LostInTurn Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Ok, so each of us here had lives before out ex's. What made you happy? How did you mold yourself to change? Can you remember who you were? I think many of us have lost ourselves along the way. I can say: I was an independent thinker. I didn't feel that I needed to be on call for someone. I was happy. I laughed a lot more. I felt secure with myself. Anyone else?
cookie2 Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I was quite unhappy and insecure. I didn't have many friends or much confidence. Being with my ex taught me those things and now that she is gone, I am taking it to the next level. I am much better now, so thanks for that, STBXW!
Username37 Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I honestly cannot remember who I was. All I really remember being very quiet and shy. Then when I met my ex, she opened me up. For that I thank her
LoveTruthChaos Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Well for one, I was about a minute away from becoming a lesbian...I had just had enough with guys! I'm an idealistic person, I love things like mythology, fairies, angels, rainbows, the Universe, photography, writing, poetry, astrology and all those kinds of things. When I met him, it was like a fairytale. I thought everything was perfect. Then I realised that the fairytale was created by ME. By MY brand of thinking. It's been 4 and a half months since he left me for someone else, and I can happily say that I haven't changed and never will. I've found my rose coloured glasses again, and he'll never take them away again.
flyguy23 Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I was 17 before I met her, and now I am 22. I was in high school so I don't really remember how I was exactly but she shaped me into the person I am today. That is why it hurts so much that she left me. Sighh
Joe Dirt Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I like you flyguy am in the same position. I was in high school when I met her and now am 23. I never really dated anyone else since it was a 5 year relationship. It still hurts everyday, and time doesnt get better unless YOU accept it and let it get better. I still struggle day to day, but I know we must do what is right for ourselves right now. I was shy and quiet before I met her, she brought out the best in me. Now there is a void in my life. I still have friends but not my best friend.
This Hurts Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I was quite unhappy and insecure. I didn't have many friends or much confidence. Being with my ex taught me those things and now that she is gone, I am taking it to the next level. This I was 17 before I met her, and now I am 22. I was in high school so I don't really remember how I was exactly but she shaped me into the person I am today. That is why it hurts so much that she left me. Sighh This I was in high school when I met her and now am 23. I never really dated anyone else since it was a 5 year relationship. It still hurts everyday, and time doesnt get better unless YOU accept it and let it get better. I still struggle day to day, but I know we must do what is right for ourselves right now. I was shy and quiet before I met her, she brought out the best in me. Now there is a void in my life. I still have friends but not my best friend. And this. That sums me up Was in high school when I met her; shy, quiet, reserved/private; she was my best friend, my girlfriend, my everything; didn't really know how to live before her, so this is exceptionally hard for me but I think I'm doing pretty good, way better than I thought. I just hope I can get completely past it someday.
Author LostInTurn Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 (edited) I like you flyguy am in the same position. I was in high school when I met her and now am 23. I never really dated anyone else since it was a 5 year relationship. It still hurts everyday, and time doesnt get better unless YOU accept it and let it get better. I still struggle day to day, but I know we must do what is right for ourselves right now. I was shy and quiet before I met her, she brought out the best in me. Now there is a void in my life. I still have friends but not my best friend. Maybe I can help you both. I met my first serious, wonderful boyfriend when I was a sophomore in high school and he was a senior. He was shy, handsome, loving. Absolutely amazing. We spent a lot of time together. We dated throughout my high school years and throughout some of my college years as well. We would break up and get back together. Some of the lowest lows in my life thus far included him. Having said that, he has always loved me unconditionally. Even when I thought we would never speak again, when I thought he hated me to the point of never being able to forgive. I am not saying, these people will be in your lives forever. I am saying, in my situation. I learned a lot about myself. I did a lot of growing during this time. And of all the things I know, I know what true love is and that it exists. My first love, real love, made me who I am. I am the person I am today because of him. He was the first person I ever wanted to take care of. He was the first person I ever fought for when I wanted him back. You may feel you have these 'voids' and that these people shaped you. I'm sure they did shape you. You started dating young and your relationships, for whatever the reason ended in your early 20's. One thing I tell people... you're young yet. I am not discounting the fact that you both have relationships that have ended. But what I'm telling you is now you know. Now you know how a long term relationship works. Now you know the difference between true happiness and sadness. You may find in time, that these people become your best friends. In my case, he is my best friend. When my relationship ended 3 weeks ago, and my world came crashing down... who picked me up? He did. He has watched me sit in bed and stare at the wall. He watched my will to live deteriorate. He sat with me while I cried. But the one things he did, that meant more than anything was tell me I would be fine. That I would get through this. If it wasn't for him, I don't know what I would do. I have not left his side since this all happened. There is a calmness about having him with me. He knows I need him. He knows without him I would be lost. I am so fortunate. When he leaves for work is when my anxiety sets in about the breakup. I wish he'd never leave my side. My point, no matter whether these first loves are here or gone... you walked away with knowledge. Knowledge that will serve you for the rest of your life. You will recover from this. Edited August 20, 2010 by LostInTurn
Gfkr2 Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 It was a half a lifetime ago for me and I was YOUNG. What made me happy was being with my parents and siblings. Now, I feel shame at my age having my elderly mother having to "baby" me again after being a my family's alpha for 26 years
LoveTruthChaos Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Wow. I feel for you guys. A lot. No wonder it's so hard for you to cope after all that's happened. I'm not saying that I coped any better, but no relationship has ever shaped who I am. *hugs*
cookie2 Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 no relationship has ever shaped who I am. Of course it has! As human beings we are the sum of our experiences. Your experiences include those relationships, therefore they have changed you, and made you what you are today. Not necessarily in the ways you might expect, but they must have had an effect. If you've truly gone back to exactly how you were before, then I feel you you, because the part of your life that you spent in your relationship has been wasted.
Beeotch Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Wow. I feel for you guys. A lot. No wonder it's so hard for you to cope after all that's happened. I'm not saying that I coped any better, but no relationship has ever shaped who I am. *hugs* Yea I find that strange....I am wondering if that is the reality or just incorrect thinking. I learned a lot from my ex and our break up was a catalyst for me going deeper into myself, but I can't say that "he shaped me"...that's kind of creepy. Anyway, I strongly believe lasting, loving relationships are those in which 2 complete individuals, secure in who they are, happy with life, having ambitions come together. The relationship is the icing on the cake or the cherry on top of the sundae. A bag of flour, some eggs and some sugar can't sit around waiting for a baker to bake it, those relationships are codependent and don't bode well. I have vowed that my life will be a DELICIOUS and tantalizing cake and any relationship will only be the icing on something ALREADY great.....don't want to be waiting to be baked.
Hersheys Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I was in uni, confident, had the greatest friends then I met my exes and several breakups later I have become a cynic, insecure and a bit of a recluse.
LoveTruthChaos Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Well, now you all have me second guessing myself. I have been in 2 serious relationships, and lots of heartbreak through unrequited crushes along the way. My first relationship was when I was 16-18, and I learned a lot about what I didn't want from a relationship, but no - it did not change who I am. My last relationship that ended 4.5 months ago, was a 20 month relationship, long distance for the most part. Apart from, once again, learning important lessons about what not to settle for again, the relationship did not change who I am. I've always had an incredible sense of self. My closest friendships have shaped me, but I don't believe relationships have. I don't lose myself in them. Lessons learned does not equal a change in who I am, fundamentally, as a person. My personality hasn't changed, my goals, my friendships. I value each of the relationships, but they haven't changed me.
flyguy23 Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Perhaps I didn't say it correctly, she didn't shape me as a person, I was just a young kid at the time, she helped me get into college and without her I probably wouldn't of gone to college, that's what I meant.
You Go Girl Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Interesting. What's the difference between a relationship shaping who we are--changing us profoundly, vs simply reinforcing the things we already know, or not changing us to a great degree. I think that's the hair we're splitting here. We all must agree to some degree that our relationships changed us. Perhaps what flavor of salad dressing we like. In some way that person had an influence on us. However parroting their idioms and using their tone of voice, things like that would be unhealthy. That's losing our identity. Having a severe breakdown. That's losing ourselves to the relationship in an unhealthy way. Learning lessons is all good. Gaining a more open mind is good. Maturing is good. Taking on their bad habits is bad of course. Learning a good habit and making it ours is good. I look in the mirror and still see me. I did lose myself for awhile, but I'm back. Either I'm too stubborn to change much, my personality is too strong, or I'm just too crazy.
Nappeal Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 I boozed and partied it up. That's how we met, and that's what kept us together...until I got knocked up. Now he's just boozin and partying it up, but w seedy chicks in short skirts w no panties on, just the way he likes em lol. I waitressed @ several 'gentlemen's establishments' before I met my now x, which he always thru in my face, but I liked the work. I loved socializing, making decent money, and getting free drinks. That all ended so that I could spend that free time w him. Now, once I have this baby, I plan on taking bartending courses so I can enjoy the nightlife that I like so much...and get paid for it. My life doesn't end because he left...it just keeps on going.
Nappeal Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 And I do agree that relationships can help mold you...the things that happen during the course of the relationship and how the other person treats you can make you a better, or worse, person. I was w my ex-husband for 8 yrs...I was 15 when we met and 23 when we divorced. I was obviously young and clueless, but throughout the marriage, I went from a young and dumb child to a grown woman. Because of him, I HAD to learn responsibility. I learned from him what I won't tolerate from others and where my boundries were. I learned how to pay bills while having a good time. I learned true love, right before I learned true heartbreak - I suffered for a year of mad sadness, and had another year of pure anger and bitterness for him after that. Now, I've learned true acceptance and happiness for another. He's getting married this weekend...I have some bitterness, but I'm happy for him. He is like a very good friend to me; hell, I've turned to him this entire break up w now exBF, and he's been insightful and supportive. Those things mold you into who you are today; those lessons make you the person you are now. Relationships can have a profound impact you the 'you' you are today.
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