your couple agreement on going out with friend of the opposite sex

August 20, 2010

HI all!

Im curious how's your arrangement with your SO if they want to go out with a friend ( so only two of them) of the opposite sex, while you are not there ( ex : out of town etc).

My SO and I have a different social circle. While all my guy friends are like brothers, his female friends are a bit promiscuous ( maybe because of the age difference, im 26 he is 48).

I'm trying to understand how's other deal with this issue and many thanks

August 20, 2010

All I can tell you is my experience.

I never had a problem with my wife doing as you describe because I trusted her.

One day she cheated on me.

From now on I will not be so permissive. I don't think it's right.

August 20, 2010

I personally would view it with suspicion, not refuse or rant, just remain calm and keep a weather eye on the situation.

I find it a little odd that ALL your male friends are above reproach and ALL his female friends are

a bit promiscuous

That seems statistically unlikely, not impossible, but unlikely. I find it odd that you cite age as an indicator of 'something' here.

I would not go out with a female friend if I am in a R. End of story. As I said I would find it suspicious if my SO wanted to, especially if it only ever happened if I was 'out of town'.

Edited August 20, 2010 by witabix
Tidying up

August 20, 2010

I don't have a problem with my bf having female friends, as long as they seem trustworthy and are perhaps in a relationship of their own or whatever, and as long as he's not going out with them all the time. However I would draw the line if the "female friend" is actually his ex - imo it's incredibly disrespectful to your gf if you keep going out with your ex.

August 20, 2010

I don't have a problem with my bf having female friends, as long as they seem trustworthy

I don't see how their trustworthiness is relevant. Surely it's his trustworthiness that is important? They could be complete slappers but if he is trustworthy then nothing will happen. They could be in a committed relationship but if he is not trustworthy then you've got problems.

August 20, 2010

I don't have a problem with my bf having female friends, as long as they seem trustworthy

I don't see how their trustworthiness is relevant. Surely it's his trustworthiness that is important? They could be complete slappers but if he is trustworthy then nothing will happen. They could be in a committed relationship but if he is not trustworthy then you've got problems.

August 20, 2010

witabix: because those guys who happen to hang out with me are only those who are like brothers. those who doesn't are unlikely to go out with me as in two of us only because i dont really going out in private with ppl I don't really friend with. As in his friend, i don't mean all sorry was wording issue i guess. but his friend are tend to be more promiscuous , yes. but not all. thanks for reply!

eeyore: nice ... thanks for reply too

August 20, 2010

I don't have a problem with my bf having female friends, as long as they seem trustworthy and are perhaps in a relationship of their own or whatever, and as long as he's not going out with them all the time. However I would draw the line if the "female friend" is actually his ex - imo it's incredibly disrespectful to your gf if you keep going out with your ex.

Just change the genders. I agree.

Fazz, we've had the 'Can men and women be friends' thread quite a few time on here. Maybe for some further 'research' you could look them up? If you want.

August 20, 2010

and by the way do you have agreement in that? like what? I'm thinking of something like passing invitation to me as well if he got an invitation esp from a female friend in private...

August 20, 2010

and by the way do you have agreement in that? like what? I'm thinking of something like passing invitation to me as well if he got an invitation esp from a female friend in private...

I don't have a partner at the moment, so no agreement.

But private invitations, as in made to one partner only, should definitely be transparent to the other.

I doubt I would necessarily feel that this would have to be stated as an 'agreement' though. It seems self evident to me.

If there are private invitations that are being acted upon I would consider this a big red flag.

August 20, 2010

I'm completely fine with my H spending time with female friends alone, although most of the time he chooses not to. My ex also spent occasional time with his ex while he was with me, I didn't mind it in that particular case because I knew they were totally over each other romantically, but they worked together on and off producing music.

When I'm in a relationship, I generally give my partner complete trust unless I get clear indications that I shouldn't.

On the invitations issue, agree with witabix on full transparency.

August 20, 2010

I doubt I would necessarily feel that this would have to be stated as an 'agreement' though. It seems self evident to me.

i totally agree!!! i wonder why some ppl does not understand this!!

August 20, 2010

i totally agree!!! i wonder why some ppl does not understand this!!

Fazz, they do understand it, slap me for being cynical but...

'He's only a friend, I thought I didn't need to say anything.'

That would end it for me, everyone knows that it is not cool, those that 'pretend' they don't know are fibbing, it is a 'liar, liar, pants on fire' situation.

Call the fire brigade.

August 20, 2010

My SO and I have a different social circle. While all my guy friends are like brothers, his female friends are a bit promiscuous ( maybe because of the age difference, im 26 he is 48).

Since you and SO apparently find common ground, irrespective of your age difference, there's no reason why your social circles can't overlap when you engage them as a *couple*. I would imagine your 'brothers' and his 'promiscuous' female friends actually have romantic lives somewhere closer to the middle of the range. I presume your male friends aren't monks.

My agreement would be and was, when I was married, that friends of my wife's were friends (socially at least) of mine. We did things with them *together* as well as separately. Two-way street. Any true friend is a supporter of the relationship and/or marriage.

Good luck

August 20, 2010

We don't have an agreement, but and understanding based upon the value system we both share.

We are not big on friends of the opposite sex. We don't have many and the ones we do have a friends with both of us. I have two male friends and I talk with them on the phone and rarely see them without my SO there. They call him up as well. I only have two male friends as there were only two that were truly interested in friendship with me as opposed to waiting around for my SO and I to split.

My SO does not have any female friends. He has nothing in common to talk with them about and doesn't see any reason for them.

We prefer other couples as friends, and I hang with her while he hangs with him.

Going out of town with a friend of the opposite sex is not something we feel that is right for the type of relationship we desire. That wouldn't happen.

I am not worried about other women and what they are doing. My SO is the one in control of himself. He wouldn't hang out with anyone that is promiscuous though either.

We both have freedom to have any friends we want. We also only choose people in our lives that are respectful of our relationship, and would get rid of someone that wasn't of our own accord.

August 20, 2010

Real friends are easy to spot. They won't be exes, your SO will want you to meet them and befriend them also, and efforts to get everyone together won't always get derailed inexplicably somehow. I call these "friends of the relationship." Once someone has that status, no problem at all with them being alone together. Before that point? No. Simple.

Cuts through lots of bogus attention sources described innocuously as "friends."

August 20, 2010

I would not go out with a female friend if I am in a R. End of story. As I said I would find it suspicious if my SO wanted to, especially if it only ever happened if I was 'out of town'.

Then you're a betrayer of friendship. Friendship is a bond, perhaps not as strong a bond as a marriage, but a bond nonetheless. It's certainly supposed to be stronger than the bond between you and, for instance, someone you've just started dating or having a relationship with. Loyalty is part of that. Girlfriends come and go, but a real friend is forever.

On the one hand, I can't count the number of heartbreaks I've had when people I've thought were opposite-gender friends, and in whom I've invested time, effort, and loyalty, have shown their true colors by dropping me as soon as they get into a relationship. That's painful for me, and if they can't be loyal to, or stand up for, a friend, then how are they going to remain loyal to a boyfriend/husband?

On the other hand, dating relationships aren't forever. By burning your bridges, you're ensuring that you have no support structure left when the relationship ends.

'He's only a friend, I thought I didn't need to say anything.'

That would end it for me, everyone knows that it is not cool, those that 'pretend' they don't know are fibbing, it is a 'liar, liar, pants on fire' situation.

Call the fire brigade.

Bull****. You (and the "everyone" you're referring to) are just making up rules to gloss over the real problem, which is your insecurity. In no other walk of life do we consider it honorable and obligatory to protect a personality flaw like insecurity and jealousy. I don't consider it honorable here.

What would end it for me is a partner who EVER suggested that I drop any friend, to whom I have prior bonds of loyalty. Anyone who deliberately puts me in a position of choosing them or someone/something I care about will lose that ultimatum every time, because they don't have my interests at heart.

Nor would I ever be so unfeeling as to expect that my partner should drop her friends, male or female, ex or not, with whom she's shared important pieces of her life, just because she's with me. If she were to do it on her own, I would take that as an indicator that she didn't take those bonds of loyalty seriously, and probably couldn't be loyal to me either.

Edited August 20, 2010 by John Bigboote

August 20, 2010

Then you're a betrayer of friendship. Friendship is a bond, perhaps not as strong a bond as a marriage, but a bond nonetheless. It's certainly supposed to be stronger than the bond between you and, for instance, someone you've just started dating or having a relationship with. Loyalty is part of that. Girlfriends come and go, but a real friend is forever.

Nor would I ever be so unfeeling as to expect that my partner should drop her friends, male or female, ex or not, with whom she's shared important pieces of her life, just because she's with me. If she were to do it on her own, I would take that as an indicator that she didn't take those bonds of loyalty seriously, and probably couldn't be loyal to me either.

I am curious as to what point in time does a shift happen for you where your gf becomes number one and your friends number two.....or does that happen?

I see what you are saying about not expecting anyone to end a friendship because someone else thinks they should.

Another take on the part I put in bold though. I had a male friend that was a close friend for about four years. I got together with my now SO and the friend was rejecting of my bf. He was pressuring me in a subtle way to stop dating my SO. I ended our friendship after stating my boundaries and having him consistently step over them. My bf knew there was some strain, but I didn't get into detail about it. I did take my bonds of loyalty seriously, loyalty to myself and my own happiness. My "friend" was not respectful of my choices even if he didn't agree. I didn't end the friendship because of my bf, he was just the catalyst that allowed me to see I did not feel comfortable with the friend any longer.

Just another take on things.

August 20, 2010

Then you're a betrayer of friendship. Friendship is a bond, perhaps not as strong a bond as a marriage, but a bond nonetheless. It's certainly supposed to be stronger than the bond between you and, for instance, someone you've just started dating or having a relationship with. Loyalty is part of that. Girlfriends come and go, but a real friend is forever.

Girlfriend vs real friend? Thats confusing...

On the one hand, I can't count the number of heartbreaks I've had when people I've thought were opposite-gender friends, and in whom I've invested time, effort, and loyalty, have shown their true colors by dropping me as soon as they get into a relationship. That's painful for me, and if they can't be loyal to, or stand up for, a friend, then how are they going to remain loyal to a boyfriend/husband?

Who said anything about dropping friends?

On the other hand, dating relationships aren't forever. By burning your bridges, you're ensuring that you have no support structure left when the relationship ends.

Of course you have a support structure, where did I suggest that you isolate yourself from the rest of humanity?

Bull****. You (and the "everyone" you're referring to) are just making up rules to gloss over the real problem, which is your insecurity. In no other walk of life do we consider it honorable and obligatory to protect a personality flaw like insecurity and jealousy. I don't consider it honorable here.

This is just a pointless personal attack. It is clear that your morality/ethics, call it what you will differ from mine. You believe in open relationships, thats ok. Why attack me for my attitude to hidden contacts between an SO and a friend of the opposite sex.

Nor would I ever be so unfeeling as to expect that my partner should drop her friends, male or female, ex or not, with whom she's shared important pieces of her life, just because she's with me. If she were to do it on her own, I would take that as an indicator that she didn't take those bonds of loyalty seriously, and probably couldn't be loyal to me either.

So you expect your SO to remain in contact, again thats ok for you, because you require to remain in contact with your female friends to exercise your desire for non monogamous relationships. Do I attack you for your views? No, you live your life the way that fulfills you and I will do the same.

August 20, 2010

Real friends are easy to spot. They won't be exes, your SO will want you to meet them and befriend them also, and efforts to get everyone together won't always get derailed inexplicably somehow. I call these "friends of the relationship." Once someone has that status, no problem at all with them being alone together. Before that point? No. Simple.

Cuts through lots of bogus attention sources described innocuously as "friends."

One of my two male friends is an ex. My SO and I are both close to him. We all hang out together and plans don't get derailed. He will be standing up for us at our wedding.

August 20, 2010

Real friends are easy to spot. They won't be exes, your SO will want you to meet them and befriend them also, and efforts to get everyone together won't always get derailed inexplicably somehow. I call these "friends of the relationship." Once someone has that status, no problem at all with them being alone together. Before that point? No. Simple.

Exactly.

There tends to be initial caution because many people have been cheated on with a 'friend' (often times the friend who is an ex). In some cases, it's a justifiable insecurity; in others it's not (as is the case with exes who have emotionally moved on). There needs to be compatible views about the healthy boundaries of friendship.

It's one thing to be controlling without evidence of suspicious or secretive behavior about friends...it's another to question any friend who makes no effort to socialize with both people in the relationship or chooses to cross boundaries of that friendship (flirting, cuddling, spending most of their time alone together.)

August 20, 2010

One of my two male friends is an ex. My SO and I are both close to him. We all hang out together and plans don't get derailed. He will be standing up for us at our wedding.

OP, here's an example of how opposite sex friendships can be healthy and beneficial. Encourage your SO (and your brotherly male friends) to get to know each other and those friends can become active supporters of your relationship. If one were to rise to groomsman or best man status, that would be spectacular. A great asset. For you, get to know his female friends. If your relationship lasts, you'll integrate your circles of friends and socialize *together* as well as separately. Get started today

August 20, 2010

I have a male friend who loves doing karaoke, as do I. We go out often without my sweety, but not because he's not invited. He is ALWAYS invited. He just sometimes doesn't feel like going.

If he wants to do the same, fine. But if I am NOT invited, I would NOT like that and it wouldn't be happening or we'd be through.

August 20, 2010

Who said anything about dropping friends?

You did: "I would not go out with a female friend if I am in a R. End of story."

Of course you have a support structure, where did I suggest that you isolate yourself from the rest of humanity?

This is just a pointless personal attack. It is clear that your morality/ethics, call it what you will differ from mine. You believe in open relationships, thats ok. Why attack me for my attitude to hidden contacts between an SO and a friend of the opposite sex.

I apologize; looking back at your posts I think I misunderstood you. At that point, you were, in fact, referring to hidden contacts, and I thought you were referring to ANY contact. It's too early in the morning.

But I think that was because the OP is referring to transparent contact, where both parties do know what's going on with the other one, and you still consider it suspicious. Why?? Trust is implicit in any relationship; monogamy has nothing to do with it. If you can't trust your SO enough to comfortably "let" them be alone with a friend of opposite gender, you're probably not in the right relationship.

No, you live your life the way that fulfills you and I will do the same.

Sounds good.

August 20, 2010

You did: "I would not go out with a female friend if I am in a R. End of story."

Ok, I think this is a colloquialism issue. Over here to 'go out with' someone carries a different implication. I would meet my female friends for a coffee or a beer.

At that point, you were, in fact, referring to hidden contacts, and I thought you were referring to ANY contact. It's too early in the morning.

Yes, only hidden contacts. Early morning, hmm, I remember them, don't do them anymore.

But I think that was because the OP is referring to transparent contact, where both parties do know what's going on with the other one, and you still consider it suspicious. Why??

A learned behaviour perhaps, I realise it seems odd to some people. But you know the old saying once bitten, twice bitten, three times bitten, for Christs sake stop BITING me! Or as the former leader of the free world, George Dubya, put it 'There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again'

Trust is implicit in any relationship; monogamy has nothing to do with it. If you can't trust your SO enough to comfortably "let" them be alone with a friend of opposite gender, you're probably not in the right relationship.

I agree completely.

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your couple agreement on going out with friend of the opposite sex

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