at a loss

[LosingitAll]

I'm new to the whole posting thing, but I've been reading a lot of them lately hoping I could find something to help me out but nothing I've tried as worked I'm in need of some outsiders prospective & advice. Ok here's my story my wife & I have been married going on 3 years she is the love of my life I would do anything for her. Our marriage hasn't always been perfect but we've worked things out. So to give u some background she is diagnosed as bipolar & doesn't have any coping skills when we got together she had a bad opiate addiction which spread to benzos aswell now I'm not saying I'm a saint but I have been sober for 2 years. Anyway last May we both lost our jobs & things got rough she ended up leaving me from June until mid August during which time her addiction soared & she had 2 that I know of affairs against me. We both had to take less paying jobs, I stayed in our home we had bought when we got married & struggled through the bills by myself while supporting her with money to really hard times & our house payments got behind. I later found out that she got a pension check from her old job & didn't even tell me about it. Anyway I eventually got a really good job making more than my initial job & I got my pension aswell I used all of it to catch up 2 house payments still leaving us 2 behind lucky the morgage company was willing to work with us. My wife & I worked through it and she came back home telling me she wanted off everything so she started methadone treatment in August of '09 & she told me she wanted to be a housewife. I was cool with her being a housewife I liked supporting us although I didn't like the idea of methadone treatment & told her they would just try & keep her hooked as long as they good I did support her. Finally at the end of April she realized they where lying to her & she came off everything cold turkey & started seeing a counselor for her normal meds. Well in the mist of all this her exhusband went to jail & couldn't pay child support on my stepson so he gave her power of attorney over his finances & his pension & 401K from his job. So she was looking to get around 15000 & we had planed to catch up everything from before & all the debit we had encoured. Well a 2 weeks before fathers day her sister who stays 10 hours away & lives on a military base with her husband got sick & needed help with her kids so my wife went to help out. This is when my life went in diaster mode. She was only suppose to be gone for 6 days she called me on the 4th & told me she needed more time so I took money to the rental car place for her & she was suppose to wire me money to cover it. It cost $110 for the rental car she only wired me $20 back. Then a day before she was suppose to come home she came back & took a bunch of her stuff & left me a note saying life was too hard with me & she was leaving. Ok left out something hold on let me back track for one second before she left we had ask my parents to use a credit card for the rental car & they wouldn't let us & she threw a fit saying they wouldn't do it because it was her. Then she went on facebook & started arguing with my mom. Now granted her & my mom haven't really gotten along that well in the past because of what happened the year before. So in the letter she left me she stated she was sick of my family. By this time it is fathers day & I'm feeling really down & out because I love my stepson very much & can't see him. So the following week she starts telling me she's ready to come home & needs gas money & claims the exhusbands pension hasn't came in yet. Well this starts a downward spiral of her lying to me over & over about reason why she couldn't come home. She has stated everything from she got placed in a mental hospitol to she got in a fight with her mom who lives with the sister. Just anything she could think of I guess & the bad part is I knew she was lying but I keep thinking she was just going through a phase & didn't know how to cope & this time she would really come home. Man was I wrong this only made things worse it broke about a month ago when I sent her $350 dollars to supposley pay fines & to come home. Well I didn't hear anything from her after she got the money & the next day when I was at work she came back & cleaned me out for all of my electronics computers & the rest of my paycheck probally around 6000 dollars worth of stuff. When I finally got ahold of her she denied it to the fullest & told me she wanted a divorce that I didn't trust her. Well after about a week of that she started telling me she wasn't on her meds & she was sorry she didn't know why she was acting like that so she told me if I gave her money for meds she would come home in 2 weeks. So I did it again & 2 weeks later when it was time for her to come home this past Friday she told me that my stepson missed me so bad & was ready to come home & start school & she missed her life & our home & that she had talked her sister into driving her home that she just needed money for gas. So like a dumbass at this point just hoping this nightmare was over & thinking she was finally thinking normal again I sent her some more money so the total I sent her over this past almost 3 months as been like 1200 dollars so needless to say back in major debit again. Well here goes the kicker she doesn't come home & after trying hard to get ahold of her finally Monday night she tells me will u just go get a divorce lawyer & divorce me. So after pleading with her for 2 days she finally tells me that she hates me with everything in her that she has never loved me & after being sober for 4 months she can finally think clearly & that she hates her life with me that I wouldn't let her work mind you it was her idea not to work in the first place. Finally that she is with someone else now & she is happy. After I don't respond to any of these messages because I'm physically sick at this point & throwing up she calls me with the other guy in the background won't even listen to me just keeps talking to him saying can you belive this dumb*ss won't divorce me and then tells me to make sure I slit my wrist the right way & hangs up the phone. So not only have I been going through hell the last couple of months anyway not eating not sleeping struggling with bills I find out she has made a whole joke of our marriage to this guy & has been trying to completely ruin me. Well the next day she txt me & ask me to go to the school to have her sons transcripts faxed to her & tells me not to hurt him because I'm mad at her well I tell her I'm not mad at her I'm disappointed, betrayed & shocked by how she used him against me lied to me & cheated on me & that all I can say is I hope that one day they find someone to love them as much as I have she responds back with he is loved by a lot of people & that she doesn't need love. Ok so I'm just completely at a loss by all of this mainly because even through everything I can't stop caring about her before these past 2 months our marriage had been perfect & so much love between us we never fought or anything I never saw this coming at all. So I don't know what to think or do. She has made a mockery of me & I know I should wash my hands of this heartless person but for some reason I still love her with all my heart & just can't believe there's not more to why she's acting like this & why she said she never loved me I mean yes she was on drugs before but she was never not coherient & she showed me true love that u couldn't fake. I just need some advice is this a lost cause or shoulf I keep given 110% to try & save my marriage.

[SoMovinOn]

We, humans, hate to fail. When a relationship ends, it leaves us with a sense of failure, even if we are the one who wants to end it.

 

As a result, we end up beating dead horses until they are rotted, decayed and turned to dust. We've put all of ourselves into this dead horse and, dammit, we're not going to throw all that away just because the horse is dead.

 

I wouldn't advocate running at the first sign of trouble, but I do know from experience, when it's time to go, you just have to go. Easier said then done. It's hard to know where that line is drawn. Generally, once you start asking yourself if it's time to throw in the towel, it is.

[You Go Girl]

I'm sorry for you, and wish I could give you a big hug after what I have to say.

Your W doesn't love you. She loves drugs, drama, excitement, and spending money.

She has used you to the point that even she can't stand keeping the truth from you any longer, because you have refused to see it, she is now throwing it in your face.

If you are going to save your own life, you need to go NC (no contact). That means, don't even send a transcript. She is quite capable of getting a transcript sent on her own. It is not punishing the child, she can easily take care of transcripts, etc. She is just using you in a new way, which is to do her legwork of moving the child to a new school.

The writing is on the wall. Your W is probably so strung out, she lives in a fantasyland.

There is only one way for her to find a truthful path in life. That is to get completely sober. You cannot help her do this. You really can't! Only she can do it for herself. You can't enable her in anyway whatsoever. She may also not decide to get clean, off drugs, for 10 years, if ever. This is not your decision to make.

Don't trust her one iota. She will screw you over as fast as she can.

The writing is on the wall, and you are refusing to read it.

 

Do get into Al-anon or another support group for codependents. There you will learn to focus on making your own life better, and stop focusing on her.

If you have health insurance, get yourself into IC (individual counseling). You need to learn why you are such a doormat.

[LosingitAll]

I think the thing thats getting me is I know shes had a very hard life & everyone who has ever lived her has walked out on her. I wanted to be there & not give up. I've loved her so much.she has supposely been clean for 4 months now & that's why she realized she hates me & her life with me. I think another thing is her being bipolar I keep thinking that she is just acting out. You are absolutely right about the confrentation though she strives on it a lot. I guess my thing is I could never be like that toward her & don't feel I deserve it from her. Your right again though I have been doormated on & that was my own fault I'm not an aguer type of person. I didn't have a rough childhood my parents where very loving and never fought. Another thing is out of all the relationships I've had I've never opened up that much to another girl before. I know its stupid but I can't stop caring.

[LosingitAll]

The dumb part is I have seen what's she's doing but still fell into it anyway & I don't know why. Before her I had perfect credit now I'm ruined. I was always good with finances & making things work & figuring out solutions but with her I'm like a 3 yr old with no reasoning skills at all.

[You Go Girl]

Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.

 

So don't beat yourself up over the choices you made. You repeatedly put your faith in someone who repeated violated it.

 

Please start using paragraphs, thanks!

[LosingitAll]

I took your advise today and started nc. She tried to txt me a couple of times it felt weird not responding at first. I think it made her mad but at least I felt better.

[michaelhopes]

Wow......I went out with a bipolar/alcoholic for 7 years. The relationship was a constant roller coaster. The last year was a nightmare from hell.

Your wife is in a 100% destruction mode. There is nothing you can do except completely distance yourself from this situation. Do a complete 180 and have nothing to do with her. Stay 100% NC. If she does get in contact with you just be nice and then exit stage left as quickly as you can.

No matter what you do she will hate you and blame you for everything wrong in her life. Nothing will make her happy when she's pulling this krap.Her moods will run from boiling hot anger and quickly change to extreme depression and regret....and then back to anger again. You will live in complete misery if you try to figure her out or save your relationship. Let her burn out all by herself. This could easily take a year or more.

By the way my ex wanted to get back together with me a year later but I knew better by then. We are friends now but I will never get back together with her no matter how many times she brings it up. The misery factor is just too great.

Hang tough

[LosingitAll]

Your absolutely right about the destruction mode that you said. I fully believe that too, I also feel like she trying to pull me down with her.

 

When i got home last night i had 2 letters in the mail. One where she tryed to get a credit card in my name. The other was where she tryed to get a loan.

 

Its bad enough she emotionally crushed me now it seems like she will do anything to spite me.

[LosingitAll]

Trying hard to keep nc today. She keeps txting me telling me that we need to communicate until we divorce. What should I do.

[Iconoclast]

Trying hard to keep nc today. She keeps txting me telling me that we need to communicate until we divorce. What should I do.

 

I'm not one of the gentler souls here.

 

"I'm physically sick at this point & throwing up she calls me with the other guy in the background won't even listen to me just keeps talking to him saying can you belive this dumb*ss won't divorce me and then tells me to make sure I slit my wrist the right way & hangs up the phone."

 

Best: Either complete non contact, with only contact through an intermediary.

or

Much more fun: Text her and say "Do NOT contact me anymore you drug addled disease ridden whore".

and Just for fun, follow up with "I tested positive" and leave it like that, a mystery. Just to screw with her head a little.

 

She's a monster, she will eat you, and turn you into a little sun dried turd.

 

Get her the hell out of your finances and life ASAP.

[michaelhopes]

When i got home last night i had 2 letters in the mail. One where she tryed to get a credit card in my name. The other was where she tryed to get a loan

.

This is not good. You might want to invest in one of those services that warns you if ANYTHING happens regarding your credit. Also I hope you dont have life insurance with her listed as the benefactor.....

[tornandmarried]

losing it all...i know what your going through, im dealing with a simular kind of woman... cheating, drug addicted and all that....seeing the hardship in thier life and u want to help and have an impact...but thats a load of crap...people like that arent good for anyone.....stay away and look for a woman that has a good head on her shoulders

[LosingitAll]

 

Best: Either complete non contact, with only contact through an intermediary.

or

Much more fun: Text her and say "Do NOT contact me anymore you drug addled disease ridden whore".

and Just for fun, follow up with "I tested positive" and leave it like that, a mystery. Just to screw with her head a little.

 

She's a monster, she will eat you, and turn you into a little sun dried turd.

 

Get her the hell out of your finances and life ASAP.

 

I've thought about doing something similar like that she has one big thing that is something she can never live down & it eats her up that she can't do anything about it. Just haven't been willing to say it to her yet.

 

Nc still going strong thanks for all the support I've really needed it. She's txt a couple of times today & I've blown them off. I really think she's getting pissed. Its about time I started doing for me.

[LosingitAll]

.

This is not good. You might want to invest in one of those services that warns you if ANYTHING happens regarding your credit. Also I hope you dont have life insurance with her listed as the benefactor.....

 

I did contact equifax today & put a fraud alert on my credit. She's already ruined it anyway but atleast she can't get anything else out of it.

 

No life insurance that I know of but as the story shows there's a lot apparently I didn't know about.

 

I did change the locks at the house any advice on how I can start a separation so she can't come back in the home with out me there. Don't have money to file for the divorce right now. So I didn't know if there was something I could do until then. Tired of fearing everyday that she will come in while I'm at work & clean everything out.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Its about time I started doing for me.

 

 

You and me both.

 

Stay strong.

[Iconoclast]

She's txt a couple of times today & I've blown them off. I really think she's getting pissed. Its about time I started doing for me.

 

Feels good, don't it?

You've reclaimed some power. Go look in the mirror "I call the shots motherf**ker". Yeah!

[LosingitAll]

Feels good, don't it?

You've reclaimed some power. Go look in the mirror "I call the shots motherf**ker". Yeah!

 

I like the way u think. Ur are absolutely right it feels really good.

 

Just knowing she's getting pissed at me not answering her & that I'm not going to jump for her anymore. Has made me feel better than I have in 2 months.

[LosingitAll]

You and me both.

 

Stay strong.

 

U too, I appreciate the support. This forum as really helped me, more than I could have imagined.

[michaelhopes]

Smart move... changing the locks......

Expect the unexpected......

If you have items that are personally and monetarily valuable I would stash them soon.

Tired of fearing everyday that she will come in while I'm at work & clean everything out.

My ex was furious when I didnt move out of "her" place.......a place that I paid for.....She showed up with some of her AA buddies while I was away and cleaned everything out. Everything....her stuff, our stuff, and my stuff. I came home to a 2000 sq.ft. empty home. They did leave a mattress and the fridge..I spent a few hours staring at the ceiling not believing my hideous situation...A couple of years later when she didnt make the payments for the storage that she put everything in it was all sold at auction.....

I cant advise about the divorce/separation procedures because somehow I was spared that mistake of getting married to her....I would start Googling for as much info as you can about D/S in your state and ask for advise in this sub-forum if youre strapped financially

Last but not least..and a little out of left field.....Dont do anything out of anger. Anger will only work against you.

You wouldnt be mad at a legless woman because she couldnt run a race would you? By the same token you shouldnt be mad at your STBXW because she is an idiot.....

Hang tough..this too shall pass...

[LosingitAll]

I wish I would have though of changing the locks a month ago though. She already came in & cleaned out all of my favorite stuff & her sentimental things. There's still a lot of stuff in the house. I'm afraid she will just come & break in though or even have the cops do it for her. She's said in the past that since we're married she could do anything she wanted to the home & it was perfectly legal. I called the cops when all my stuff came up missing & he confirmed this.

 

I got to get something figured out quickly with some form of separation that won't break me for now to protect my investment in the home. I'm sure nc is going to enrage her she gets pretty crazy when she doesn't get her way. The only thing I have on my side for now is she is almost 10hrs away.

[You Go Girl]

Get your good electronics, watches, jewerly, and tools out first, as they are readily accepted by pawn shops. Stash them at a friend's house in their basement. Anywhere but there.

[LosingitAll]

Nc still going strong. Read some of another thread where u could post instead of contacting ur ex. Wasn't a good idea for me only made me thing about her. Luckly for me she done so much to f*ck me over I can replace the good with bad, very bad.

 

Still as it is I would have rather not thought about her at all & the nightmare she has bestowed on me.

[Iconoclast]

Okay, time to get to work.

 

All those thoughts, history, future, the doubt, the hopes, all spinning a big messy web in your head. Wasted energy.

 

Time to put that to good use. You tasted a little power and now we're gonna grab some more, a big piece.

 

You didn't ask for it, but the war was brought to you. You want to win? You need a plan.

Plan is power. Better plan wins.

 

 

First: Define what success looks like. This can look like many different things. List all the possibilities, from the two of you happily together again, to you happy with someone else and her long gone, and all the possibilities in between. Which of those looks to be the most desirable to you. That is your goal. No surpises, you'll be ready for the curveballs.

 

Then for each scenario, map out how you get from here to there.... all the details, role play it in your head, write it all down, predict her moves and have planned responses. No surprises.

 

Write it down, clarify, draw pictures, define, use string, pins. It'll keep you busy, moving forward, accumulating power. It's a chess game. Stay many moves ahead at all times.

 

That's your plan. Plan is power.

 

Better plan wins.

[You Go Girl]

A plan is a good plan!

but don't write a plan with you and her together again. She has a drug addiction. No addict will ever bestow joy in your life. All addicts must take care of their addiction, FIRST. Many addicts have no desire to change, ever. So acceptance is key here. Accept her for who she is, and then accept that she won't fit into a healthy life for you. I never said you have to stop loving her in your heart, and betray yourself. I am saying that you can't have her in your life. See the difference?

You can love her and have lost. It's ok. There's going to be a woman in your future who isn't a drug addict and won't destroy you along with herself.

For addicts, the addiction is their first love. You always come a distant second or third.