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your couple agreement on going out with friend of the opposite sex

fazz

By fazz
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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Clep Established Member

Clep

Posted
Posted
OP, here's an example of how opposite sex friendships can be healthy and beneficial. Encourage your SO (and your brotherly male friends) to get to know each other and those friends can become active supporters of your relationship. If one were to rise to groomsman or best man status, that would be spectacular. A great asset. For you, get to know his female friends. If your relationship lasts, you'll integrate your circles of friends and socialize *together* as well as separately. Get started today :)

 

My brotherly male friends can't be my friends if they aren't supporters of my relationship. My SO doesn't have female friends. He doesn't feel a need for them, but should he gain any it is my honor to treat his friends male or female with the respect they and he deserves. If one of them was to cross a line, he would let them know.

 

Our relationship has been ten years, but we did split twice in that time, hence my ex. :)

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

Clep, I was talking to the OP and using your excellent example to illustrate a healthy path. Best wishes with your nuptials :)

Clep Established Member

Clep

Posted
Posted
OP, here's an example of how opposite sex friendships can be healthy and beneficial. Encourage your SO (and your brotherly male friends) to get to know each other and those friends can become active supporters of your relationship. If one were to rise to groomsman or best man status, that would be spectacular. A great asset. For you, get to know his female friends. If your relationship lasts, you'll integrate your circles of friends and socialize *together* as well as separately. Get started today :)

 

Just noticed you were talking to OP here. I thought you were providing me with advice for a lasting relationship. I'll be fine. :laugh:

Dexter Morgan Established Member

Dexter Morgan

Posted
Posted
HI all!

 

Im curious how's your arrangement with your SO if they want to go out with a friend ( so only two of them) of the opposite sex, while you are not there ( ex : out of town etc).

 

My SO and I have a different social circle. While all my guy friends are like brothers, his female friends are a bit promiscuous ( maybe because of the age difference, im 26 he is 48).

 

I'm trying to understand how's other deal with this issue and many thanks ;)

 

oh come on now. be honest, you like going out with male friends, but you are uncomfortable with him doing it based on your perception of them being "promiscuous".

 

If you think your male friends wouldn't like to bone the hell out of you, you are being naive. (unless they are gay)

 

and your male friends can fill all the physical needs your bf can, so if you have a problem with him and his female friends, then he should have a problem with you and male friends.

 

In my opinion, nothing wrong with having opposite sex friends. I have them. But I don't hang out with them alone, especially if I am in a committed relationship.

LisaLee Established Member

LisaLee

Posted
Posted
We don't have an agreement, but and understanding based upon the value system we both share.

 

We are not big on friends of the opposite sex. We don't have many and the ones we do have a friends with both of us. I have two male friends and I talk with them on the phone and rarely see them without my SO there. They call him up as well. I only have two male friends as there were only two that were truly interested in friendship with me as opposed to waiting around for my SO and I to split.

 

My SO does not have any female friends. He has nothing in common to talk with them about and doesn't see any reason for them.

 

We prefer other couples as friends, and I hang with her while he hangs with him.

 

Going out of town with a friend of the opposite sex is not something we feel that is right for the type of relationship we desire. That wouldn't happen.

 

I am not worried about other women and what they are doing. My SO is the one in control of himself. He wouldn't hang out with anyone that is promiscuous though either.

 

We both have freedom to have any friends we want. We also only choose people in our lives that are respectful of our relationship, and would get rid of someone that wasn't of our own accord.

 

This is the post that is the closest to my situation. I have a rule for myself that while male friends are fine to have they are best kept at arm's length.

 

I believe our unspoken rule is that we don't hang out with them alone. I honestly don't have a desire to hang out with my male friends alone. My boyfriend has only one female friend, and he has never (and would never) hang out with her alone. Nothing to do with trust issues, but mostly our lack of desire. Usually if I want to hang out with any male friend alone it is him, and vice versa.

New_Life08 Established Member

New_Life08

Posted
Posted

Ours is you don't hang out with "friends" you would consider dating if we were not together.

Eeyore79 Established Member

Eeyore79

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Posted
I don't see how their trustworthiness is relevant. Surely it's his trustworthiness that is important?

 

If he wasn't trustworthy I wouldn't be dating him in the first place. But even if he is trustworthy, I still don't want him hanging out with some little slut who's going to try it on. His friends have to be decent people who respect our relationship, otherwise I'm not comfortable with the friendship.

Eeyore79 Established Member

Eeyore79

Posted
Posted
What would end it for me is a partner who EVER suggested that I drop any friend, to whom I have prior bonds of loyalty. Anyone who deliberately puts me in a position of choosing them or someone/something I care about will lose that ultimatum every time, because they don't have my interests at heart.

 

Okay, well what if that friend was an ex...would you expect your partner to feel comfortable about you hanging out with your ex, simply because you used to do so before the relationship began?

 

To me it seems perfectly reasonable to ask your partner to stop seeing an ex, or to stop seeing any friend who isn't supportive of the relationship. I'd be interested to know how other people feel about the matter.

Clep Established Member

Clep

Posted
Posted

 

To me it seems perfectly reasonable to ask your partner to stop seeing an ex, or to stop seeing any friend who isn't supportive of the relationship. I'd be interested to know how other people feel about the matter.

 

I don't think my partner should have to ask me. If one of my friends isn't supportive of the relationship I should be taking care of that without any prompting from my bf.

 

If I am not doing that, they are put in a poor position. If I actually had to ask I am altered to the fact that they may have fear of being controlled for a reason completely unrelated to me. Either that or they just want their cake and eat it too, don't really care about me or just have loose boundaries.

New_Life08 Established Member

New_Life08

Posted
Posted
This is the post that is the closest to my situation. I have a rule for myself that while male friends are fine to have they are best kept at arm's length.

 

I believe our unspoken rule is that we don't hang out with them alone. I honestly don't have a desire to hang out with my male friends alone. My boyfriend has only one female friend, and he has never (and would never) hang out with her alone. Nothing to do with trust issues, but mostly our lack of desire. Usually if I want to hang out with any male friend alone it is him, and vice versa.

 

I agree with this. I would not feel comfortable going out alone with a guy friend without my guy along. Probably because I know I wouldn't like it. These friendships can so easily turn into something inappropriate and cause problems. It depends on the situation of course, and some couples are very open-minded about this but it is not often that there is a healthy balance.

 

It should not be someone you would date if you were not with your partner. That's just asking for trouble. The friend should be a friend to the relationship, meaning when they call they will talk to you about the anything they would talk to your partner about. In fact a sincere friend (who doesn't have a hidden agenda) will go out of his or her way to befriend the friend's partner because it is the considerate thing to do. People who hide in the shadows sending private messages to only the friend as if the partner doesn't exist isn't a very good friend at all.

 

Someone mentioned the "loyalty" to the friend. Yes, of course there is but not to the detriment of loyalty to your partner. Then you are talking about an emotional affair. It is just natural human behavior to have more loyalty to your partner. If it doesn't come natural to feel this way, then there's a big problem. Of course this is just my opinion.

New_Life08 Established Member

New_Life08

Posted
Posted
Okay, well what if that friend was an ex...would you expect your partner to feel comfortable about you hanging out with your ex, simply because you used to do so before the relationship began?

 

To me it seems perfectly reasonable to ask your partner to stop seeing an ex, or to stop seeing any friend who isn't supportive of the relationship. I'd be interested to know how other people feel about the matter.

 

Yeah, I am all about cutting the cord. I don't get into hanging out with the ex. Whenever my bf's ex is around she treats him as if they are still married. It is awkward and I think we have enough friends, we don't really need to hang with mine or his ex. :o

flying Established Member

flying

Posted
Posted

BF and I have both hung out with friends of the opposite sex. I just think the key is transparency - I've met these friends of his, he's met mine, we've hung out in groups before as well as one-on-one, we always tell each other what we're doing ahead of time, etc. There's nothing to hide, so it's cool. I don't feel weird "pings" about anybody, because he's very open about who they are and I know them myself.

 

The only time I ever got upset was several years ago, when his ex-GF - who even he admitted still carried a torch for him - wanted to go out to dinner from time to time, one-on-one, as "friends." I thought that was inappropriate and unfair to everyone involved, especially because I did see her at larger group events and she didn't really want to talk to me. So I said I just wasn't going to be cool with him hanging out with her one-on-one.

 

At first he thought I was being unreasonable, but he did cut that tie. After talking about the situation some more he began to see my point, though, thank goodness.

 

So I don't think it's a problem in principle, I just think it depends on the situation.

InceptorsRule Established Member

InceptorsRule

Posted
Posted

Heterosexual guys who want to hang out with females who are not their SO's ALWAYS have ulterior motives. ALWAYS.

 

Generally speaking, heterosexual women who want to hang out with males who are not their SO's ALWAYS have ulterior motives. ALWAYS.

 

Although the respective ulterior motives aren't exactly the same. The men are primarily thinking about sex, the women are primarily keeping the lines open to the possibility of a new relationship, or perhaps just getting ego-gratification knowing that their "guy friends" want to have sex with them.

 

This whole line of discussion is amusing because it is so false and disingenuous.

 

If a person is in a serious, adult relationship, there's precious little time to be hanging out with friends of the opposite sex in the SO's absence.

 

Presumably you're working full time at a job--if not you should be looking. Your "down time" is devoted to personal maintenance, to your SO, and to maintaining your primary relationship.

 

Where do all you people have all this time to be out socializing/partying/whatever with all these opposite-sex "friends"? What kind of effin' nonsense is that, really? Do you REALLY SINCERELY need to be AWAY and APART from your SO in order to socialize?

 

Yes I can understand once in a blue moon. But as a regular deal? C'mon people grow up.

John Bigboote Established Member

John Bigboote

Posted
Posted
Okay, well what if that friend was an ex...would you expect your partner to feel comfortable about you hanging out with your ex, simply because you used to do so before the relationship began?

 

Absolutely. And conversely, I would trust her just as much. If they're on friendly terms, then there is no reason why not. Either I trust her or I don't. I don't need to trust her when it comes to gay men, men she thinks are ugly, or men that have no interest in her. The entire point of trusting someone is to trust them when something *could* potentially happen. Otherwise, it isn't really trust at all, is it?

 

In fact, this isn't hypothtical: my current partner's two best friends are both her exes, one her ex-husband. She can hang out with them as often as she likes, as far as I'm concerned. Anything less would be controlling and cruel of me.

 

I'm also going to point out that this opposite-sex friend restriction leads to the logical absurdity that bisexuals in relationships shouldn't be allowed any friends.

 

 

 

To me it seems perfectly reasonable to ask your partner to stop seeing an ex, or to stop seeing any friend who isn't supportive of the relationship. I'd be interested to know how other people feel about the matter.

 

To me, it seems insecure and jealous to ask your partner to betray any trust. Determining whom your partner can and cannot see is the very definition of controlling. If you hate the friend so much, and your partner considers the friendship important and valuable, the relationship is not for you.

 

Love is a giving, not a taking emotion. If I feel the urge to take something important away from someone simply because I feel threatened, then it's selfishness, not love, that I'm feeling for that person at that moment.

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