

I didn't reply to her romantic texts towards the end because I was so constantly involved in work and studies but still, it was my fault that I didn't make time for her. I always believed in using the love word in moderation. I always thought, saying it too much would lose its meaning. Guess it backfired.

 

I did make an effort to make her happy. Often it was beyond my financial means so I try to make up for it in affection. Even when I was very tired or not turned on at all, I would still force myself to have sex with her when she wants it. Still, I know a relationship isn't all about sex. I was never a romantic person. While growing up, my looks had helped me get girls easily so I never did learn anything from my past relationships. During the end when I started to realize I needed to treat her better, I devoted myself to working whenever I can to earn money and bring her to places we always wanted to.

 

Anyway, regardless of what I said above, all the bull**** reasons I can give to say I did actually try. I know deep down it was my fault this relationship turned out this way. I'm just trying to defend myself to a certain extent. Its just really heartbreaking to know that I was truly in love and dependent on someone for once and I screwed it up. Yes, I'm willing to change. I'm willing to forgo almost everything for her but how can she see it if she doesn't even want to talk to me and meet me?

Edited August 25, 2010 by Satty

[Eeyore79]

To answer your questions, Firstly, I was complacent. I always thought that we would sincerely last till marriage and she even planned everything out. Her constant love and care added on to my complacency as well.

So she lavished love and affection on you, and you basically took her for granted and didn't give anything back in return. No wonder she got fed up.

 

I didn't reply to her romantic texts towards the end because I was so constantly involved in work and studies

I will never understand why people do this. Even if I'm extremely busy, I can find 30 seconds to reply to a text from someone I care about. 30 seconds is less time than it takes to scratch your ass... if someone can't spare 30 seconds to reply to me then I guess that shows how low I must be on their list of priorities.

 

I always believed in using the love word in moderation. I always thought, saying it too much would lose its meaning. Guess it backfired.

It depends on the person. If you really mean it, I don't think it's possible to over-use the word. Personally, if someone didn't say it then I'd assume they didn't love me. Your gf probably assumed the same when you didn't say it.

 

I did make an effort to make her happy. Often it was beyond my financial means so I try to make up for it in affection. During the end when I started to realize I needed to treat her better, I devoted myself to working whenever I can to earn money and bring her to places we always wanted to.

She wanted love, not money. It doesn't matter how much stuff you buy her or how many nice places you take her to, she still won't feel loved if you don't treat her in a loving and caring manner, which you apparently didn't.

 

Its just really heartbreaking to know that I was truly in love and dependent on someone for once and I screwed it up.

The problem is, you didn't act like you were truly in love. You took her for granted, ignored her romantic texts, didn't tell her you loved her, and probably didn't reply to her sweet emails either. She probably thought you didn't really care about her that much, because that's how you acted.

 

Yes, I'm willing to change. I'm willing to forgo almost everything for her but how can she see it if she doesn't even want to talk to me and meet me?

I don't have the answer to this. All I know is that she seems to have truly loved you, and it probably broke her heart that she had to dump you because you acted like you didn't love her back. If you genuinely love her, you need to let her know - how you let her know is up to you, but I would suggest pulling out all the stops in terms of romance. Maybe if she sees that you do reciprocate her feelings, then she might reconsider - but convincing her will probably be difficult since you've spent quite a lot of your relationship acting like you don't care about her.

[Satty]

Yea I know my flaws =/ So I should actually contact her once in awhile instead of NC?

[LostInTurn]

I don't even know what to say. I don't want to say something that will make you feel bad, but why is it that when someone genuinely cares for someone else they think they can just float through the relationship and not appreciate it? How can you overuse the word 'love' if you mean it? I don't understand.

 

When you hurt someone who loves and cares for you so immensely. For example, when she waited outside for you for five hours and you were irritated. I can see both sides to this. I understand why you'd be irritated and I also understand why she would do this. You're correct when you say she'd probably be irritated if you did this. I would be. If I gave my heart to someone and they stomped all over it. I'm sorry, I'm not saying you're terrible, but I'm on the defense of your ex. When you don't think someone loves you anymore, that's a terrible feeling.

 

I don't even know if I would tell you to contact her. I wouldn't show up, I wouldn't send her flowers. You need to think about this. You need to come up with a solution. You need to understand that she had feelings and look what happened. I cannot even (well, yes I can) begin to think about how she must feel. You're making it all about you right now. You miss her. You made a mistake. What about her? Sh*t. Seriously?!

 

People need to stop throwing sh*t away like it's nothing! F*ck!

[Eeyore79]

Yea I know my flaws =/ So I should actually contact her once in awhile instead of NC?

 

I just don't think she will come back to the guy you used to be, the guy who acted like he didn't care about her. If you want her back, you need to somehow show her that you are a new guy who is capable of loving and appreciating her. That is, if you are actually that guy now!

 

NC won't do anything with regard to showing her you've changed, so that's why I wouldn't advise it. NC will only help you get over her, it won't bring her back.

[Satty]

So I decided 3 weeks ago that I will get over her and haven't contacted since then. I just met her this afternoon to pass her tent to her and took a bus with her to her aunt's house. She was her usual cheerful self and we just talked as per normal, she asked if I was dating and I said no and she replied the same. I then gave her a goodbye hug and she hugged me back.

 

After I left her, my heart felt really heavy. I thought I was over her. Apparently I wasn't. I really want to ask her out but I know I shouldn't. Should I?