Iconoclast Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 but don't write a plan with you and her together again. She has a drug addiction. No addict will ever bestow joy in your life. All addicts must take care of their addiction, FIRST. You are indeed correct. There is no fixing a relationship while one party is an addict. But, include all possibilities in the plan, however slim the probability is. Having done disaster / recovery planning, you absolutely must, or there is a weakness in your plan.
cyabye Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 There is NOTHING and I mean NOTHING left to save in regards to your marriage. SAVE YOURSELF! Divorce her and find peace. She is way too much drama. Do you want to do this for the rest of your life? Cya
Author LosingitAll Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 Ur advice has been just what I needed so far. Thank u so much. Just went out & got some supplies. I'm about to start planning my future. Its been along time since I cared about myself & what was right for me. I know its going to take time to rebuild & get on with my life. I'm trying to look at each day as one step closer.
Iconoclast Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I'm about to start planning my future. Its been along time since I cared about myself & what was right for me. Perfect! Keep us posted. If you need help, we are here.
Iconoclast Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 BTW...pop around the board and try to help others. It's good for you. Might help to clarify some things in your head.
Author LosingitAll Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 I'll do it. I've looking for good ways to keep busy.
Author LosingitAll Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 I've noticed quite a few things by reading some other post. One thing in particular sticks out that I don't want to happen. That's the fact that by after being hurt this bad I won't be able to open up to anyone or to give full trust I can see myself falling in to this kind of pattern. I wouldn't want to put anyone through anything emotionally draining as what I've been through. Should I seek some type of counseling now? Or are there somethings I can do to stop this from happening? Or should I just focus on getting completely over the monsterous situation I'm in first then worry about the side effects later? Or can I do both at one time?
Author LosingitAll Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 Ok correct me if I'm wrong. She just sent me a message say that my stepson needed money to get a filling for a broke tooth. My responsibilites where over when she told me she hate me with everything in her & she was with someone else & happy right? I almost broke nc but I'm still holding strong.
michaelhopes Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 wow.....she's a real piece of work Stay NC and move on with your life without her....
bestplayer Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Ok correct me if I'm wrong. She just sent me a message say that my stepson needed money to get a filling for a broke tooth. My responsibilites where over when she told me she hate me with everything in her & she was with someone else & happy right? I almost broke nc but I'm still holding strong. Reading from your posts the way she treated you , I think the you should just tell her you have stopped wasting your money on cheap who**s & she needs to start looking for other customers. best of luck
Author LosingitAll Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 Need some help! She has been blowing my phone up all morning. She is sending me messages telling me to grow up & call her so she can figure out what stuff of her & her sons is left. She took all my stuff now wants more. She told me on the phone to keep everything else. Is she just f*cking with me or what? I'm still on nc since fri. Is she just starting stuff because I haven't responded to her? I was doing so good i thought. Now I don't know what to do.
Iconoclast Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Sorry, at work. Tell her to email / text a list of items. I'll be back tonight.
You Go Girl Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Respond that she may have A,B,C,D, etc., of her requests, as soon as she returns W,X,Y,Z, that were yours by law, that she has stolen. You claim she took things of yours. Get them back. Until then, give her NOTHING. By the way, watch out...drug addicts need $ to support their habit and will hock ANYTHING.
Author LosingitAll Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 Ur absolutely right I'm sure my stuff has already been pawned. It was mostly electronics. Either that are the guy she's shacked up with his having a blast with my stuff. Ok I don't know what her angle is now. She just sent me a pic of her son playing building a fort hiding from his cousin. With the caption look how funny he's hiding from her. I still haven't broken nc, I really don't want to. I can't get the image of her & someone else out of my head. It disgust me to no end.
You Go Girl Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Ok I don't know what her angle is now. She just sent me a pic of her son playing building a fort hiding from his cousin. With the caption look how funny he's hiding from her. I still haven't broken nc, I really don't want to. I can't get the image of her & someone else out of my head. It disgust me to no end. Her angle is simple, and very transparent, and a far cry from anything smooth and tough to figure out. She's trying to get to your soft side. Yeah, that's the part of you that likes the little boy. Don't fall for it. She can earn her own 'tooth' money, euphemism for 'drug money'. Don't break NC! You're doing great!
SlevinKalebra Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I might say somethings that you don't want to hear. Please read them and keep them in the back of your mind if you don't agree with them. From the post you wrote I gathered some key points: 1. She's a self medicating bi-polar 2. You were in to drugs but have been sober for 2 yrs 3. You love her son and feel compelled to help him with $ 4. You keep sending her money and it keeps disappearing (most likely for drugs) 5. You have formed an addiction to her 6. You repeatedly play the part of the door mat (I'm sorry for the bluntness, but realize I say this out of a desire to help) 7. This relationship has been mired in extremely unhealthy drama, my guess, from day one. Now put this together. You know the decision to be sober is not an easy one to keep and if the person is not able/willing to stay with the program then there is nothing anyone else can do. A person that does not want to be saved can not be. I can assume you have an addictive personality. This means you can become addicted to anything that changes your mood and/or mental state. This includes emotions and severe drama provides a great rush of natural drugs (adrenaline, dopamine, cortisol etc...). You have formed an addiction to not only her but more her drama which brings about the adrenaline. You decided to stay sober DO NOT GET YOUR FIX FROM THIS SITUATION. Make the decision to cut off contact and stay sober. This is as damaging as any man made drug (I Speak from experience). You need to change your number take down your facebook and every other form of contact immediately. You cannot help her son when you cannot verify that you are helping him and not feeding her addiction. Do you know the address that he is currently at? if so get the authorities involved. If you cut off contact my guess is she will come back because she is trapped in the same addictive relationship type behavior that you are exhibiting. When/if she does DO NOT GET SUCKED IN! DO NOT GET SUCKED IN! DO NOT GET SUCKED IN! you have the opportunity to bring in legal help for her son and to press charges for the items stolen. I was in an emotionally addictive relationship. I feel your pain because I am FINALLY getting my $#!t together. Stand up be strong and recognize everytime you are pulled toward this situation, it is no different than being attracted to the syringe, bottle, pipe. Be proud of your ability to stay sober and take this last step to exit this relationship. YOU DESERVE TO BE 100% sober!
Author LosingitAll Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 SlevinKalebra thank u for ur post. U made a lot of really good point. It helps to get an outsider perspective on things. Really the only thing I don't agree with is the drama part I don't like it & spent most of our relationship avoiding it. I think my addiction was trying to help her & show her I wouldn't leave her or her son like everyone else has. In hind sight I shouldn't have been trying to avoid the drama but instead calling her out on it. Atleast if I had done that it wouldn't have gone on so long. Plus my feelings for her wouldn't have grown so much. In the end though ur absolutely right enough is enough. I cannot be dragged down by her anymore.
Author LosingitAll Posted August 25, 2010 Author Posted August 25, 2010 Nc still going strong. She keeps sending me txt messages though. She just sent one saying her son starts middle school tomorrow. I don't know what she expects of me. Earlier she tells me to grow up & call her so she can take more stuff from the house. Then she sends me the pic of her son. Now telling me he starts school. I mean really she dogged me the f*ck out made a mockery of me & our marriage & now is telling me stuff about my step son. Is she just grasping at straws to try to screw me over more? Has my nc made her feel powerless over me? I just don't get how she thinks she can say what she said to me & that I would want to talk to her. Nc is getting easier & easier all I do is think about what she said to me. I instantly say to myself f*ck her. I hate it for my stepson though he didn't ask for this & me & him had a good bond, I mean we could have spent more time together but he was into his own things. We still had a love for each other & he respected me a lot. I think I did him a lot of good considering how his real dad is. Anyway just thought I would share some updates with u guys. Thank u all for ur support its been a big help & eye opener.
Author LosingitAll Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 Had my mind free clear all day from her. Now she sends me another message something about she found an old check & that if I wanted her to mail it to me or not to let her know. Just another trick to get me to contact her. I wish she would just get the hint I don't have anything to say to her. To just leave me alone & she'll get the divorce papers soon enough. I hate thinking about her it makes me so angry & just disgusted.
You Go Girl Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Had my mind free clear all day from her. Now she sends me another message something about she found an old check & that if I wanted her to mail it to me or not to let her know. Just another trick to get me to contact her. I wish she would just get the hint I don't have anything to say to her. To just leave me alone & she'll get the divorce papers soon enough. I hate thinking about her it makes me so angry & just disgusted. An old check...trying to get to the side of you that wouldn't throw away money? haha The kid starts school--trying to get to you to remind you of him so that you think of him, and start to miss him, and then you will be vulnerable, wanting to see him, and then she can get something out of you. You're doing good! Unless you remember some check of some significant amount, blow her off and ignore it. She's grasping at straws now, but, realize that if you ignore her texts, she's probably going to show up at the door when you get home from work. I can see that as her next move, and she will make sure that she looks and smells good. Don't fall for it. humph!
Author LosingitAll Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 She just called & left a voice message. I didn't want to hear her voice so I let my friend hear it. He told me I should probally listen to it. So I did. she said something about she found one of my old retirement checks & wanted to know what to do with it. If she should mail it to me throw it away or rip it up. I mean really what kind of question is that its a little check mind u not much of anything. But seriously why even ask? Why not just mail it? Sounds to me like she's grasping at anything to get me to call her or respond to her. Maybe I don't know but she sounded a little messed up on the voicemail, maybe she is back on the **** again. I don't know what she is trying to do. I've been thinking a lot about my step son lately. I really miss the little guy I guess that's normal though. Then I thought maybe I should write him but then I thought she would just get the letter & not give it to him so what's the point. Then I thought that might be breaking nc even though its not meant for her. Nc has helped me a lot this week to focus on the bad things about her. But it seems just when I haven't thought about her in a while here she is sending me something. How am I suppose to get her out of my head like this. I would just change my # but that's not an option with my job & she knows this. I hope this gets easier soon.
Dazzel Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 I just wanted to say that I really wish I would have met more guys like you. You sound like an incredibly caring and compassionate person. It's a shame you had to find such a horrible, evil biatch to do this to you. And no offense at that. I know you care about her, but there is some truth about what she is. She's just horrible. And a sweet guy like you deserves someone who is going to return those affections and treat you with respect. I know you want to get those divorce files from her. Is your cellphone the primary means of contact you have with her? Because if I were you, I'd change my number. That way the temptation of responding to her isn't that and she can't bait you anymore and play on your sympathy. That may make it a whole lot easier on you emotionally. I'm sure getting all those insane texts of hers has got to be working on your mind. I know you feel bad for your stepson and miss him, but at this point you just need to think about yourself. Because being involved with him means being involved with her, and that's just going to bring you down. It's incredible of what people are capable of. She sounds like a cold, emotionless, and manipulative person. And plus, she's on drugs. It's vital that you stay away from this. Get your life back together. Work on your credit. Focus on yourself. Along the way, you'll find a new and better love.
Author LosingitAll Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 Dazzel, thank u for ur kind words. Ur right I've always tried to be a loving person in every relationship I've had. This is the 2nd time I've been dogged out the 1st time I was younger & while it did hurt during the break up. I realized quickly that I didn't love her like I thought. This time has been totally different because I do love my wife with all my heart & her son. I fully opened up everything to her & let her in completely. This had been the 1st time I had done that since I was hurt before. Every relationship I had since getting hurt the 1st time I look back on now & realize I had been distant in them never really able to trust the girls I was with. With my wife though I trusted her with everything & she really opened up to me to. I wanted so bad to be different with her then with my ex's. I want to show her that I wouldn't walk out on her like everyone else that had been in her life had. Looking at it now there seems to be good reasons why everyone has left her. She went from being so fun loving, caring, & compassionate. To a horrible low down liar that wants to destroy me & everything I've worked for. I can't find the reasoning why she would want to hurt me so bad. I've never betrayed her or did anything to try & hurt her. I've always tried to provide for her & our family & be totally support of. The only thing I can think of is it made me look weak to her or undesirable. I could be wrong though & her bipolarism might have just gotten worse & went into a wild state. I could speculate at all the possiblities & never find out what really went wrong but one thing remains. She has really hurt me deeply.
Iconoclast Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Because her addiction is her first love. Only she can fix that. You can't. Made a plan I hope, cause this may be just the start,be prepared for the curveballs and headfakes. You're doing well.
Author LosingitAll Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 I have started to make my plan. Started like u said with the 2 possibilities lined out. Its just the parts getting to each one that I've been trying to work on. I know I like the one with her out of my life so much more. I hate the fact that I want be able to see my stepson any more though. I know that her addiction is her number one love. I can't put myself through that anymore. At this point I don't know what I would even say to her. She is so manipulative, so I don't know why she keeps sending me messages like she has. I'm glad I started nc though. I've been doing really good most of the time keeping my mind off her. Even my friends have told me they can see a difference. I'm not all depressed & down all the time & always talking about what she did & stuff. But when she sends me a message. I start dwelling on it for hours. I hate that she has put me through all this & used me for so much. She wasn't even grown up enough about it to come & talk to me face to face about anything. Just ran off to a different state & started proceeding to lash out at me. For basically no reason at all. I know they say that during a break up both people had something to do with it. I've been searching for 2 months & I can't figure out what I did wrong. The only things I can thing of is that I was too understanding, to nice, to loving, & to easy to get along with & she wanted someone to fight back with her. Maybe she did all this because she thought I was a pushover. I guess its easy to see why she thought that but I never saw it that way. I just wanted to always be there for her & to show her I cared. Well she started this war that I never wanted. I'm not going to be pushed around by her anymore. Although I'm not going to fight with her or say things I don't mean. I'm not going to let her do everything she's done to me & walk away with everything either. She has to realize at some point that she is to blame & she is the reason our marriage failed not me. I know that's wishful hoping she will never take blame for anything or ownership of her actions. That makes me mad when I think about it. For now I will just continue my nc since its really the only form of sanity I've had during all this. I'm ready for things to get easier though & I'm sure they are just starting to get a lot harder.
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