Stuck waiting for a change

[SoMovinOn]

I just need to talk to someone, but there is no one I can talk to. Not looking for answers, just need to talk.

 

Mine is a similar story to many others. Reconnected with an old flame, someone I have held in my heart for 30 years. She did the same. We're back together and it's awesome. She's married. I'm married but on the way out (was before old flame showed up again).

 

MOW and I can only safely manage to get together at lunch time about once per week, maybe twice. Started as an EA, knew it would get physical, but taking our time. She's struggled with it - stay faithful to her marriage, or give in. At this point, there is some physical contact, but... (trying to thing how to explain this) ... nothing we'd need to get undressed for.

 

Both of us know this is the wrong way to do it.

 

On my end, my FWW and I had agreed to split. Due to finances, we agreed to live together and each do our own thing. There were awkward moments with each of us dating, and still maintaining our relationship with each other (we never disliked each other). She started therapy. She seems to lean towards the idea she and I will stay together if she gets better. But, I know she is still lying, playing games... I know the way she acts and what she says is not quite genuine. Yet, she has come to view my G/F as being in the way of a possible reconciliation (although, I have zero desire to reconcile with her - that passed a while ago). At the same time, she's OK with spending the weekend at her B/F house. It's a screwed up situation and we really just need to get away from each other. Or, at least, I really need to get away from her. But, realistically, that's not going to happen for quite some time.

 

MOW... she has some issues with her spouse. I suspect that was at least part of her motivation for looking me up. He is verbally abusive, and getting worse. Flips out, screams and rants at her over really insignificant and stupid things. She told him she can't take it anymore and suggested he a minor split - him getting a room at an extended stay hotel for a while. He told her he'd never split with her, never let her go.

 

We each now feel very "wrong" with our spouses, our home life. We feel very "right" and "normal" only when we are together.

 

It doesn't seem there is a good answer here, or any possible good outcome. It seems the only way she could ever hope to get away from him would be to run away and hide... but who wants to do that forever?

 

I suggested we just leave it alone, stay away from each other, but she's not willing to consider that option, and I really don't like it either.

 

Anything you might think to say, I've probably already run it through my head a thousand times or more. Feel free to say it anyway, you never know.

[jennie-jennie]

Just want to say, I know that rekindled love, it is a very strong, powerful force. We too reconnected after 30+ years.

[skywriter]

SoMovingON,

 

What a quandry you've found yourself to be in. Sounds like it is emotionally draining to actually move on.

 

In fact I'd think you've already realised that neither yourself or your W can actually move on until one or both of you move out.

 

Best wishes to you...

[witabix]

You have to get out that house, your current wife's issues are not yours to fix. Get out and start a new life.

 

Your OW should deal with her marital situation, properly, no running and hiding. Stand up to him and say she is leaving, if that what she wants to do, finally and properly.

 

Stop letting these emotional vampires drain the life out of each of you, if that is what happening. It sounds like it to me.

 

I have experienced a R where my SO and her ex had this poisonous leftover from what they had. I offered to stop him being a nuisance to our lives, she refused to let me.

 

It killed the R in the end. Stand up to these tyrants of the heart, cowards. He'll never let go, I've heard that before, she should MAKE him, its not his choice. He's acting like he owns her. He doesn't.

 

Your wife's double standards amaze me, but I bet its not uncommon. Get out, leave her to her own life of half truths and emotional blackmail.

[U2RockZz]

"she has some issues with her spouse. I suspect that was at least part of her motivation for looking me up. He is verbally abusive, and getting worse. Flips out, screams and rants at her over really insignificant and stupid things."

 

oh,oh....did you really know whether he is abusive or not.......anyways your own W has cheated on you not once but multiple times .....what was the issue there..... were you abusive....????....

 

"She's married, not entirely unhappily. I won't have an affair with her. She wouldn't either. I wouldn't want her husband to go through what I've been through. I wouldn't want her to earn that label."

 

"She has her own issues.In many ways, not so different from my STBXW. I always seem to pick the crazies."

 

was this s*** written by you....now what happened....were you on drugs then

[bentnotbroken]

I am unclear as to why you are stuck?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

MOW's BH doesn't sound like a man you want to piss off. What happens when he finds out? You know that he has anger issues and acts before he thinks. Are you putting yourself and your family in a dangerous position? Not to mention what he might do to her if he finds out. Would you not be partially responsible for the outcome of that too, going into it knowing the issues he has?

[witabix]

MOW's BH doesn't sound like a man you want to piss off. What happens when he finds out? You know that he has anger issues and acts before he thinks. Are you putting yourself and your family in a dangerous position? Not to mention what he might do to her if he finds out. Would you not be partially responsible for the outcome of that too, going into it knowing the issues he has?

 

I completely get what you are saying here, but that is precisely what these people rely on to maintain their tyrannical grip, fear.

 

It may or may not be the case here.

 

Men who are abusive to their wives/women/children are cowards.

[bentnotbroken]

I completely get what you are saying here, but that is precisely what these people rely on to maintain their tyrannical grip, fear.

 

It may or may not be the case here.

 

Men who are abusive to their wives/women/children are cowards.

 

 

So are the women who abusive.

[witabix]

So are the women who abusive.

 

Indeed, perhaps I should have said...

 

People who abuse their partners/children are cowards.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Men who are abusive to their wives/women/children are cowards.

 

I agree, but they are also unstable, and if she is living with an unstable man who finds out about an affair then she could be hurt. Rage is a scary thing, especially in someone who is unstable.

[jwi71]

What's the question again?

[SoMovinOn]

....did you really know whether he is abusive or not....

 

No. But I have no reason to believe she would lie to me about it.

 

 

anyways your own W has cheated on you not once but multiple times .....what was the issue there..... were you abusive....????....

 

Not at all. I believe the issue was that she's f*cked in the head.

 

"She's married, not entirely unhappily. I won't have an affair with her. She wouldn't either. I wouldn't want her husband to go through what I've been through. I wouldn't want her to earn that label."

 

"She has her own issues.In many ways, not so different from my STBXW. I always seem to pick the crazies."

 

was this s*** written by you....now what happened....were you on drugs then

 

Yes. That was me. I said what I believed then. Time has passed. Things have changed. How I think and feel has changed.

[SoMovinOn]

I am unclear as to why you are stuck?

 

Stuck with my STBXW because she cannot afford to move out on her own, and I cannot afford to pay two mortgages (or a mortgage and rent... whatever).

 

Stuck in my relationship with the MOW because neither of us is willing to let it go, and it doesn't seem either of us is going to get out of our current marriage any time soon.

 

That leaves us "stuck" with what was my least favorite option from the beginning - that we'll end up having a long term affair, although I knew in some part of me, that's where we were going from start.

 

 

Do I worry about how her BH will react? Of course I do. I am certain the longer she and I carry on our relationship, no matter how cautious we think we are, he WILL find out one day.

 

I worry for her. He does not seem to be stable, and seems to be getting worse. He is, for now, only verbally abusive, with no hint he'd move to physical abuse. ... but then, everyone starts somewhere. I, obviously, would not be there to protect her should he turn physical. At best, I could deal with getting her out of there and dealing with him after the fact. Not something I ever want to happen.

 

The flip side of that is he doesn't need to find out about her and me to go there. He's already tripping over stupid, trivial, idiotic stuff. Having been in an abusive relationship before (that one physical), I'd think she'd know to get out of there sooner rather than later - for herself, with no regard for me or our relationship.

 

Do I worry about him flipping out on me? No. I take care of myself pretty well. I am certainly not invincible, but, I've found myself in life threatening situations in the past and managed to figure out the best way to walk away from it each time. I suppose, one time I will not. However, of all the dangerous things I do in my life, potentially pissing this guy off is way at the bottom of the list of likely ways I'd ever come to actual harm.

 

 

What was the question? No question... I'm just in a really screwed up situation. It'd difficult to deal with at times. Other times, I do fine with it. I am unwilling to do the "right" things to fix this. Sometimes I need to talk things through. For the most part though, I just go with it, get through each day, see what happens with who, and figure it will all shake out somewhere down the line.

[witabix]

...........What was the question? No question... I'm just in a really screwed up situation. It'd difficult to deal with at times. Other times, I do fine with it. I am unwilling to do the "right" things to fix this. Sometimes I need to talk things through. For the most part though, I just go with it, get through each day, see what happens with who, and figure it will all shake out somewhere down the line.

 

It will shake out itself somewhere down the line. Things always do. My question to you is how much control you are wiling to take to steer events in the direction you want them to go. Just hanging on for dear life and letting the storm blow you along is a tactic, but it leaves it all up to chance and the prevailing winds. Are you happy to be a passenger in your life.

 

Letting financial worries, which I know are real, dominate your decisions is only valid if you are making headway towards a final point. You seem to be hoping for the best.

 

Why is it not possible for you separate, agree on maintenance, if that is the case, and let your STBXW get along on her own. Your responsibility for her living conditions are finished. You never had any responsibility for your OW's living conditions, that is her life and her set of choices, she has to get along with it.

 

You will not be able to do anything for your OW whilst you continue to live in this situation.

[Capris]

You truely are on a messed up situation. I really wish you will get out of it soon!

From my easy position of reading your life on a forum the thing that hits me and ,well, what i would try to fix first is your M.

I know how hard money can be. Are we talking bout food money problem or are you unwilling to leave the nice life you two built with 2 incomes?

Is your W just comfortable?How can she not manage living on her own when she has money to go out and money for therapy?

 

Are you both willing to live a more "poor" life in order to be seperatley happy?

All of this is just a matter or what you want and what you are willing to do.

If you are willing to do anything to get out of this M even if it means you living in a 1 room apartment with no heat, than go for it. If the idea of the apartment makes your face frown, then maybe you arent as unhappy as you think you are.

 

I dont want to see the W who cannot live on her own move out one day with another man and live happily with less money then you thought she could manage.

 

Notice i never mentioned the love of your life, the MOW. She has nothing to do with this. You have to be ok with yourself so you can be ok with her. Its such a clise cause its pure truth.

Of course she will support you as you will support her in her tough marriage.

 

Thinking of your situation by another point of view, her M is the really bad one. Your M is somewhat a typical one. Lots of couples i know stay together for the finances, having affairs etc etc..It sucks for both. Her M on the other hand is abusive and you mentioned she was in another abusive relationship before.

What would you advise her to do if she was your sister?... Do so.

She must understand why she preffered abusive men. It will help her run away from him.

 

Im sorry for guessing and assuming, if you felt any "mean" vibe, trust me it has nothing to do with your situation. Most people give advise based on their own expirience, that means they bring some of their feelings over, along with the advise. Always take advise when given but follow only when you filtered it based on your own criteria then take any part of it as your own.

 

I really hope you guys make it and be happy!

Edited August 21, 2010 by Capris

[bentnotbroken]

Stuck with my STBXW because she cannot afford to move out on her own, and I cannot afford to pay two mortgages (or a mortgage and rent... whatever).

 

Stuck in my relationship with the MOW because neither of us is willing to let it go, and it doesn't seem either of us is going to get out of our current marriage any time soon.

 

That leaves us "stuck" with what was my least favorite option from the beginning - that we'll end up having a long term affair, although I knew in some part of me, that's where we were going from start.

 

 

Do I worry about how her BH will react? Of course I do. I am certain the longer she and I carry on our relationship, no matter how cautious we think we are, he WILL find out one day.

 

I worry for her. He does not seem to be stable, and seems to be getting worse. He is, for now, only verbally abusive, with no hint he'd move to physical abuse. ... but then, everyone starts somewhere. I, obviously, would not be there to protect her should he turn physical. At best, I could deal with getting her out of there and dealing with him after the fact. Not something I ever want to happen.

 

The flip side of that is he doesn't need to find out about her and me to go there. He's already tripping over stupid, trivial, idiotic stuff. Having been in an abusive relationship before (that one physical), I'd think she'd know to get out of there sooner rather than later - for herself, with no regard for me or our relationship.

 

Do I worry about him flipping out on me? No. I take care of myself pretty well. I am certainly not invincible, but, I've found myself in life threatening situations in the past and managed to figure out the best way to walk away from it each time. I suppose, one time I will not. However, of all the dangerous things I do in my life, potentially pissing this guy off is way at the bottom of the list of likely ways I'd ever come to actual harm.

 

 

What was the question? No question... I'm just in a really screwed up situation. It'd difficult to deal with at times. Other times, I do fine with it. I am unwilling to do the "right" things to fix this. Sometimes I need to talk things through. For the most part though, I just go with it, get through each day, see what happens with who, and figure it will all shake out somewhere down the line.

 

 

So you really aren't stuck, you are right where you want to be at this time.

[SoMovinOn]

So you really aren't stuck, you are right where you want to be at this time.

 

That is true. There are choices I could make, changes I could make, that I will not make right now. I am stuck in the sense that I feel I cannot make the choices I would like to make. I prefer to let STBXW and MOW do what they want or need to do when they are ready. It leaves me, at times, feeling frustrated.

 

It leaves me with things like what happened tonight. MOW contacted me, told me she thinks I should stay where I am, she should stay where she is, and we should forget the idea that either would change. ... basically, forget about her and I. I told her I am fine with that - I will always respect whatever she feels she needs or wants to do for herself.

 

Tomorrow morning she will call me at about 11:30, ask me where I am, and tell me where she'd like to meet me. When I ask her about tonight, she'll tell me her hormones were going crazy and she got hit with a dose of reality.

 

My STBXW is the same way. She wants to stay. She wants to go. ...

 

 

 

Some of the responses ask about the financial situation...

 

My STBXW has not worked on over 6 years. Without a job, she could not support herself. I could not afford to support her if she or I lived somewhere else (pay for 2 houses/apartments, whatever). Although she has more than earned it, I cannot put her out on the street. I did give her $15,000 in cash to open her own bank account and use for whatever she needs when she does get out. I bought her a new car too (so she has a warranty and doesn't need to worry about transportation). She just started a part time job - just a couple of days per week - and is continuing to look for something full time.

 

Me? I'd load up some camping gear on my bike and live the life of a gypsy. I don't care. The only reason I am staying in this house is because I'd rather not sell it in the current, depressed, market. I'll stay here until the market picks up, sell it, then give her half the profits. I obviously can afford to stay here since I am currently the only one paying all the bills.

 

 

 

MOW/Abusive relationship - what would I tell my sister? ... that's a very cool way to put it. What I would probably tell my sister is - "I don't know what your old man did to piss off those bikers, but I'm sorry he's dead. Too bad none of the witnesses could identify them. What do you plan on doing with all that life insurance money he left you? Wanna go get a pizza or something?" ... or something to that effect.

 

I try to not get involved with MOW's marriage. I have pointed out that she is in an abusive relationship, and pointed her to some resources I know of through a friend who is very involved with that sort of thing.... but I feel she will generally think I'm biased - that I want her out of her marriage - that I am pushing the issue for my own reasons. For the most part, other than some gentle pointers, I leave it up to her to see what there is to see and make her own decisions.