ConflictedGuy27 Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I probably already know the answer to this one, but I'll throw it out. I met a girl through some mutual friends, I flirt, and we talk/ text probably daily (5 or so texts total). anyway, I tell her we should do dinner sometime and suggest a time and place. she says: "that sounds great, let's go Dutch" implying that we'll split the check - not my style; I always pay for my dates. is this girl not seeing this as a date? I'm considering bailing on her because, frankly, I could be investing my time elsewhere with someone who has actual romantic interest in me. so ladies & gents, to "go Dutch" is this likely a friend gesture or a romantic one?
LisaLee Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Honestly, I probably would have said the same thing, even if it was a romantic gesture. I would hate to assume that someone else is paying the tab, and when it arrives at the table awkwardness ensues. But I am kind of funny with money, I don't want anyone to think that I am being a mooch. I think the girl was just trying to be polite, even though you asked her out.
denise_xo Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I probably already know the answer to this one, but I'll throw it out. I met a girl through some mutual friends, I flirt, and we talk/ text probably daily (5 or so texts total). anyway, I tell her we should do dinner sometime and suggest a time and place. she says: "that sounds great, let's go Dutch" implying that we'll split the check - not my style; I always pay for my dates. is this girl not seeing this as a date? I'm considering bailing on her because, frankly, I could be investing my time elsewhere with someone who has actual romantic interest in me. so ladies & gents, to "go Dutch" is this likely a friend gesture or a romantic one? I would always insist on splitting the bill no matter how hot the date is, but then I live in a culture where that is the norm. But I find it really weird to say that on the phone as you're making the appointment. If this is the same girl as in your other thread who didn't seem very warm, then maybe you're better off investing time somewhere else...
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 I would always insist on splitting the bill no matter how hot the date is, but then I live in a culture where that is the norm. But I find it really weird to say that on the phone as you're making the appointment. If this is the same girl as in your other thread who didn't seem very warm, then maybe you're better off investing time somewhere else... different girl, similar vibe however. hmm... this seems like an obvious friend zone move. me no likes.
Clep Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 different girl, similar vibe however. hmm... this seems like an obvious friend zone move. me no likes. I don't go on dates with guys and have them pay, even if I am very interested in them. I go dutch all the time. I also say it on the phone like she did, as I feel more comfortable getting things like that out of the way. It is very nice that you want to pay for her, but since when did romantic interest become evident by her independence? Did you tell her that you would like to pay and why? Doesn't sound like you provided her the opportunity to share where she is coming from and if your assumptions are correct or not. Maybe she wanted to not be viewed as a gold digger and, or feels comfortable with her independence. Seems to me like you could be missing out on someone who is independent and thoughtful. You might want to brush up on your communication skills.
denise_xo Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 different girl, similar vibe however. hmm... this seems like an obvious friend zone move. me no likes. Well, if it's a different girl then maybe give her the benefit of the doubt. Like LisaLee, I feel genuinely uncomfortable when the man insists on paying, maybe she's the same... do you have anything else to base your judgement on (other interaction/ conversations/ does she show interest otherwise etc)??
somedude81 Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Why are you going on a dinner date? There are much better things you can do.
Eeyore79 Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 This is a tough one. I admit that if I had friend-zoned a guy, I'd insist on paying my way because I wouldn't want to owe him anything and wouldn't want him to think it was a date. However it is possible that she's just an independent woman who likes to pay her way.
torranceshipman Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Be upfront! Text her back and say thanks for the offer but you like to be a gent and pick up the check if you were the one inviting her out Jeez, don't let crazy dating misunderstandings ruin things before they've even started. And the best thing is that you find out straight away if she was trying to friend zone, or you both get clarity about the payment issues-either way communication is better.
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 Why are you going on a dinner date? There are much better things you can do. grabbing food before hitting up a friend's party later that eve. it's pretty casual; and I'm not too concerned, cause @ this point I barely know the girl. she seems cool tho.
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 This is a tough one. I admit that if I had friend-zoned a guy, I'd insist on paying my way because I wouldn't want to owe him anything and wouldn't want him to think it was a date. However it is possible that she's just an independent woman who likes to pay her way. I didn't realize this was so common with women and dating. I was always told (by women no less), that if she lets the gent pay, it's a date. I just immediately thought then, that the opposite is true. seems that's not entirely the case. thanks ladies, I'll check this out.
edgeofdarkness Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 its her way of saying i'm not one to expect that the guy automatically picks up the tab, i'm gonna pay my way and tell you from the off that i consider both of us equally responsible for what happens during the evening. How can anybody expect to commit equal dedication to a 'relationship', but then expect to be fed and watered, thats just unfair. course, some women subconsciously assume that if you insist on paying for everything, then what are you expecting in return...
NYCmitch25 Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 (edited) I probably already know the answer to this one, but I'll throw it out. I met a girl through some mutual friends, I flirt, and we talk/ text probably daily (5 or so texts total). anyway, I tell her we should do dinner sometime and suggest a time and place. she says: "that sounds great, let's go Dutch" implying that we'll split the check - not my style; I always pay for my dates. is this girl not seeing this as a date? I'm considering bailing on her because, frankly, I could be investing my time elsewhere with someone who has actual romantic interest in me. so ladies & gents, to "go Dutch" is this likely a friend gesture or a romantic one? Nothing wrong with the Dutch, they are a great sea fairing peoples ... Honestly, get over your "hang up", t I would go and try to have a good time, I know us gen-x and y'ers are "all about me" but maybe you should slow down and just try to enjoy the fact that a nice girl is willing to spend time with you. LOL (OK I'm putting a pile of words in your mouth and I've been there and done that so ... who am I to judge.. lol actually you asked, and my thought is that it's a mistake, just have fun. Back off, this kind of thing separates the men from the boys ) Edited August 20, 2010 by NYCmitch25
somedude81 Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 grabbing food before hitting up a friend's party later that eve. it's pretty casual; and I'm not too concerned, cause @ this point I barely know the girl. she seems cool tho. Then what's the big deal? I had the impression that you were taking her to a nice dinner date. But if you're just going to get a bite to eat before you go to a party, then it's irrelevant who pays.
VeveCakes Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I always go dutch or offer to get it next time unless the man insists. I once dated a rich guy who always called me a gold digger and there was nothing that made me more angry than that. She might just want you to see how she doesn't expect for guys to foot the bill all the time, seems like a cool girl to me.
lso802 Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Sounds like a quality girl to me. As a previous poster mentioned, just tell her you're paying. If she still insists on going dutch, then it could be she wants to be fair or she doesn't want to feel obligated to you...thus not interested. Since she seems cool to you so far, you shouldn't let this one go right away on that account.
InceptorsRule Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I probably already know the answer to this one, but I'll throw it out. I met a girl through some mutual friends, I flirt, and we talk/ text probably daily (5 or so texts total). anyway, I tell her we should do dinner sometime and suggest a time and place. she says: "that sounds great, let's go Dutch" implying that we'll split the check - not my style; I always pay for my dates. is this girl not seeing this as a date? I'm considering bailing on her because, frankly, I could be investing my time elsewhere with someone who has actual romantic interest in me. so ladies & gents, to "go Dutch" is this likely a friend gesture or a romantic one? Actually in this context I really think what she means is she wants you to show up to the date wearing wooden shoes. Some chicks are kinky this way. They want to "go Dutch" or sometimes when they get really excited they'll say "Do me like a Dutchman!" It means they want you to strip naked wearing only your wooden shoes and then...well, you know what comes next.
hopesndreams Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I probably already know the answer to this one, but I'll throw it out. I met a girl through some mutual friends, I flirt, and we talk/ text probably daily (5 or so texts total). anyway, I tell her we should do dinner sometime and suggest a time and place. she says: "that sounds great, let's go Dutch" implying that we'll split the check - not my style; I always pay for my dates. is this girl not seeing this as a date? I'm considering bailing on her because, frankly, I could be investing my time elsewhere with someone who has actual romantic interest in me. so ladies & gents, to "go Dutch" is this likely a friend gesture or a romantic one? There's no harm in her going Dutch. She could be thinking her offering to go Dutch will make you more interested in her.
meerkat stew Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 It's about 80% in my estimation that she is not really interested and should have just said no. 20% she is mildly interested and just setting out turf based on past experiences and dating preferences. There is a slight chance she is short on cash and trying to see if she will be expected to bring some. One thing I've learned is that when a woman is highly interested in going out with you, details like who pays, can we go a little later?, or other "specifications" NEVER EVER come up. This is because when she is excited about seeing someone, she doesn't want to mess things up, she wants it to happen without chance of cancellation due to any changes she suggests. When she suggests all kinds of changes in early dating, bringing people, payment plan, whatever, she's not really interested. Doesn't mean not to take her out, just know you have an uphill climb and may be better off just moving on to the next prospect instead of spending energy on someone who really doesn't care if she sees you or not, or wants to see you only with lots of "strings" attached to the plans. Be like Jesus, spew the lukewarm ones from your mouth, or at least your dating option list
redmelon Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 she doesn't want to feel obligated to you...thus not interested. just because she doesn't want to feel obligated or beholden doesn't mean she isn't interested.
jamesum Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 The problem is not with her wanting to go Dutch. But she said it before the date even took place as if to let the guy knows that its not gonna be a date. Normally even if the woman wanna pay for the date she will offer to pay at the end of the dinner, not long before.
O'Malley Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 just because she doesn't want to feel obligated or beholden doesn't mean she isn't interested. She might always go dutch on dates. She might figure that you're not the wealthiest guy in the world. Take her out and seeing how things proceed. Casually let her know that you enjoy treating on your dates or ask her out for another date (make it clear) and see how she responds. If she doesn't want to date you, she'll let 'friends' pop up in the conversation and you can go your merry way.
theBrokenMuse Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 (edited) C'mon guys, there is a HUGE difference between ponying up your half when the bill rolls around and emphatically wanting to convey the understanding beforehand that she intends to pay her own way. There are only two types of women that I personally know of that do that sort of thing: The kind that feels the need to overemphasize how 'independent' they are at every given opportunity and those who want to make it known before anything transpires that this is NOT a date. Neither type bodes well for the OP. Edited August 20, 2010 by theBrokenMuse
Clep Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 C'mon guys, there is a HUGE difference between ponying up your half when the bill rolls around and emphatically stating beforehand that she intends to pay for her own meal. There are only two types of women that I personally know of that do that sort of thing: The kind that feels the need to overemphasize how 'independent' they are at every given opportunity and those who want to make it known before anything transpires that this is NOT a date. Neither type bodes well for the OP. I do that and I do not fall into either category you have stated. Maybe there is another type you haven't thought of.
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