Hopeless

[Hopeless]

Today, I was left in a state of hopelessness. And, although one can only provide hope for themselves, I needed to be directed to it by another person. Unfortunately, there was no one capable of leading me to it. I suppose another person who has lost sight of hope can not show it to a person on the brink of losing sight of it. So now I realize that it was a mistake to feel again. My heart is begging for a certain person to open their heart and believe, to show me hope. Because, I feel I have nothing more to give. Because, my life now seems dark. Their are too many thoughts pounding my head. I need help. Please, I NEED HELP!! DON'T BREAK ME!! I can't take this pain. Just show me you believe. Just show me that you have hope. Show me what I never hesitated to show you. My heart needs to take now. My heart needs to be comforted. I'm so afraid. I'm so lost. PLEASE, SAVE ME!!! PLEASE SHOW ME HOPE!!

[Darkangelism]

What happened that made you feel hopeless? There is always a reason to hope, always.

[Hopeless]

I felt there was a reason to believe a certain relationship could work. But, my life has left me with little to give. My life has drained me. I don't have much hope. In honesty, I don't have much of anything left to give. But, I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. Today, I broke. The person I'm with has no hope left. This kills me. This drains the little hope I have. Today, I found my heart begging for it. Today, I found my heart begging for him to give me (show me that he has) hope. I needed it. I just needed to know. I am a manic depressive. I go through spouts where I am happy and then all of a sudden very depressed. Today, my whole life looked bigger than me. And today, I feel I should close the door and become numb once more. My heart feels as if I have died. I no longer need to live. I will not kill myself. But, I may as well exist as I have before. I may as well become inhuman again. I no longer need to feel. I was begging for him to save me. He wants to save. So save me by showing me hope. I need something. I need hope. I always thought hope was there. But today, I have lost sight of hope. Perhaps I have gone blind.

[silk_sword]

explain your situation. i think i know what u r going through. i also get depressed off and on, but i don't know if i have your condition. maybe u should seek help. it sounds like u r very depressed. i can say that i think today i felt that way too. that today i was left feeling almost hopeless and wanted someone to give me hope. the person i wanted it from has also lost sight of hope. i'm not sure about what advise to give u. i just wanted u to know that u r not alone. i know that right now u must feel really lonely. u probably feel like no one understands. no one will understand exactly what u r going through. but, we can help as much as possible. what hope do u need? i feel that i have little left to give, too, but, maybe i can share.

[Darkangelism]

If your bf left, just give it time, you will feel better, meet new guys, if he is gone it just means that he isnt the one.

[ladyangel]

Originally posted by Hopeless

I am a manic depressive. I go through spouts where I am happy and then all of a sudden very depressed.

Manic depression is a disorder that can be treated very successfully. If you're not seeing a doctor, please do! I know it won't make your current situation go away, but it can make you feel better about yourself and your outlook on life in general. I wish the best for you. And I have hope for you.

[Hopeless]

I'm afraid ladyangel. I also don't want to be put on medication, drugs.

[dario]

I know what you mean about not wanting to be put on medication etc.

 

his must be an amazingly hard time for you...to need that person who you thought would 'save you'. But you must save yourself, too. Remember that. These moments hit me hard too and they send me into an insane spin....I can identify with you.

[Hopeless]

How do you save yourself? I am lost. I don't know what to do or where to go?

[dario]

I'm not good at it. It consumes me whole. I become someone different (mentally). I go into overdrive...it's not healthy. I forget what time is. And, for me, I live in my car until the whole thing is expelled from my system. I did this again recently. It doesn't work. I should have know. It's that sort of realisation that cures it. The fact that you will face mountains and that you and you alone must take it on and overcome it within the boundaries of sanity. Cause at the end of the day...the only person who truly understands it is yourself and the only person who can overcome it is you.

[Hopeless]

Then why am I begging for someone to help me? Then why do I repeat in my mind over and over again please help me, please save me? Who am I calling to? Where do I start to step to get out of this? Why can't the person I need most just see that I need him? Why can't I just see that I need to stop this? Why can't I change these feelings? Why do I not know how to help myself? I need comfort and yet I push it away. Why am I so afraid? Why can't I just stop it all? I know I need help outside myself, but I know only I can overcome this. So which is it? I wanna scream!!

[moimeme]

Manic depression, as any other disorder, distorts your thinking. The reason you should not avoid medication is that your body has failed you. It does not produce the chemicals your brain needs to work properly the way you need them. Scientists learned how our brains work and they figured out how to create the chemicals that your brain needs so that they can be replaced.

 

There is no shame to this. In diabetics, the pancreas does not produce enough of the right chemicals. Your brain is just an organ like your pancreas and it deserves care the same way. Please see a physician. The reason you are feeling the way you feel is that your chemicals are screwed up and they affect how you think. You can't fix the thinking without fixing the chemicals, too.

[look forward]

I agree with moimeme your mind is creating this feeling that you cant cope due to a chemical imbalance instigated by depression, even though you dont want to go on pills it may be the only way to pull you back and pick you up a little, also counselling is also a good option so you can vent your fears and feelings which is always good..

 

I would suggest you go and see a doctor as they will be able to asses the depth of your condition and how best to treat you..

[monkey]

Hopeless, are you constantly like this or is it situational, like when someone important & strong for you in your life, is no longer there.

I understand how you feel in the way that my girl couldn't handle my anxiety & panic attack problem & we seperated, but this drives me to prove to her that i can improve myself & then who knows.

 

Medication is necessary in our situation along with understanding the physical & mental manifestation of the problem. If it's situational, like you rely on your partner, then it isn't healthy & isn't attractive to them, some have said this to me, but similarly in a way, after being & sharing everything with someone for so long & then them not being there is like being reliant in a way & takes some people a considerable amount of time to get over, especialy if your emotionaly fragile & insecure & sensitive. Others can just walk away & onto the next conquest.

 

Therapy along with medication is the best route to take. I do anxiety management but CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is prooven to help handle your reactions, your way of thinking that creates depression, speak to your GP about this. Understanding is the best way to begin dealing with it, try http://www.depressionchat.com there are a lot of helpfull people on the chatrooms & message boards who you will relate to.

But as i say if it is a specific person that you need to be with, you either have to put yourself in their shoes & imagine how you would feel, as i have done & come to a conclusion.

For me, i would have done anything to help if the roles were reversed & not thought anything of it, but i would also have needed my space. If someone leaves you solely because of your problem, you have to think if they were worth it in the first place, these thoughts i have had & helped me, but try & get as much help as you can & take the meds, you have nothing to lose & all to gain. PM me if you like.

[DarkClouds]

Darling one,

 

Firstly, your intent is your outcome - change your nickname from being as it is. Start by calling yourself "I am saved" and you will b saved (ur prayers may not b answered in the way u think - but in the way they should).

 

U call out loud to be saved, so save your self. No other could give you more love that you need - bar one. Your self.

 

Actually bar another. Your divine spirit. There is a difference between the ego's hasty wants and ur spirit's gentle needs. Love ur self and see the beauty in life - because there is great beauty in even the smallest of things.

 

Start going within - because it is within that u r empty. This emptiness can not be eternally fulfilled until u fill it internally. B gentle with urself. U r way too harsh on your gentle self. B loving to ur self because u r loved no matter what and everything that u ask for is already awaiting within u.

 

B gentle and kind to ur self.

 

DC

[tphillip]

Originally posted by Hopeless

I'm afraid ladyangel. I also don't want to be put on medication, drugs.

As someone who dated and lived with a manic-depressive girlfriend all I can say is that for nearly all people who suffer manic-depression, or bipolar disorder, the choice is either medication or a life a misery.

 

There are doctors out there who will work with you to find the right dosage and combination of drugs to get the mood swings under control with a minimum of side-effects. There are therapists and cognitive techniques that will help you keep the symptoms under control and not let the illness control you. And there are support groups out there to give you help when you need it and show you that the disease is managable and that you can live a full productive life.

 

Do not let your fear of drugs prevent you from controlling this disorder and letting the disorder run your life for you. I can't say this enough times: Bipolar disorder can be managed, treated and controlled. Bipolar disorder cannot be cured, but you can control its effect on you and not allow it to control you.

 

Good luck in finding treatment. The road you're walking on is very difficult, but it's not impossible and there is a lot of help available along the way.

[ladyangel]

That was very well put, tphillip. Thanks for explaining it better than I could.

 

Hopeless -- it is NOT hopeless. Please listen to our advice and get help from a professional. You will be very glad you did.

[Hopeless]

Thank you everyone for caring so much. Thank you all for your beautiful and supportive words. Your words alone have left me with amazing warmth. The man I am with has not left me. I am sorry that I was not clear about that. The man I am with is a very supportive man. Last night I had a mental break down and he was present. I used to have them often, but for a long period of time (about three years) I hadn't. After awhile of suffering so much, I shut myself down. I was numb for those years. I wasn't alive. I was just existing and knew how to ignore all emotion. Recently, the doors to emotions have been opened. I find these emotions very hard to deal with. Last night, I pushed my boyfriend away. Although, inside I was begging for him. When I go through these breakdowns (very intense times of depression), I push everyone away. I don't want people to leave. It must be a defense. I've always felt people always leave. So perhaps I do it because I don't want to hurt later on. Well, I pushed him away and he left. At this point, I felt something inside me break. It was the most agonizing feeling. I felt as if my stomach burst. I was undergoing physical pain. It was unbearable. I also couldn't stop crying. I was left in a state of hopelessness. The darkest portion of my heart is one that has no faith or no hope. I was faced with it last night. And, while faced to it, I pushed away someone I loved. Unfortunately, in this state I have no energy or ability to explain to him that I need him to stay. I have no part of me that can explain that I need comfort. But, without this how can he understand? So as he left, I experienced such pain and I couldn't realize that I forced him away. I thought and still have in my mind that he left me to bitter pain. I feel that he left me alone in darkness. This is the mind of insanity. I know last night something broke in me. I know last night wasn't healthy. I had a terrible breakdown. To answer other questions, my mood swings often. Lately, I've had many mood swings. When I started seeing this guy, a lot of emotions erupted. I am no longer numb. And because of this, I am very vulnerable right now. I know I need help. I needed help many years ago, but I made the wrong choice and shut my humanity down. I commited suicide without really jumping. I wasn't really alive these past few years. I merely existed. It's good to be alive once more in a way. But, then again it is almost unbearable. I will find help. I have been thinking about it recently. Last night was proof that I need to. Now, I feel very tranquil. I just finished listening to this song. The song always calms me. It is Lullaby (the accoustic version) by Creed. It's a slow and pleasant song. It makes me realize that I am alright. I makes me realize all is good and beautiful. It makes me understand that there is always a peace after the storm. I do see the world and beautiful. That view has never changed. I just at times see no purpose or point for me in it. But, that is my head. Last night, I was saying things and behaving so strangely. I felt as if it wasn't me. I felt like I was inside my head and could see what I was doing, but that I had no control. I felt like someone else had literally taken over my body. I felt possessed. Because, it wasn't me. This is frightful. But don't worry everyone. I am going to seek help. And, my wonderful man and I have spoken. He is as supportive as ever. He promised to be there. And, for the first time, I trust. I will make it through. I am strong. I just need to fix the problem with my body as moimeme says. And off I go. Hope is always there. Sometimes I close my eyes and forget how to open them. Thank you again everyone. You all are so supportive. I can't even begin to tell you how much what each of you said means to me. You are all amazing and beautiful! Thank you! Love and appreciation forever~

[moimeme]

Congratulations on your courageous decision to seek help and best of luck to you in that!

[wearesisters]

Time will help if you are suffering because of a breakup and not because of something more physical/chemical. If you need medication for a chemical imbalance then please do not stop taking it. It may help you to know that I felt the same way you are feeling several (6) months ago.

 

I think I read this somewhere, maybe here: Heartbreak and hopelessness are like an open wound that only time can heal. Be patient with yourself...and good to yourself. Time does make the pain lessen. Crying helps...some chemical is released that actually is supposed to help heal. I also read an inspirational book on grief and the stages of grief. This helped, as I could relate to the various stages. When I got to anger stage I noticed a light at the end of the tunnel. This stage ironically lasted the shortest time.

 

In the meantime, give yourself little treats (chocolate has "feel good" serotonin in it), write your thoughts here, in a letter to the source of your pain (but best not to send them) or in a journal (this helped me). Try to "escape" for awhile into movies or books when you can't cope. The internet is a great source for reading about people going through the same things as you, as you already know.

 

Some people can exercise their way through coping (walking/running might help you) but I couldn't force myself to do it. Eating right also helps. Write a poem, make up a song...something creative might help. I painted a room a lively, happy color while playing loud, upbeat music one day and felt much better. (But this was after a few months of grieving)

 

Just know we are all here for you.