Why do I feel guilty?

[Bitlost2]

Hi everyone

 

Just looking for some LS love and positivity!!

 

Last few weeks my MM turned on the love and niceness and started reeling me back in. Had one amazing night out in that time which left me devastated that we're not to be but then stronger to leave him alone. I simply want someone who can do 'normal' things with me. He talks about holidays and stuff and I just keep throwing it back in his face as fantasyland and I want reality.

 

I keep getting really strong, so much that he's accusing me of being cold with him HA HA HA! I can finally see that after two years (and reading many stories on here of people who have been in this cycle for way longer) he is never going to be with me. So we've spent the last couple of days texting, me explaining the need for reality now that I'm separated from my H and I know he doesn't love me and never will and how I'm last on his list after his male and female mates and colleagues and family. His replies were why can't we always be like that Saturday night? and I understand your feelings but where does that leave us? Are we still friends and can go out and do stuff together. I like and want to spend time with you. etc This morning I couldn't answer his are we still friends anymore question, I was worn out, he's off to a music festival for the weekend with his girlie colleagues (yes I'm jealous we went together last year).

 

He is so bad and toxic for me, not exactly a great friend anymore, feel like I prop up his boring life but nothing else so please tell me why I feel guilty that I didn't reassure him that I will be his friend and we will still do stuff? How does he manage to make me feel bad that I can't handle being a tiny bit of someone's life, that I want more??

 

I can't believe I am so caught up in him! Just 48 hours ago I couldn't really have cared less. He was no good for me etc. Up and down. Up and down. Into me. Not got time for me. In love with me. Out of love with me. He's feeling down. I lift him up. I feel down. He goes to the gym )

 

I love hearing some of your stories that there is a way out of this life. Thanks for sharing your stories and hope. I can't stand all these emotions anymore - I need some peace and stability!!! xx

[Confused4Now]

Hi everyone

 

Just looking for some LS love and positivity!!

 

Last few weeks my MM turned on the love and niceness and started reeling me back in. Had one amazing night out in that time which left me devastated that we're not to be but then stronger to leave him alone. I simply want someone who can do 'normal' things with me. He talks about holidays and stuff and I just keep throwing it back in his face as fantasyland and I want reality.

 

I keep getting really strong, so much that he's accusing me of being cold with him HA HA HA! I can finally see that after two years (and reading many stories on here of people who have been in this cycle for way longer) he is never going to be with me. So we've spent the last couple of days texting, me explaining the need for reality now that I'm separated from my H and I know he doesn't love me and never will and how I'm last on his list after his male and female mates and colleagues and family. His replies were why can't we always be like that Saturday night? and I understand your feelings but where does that leave us? Are we still friends and can go out and do stuff together. I like and want to spend time with you. etc This morning I couldn't answer his are we still friends anymore question, I was worn out, he's off to a music festival for the weekend with his girlie colleagues (yes I'm jealous we went together last year).

 

He is so bad and toxic for me, not exactly a great friend anymore, feel like I prop up his boring life but nothing else so please tell me why I feel guilty that I didn't reassure him that I will be his friend and we will still do stuff? How does he manage to make me feel bad that I can't handle being a tiny bit of someone's life, that I want more??

 

I can't believe I am so caught up in him! Just 48 hours ago I couldn't really have cared less. He was no good for me etc. Up and down. Up and down. Into me. Not got time for me. In love with me. Out of love with me. He's feeling down. I lift him up. I feel down. He goes to the gym )

 

I love hearing some of your stories that there is a way out of this life. Thanks for sharing your stories and hope. I can't stand all these emotions anymore - I need some peace and stability!!! xx

My xMW was a master at creating this dream of what we were going to have...I believed it was going to happen. I also left my marriage but got D and been single for over a year. The relationship was 5 years....she's still with her H and nothing happened. The guilt is something over time will go away I went through this myself as I couldn't even get intimate with anyone I was dating. Only thinking I was cheating on my xMW. How stoopid is that?

 

You are right its very toxic....you are only a convenience for him I'm sure he has no plans to do anything cause you allow this behavior...Work on your boundaries and put him where he needs to be....by himself and with you out of the picture. Maybe after two year he's grown tired of you? After awhile you start sounding like a broken record and no guy likes that....

[Bitlost2]

The guilt is something over time will go away I went through this myself as I couldn't even get intimate with anyone I was dating. Only thinking I was cheating on my xMW. How stoopid is that?

 

Oh gosh I get that. I only went for lunch with someone and felt guilty to him and not my xH to be!! VERY wrong!

 

You are right its very toxic....you are only a convenience for him I'm sure he has no plans to do anything cause you allow this behavior...Work on your boundaries and put him where he needs to be....by himself and with you out of the picture. Maybe after two year he's grown tired of you? After awhile you start sounding like a broken record and no guy likes that....

 

And I wish he would grow tired of me but he's the one that keeps getting in touch but then wants me so much ON HIS TERMS!!

 

I am going to be fine I know. I'm definitely getting stronger but isn't it funny that he seems to sense it and has pulled out all the stops to try and see me and say nice things and this time last week, it was perfect, blah blah blah all of a sudden! He's not stupid! That's me!!!

[piscis]

My xMW was a master at creating this dream of what we were going to have...I believed it was going to happen.

 

I have a very special idea about this kind of things, for me it is like this:

If I tell you we should go into french classes together is because I know I want, I can pay them, I have the time and the availability to do it and I am willing to spend time and money on that otherwise I will not encourage you on going to the class in the first place.

 

But some people just talk and never intend to do it.

 

When my MM left home for a couple of months because his BS found out he talked about moving in together with me he even bought a tv!! so he made everything to make me think it would happened and as when I open my mouth is because I intend to do things I thought he was the same kind of person.

 

My point here is that you believed it was going to happend because you are that type of person that unless you know something will happend you do not create false expectations on somebody elses mind

 

Anyway he is not and the sooner I realize that the better.

Edited August 20, 2010 by piscis

[YellowShark]

I simply want someone who can do 'normal' things with me.

 

I recommend finding a single man to be with. Then all the baggage, drama, and pain associated with MM and affairs is removed from the equation.

 

I keep getting really strong, so much that he's accusing me of being cold with him HA HA HA! I can finally see that after two years (and reading many stories on here of people who have been in this cycle for way longer) he is never going to be with me.

 

That's why they refer to them as "cake eaters."

 

He is so bad and toxic for me, not exactly a great friend anymore, feel like I prop up his boring life but nothing else so please tell me why I feel guilty that I didn't reassure him that I will be his friend and we will still do stuff?

 

Don't feel guilty that you don't want to be "his fall back plan." And yes, this type of relationship is toxic and unhealthy because it keeps you from moving on with your life, and finding someone who you can grow with and have fun with.

 

I need some peace and stability!!! xx

 

Then what you need to do is say goodbye to dating MM and stick with single men. There are ALOT of them out there, cute ones, nice ones, caring ones... who don't bring all the serious baggage MM bring into a relationship.

 

Best of luck.

[Confused4Now]

But some people just talk and never intend to do it.

 

My point here is that you believed it was going to happend because you are that type of person that unless you know something will happend you do not create false expectations on somebody elses mind

Wow never thought of it that way....I guess you could say I'm a walk the talk kinda guy....and I do what I say and say what I mean. So I guess you can say I do this maybe cause that's the kinda person i am. Interesting point.....

[Silly_Girl]

Wow never thought of it that way....I guess you could say I'm a walk the talk kinda guy....and I do what I say and say what I mean. So I guess you can say I do this maybe cause that's the kinda person i am. Interesting point.....

 

I noticed that when I read it earlier too. I say things like 'wouldn't it be lovely if...' but if I say I'm going to do it, I'll do it. Babysit when I'm ill, cover for someone at work when I'm supposed to be off, go camping with my son even though it's the last thing in the world I feel up to. If I say I'll do it, I'll do it. Have fallen out with my best friend over it, her being much less likely to do as she says (certainly, when we were younger anyway). Yet apparently accept it from MM.

[cavedweller]

Bitlost2,

 

How long have you been in the affair with your mm?

[Bitlost2]

Hi Cavedweller

 

Apologies for the delay. Had a rough couple of days but feeling bit better today.

 

We were together just over two years, on/off, on/off, on/off! Me going, him contacting me, me melting etc!

 

Anyway the brilliant news is that after a week or so of me telling him politely that this is going nowhere and as I'm now a single woman I want more, more realities and less fantasies, and him not really listening it appears that yesterday's texts have worked. However, his reaction to some of my messages have been unbelievable. You would not believe that they are from an intelligent man who apparently cares for me and has been my friend since we were teenagers!

 

Anyway, I unfortunately bumped into him today out shopping. I wanted to see his face, to see if he really understood why we can't be friends. He just said I'd made my opinion clear, didn't want to discuss it and walked away. Again, I felt guilty like I'd hurt him. That it was my choice to end the relationship (it was but only because he is married!) and why couldn't I just deal with the situation? So I had a wobbly moment in the car, spoke to a friend and moved on AGAIN! He later texted me to say that he wasn't being funny there was just nothing else to say. (So why text me to tell me again that there was nothing to say?) So I reiterated my view - I've been in love with an unavailable man for 2 years who will never love and want me. It is time to let go and move on. Why can't he understand that, as someone who 'cares' for me??

 

Blah, I've finished this relationship so many times I've actually lost count but this is the first time that I have not felt totally devastated and lost. I really, really hope that I've finally gone into survival mode after all this time and that I've finally seen that actually the man I fell in love with has been no where in sight for the last 18 months and the bloke I've been left with is selfish beyond belief.

 

Please don't let me wake up tomorrow or in a few days feeling his loss and please let me have the strength that when I see him or hear from him again, be it days, weeks, months or years I will have moved on enough to never let him hurt me, make me cry, feel weak, unloveable or any other negative emotion again!

 

Love and strength to you all xx

[Bitlost2]

After all that positivity I was on fb last night (love it/hate it) and he's changed his profile pic. He's had the same one for the last two years, length of our relationship. The photo he used to have was taken the second time we met and he had a big cheesy grin to show me how happy he was to be with me.

 

It's a little thing but it hurts. He would know that too!

 

BTW we're not 'friends' on fb. Haven't been for over a year (hurt too much, it was where we reconnected) but we do have some mutual school friends so he popped up on one of their profiles and I noticed the pic change.

[Fieldsofgold]

Hi Cavedweller

 

Apologies for the delay. Had a rough couple of days but feeling bit better today.

 

We were together just over two years, on/off, on/off, on/off! Me going, him contacting me, me melting etc!

 

Anyway the brilliant news is that after a week or so of me telling him politely that this is going nowhere and as I'm now a single woman I want more, more realities and less fantasies, and him not really listening it appears that yesterday's texts have worked. However, his reaction to some of my messages have been unbelievable. You would not believe that they are from an intelligent man who apparently cares for me and has been my friend since we were teenagers!

 

Anyway, I unfortunately bumped into him today out shopping. I wanted to see his face, to see if he really understood why we can't be friends. He just said I'd made my opinion clear, didn't want to discuss it and walked away. Again, I felt guilty like I'd hurt him. That it was my choice to end the relationship (it was but only because he is married!) and why couldn't I just deal with the situation? So I had a wobbly moment in the car, spoke to a friend and moved on AGAIN! He later texted me to say that he wasn't being funny there was just nothing else to say. (So why text me to tell me again that there was nothing to say?) So I reiterated my view - I've been in love with an unavailable man for 2 years who will never love and want me. It is time to let go and move on. Why can't he understand that, as someone who 'cares' for me??

 

Blah, I've finished this relationship so many times I've actually lost count but this is the first time that I have not felt totally devastated and lost. I really, really hope that I've finally gone into survival mode after all this time and that I've finally seen that actually the man I fell in love with has been no where in sight for the last 18 months and the bloke I've been left with is selfish beyond belief.

 

Please don't let me wake up tomorrow or in a few days feeling his loss and please let me have the strength that when I see him or hear from him again, be it days, weeks, months or years I will have moved on enough to never let him hurt me, make me cry, feel weak, unloveable or any other negative emotion again!

 

Love and strength to you all xx

 

the bolded - the first one - I don't think he's available to love anyone. Except maybe himself. I wonder if he's a sociopath.

 

The last bolded part - I wish this for you too, very, very much.

[Hazyhead]

Please don't let me wake up tomorrow or in a few days feeling his loss and please let me have the strength that when I see him or hear from him again, be it days, weeks, months or years I will have moved on enough to never let him hurt me, make me cry, feel weak, unloveable or any other negative emotion again!

 

((((((((BitLost))))))))

 

This part of your post really stood out to me. I remember that feeling; it's scary. You can do this though, hon - you want out, you have to get yourself out. You will feel his loss and it will probably be tremendous. It will take all of your strength to resist calling on him, or even just contacting him for an outlet but you can do it. I'm so sorry that you feel this way now, just concentrate on that last sentence of yours and think how wonderful it will be when this is the case.

 

Chin up chicken - like in JJ33's signature: be the change that you want to see.

[Capris]

................

How does he manage to make me feel bad that I can't handle being a tiny bit of someone's life, that I want more??

 

I can't believe I am so caught up in him! Just 48 hours ago I couldn't really have cared less. He was no good for me etc. Up and down. Up and down. Into me. Not got time for me. In love with me. Out of love with me. He's feeling down. I lift him up. I feel down. He goes to the gym )

 

I love hearing some of your stories that there is a way out of this life. Thanks for sharing your stories and hope. I can't stand all these emotions anymore - I need some peace and stability!!! xx

 

Well once again i can not answer, only add to someone's questions. I hope i could answer one day and really help.

I think guilt comes with the A. For some reason MM makes us feel guilty for almost everything (please correct me if im wrong)

Maybe its the lack of freedom they have that makes them keep us in their reach.

Most of our guilt may come from us and our lack of insecurity.

I feel guilty for not being able to see him when he is free when he always calls me to meet me. At first i was always on stand for him giving up everything for him. Even he realised i wasnt being fair to myself.

I feel guilty if i have a night with mutual friends without him knowing in advance cause it just came up. I act guilty the next day when telling him. I assume its because if i was in his posission i wouldve thought he was cheating on me.

 

Most of the guilt i feel, at least, comes from the cheating subject.

I feel insecure of him to cheat on me cause he already is cheating his W with me and he feels insecure of me cheating on him cause he thinks its easy for me. (deep down inside MM hate us for dating a MM and ruining their marriages...weird but true)

 

So basically we are two people who are together but not really. We want to be together but every night we part each for his own home. I think that takes out the basic and meaningful "possesivness" from a couple.

I do believe that one of the aspects of being a couple is the feeling that the other person is "all yours". Not to be misunderstood, im talking bout the basis of the basic possesivness, the harmless part. Hope i make sense.

 

So i feel guilty of not being able to fulfill my part of the relationship, even if we both know i, nor him, can.

 

I feel anxious and guilty cause i have to wait till we are both alone to talk about subjects that are bothering me or him. When you cant talk about things when you have to, it gets anxious and for me, i feel guilty on top.

 

I hope i make sense. Its just my story of why i feel guilty.

[Bitlost2]

Hey Hazyhead

 

Thanks for your comments. I like your posts ))) I know that this is the closest I have ever got to letting go for good so fingers crossed!

 

Had a little set back today when a bloke I met last week, who happens to be young, fit, gorgeous and a complete morale boost, cancelled on me a few hours before we were going to meet up. He was the first person I've arranged to meet in the last 15 years (minus my H and MM!) After a week of communicating he decided to announce today that he's got a GF!!! OMG. Run like mad! Am I only attracted to/attractive to attached men?? I had no idea! At least he's told me now and not before I fell again but it's still a major disappointment and I'm hurt when I didn't need to be if he'd been honest from the start. ARGH!

 

Oh well, he helped me to forget MM for a little while!

 

Love to all xxxx

[Pink_orchid]

Hey Hazyhead

 

Thanks for your comments. I like your posts ))) I know that this is the closest I have ever got to letting go for good so fingers crossed!

 

Had a little set back today when a bloke I met last week, who happens to be young, fit, gorgeous and a complete morale boost, cancelled on me a few hours before we were going to meet up. He was the first person I've arranged to meet in the last 15 years (minus my H and MM!) After a week of communicating he decided to announce today that he's got a GF!!! OMG. Run like mad! Am I only attracted to/attractive to attached men?? I had no idea! At least he's told me now and not before I fell again but it's still a major disappointment and I'm hurt when I didn't need to be if he'd been honest from the start. ARGH!

 

Oh well, he helped me to forget MM for a little while!

 

Love to all xxxx

BitLost, first don't feel guilty about wanting more for yourself. I did too. Did not want to be OtherWoman, FriendsWithBenefits, or FriendsWithoutBenefits or waiting in the wings, life on hold! My MM went in a huge sulk for me calling time on our 'friendship' because he couldn't or wouldn't leave the marriage. Ok there were extenuating circumstances, wife was ill, young child, he out of work, distance, so much against us, but I didn't want to be friends. I sometimes wish I'd said I did, because now I have no contact with him but it really wasn't any good for me being friends, NO. Nor for you. It's not what you want is it. I know that I want a proper loving relationship and not to be anyone's friend if I am in love with them and they are with someone else.

 

And secondly, the date that got cancelled with the new guy, yep, just happened to me too. Met this guy the other week, very fanciable and a nice guy! Working in my area for a few weeks. Very attentive, millions of texts. And single (one of the first things I checked). Been to my house (working very close by) and spent some nice time together, got quite intimate, both emotionally and sexually. He then lets me down and says sorry, he's not ready for anything. A few days later more texts, decided to give him another try, got let down again! He says so sorry but back with his ex! Then yesterday I saw him and he came up to me, said hello and asked if I was all right, kinda looked quite sad and sorry, I said a curt Hi and went on by. Didn't want to give him chance number 3 but OH DAMN IT, I did like him, and I didn't need to be hurt/rejected again, so my sympathies to you.

 

It's good though in some ways, we must be giving out vibes that we are looking for someone new (and we are attracting fitties there will be another one along soon).

[Flabbergaster]

mm here, giving you some possible answers from a male brain.

 

First: big hug. this hurts, i know. Keep away from him. Stay the course.

 

I can think of two reasons for his behavior:

-he's a sociopath. you're a plaything for him; good in bed, fun out of bed, no pressures on him. cakeeater

-he does care for you. he wants you in his life, but doesn't want you to suffer because (important part): he's not going to leave her. He was letting you go but then felt longing and pulled you back with the dream that you could be ok with the situation. Uh...nicer cake eater?

 

So...does it matter which of these are his reasons? Neither of these is good for you. (You might prefer the second option because 1. it means you weren't played 2. it lets you maintain a false image of him as wonderful, a tragic hero. I suggest that either of these options is a losing situation for you).

 

It's hard for your heart to understand why you can't have him as yours. You find blame in your own actions, because that allows you to preserve the vision of him as "the one for you." This is perhaps where the guilt comes from?

 

He acted like that when you met him because he's hurt. That's also why he sent the sms. He probably cares for you, probably hurts badly without you in his life.

Well...that's his problem, not yours.

Thicht Naht Hanh says "suffering is not enough." It's almost like he knew someone that was scarred in an affair?

 

The fact that he might care is NOT a reason for you to have any type of relationship with him.

There are men out there who are not married. You will find love again, and it will be a better love.

 

Let's deal with your guilt:

The failure of this relationship is not your fault.

The fact that you hurt (and he hurts) is not your fault.

Staying in this relationship would be painful and toxic for you. Leaving it was not a bad or mean thing for you to do.

Yes he's hurt by your departure. F that, you're hurt MORE by him being unavailable.

 

The failure of this relationship is his fault.

The pain you have? The pain you had at holidays? How about the time you really needed him to be there for you but you couldn't even hear his voice?

AGAIN that's all his fault.

 

If he hurts it is his fault, not yours.

SO it's time to stop feeling guilty for your actions; you are doing the best thing for you. Feel pity for him, NOT guilt.

 

Perhaps you try to understand why you can't have him, and you think "maybe i did something wrong." The reason you can't have him is because he isn't available; it's not your fault that you can't have him.

All the pain he's given you...heck you shouldn't want that anyway. You'd tell your sister / bff not to want it, wouldn't you?

 

Go no contact.

 

If he hurts, let someone else help him. You can't help him without enabling him to hurt you. It's time to love yourself first. Care for him by letting him out of your life.

 

Don't be surprised when you fluctuate between hating him / not caring / missing / feeling guilty.

When you feel the missing or guilt...remember the rational reasons for why you need to move on (and aren't at fault) and DO NOT CONTACT him. Post an SOS here if you need to, don't contact him. Also remember that if you wait a few hours...you'll probably feel better.

 

STAY busy. Exercise.

 

This pain will heal. You will find someone that makes you happy, without hurting you. You are not alone...all of us know what it is like to hurt. You're going to get through this.

 

 

 

Hi everyone

I simply want someone who can do 'normal' things with me.

 

How does he manage to make me feel bad that I can't handle being a tiny bit of someone's life, that I want more??

 

I can't believe I am so caught up in him! xx

[Hazyhead]

Eek! So glad you ran! (Also glad you got a little morale booster, they're the best )

 

Youre doing really well and you honestly sound to me like you want to move forward now. Don't worry about guys just yet though, there'll be time for them later, just concentrate on you.

 

Still, ain't nothin' wrong with a little flirty fun!

 

Good for you, girl xx

 

Hey Hazyhead

 

Thanks for your comments. I like your posts ))) I know that this is the closest I have ever got to letting go for good so fingers crossed!

 

Had a little set back today when a bloke I met last week, who happens to be young, fit, gorgeous and a complete morale boost, cancelled on me a few hours before we were going to meet up. He was the first person I've arranged to meet in the last 15 years (minus my H and MM!) After a week of communicating he decided to announce today that he's got a GF!!! OMG. Run like mad! Am I only attracted to/attractive to attached men?? I had no idea! At least he's told me now and not before I fell again but it's still a major disappointment and I'm hurt when I didn't need to be if he'd been honest from the start. ARGH!

 

Oh well, he helped me to forget MM for a little while!

 

Love to all xxxx

[Bitlost2]

Thank you Pink Orchid, Flabbergaster and of course Hazyhead for taking the time to contact me. I hope you realise that your words are very powerful and really make a difference to me. I haven't been on here for over a week and I don't think I should go that long because you lot give me so much strength!

 

Little update! (No two weeks ever the same in my life!) I had the best week of the last two years last week. No overthinking, no missing, no worrying. He was gone and my life was better! I was the me I remember before him, proper happy inside and out. I appreciated every minute. I even went shopping with my H to buy furniture for his new house! I was happy.

 

MM got in touch after only a week of walking away from me so 'hurt' with nothing else to say! I was still strong, happy and reiterated that I can't be a bit a bit of excitement on the side, leave me alone. He was all 'I miss you, we are so good together! Heard it before. I said we're never together, never will be and apart we are a toxic disaster. Then I went to gym on Tuesday and he was there will one of his colleagues that I've always been jealous of. Just sickening. Knocked me off my feet. I avoid the times he goes but... Later he contacted me to say I drove past him without saying hello was I ok? I said I saw that he was with her and was waiting for her to drive by and he went on to tell me about a funny story about her leaving a drinks bottle in the gym which was funny because he did the same last week etc.... hillarious! Do I need to know? NO! I just ignored him so later he asked if I was grumpy? He then tried to call me the following day and I didn't pick up. Honestly??? Where has the caring, patient, compassionate man gone? I don't recognise him anymore. He doesn't give a wotsit about me. Doesn't think how tough things might be with my marriage breaking up and him playing around with my emotions and that he should go and find his amusement elsewhere.

 

I just want to get back to feeling and thinking like last week. He's just doing my head in! I know I will it's just yet another set back!

 

Love to you all x